Hi I feel like I should just I don’t know talk about my whole life currently with what I can and can’t remember let’s start with when it all started or as i remember:3rd grade, 3rd grade was really hard for 9 year old me especially since at that age 9 or 8 I started like touching myself and well being hypersexual having bad thoughts I hated myself for that I was never touched but I guess having no one watching what you see well fucked up my brain? Probably i don’t know I hate it, it didn’t make it better that I was surrounded with skinny kids I didn’t necessarily get bullied in that grade but I got I guess teased from time to time for being well fat as hell and, don’t even get me started with the nickname gordita my family called me it was hard enough being bullied in second grade so hearing that didn’t make it better I knew at one point I stop eating or stop eating AS much as I used too, it changed I got less fat but that didn’t stop people from commenting on my weight even family, 3rd grade was hard I had to friends and was nicknamed the emo kid like bro not cool, and I was stupid so stupid that my mom would hit me for getting an answer wrong I have no idea why but every time I see her I think she’ll hit me for how stupid I am and it hurts more than a hit because she’s better now, anyway I didn’t really get along with anyone let alone my family I felt sad I wasn’t normal because of well my hyper sexuality it’s disgusting to even think about but for now that’s all I can recall from well 3rd grade, 4th grade, I wouldn’t say it was hard but it wasn’t easy either i think this was the grade I first ever self harmed I had pressed a needle into my skin until it started bleeding but that does really count does it?, anyways I left downer went to some other school didn’t change the fact I wasn’t happy but i thought I’d have friends their no I only had one literally and she would barely even come to school at one point some counselor asked me if I was genuinely okay I didn’t know how to answer that but I just said yeah, like half way through the year I left I don’t know why I guess my mom wanted to move back or something everyone was “happy” to see me but it was only for that day the next day everything went back to normal I was sad and lonely cuz I had no fucking friends, until Amy started talking me but than she left the school but whatever anyways that’s all I really remember I think? Oh this was the year my mom criticized me a LOT and took a lot of her anger out on me, 5th grade:sigh main this I remember about this year was at one point my mom told me I looked like a gay transgendered guy and little did my mom know THAT was the year I was becoming well a dude, but I didn’t especially with hearing those words hell no I was still stupid both educationally and socially I ended up making some friends like with Raquel and others but I don’t know what happened we just all stopped talking?,I remember in after school I hated it so t was ASS literally the teachers didn’t like me at all they’d always yell at everyone they basically neglected us all even the little kindergarteners😭 anyways another thing in after school was my tennis coach I forgot his name but he was well a bit weird or I think at least he would only remember my name besides all the other kids he was teaching and their weren’t many what I really didn’t like was how uncomfortable he made me he would stare at my ass a lot and not only I would notice but also a lot of other kids would tell me which in my opinion made it well worse I left like half way through him teaching and than came back and I saw him for one week before he left I don’t know weather he quit or whatever, 6th grade:I remember getting ezcama so bad like really bad uh anyway I was lonely at one point when Samantha and Merlyn and my other friend Shawn stop being friends with me for some reason they’d always host secret meetings without me and be like “oh can u go over there we’re going to talk” I’d just saying okay and leave after they stopped being my friends I became friends with Melissa my now best friend uhm I was feeling way better this grade like yeah but than I don’t know I guess it got ruined by my emotions, 7th grade:mmm not the worst in a way beginning of the year I felt like a pick me ass cuz that’s the year I started acting how I felt and told almost all my friends MY business something stupid I shouldn’t have done this year was the year I lost a lot of weight believe it or not i found a way to not eat cool I know lmao anyways this school year was draining as hell I started cutting myself like actually and I was hella happy for some reason then after I started dressing how I felt or like my style or whatever my mom started suddenly noticing?? Like I’ve been like this since I was 9 or 8 and now you’re suddenly worried because of how I’m dressing?? Then she caught me cutting blah blah blah I still do not as much tho it drains me to do anything she tried getting me a sociologist at one point I was NO they won’t help trust me they really won’t oh that was the year i attempted at suicide like 5 times one drowning then hanging my self then ALMOST slicing my neck then Overdose TWICE, non worked 🫩 cuz I was too pussy honestly I don’t care anymore my mom can hit me criticizing me find out I still cut myself have Instagram have Snapchat find this anything I don’t care anymore I mean we all die one day so what’s the point in caring idk either I know what’s wrong with me so I don’t need help or do but not? Honestly I’m so fucking tired and irritated like I just hate everything and everyone I just I wanna die or leave without a trace I don’t care I just I wanna be normal NORMAL I don’t want to have these disgusting thoughts I don’t wanna hump my fucking bed I don’t want to be sad I don’t want to cut myself I don’t want my life I don’t wanna be happy I don’t wanna live I don’t wanna grow up I don’t want a job I don’t want nothing I don’t care I want to die I want to stop being like this, this way I fucking hate it if I can’t stop hating myself for my body and my actions, that will be the death of me I want to believe in god in Jesus but I won’t I won’t because if he doesn’t help those who have had bad ass life’s what makes you think he’ll help me? I want to be normal again give me my innocences back please make me want my life please I don’t want to hate everyone including myself I want to love everyone with all my heart but I think I’m done waiting for live to get better I know what I will do in the future I know and I won’t change my mind not for my brothers not for my parents not for some dude not for anyone I have to say I don’t care okay? I just wanna die.