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happy birthday baeeee, i love u so so much, even if u're a little mean to me most of the time. i think u're one of the sweetest souls and a great great friend, so lucky to call u family and my little menace. please never give up on ur dreams, for i know it is well within ur ability to achieve each and every one of them. my little artist, one day the world and its stages will be yours and i'll be applauding you front row seat and all. i hope you're not being hard on yourself. things do get easier, angel. did i mention ily? because i do. i'll always cheer u on. u're far more than what anyone has to say about u. believe in yourself because i wholeheartedly believe in u and ur spirit, sweet thing. i love you: your cooking, your dancing, your short hair and bangs, and the incessant yapping, and i love your big heart and the utterly sensitive side u fail to hide. mwah from ur bestest cuz💞 You and I, we’re gonna be friends. Okay?

I stumbled to your name again, new profile picture, new age, and new format. You seem happy, fresh, and open. I am at joy as you’ve let others see the real you. We no longer have contact, but I kept the memories I have with you. Sometimes, they still infringe my mind, but I let them be—as they were moments and realities from the past. I can never forget you, but there is a thing I can guarantee; we’re both happy and on our own now. Without comparing our state of life, lifestyle, and journey. I am proud of what you are becoming and it’s never a day to be disappointed. Please take care of yourself!

This is a bit random but oh well 🤍 I really wanted to go to the counter protest last year in October. I saw you as I was walking up to the group, from behind where the group were facing and I just couldn’t do it. It upsets me as it’s something I really care about. I’m not saying it’s your fault. I just wish that things had been left on a better note so there wasn’t fear of animosity or it being uncomfortable. I really regret the way that it ended between us. I wish that I had been able to process what was happening to realise that the last time we saw each other and sat talking, was actually the last time. I would have hugged you for longer and wished you well, we could have said we’d delete each others contact details and gone on from there. It really would have saved a whole world of pain. I wish that I hadn’t text you afterwards to say it was lovely to see you, that cold ‘yeah’ response was so hurtful and uncalled for. I always feel as though I’m trying to catch up with what’s actually happening around me, as if other people just know these things and I slowly piece it together months or sometimes even years later…I know for sure that I am as there’s been such a rise in awareness for neurodiversity in AFAB people over the past year or so…and I got to thinking that maybe we are both ND and that’s why we always understood each other so well. I always loved the way you see the world and how you think. Anyway, that’s waffling from the point… I wish that I could just turn off my survival response. I didn’t want to join the counter protest and end up embarrassing myself with a panic attack…like HELLO there are more serious issues going on here 😂😂… I guess it just makes me feel sad. I’m so sorry for my behaviour after we ended, the whole thing was a shitshow tbh and I kind of lost my mind for a while. I’ve forgiven myself at last but I still wish that I’d just said and done nothing. I wish we’d just hugged and said goodbye that day in August. I wish I didn’t remember that date. The 1st August 2022. If E was still living here, I know me and her would be out with a ladder cutting all the flags down. In a different world where things were ok, I believe the three of us would 😂 it’s such a silly thought, I know. But I’ve been so angry seeing the flags everywhere…the people that put them up are not good people. I know I could own them verbally, they’re so ignorant…but I really didn’t fancy making a target of myself cutting the flags down alone, you know how people can be here. Anyway…you’ll never see this. I know that. I’m just expressing myself. I hope that one day it won’t be awkward or uncomfortable. Or that maybe I’ll just do the thing anyway…I really wanted to shout at some union flag brandishing gammons tbh 😂😂 I just sat on a bench the other side and watched the whole thing…it was bizarre. But actually really interesting…people are so…you know. I really hope that you are happy and doing very well, thank you for all the lovely memories and again I’m so sorry for how I behaved after we ended, I was very wrong and I know that. Sending love from a distance, always. M 🐌 xxx

uhm i’ve been noticing how you’ve act these past days and i wanted to ask u if u have anything going on your mind but i don’t think you’re in the mood to talk, right?? uhm i know u might feel his way because of my behavior and the way i act, and yeah i’m sorry for the way i act and trying to be better but if anything bothers u please tell me i don’t want to feel this way it’s painful, whatever’s wrong i’m sorry , i’m sorry for the way i act sometimes and yeah. i hope you’ll talk to me about it :) ily

I realized that i will always love you no matter what you do because i didn't fall in love with what you could give me, i fell in love with your soul so your mistakes mean nothing compared to the depth of who you are.

To me, you'll always be my Cinderella… i love you forever cy.

Thanks for being there for me through the ups and down

I laugh at the cycle of your actions— spinning, veering, spilling toward collapse. Lucky me, already gone, as it unravels in slow motion

please reach out again. i have so much i want to say to you.

Happy birthday, my love ❤🎂 I hope your day starts with a smile and ends with a heart full of happiness. You know I’m not really good with words, especially when it comes to being sweet. I don’t always express what I feel the way I should, but I hope you still feel how real my love is for you. I know we’ve had misunderstandings and moments that felt heavy, but even through all of that, I never stopped choosing you, caring for you, and loving you You’re someone I truly love and don’t want to lose. No matter what happens, I still want us. I still want you. On your birthday, I just hope you feel how special you are. You deserve to be happy, to be appreciated, and to be loved the way you deserve. I’m sorry I can’t be there today, but I promise I’ll make it up to you. I may not always be good with words, but deep inside, I love you so much Love ❤

Something about you keeps me around, even though I've wanted to throw everything we have away on many occasions. My love for you these days is what I can say, the only thread keeping me striving for life, and now that I'm having a hard time living. I'm distant right now, yes, but you're all I think about. Probably the essence of my living. My love for you is love beyond what my body could comprehend, and yes, we are close friends, but I'm willing to risk it all for you, whether we end up married, old and grey, or we remain each other's biggest cheerleaders separately. I want to see the best happen to you until six feet under. I wish so desperately to talk again, but I fear that I might bring up everything's that's gone wrong since we last spoke. Just know, however you'll always be my favourite, regardless of where life places us. Lots of love, The weary artist.

For SISIL NYEBELIN tapi YAGITU DEH Hei sisil,sebelumnya akuu mauu terima kasihh banget aku bisa kenal orang yg namanya ashila sofia nasywa,thanks for coming in my life,semenjak kamu datengg aku jadi ngerasa lebih berwarna lagi,hidup akuu lebih enjoy buat di jalanin,dan tentunyaa aku bsa ngerasain sisi diri aku yg selama ini udah lama terkubur,yaitu dramatic and yapping boy hehee,gtau kenapaa aku bisa secepat ini ngeluarin sisi yg selama ini akuu tutup erat erat,karna aku ga gampang trust ke orang,tapi entah kenapa kamuu kaya punya kunci buat buka gembok ituu yg dimana kuncinya sndiri tuh udah aku buang gitu biar gaada seorang pun yg bsa buka.jujur aku sebelumnya lebih suka buat jdi listener dibanding yapper,karna di satu sisi aku gmau org lain tau lebih dalem tentang aku,aku juga jadi bljr buat jdi pendengar yg baik dan mahamin sifat sama perilaku orang orang.akuu percaya kalimat everything you lost will be replaced with something better,mungkin ini something better yg udah dateng ke kehidupan aku? wkwkwk i dont know,tapi satuu hal yg mau aku sampein,thanks for coming in my life and make everything feel more coloring, thanks for bring comeback a side of me i thought i lost, makasihh orang imoeettt👊🏼 -from orang ganteng

I don’t know what to write in here. But let’s keep this letter as a confession of unspoken words from me for something between us. I don’t even know if it really happened or it just me being delusional and overreacting of everything between us and actually there’s no answer for those because we couldn’t even speak about it. From now on i knew that you will always choose men so yeah id rather moving backwards and giving distance from you. I have my own feelings and I can’t always be the one who gives so much to you while you’re keep staying in between the grey lines. So it’s okay this time I'm choosing myself because i know and believe that i deserve better for someone who will not make us keep hiding and doubting ourselves. Thank you for everything as you're being a good friend to me through this time and sorry for having this feeling for you even though i know you just saw me as friends nah I don’t want to think or give so much details whatever friendship things happened between us but yeah let’s keep friend as usual as before while i also distancing myself slowly from you :)

By the time you receive this, graduate ka na. You’ve finally reached the finish line, and I couldn’t be more proud of you. I’m writing this anonymously kasi I finally have the courage to say the things I had to hide for so long. I call you **"Mr. Toothless"** because, just like that dragon, you have this charm that’s so hard to resist. But more than that, it was my way of making you "mine" in my own little world, even if we were worlds apart in reality. I’m dedicating the song **"Ngiti" by The Juans** to you. Sobrang sakit ng lyrics, 'di ba? *"Sa isang ngiti mo lang, lahat ay nagbabago..."* but for me, your smile was both my favorite view and my biggest heartbreak. **I’m sorry.** Sorry kung may times na bigla akong iiwas o hindi ka papansinin. I had to do that. I didn't want my feelings to grow deeper, but more importantly, **ayaw kong maging distraction sa tungkulin mo.** I didn't want to be the reason you'd lose focus on your goals. So, I chose to stay in the shadows. Instead of chasing you, **idinaan ko na lang ang lahat sa panata.** Gabi-gabi, laman ka ng dasal ko. Pero hindi kita ipinanalangin para maging akin; ipinagpanata kita na sana malayo ka sa tukso, gabayan ka ng Ama, at matapos mo ang pag-aaral mo para maging isang ganap na manggagawa. Ganoon kita kagusto—na mas mahalaga sa akin ang gampanin mo kaysa sa nararamdaman ko. Okay na ako na tinititigan ka lang sa malayo. Every time your back was turned, doon lang ako nagkakaroon ng lakas ng loob na mag-focus sa’yo. Ayaw ko kasing malaman mo na gusto kita... and honestly, natatakot ako na baka gusto mo rin ako. Kasi kung pareho tayo, baka hindi natin unahin ang dapat unahin. Kaya "huwag na lang muna." Minsan naiinis ako sa mga jokes mo, especially nung nag-dalaw tayo, pero isang ngiti mo lang, nawawala lahat ng inis ko. Seeing you happy was enough to keep me going. I treated myself na parang "takot" sa'yo, tumatakbo ako para magtago tuwing nakikita kita, just to keep the distance. I’m grateful for the inspiration you gave me, even if it was from a distance. You were my silent motivation. Now that you've graduated, you're free to fly high. **Sana kung pwede na... pwede pa.** But if not, thank you for the smile that saved me, even when you didn't know I was watching. **Congratulations, Mr. Toothless.**

Loveeyy, I’m so happy we’re finally 2 months na together^^ ihyk how special, important, handsome, and just overall amazing you are to me :3 Since we’re still young pa man, I want us to keep growing individually while still supporting each other. Let’s not be a distraction, but an inspiration^^ I want u to focus on your goals, be happy, and enjoy time with your fam and friends… naa rako always ga love and support saimo, loveeyy. Even if dili kaayo ta mag-communicate all the time kay sometimes busy ta, it’s okay langg, because I understand we both have our own priorities. What matters is we’re still here for each other and growing together :> Never gyud nako na-think before na maka-love ko’g someone this deep and genuine haha, I really thought I was better off alone… pero karon, happy kaayo ko sa’tong rs. Siguro the only thing lang gyud is naa koy gamay na fear na you might leave one day hehe^^ Dyk? Before nagkita, months ago, nag-pray gyud ko kay God na ma-meet nako ang person na I’ll be with for the rest of my life, maybe in my 20s or even now while I’m still 17, bahala’g organic lang or even friends lang ba. Then timing kaayo kay niabot ka… now I can’t believe naa nakoy cutie, handsome, and sweet na loveeyy hehe :> i hope ikaw ang akong answered prayers from God🤍 kna lang akong ma say hehe^^ Happy 2nd monthsary to us 💗 I love you alwayss^^ —jaja

I hope you have a good evening, I'm excited for wednesday

And for everyone reading this, please be careful with everyones feelings. And keep loving, with all your heart. It’s hurtful many times, but it’s also really worth it. ahoj martinku, To be honest, I don’t even know if I still have the privilege to call you that. You see... I never wanted to hurt you. I always wanted only the best for you, even if it doesn’t look like that right now. I tried to end this so many times... but I just couldn’t. I couldn't let go. You were willing to do everything for me. You wanted to move to the other side of the world for me, and I know you would have done anything I asked. I know you love me, maybe too much. I don’t even know where to start, how to tell you everything, even though I know you’ll probably never read this. But that’s okay, maybe it’s better this way, though I wish something in this letter would help you understand everything and move on. Recently, I came across the song beautiful by joji, and it describes our entire situation perfectly. I really can’t say anything in my defense, I have no excuses. Everything is my fault and I can’t take it back. If I could, I would do anything to not hurt you like this. Because you were my precious boy. muj martinek. God, I wish I could tell you one more time that I love you and how much I love you. You mean absolutely everything to me. I don’t know how to move on, but I know we both have to. And we will both make it. I always used to say it’s stupid to be sad after a breakup, that we’ll always meet another person who will fulfill us just as much or more. But now I understand. I can’t imagine it. I gave you everything of myself. Even if some parts were a lie, the real me is what I gave you. I gave you my heart, and I don’t think anyone will ever give it back to me. I love you, so much, I dream about you every night. It was never fair to drag you into my chaos, but you always stayed, and I loved you even more for it. Just so you know, I’m sorry. I wish we could both just put a white flag on our walls and sweep up all the shards I caused. But I know that’s not right. But damn baby, you were supposed to be my savior, but I ended up being the one you needed saving from. And for my final act of love, I will let you forget me. I’ll let you place me in the farthest corner of your mind, making sure that nothing I ever did will bother you again. I’ll close my eyes, drift through space, only our memories keeping me afloat. Not because I hate you, not because I want to, but because I care for you. I don’t want to make my regrets your own, or have my problems create yours. I want you to smile, laugh and cry. Feel all the emotions a human should feel, even if not with me. Because I know I cannot give you that gift. My love for you won’t fade, nor will it ever die. But your love for me will. You will become a mere speck in the huge universe lying before you. Yes, it will hurt, and of course it will sting. But in the end, to me, it’s all worth it. I would do anything for you. So for my final act of love, I will fade from your world, putting you first, just so you can be healthy. Even if it hurts. I’m such a full of shit, I speak of god but I sin, I speak about kindness but I’ve hurt people, I speak about growth but I fall back into old habits, I speak of loyalty but I’ve betrayed people, I speak about having a positive mind but sometimes I’m sad, I speak about healing but I’m still broken in places. You are my biggest “what if,” you are my biggest weakness, enemy and fear, and still, I wish I could run into your arms. It is really hard for me to accept that until I leave this earth I’m gonna be always so tangled. I know I have to get myself out of the hole I’m in, because there’s no one else to dig me out. But somehow, not a single day has gone by where you didn’t cross my mind. I miss you in ways I can’t even explain. I miss your laugh, your voice, the way you made everything feel lighter. Even the smallest things about you stayed with me. And no matter how much I try to move forward, there are always moments, quiet, unexpected ones, that bring me right back to you… to us… to what we almost had. I know I hurt you, and that’s something I carry with me every day. It’s a kind of regret that doesn’t fade. You didn’t deserve any of it. But even with that pain, I want you to know how proud I am of you. Watching you become the person you once dreamed of being… it means more to me than you’ll ever know. You deserve every good thing that’s happening in your life right now. And even if I’m no longer part of your world, I’ll always be here, quietly, in the background, rooting for you, praying for you, wishing you happiness in ways I couldn’t give before. I love you… in the quiet, distant, unspoken way that stays even when everything else is gone. And no matter where life takes us, you will always have a place in my heart. I’m not writing this to get back to you, i know i can’t undo things that i’ve done. But i still love you, and that’s the thing that won’t change. I don’t have the courage to send to you. But maybe some of the audience here will, and if. I want you to know that, I’m so sorry for everything. You’ll always deserve the best, i hope one day you find someone amazing, who will be there for you. You’re never too much or too less. You’re always enough and the right person will see that. Please remember that and don’t let anyone hurt you like i did. Ty ses muj martinek proste.. hrozne si preju abych ti mohla rict jeste jednou ‘pocem ke mne’ nebo ze te miluju. pa kocicko moje. Vzdycky budu s tebou.

gjfsffbnb gfjdjeishdj

Dear you, This shouldn't be the first thing on my mind right now, but when you command my attention you're all I'm able to think about. It's so ironic that when you were telling me about those people that hurt you so badly, one of the things that hurt you the most is not knowing if you were crazy or if they really liked you and it was really real, because that's what you do to me. You send me a song lyric with the slightest hint it might be a message and I listen to it on repeat for days, analysing the lyrics, chest tight with anxiety. Because you make me feel anxious. You make me feel incredibly unsure of myself, and I hate that I cannot truly blame you because it's me who reads into everything you say and do. When you made out with that girl that night, hearing your voice telling me every detail over the phone made me feel sick, my chest tight and fluttery. My world was thrown off its axis for a moment. When I voice messaged you back, I had to keep restarting because of how my voice was shaking. It doesn't make sense - the piercing jealousy, the anxiety of you being with anyone but me, because I know we can't be together. We're just friends, it was ME who asserted that when we talked. I'm sure this is some kind of psychological trick because before you hinted you liked me back in October I don't remember feeling a thing towards you. Sure, we had great chemistry, but when two friends asked if we were a couple it was jarring because I'd never considered that's what it looked like. It was all platonic to me before you got into my head. I remember watching a movie on your bed. You put my arm around you and I remember thinking, I really hope she doesn't think this is something that it's not. A part of me knew. Then my party, and that night where I was so confused by what you were saying, I video ranted to * the next day who told me to keep friend-zoning you. So I did, I tried to, I kept on texting about what a good friend you were, trying to hook you up with girls that wanted you to take them on dates. It didn't work. You kept flirting and it started just being something we did, a part of our dynamic, and slowly I got used to it, less jarred by it. I almost looked for it. Then you sent me that clip, and I freaked out. I understood every word, by the way - when I said how much I loved your chords but couldn't hear the lyrics, I could. They just scared me, so I pretended to be oblivious. I found the fact you were tired of waiting when we had met only months prior insane. I found it flattering, and you slowly crept under my skin. That weekend, when I saw * and you sent me the whole song I cried so much. I listened to it over and over and I sobbed. I didn't know what to do. I would walk to her house listening to your song over and over. No one had ever liked me that much - it was intense, and I felt trapped in a web I didn't fully want to escape from. And it became more and more me as the winter got deeper. I shouldn't have made that, because that alone was leading you on in a way, and a recipe for disastrous overthinking on my part. That's why I overthink every song you send me, and in the last holiday as soon as you added to it, I was ready for everything to start again. I was so mad at myself, and god was I angry with you. But none of this is fair, you can't read my mind. When we hung out before *'s birthday, that's when my already weakened walls started to crumble, because I had never spoken to someone about relationships so intimately before. It was so intense I thought I was going to cry, and ironically the talk was how I would never be willing to be in a romantic relationship with a friend. You heard me and saw me so well. I felt a sort of guilt because when you said 'we always want what we can't have' I knew you meant me, but you didn't know I knew, you know? I should've talked to you from the start, but even though I tried at the beginning to make it clear it became so comfortable, the flirtatious dynamic we had. After that talk, around Christmas and *, is when I almost allowed myself to imagine. Then everything changed. I started dating *, and then you released that clip. I cried, a lot, again. That's one of the things you don't know about me, the fact I cry quite a bit and that you're the friend whose made me cry the most. The stupid thing is I never liked * how I almost liked you. It made me mad at myself, and I kept lying, trying to convince myself it was a different kind of like, when really there wasn't anything much there at all. If there was it was a lot healthier than what we have - I know you don't mean to, but you make me feel horrible whenever anything happens. Anxious, churning stomach. It would probably hurt you to know you do that to me. You've told me how much I've helped you - to be honest if anything you've hindered me. I wish we could just be friends but our friendship is tainted - we cannot take back the everything and nothing that has happened between us. It makes me wonder if I'll be able to take this friendship into the future. GOD you get to me like no one else does. After *'s party, when you and * were a thing for a week or two I didn't feel good about it. I cried after my second date with * when I got home, and thought more of you than of her. When you gave me the * then looked so flustered by her on the same day I was incandescent with rage. It felt like you were fucking with me for fun, and I was so very angry I didn't want to admit my jealousy of you and perfect, beautiful * So we texted, then we talked. You were head over heels, so you didn't really like me anymore anyway, whatever, its fine, I told myself I was only jealous because of the friendship component, right. Sure. Something like that. After your * with * I tried to be happy, but I wasn't. I knew something was off about her, but also I was jealous. The way you sounded made me feel that tightness in my chest, which I so desperately try to get rid of all the time. Then, it was fucked up. I was trying to be a good friend to you, that's what you needed, that's what we decided on, but still at *'s party I felt drawn to you. This isn't something I could talk to my friends about anymore, its over, was done a while ago. But then you do things like in the holidays, and I'm left wobbling. You're like a drug to me, and the fact our beautiful friendship has been warped in that way makes me feel kind of sick. So I've taken just enough of a step back now. I understand this can't go on, I cannot contribute. But still, if I'm not a delusional mess, you're still hinting. Why? Am I some kind of last resort to you? It stung a little when you assured me you were never physically attracted to me when we talked, even though so many things you did before made it taste like a lie. Either way, if you're truly over it and I'm insane, then you still have a hold on me which is frankly ridiculous. But if you like me, and keep dropping breadcrumbs as if I'm a bird I pray that the universe tells you how much harm its doing to me. I don't know what I want but I promise I don't want this - constantly unsure, always second guessing and overthinking about what you truly mean. All I can do is try and break the habits and be a good friend to you, because that's what you need. I love you with all my heart, and you are such an important friend to me, and I want to keep that. Hopefully sending this will break the cycle, and release all of this energy that neither of us really need. Wish you the best.

I love you. I've sat with my thought quite too many times in why do I love you. I remember the first time I saw you.When I heard your mother passed away. Although I never knew you, I felt sad thinking that must be hard to lose your mother. I remember asking you how you were doing after your session. I don't remember a lot of things after that. but I remember I was in pain due to love. I remember you took me to the this beautiful cliff and we both sat in silence. I did not expect anything out of it. but I remember you telling me about your mom and shedding a tear. I didn't know what to say. but I could see you feeling it and sit beside you. I remember you telling me you were married.Although I did not feel anything more I wanted to see you again.Perhaps I was lonely in a new country. I realized slowly I wanted to see you more often. When things moved too fast. I felt guilty and ashamed to be liking someone who was married. I was questioning my self worth when I was waiting for you to reach out to me while you only saw me as an escape and a secret. For someone as sensitive as me, I knew the repurcussions of this how much it would weigh on me later. BUt to me I wanted to see you as much as I can while I was still there. I do not quite know how to explain what I feel for you. Its a contradictory feeling of earlier knowing and also sense of happiness that I feel when I'm with you. I am very secure in myself and have no intentions to ruin a marriage. A lot of times I felt selfish for liking you. However it took me sometime to realize, heart wants what it wants as it can not really understand reason, logic, sociatal expectations and responsibilities. It felt like my soul, heart and body knew you from before. I know this sounds stupid and illogical and selfish and society frowns upon this... but I have tears in my eyes while I write this. I truely love you.I have spent a long time denying it can't be love. I remember kissing the guy I was dating and wishing it was. I hated being touched by him. I knew I loved you. I did not quite know how to tell you I love you. I truely wish you all the happiness in the world for you and your family.....but this weight of being in love with you and not have you is eating me alive. I wish I could see you again, hold you ... kiss you and I would probably trade my rest of the life for that. On the other hand..... I know I deserve better. I know I deserve someone who chooses me... someone who doesn't keep me as a secret. I want to walk along the beach with someone I'm in love with.... not just at night when the city is asleep. My heart is sometimes filled with so much anger towards you because you should've left me alone from the beginning. I have immesurable sadness that I can not see you again.I also have so much love for you that I don't know where to put. I can not help but ask myself am I too desperate for love that I accepting it from wrong places??? not really.... I am a decently secure person. I live quite contently by myself... are there no better suitors , connection with whom it is realistically possible?? there are... somehow I don't feel anything towards them. Am I idealising this connections or love simply because its unrealistic or due to my childhood trauma of trying to gain difficult love? I don't know..... Is this destiny? why would god want me to love an already married man... I just want you to know I love you with all my heart.