Confession

destiny is nth smtms, choice depends on us. manifesting a life which will never exist is fun as well till the time you are in delusion. but truly it would be the best thing of you were in my life, you preferred not to

Cher Arturo de París, I thought about sending this to your email for a couple of days, and after sitting with it, I decided not to do that, because I do not want to affect your life and your relationship with your wife. The truth is that I could not figure any other way for telling you this, so I just posted this here.  For the past seven years I have missed you, very much. Somehow, from time to time, I kept on seeing things that reminded me of you. As I wrote this letter, tears were falling from my eyes because I know that some feelings are still somewhere in me because I never got the chance to tell you how much you meant to me. Even though now you’re a total stranger to me.  Two weeks ago, I did a trip to Paris and obviously I couldn’t be in your city and not think of you… While I was there, I imagined what it would be like to actually see you again, even though the possibilities were really low. I wondered what would I do. Would I have the courage to say hello to you? “Maybe that would be wrong, I don’t know if he doesn’t want to talk to me” — I thought. I wondered that if you saw me, you would ignore me and I would’ve ignored you too? Or smile to you from afar? Thankfully, we didn’t cross paths, because I wouldn’t know what I would’ve done.  Some years ago, after our exchange semester in Warsaw, we were supposed to see each other but COVID and life happened, and then I decided not to risk going there to see you. There are few things I regret in my life and one of them was not taking that plane to Paris, but I am sure everything happens for a reason. I had many dreams of seeing you again, hugging you and just catching up on how were we living our lives and achieving our goals, because the truth is, I really wanted you to stay in my life… In that sense, and given the fact that we have not seen each other nor spoken in so many years, I wanted to let you know that I am very proud of you for becoming a sport coach. I always thought that you would be a fantastic teacher, and now you are! Applying philosophy into body and health. I am very happy for you and all that you’ve achieved with your Hyrox! Probably you don’t know anything about me. But in case you’re interested, here is the summary what I have been up to for the past years: I graduated with honors and after having so many ugly jobs, I (finally) worked where I wanted for three years, learnt a bit more of French and now I recently moved to Switzerland to do a Masters Degree specializing in Human Rights and Humanitarian Action. I still have not decided if I want to become Ambassador or not, but what I am sure is that my purpose is defend and promote minorities' rights. I remember all too well of what we lived in Warsaw. For me it was like a dreamy movie with some pain and sadness, but when I remember you in it, it also has a tint of happiness and a good feeling. I just wanted you to know that in many ways, you saved me. You also taught me so much about life and philosophy. I still carry that with me. Definitely meeting you was a way of discovering new things about life and about myself. I don’t know how to explain this, but I really felt seen with you, like you saw me for who I was. I don’t know if you ever felt it, but I must assure you that I felt something really intense and passionate towards you, something you can only experience once in your life. You were kind, intelligent, curious, funny, wise, and overall, a great human being. You’re a memory of a person that I will always remember fondly, and I hope you feel the same way about me, but if you don’t, that’s okay. With you, and after these past years, I’ve learnt that not everything in life has to last forever in order for it to be special. Some of the greatest persons in our lives don’t stay forever, and that is the case with you. Anyways, my final words to you are that I am glad and happy you that exist, because we got to know each other and coincide for a very short amount of time in our lives. You were transcendental in my life and will always be.  So go on and live a fulfilling life, help others and may all your goals and desires come true. I wish you the best for you and for all your family. If we ever cross paths again, I’ll smile at you, but that’s all. After this letter, there’s simply nothing left to say. So with this, I release you from my heart and I let you go forever Arthur,  Love you always, your María.

“I was insane with horrible spells of sanity” is an Edgar Allen Poe quote that I fear I understand too well. I can feel myself instead of feeling sad just not, and feeling really funny like laughing. Like everything is a joke and I’m the punchline. I can feel it like a thin thread slipping through my hands, slick with oil and thinner than spider silk. I have a bad day and felt really bad and wanted to hurt myself, I had a bad reencounter with a bad person. Something inside me broke and I just started laughing, like a lot. I wanted to kill myself but I was just laughing like I had heard the funniest joke. I couldn’t stop either, I heaved laughter until cramps stoped and I still felt ungodly happy, even for a normal day let alone a day like poop. Am I crazy? I don’t know. The hallucinations are back too. I keep seeing people way too clearly who aren’t there, not like Roxy and Earl but more solid, more like they exist but they don’t. I thought someone tapped me and called my name but it was from the direction of a Wall. I fear I may be close to an edge, one much higher than any I’ve faced before.

I won’t say my name but you’ll know who it is. I don’t understand that. How I can move on from the relationship we had, but not from the friendship. I think about you all the time. It turns into dreams and extreme urges to see how you are. I miss our friendship so much it hurts. I don’t understand this. It’s never happened before. I Pray you’re doing well. As always, I’m proud of you.

Dear mahi, I don't know where to start but I am going to try my best so please bear with me. It started all the way back in 2024. I don't particularly remember the exact events which led us to becoming friends but I remember some moments vividly; me helping you pass your chemistry exam, hearing you swear in korean and us taking the bus back home. I have told you this before but thank you for being there even if you didn't know anything because you being there helped me get home a little more unhurt each day. Talking to you on my way back quickly became a comforting feeling I looked forward to. Fast forward and we became good friends. I told you parts of everything and you were nothing but the most supportive and loving person I had known. None of us bring up our conversations back from that time, but not a day goes by that I don't think about them. It was truly magical. You were my precious and I was your princess. It was and always will be one of the most happiest times of my life. I loved talking to you so much that I could barely ever contain all that joy within me. I would jump and giggle when you said something that you would call 🧀. It was the origin of the iconic pea pod and frankie. Back then when I was still navigating through all that, you came in and made me feel beautiful and worthy again. You would always compliment me and make me feel so loved. One day, it all stopped. Fast forward to the 8th of July 2024, you went ice skating with our friends and I was having not the best day, but right when all hells were about to break loose, I get a text from you, then some more videos and pictures. I started laughing through tears in my eyes and forgot the gravity of the situation I was in just moments ago. You didn't stop there, and kept talking to me the whole time when you were there, because of which our friends still bring it up now and then. We went on a walk that day and you came home. And then the moment happened. Something that still warms me up when I remember it. I hugged you. I let my body just rest against yours, my head on your shoulder and my palms gripping onto your shirt. I was scared of letting you go. Those arms are one of the most safest places I have been in. I just wanted to bury my face in your shoulder and hide away from the world, only feeling enveloped by your presence. I came to your house and till date, I believe your parents are some of the nicest people I have seen. I don't want to get into alot of details because I have mentioned it quite often to you but I felt so loved that day that I burst out into tears as soon as I reached back home. Then, we went through a silent phase as we both got into university. I added your location to my home screen weather. If the day looked gloomy there, I would look up at the sky and wish for the clouds to clear up quicker because you didn't like them. I had a crush on you back then too, but you liked someone else then. And then everything else happened and now it feels like a whole different relationship then what it was 2 years back. It is normal and I do not expect us to remain the same but boy do I miss it. I can't tell you directly but it hurts me every time you ship me with someone else as I am sitting right there madly in love with you. I ship you with others too, purely to cope. I have been trying to go about this in every logical way I can but I really cannot stop liking you mahi. I thought about you mentioning how long distance relationships aren't really your thing, and you mentioning about wanting a kid someday which I am not sure if I can or cannot do. You have mentioned about how you and your dad talked about the importance of marrying into a good family too, and while you never said this directly since you are a single child, marriage could be a way you could get a brother or a sister, which again in my situation is just a huge mess. All these logical reasons, but I still cannot stop liking you. You are my phone password. I have a pinterest board for you named "my secret muse" and I have a playlist of songs which I know you listen to so that I can listen to them on those days I miss you a little extra hard. This one might be weird but I have a project dedicated to you on chatgpt too. I have written you handwritten letters which you will probably never read. It feels too daunting to say that 4 letter word so I will rather use a milder version of it instead. I like you mahi, I really do. Your droopy eyes which I can never maintain eye contact with, those heart shaped lips of yours which always seem to know the right thing to say and those arms of yours which calm me down, I love all of it. I really do. Please stop shipping me with other people mahi, it hurts my heart more than I would like to admit. Your birthday is coming up soon my love, and I hope your 20s brings you lots of happiness and health. Thank you for being the reason I get through long nights because I want to spend one more day loving you silently. 🫪🌾🫂🌘🇬🇧

I have had celebrity crushes before, but those always felt distant-just standard admiration from afar. This is completely different. It isn’t a frantic obsession; it is a quiet, genuine feeling. My hidden hope is that someday, somewhere in the world, my paths will naturally cross with Jackson Wang. I hope we get to know each other as real people, look past the spotlight, and truly fall in love.

i wanna be ur girl (please)

I wrote poems about you, I spoke to about you to people who wanted me. I was so blind thinking I could actually be loved. Though you did say the words I love you what are words without actions. You fell for another girl Im not angry at her though, I'm upset with you that u finally made me have hope and u crushed it. I was crying in those vms, I didn't want to confess that I was upset that u could move on so quick. Why where u so distant and rude to me before we stopped talking? Though we never dated you were the lines of poetry that filled my heart with pure joy. I never felt any kind of love like this. And I know you've moved on from me but I think about you every day. I loved everything about u that u didn't love about urself, those late night talks Mason when u would cry and you would reach out to me for reassurance and help was that all to fill in the empty void in ur heart. I never meant anything to you, I just hope you know my love for you will never go. I don't think I can actually ever hate you since I loved u more then life itself. Ur fav color is purple and it's now my least favorite color. I rmbr ur bday my now least favorite date on the calendar.

Yes, I did. I made all the mistakes that changed my life instantly, and I am taking total responsibility for what I did. I lost my way in education, in my career, and in my personal life. Yet, I have a strong will that makes me fight for success. I lost most of my time and made very minimal progress, but I don't regret it. I analyzed my mistakes, found where I went wrong, and I will rise.

So often my heart hurts. Too often I wish I could tell you I’m fine. Too often I wish i didn’t feel the way I do. But I can no longer pretend. I’ve been dying from my own mind, succumbing to my trauma. I’ve never been ok since we first met back on May 2013. You were the only hope I had left in life. You saved me that day by the fountain but i would never tell you. I’d rather you believe I am strong. Believe that I can handle my life. But I can’t. I can’t pretend to be happy with my life. Can’t pretend that I don’t believe you when you say I’m your friend. A friendship where I’m constantly isolated from you yet everyone always with you and are closer than I’ll ever be with you. The truth of the matter is I constantly feel you only pretend that I’m your friend because i don’t leave your side. I’ve been here through your good and through your bad but yet you’re never there when I need you. Never there while I’m silently being swallowed up next to you. Despite all that. Despite my dad constantly raping me, despite getting multiple abortions, despite dating men to have a place to live even though they constantly drive me to suicide because they don’t actually love me, despite the fact that every little time you got angry at me or had one of your characters break up with me that led me to attempting to drink bleach. I can’t kill myself. Can’t let you be hurt because you didn’t do something to save me. Didn’t notice my pain and the feeling of isolation that would snap and crumble the moment you let me go as a friend. I could never hate you. I’m incapable of hating you. For you are the only thing keeping me alive. You have always been my rock and the reason I live. Even the years we never talked i stayed in hopes of you reaching out. So I’ll keep living an unhappy life, a stable toxic life, a life where I can still see you live and be happy. I’ll stay living and breaking my body for a stable life that isn’t on the streets. I know it isn’t healthy to put my happiness and hope all on you but I honestly don’t have anything else to look forward to. I should have died when I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck and a hole in my right lung, i should have died at 10 when my mom fed herself and me sleeping pills and hit my head with a fireplace log. I should have died at 11 when my dad took all the pills in the medicine cabinet. I should have died at 16 when the first boyfriend to get me pregnant shot me and the friend I kept my son at so my father wouldn’t find out and kill me. I should have died the 5 pregnancies from my dad that he wouldn’t let me go to a hospital to have that resulted them to be stillbirths. I should have died when I was ready to give up my life unable to bare being a sex doll to my dad anymore. But I never did. Life kept pushing me unhappily forward and while I keep finding brief moments of happiness it’s constantly taken away. Taken by friends leaving me, taken by men tired of my used up body. Taken by fake friends who talk behind my back. I know you’ll never discover this unless i ever show you and I hope you never do find this. I wish Jewel could just be make believe. I wish I could just separate the character of you guys from real life but I can’t. This is all real to me. The feeling of isolation from Fenrir and Ivarr, the hatred from Nate and him calling me a whore who should die, the unfriending of my character. but i can’t this is all my reality because it’s Jewel’s reality. I’m sorry as I let the blood flow down my arms again just like I had after azure left Jewel, again as Fenrir scolded for the hair dye when I did it to my own hair in real life, and finally again now seeing Nate unfriended Jewel and Sapphire from where winds meet. If I still survive this yet again it’ll just be one more unhappy day watching you have the best life. If I don’t make it finally I’ll be happy to be free of my earthly body and watch you from the afterlife to make sure you never know pain again

I’ll keep this short. You’re wonderful, you really are. You were oddly everything I was looking for at the moment. I just wished I met you at a different time rather than keeping you a secret for far too long. I hope you enjoy working at Six Flags. I hope you being a train conductor someday. I felt like I learned so much about you in 4 hours for only knowing you for 6 days…and I didn’t share much about me. It’s funny because what you taught me I’ve applied in my daily life so far…I took off with knowing you but you were left with my body. I’m still in love with my 3.5 years, I couldn’t let them go yet, I just don’t know. You deserved an explanation, and I regret that I didn’t give one to you. You were like a sweet cigarette.

I am caught on someone who will never speak to me again. I miss you and I wonder if you ever lay in bed with a lump in your throat thinking about me. I just want to get to know you again, just to talk. Fuck I love you still. I can’t believe someone else will get to marry you someday. I miss you. -S

Hey. I was thinking about you again, wondering if you too think about me. I’m going through a lot right now, it feels like life is just slapping me left and right, but when I see you, when I talk to you, life reminds me that there are moments like that, that gets me going. As much as I want to know the answer to my question, I am quite content with the pace of this… friendship? Although, I want it to be more, but I am afraid that I would ruin this connection. I’d rather have you as a friend than to lose you from my life. This might be a one-sided connection, but I swear I feel it! The way you glance at me, the way we speak, the way we move, but I also feel that we have the same fear or maybe I just deluded. But for now, I won’t burden you with my feelings. I just realized through this awakening that shook my life, I love you and I don’t have to do anything about it. I can simply love you from afar, and that’s okay. I don’t have to have you… like a beautiful flower, you don’t pick it, you water it and let it grow. But I am letting you go, if you find your person and that’s not me, it’s okay. You were never mine to lose anyway. I love you and I hope you find what you’re looking for, even if it’s not me. 😭 but lowkey I wish it was me! 🫠 I will be the person I am meant to be, and if you were for me, I will meet you there. 😌 With much love, ~J

I miss you to be honest, I dont like admiting it because its painful. I am still your friend, I see you everyday, but I know that you dont like me anymore. You did though, you did like me and from one friday to another u decided that we werent meant for each other, that we were not alike and that you just didnt like me anymore and that you didnt want any drama from it. We didnt even date, I know that, its just that for me even though we didnt date, it was real for me. Whatever we had was the best thing and realist thing that has ever heppened and I pussed u to hard on trying to make you ask me out that I dont know, I got a bit annoying, but I just wanted to see if someone cared enough for me to actually do the firtd step, because I have always been the one doing the most effort. I do miss you but I know that we wot have anything anymore so I shouldnt care that much anymore. Well I guess I will see u tomorrow friend.

Heyy, This is Starr I’m writing this message a year in advance. The day I’m writing this is 10/22/26. We met on the first of October and that’s when you should get this message. Long intro mb😭. I have no idea what will happen in this year but I wanted to make this because no matter what happens I want you to know that I will always be grateful I met you. Everyday I’ve spent with you so far has been the best time in my life and I know it’ll keep being that. You are the most amazing and genuine and funny person I’ve ever meet. I love everything about you, I love your laugh, your smile, your kindness, your personality, the way you genuinely care about me. I want you to know I will always care about you deeply and nothing will ever change that. There’s nothing you could ever do that would make me see you differently, make me leave you, or make me not wanna talk to you. There may be rocky parts because we both have our own issues but no matter what I will always be here for you. I’ve never seen a future with anyone before and that scares me and that’s why I in the beginning act a little distant at times. I can see us living together and having a family which I never ever thought I’d even consider having kids but with you it feels different. I feel safe with you even though I’m scared you might leave I feel like you might not and that also scares me because I’ve never had anyone stay and that scares me because I don’t know how to act because I’m used to being able to act like who I really am and not care because I know they’re gonna leave but with you I’m scared to be myself because if you don’t leave you’ll know me completely and forever and that scares me because no one knows me fully not even my mom. Your the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I will always be grateful to have you in my life. There’s probably a million more things I could say but I won’t right now. I’m so excited to spend the rest of our lives together. Love, starr

ამ ყველაფრის შემდეგ, შეხედე, სადამდე მოვედით… ათასობით კითხვა გვაქვს, მაგრამ არც ერთი პასუხი… სათქმელიც აღარაფერი დაგვრჩა. და როგორ მოხდა, რომ სულით მონათესავეები უბრალოდ ორ უცხო ადამიანად ვიქეცით? მინდა, კიდევ ერთხელ დავლიოთ ერთი ბოთლი ღვინო, გავიხსენოთ… როგორ ვცეკვავდით ოდესღაც ვარსკვლავებთან ერთად… როგორ გვჯეროდა თითოეული ჩვენი ოცნების… მოგონებები მკლავს… და მითხარი, რა არის კარგი ამ „მშვიდობითში“?.. დღეს შენ მტოვებ მე, მე კი — შენ… სხვადასხვა გზით მივდივართ — სულები, კომპასის გარეშე დარჩენილნი… ამ ყველაფრის შემდეგ ორივე შევიცვალეთ. მე უკვე სხვა ქალი ვარ, შენ კი — ახლა უკვე სხვა კაცი… რა მოხდა? და როგორ? როგორ დაგროვდა ეს მანძილი იმ პატარა, ერთი შეხედვით უმნიშვნელო ამბებისგან? იქნებ უბრალო „გამარჯობა, როგორ ხარ?“ ჩვენი გადარჩენა ყოფილიყო… მე ხომ ჯერ კიდევ აქ ვარ!… რა არის კარგი იმაში, როცა მეუბნები: „კიდევ მომატყუე…“ როცა სიმართლე ასე მტკივნეულია?.. მარტოები, სხვადასხვა გზით მიმავალნი, ალბათ, უკვე აღარც ვიცით, საით მივდივართ… ჩვენ ორს, ერთმანეთისგან დაშორებულებს, თითქოს აღარც კი დაგვრჩა მიზანი…

I still love you with every piece of me. You know those times Id tell u ppl can make me easily stop liking or loving them if they make me cry or hurt me a lot? well with you I realized that wasn't true, maybe for them but all those times you hurt me and made me cry my mind, heart and soul still longed for you. That time back then when u disappeared, I had written to you almost every day though I knew u wouldn't see my messages either cuz id be unadded from ur life forever or cuz u followed through with u plan u said I couldn't save u from. Also after that time we had broken up y'know how I started talking to new people? well during that time with every new interaction, I felt sick to my stomach and just wanted my sweet boy (you) back but I tried to find new and better like u said tho i knew it was impossible cuz u were perfect in my eyes.I tried to find new so I could look tough, as if I didn't care and as if nothing such as a guy bothered me, but it so badly did. I remember the number of times I tried committing because of it, I thought "what was the point of living if i couldn't have u...my reason to live, now gone...unwanting of me.. what am i doing here? I don't matter surely? who am I supposed to be now?" I remember only finding purpose through you. but as time passed Idek and Im not sure why I'm still here but I think its cuz I still have hope...hope for us, even though ik u don't ever want me again like u said. I'm still willing to go through hell and back for you even If u don't want me to. I still love you so much, there was never a day I didn't love or think of u. Theres so much I left unsaid because I was scared, you'd stop loving me..but hey it happened anyway so idk why i was so terrified, I should've spoke my mind to you, straight forward. I still think of the hibachi baby videos and truly when i seen them back then i thought maybe once we settled down and were living right we'd have a kid or 2 and once they were 1 or 2yo we'd take them to the hibachi grill place and record their reactions. hahaha. I still think of it at times. I noticed myself thinking, saying and doing stuff id never do when I was with you, and alot of it helped me. I learned to love parts of myself i use to hate and learn to like and know about other things cuz of u. I still want to give you everything u want and deserve but I feel even tho its right at your door u want it to be another person to give it all to u I hope I could be that person in the future. when I see mangos, I still think of u, my handsome mango :) I wish u could see how I see you. I still have sm gifts I still need to give you!!!I hope I can someday, but face to face. You're perfect and idc if u say ur not because u are so dam perfect in my eyes i fricken love you so fricken much it aches me knowing I cant tell u this burning passion for u I still have hidden within. I try to keep my mind and distance to myself so u won't push me further away but i tend to ignore myself n yap then i beat myself for it cuz youd start distancing urself seemingly. I hate it whenever ur gone. It kills me so much, sometimes I wish u felt this pain i felt for u whenever u was gone and during all the other things. I YEARN SO BAD FOR YOU BUT YOU JUST DONT SEE IT OR DONT CARE... Im sorry for the ways I am. Please know I keep my promises,every single one i ever made to u (that's if U want me to still follow throug with them) and I will love u till the day that I die, even in the after life.

ik I was a b*tch to ur mom but I'm sorry now and I js wish we could hang out and be 2 regular teenagers who are stupid in love with each other like we used to

Hai, udah hampir dua tahun pas kita pertama ketemu dan rasa itu tetap sama. Aku naksir banget sama kamu, tapi ya aku sadar diri sih kan kamu tuh hitz banget ya, banyak fansnya, jadi aku jadi secrect admirer aja. Loving you was like riding rollescoster, many ups and downs. Kadang dibikin happy pas ada kamu dan segala interaksi yang ada, kadang juga dibikin down pas aku tau kalo kamu stecy banget sama aku. Setelah hampir dua tahun ini apa aku udahin aja ya? Aku capek tapi aku masih sayang.

I’m sorry for how things ended, I still love you I always will, I hope you find the right person for you and wish nothing but good things for you. With much Love ~ A