Never told you

Cher Arturo de París, I thought about sending this to your email for a couple of days, and after sitting with it, I decided not to do that, because I do not want to affect your life and your relationship with your wife. The truth is that I could not figure any other way for telling you this, so I just posted this here.  For the past seven years I have missed you, very much. Somehow, from time to time, I kept on seeing things that reminded me of you. As I wrote this letter, tears were falling from my eyes because I know that some feelings are still somewhere in me because I never got the chance to tell you how much you meant to me. Even though now you’re a total stranger to me.  Two weeks ago, I did a trip to Paris and obviously I couldn’t be in your city and not think of you… While I was there, I imagined what it would be like to actually see you again, even though the possibilities were really low. I wondered what would I do. Would I have the courage to say hello to you? “Maybe that would be wrong, I don’t know if he doesn’t want to talk to me” — I thought. I wondered that if you saw me, you would ignore me and I would’ve ignored you too? Or smile to you from afar? Thankfully, we didn’t cross paths, because I wouldn’t know what I would’ve done.  Some years ago, after our exchange semester in Warsaw, we were supposed to see each other but COVID and life happened, and then I decided not to risk going there to see you. There are few things I regret in my life and one of them was not taking that plane to Paris, but I am sure everything happens for a reason. I had many dreams of seeing you again, hugging you and just catching up on how were we living our lives and achieving our goals, because the truth is, I really wanted you to stay in my life… In that sense, and given the fact that we have not seen each other nor spoken in so many years, I wanted to let you know that I am very proud of you for becoming a sport coach. I always thought that you would be a fantastic teacher, and now you are! Applying philosophy into body and health. I am very happy for you and all that you’ve achieved with your Hyrox! Probably you don’t know anything about me. But in case you’re interested, here is the summary what I have been up to for the past years: I graduated with honors and after having so many ugly jobs, I (finally) worked where I wanted for three years, learnt a bit more of French and now I recently moved to Switzerland to do a Masters Degree specializing in Human Rights and Humanitarian Action. I still have not decided if I want to become Ambassador or not, but what I am sure is that my purpose is defend and promote minorities' rights. I remember all too well of what we lived in Warsaw. For me it was like a dreamy movie with some pain and sadness, but when I remember you in it, it also has a tint of happiness and a good feeling. I just wanted you to know that in many ways, you saved me. You also taught me so much about life and philosophy. I still carry that with me. Definitely meeting you was a way of discovering new things about life and about myself. I don’t know how to explain this, but I really felt seen with you, like you saw me for who I was. I don’t know if you ever felt it, but I must assure you that I felt something really intense and passionate towards you, something you can only experience once in your life. You were kind, intelligent, curious, funny, wise, and overall, a great human being. You’re a memory of a person that I will always remember fondly, and I hope you feel the same way about me, but if you don’t, that’s okay. With you, and after these past years, I’ve learnt that not everything in life has to last forever in order for it to be special. Some of the greatest persons in our lives don’t stay forever, and that is the case with you. Anyways, my final words to you are that I am glad and happy you that exist, because we got to know each other and coincide for a very short amount of time in our lives. You were transcendental in my life and will always be.  So go on and live a fulfilling life, help others and may all your goals and desires come true. I wish you the best for you and for all your family. If we ever cross paths again, I’ll smile at you, but that’s all. After this letter, there’s simply nothing left to say. So with this, I release you from my heart and I let you go forever Arthur,  Love you always, your María.

I hate you so fucking much, I hate everything about you. You're a horrible guy and you deserve nothing good to happen to you. If I wasnt such an easy to manipulate desperate for love and attention 12 yr old when we met I would've been mostly normal, but meeting you ruined all that and I hate you so much.

Even though we’re no longer by each other’s side, every year, I’ll still hope that you have a wonderful birthday. I hope you’ll always be happy. Thank you for being my “orange cat.” I wish you had realized just how much you once meant to me. I wish you had known that, back then, all it would have taken was a single word from you for me to stay. Then I wouldn’t have had to cry and write those words, these lines, or all the things I would say afterward. I wish you had realized that. It’s still inside me. I want to tell you everything, but I just keep crying whenever I think about those memories. I can't tell you. Maybe we can be bestfriend in another lifetime. I’m sorry I can’t be there to see you succeed and be happy. But I hope that you will always be the best person in the world. Love you from far away. H

I’m just gonna say this here because I really wanna let this out of my chest, and I know you don’t know this website so, I probably am safe here. I’ll start with; hello, hi, how are you? I mean, after embarrasing myself by messaging you I still have the guts to send this. But I’m curious, are you really doing well? Because that honestly sucks. I’m not happy for you. I gave you an ego boost, and you’re bathing in it. Throughout our relationship, you’ve always been narcissistic. You made me feel loved too much, so that it will give you the feeling of being someone important to me. Someone who I can’t let go of easily. You were horrible, I’ll always say that despite of the beautiful things and feelings you’ve gave me. I don’t know how many more months, or years I’ll suffer, but I know right now I’m hating you. You treated me really well but really badly. It was a feeling I would always look for, something I would always chase from you. Hell I even begged you to stay—and fuck I really did fucking love you. Just so you know, it was really petty of you to not give me closure, just because I didn’t give that to you when you wanted it. And I know you’re capable of giving it to me when I asked you, but you didn’t because you want to be petty about it. I hate you for it. I don’t even think about you all day, and still you manage to show up in my dreams. Every. Single. Night. I’m tired of it. Please just leave me alone. It hurts to think that I’m needing you in my dream, and it hurts to think that I don’t have you when I’m awake. Two worlds. Even that I can’t have peace. I know I sent you a message that says I’m letting go of my hate, but I can’t. Not when you’re that happy. You ruined me, and you’re the one who gets an happy ending. Okay, fine, I’m blaming you for it. I’m blaming you for everything that’s happening in my life right now. I hope you end up as miserable as I am. No, I hope it’s worse, and I wish the worse for you. I hope you get treated like when how you treated me. You’re the worst, but just so you know, I can be worse. You manipulate the people around you, even the people around me. Who do you think you are? and to think I still have something left for you, is fucking sickening. I still have sympathy left because I just erased a sentence here that would cause you your sanity, YOU’RE WELCOME. I just hope you stop talking about me, and stop talking to the people around me. I don’t care how you think that’s crazy but you know how I’m crazy. And I can get crazier if I want to, but I’m holding back, cause I know you’ll use everything against me. I know you too well. That’s why I sent this message here so you won’t ever get a chance of reading it. Because what’s the purpose of you reading it, while I know for in fact you won’t get it? how do I know that? because I know you well enough. Fuck off.

Hi, how's life? I just wanna say thank you for being a reason why i am so happy at that time, with all your presence, your words, your laugh, and everything you've done (to me especially). I'm sorry if my words are make u feel bothered, this is the only thing i can do to write this letters, because i'm too afraid to say it in person. thank you, once again. see you when i see you.

I wrote poems about you, I spoke to about you to people who wanted me. I was so blind thinking I could actually be loved. Though you did say the words I love you what are words without actions. You fell for another girl Im not angry at her though, I'm upset with you that u finally made me have hope and u crushed it. I was crying in those vms, I didn't want to confess that I was upset that u could move on so quick. Why where u so distant and rude to me before we stopped talking? Though we never dated you were the lines of poetry that filled my heart with pure joy. I never felt any kind of love like this. And I know you've moved on from me but I think about you every day. I loved everything about u that u didn't love about urself, those late night talks Mason when u would cry and you would reach out to me for reassurance and help was that all to fill in the empty void in ur heart. I never meant anything to you, I just hope you know my love for you will never go. I don't think I can actually ever hate you since I loved u more then life itself. Ur fav color is purple and it's now my least favorite color. I rmbr ur bday my now least favorite date on the calendar.

So often my heart hurts. Too often I wish I could tell you I’m fine. Too often I wish i didn’t feel the way I do. But I can no longer pretend. I’ve been dying from my own mind, succumbing to my trauma. I’ve never been ok since we first met back on May 2013. You were the only hope I had left in life. You saved me that day by the fountain but i would never tell you. I’d rather you believe I am strong. Believe that I can handle my life. But I can’t. I can’t pretend to be happy with my life. Can’t pretend that I don’t believe you when you say I’m your friend. A friendship where I’m constantly isolated from you yet everyone always with you and are closer than I’ll ever be with you. The truth of the matter is I constantly feel you only pretend that I’m your friend because i don’t leave your side. I’ve been here through your good and through your bad but yet you’re never there when I need you. Never there while I’m silently being swallowed up next to you. Despite all that. Despite my dad constantly raping me, despite getting multiple abortions, despite dating men to have a place to live even though they constantly drive me to suicide because they don’t actually love me, despite the fact that every little time you got angry at me or had one of your characters break up with me that led me to attempting to drink bleach. I can’t kill myself. Can’t let you be hurt because you didn’t do something to save me. Didn’t notice my pain and the feeling of isolation that would snap and crumble the moment you let me go as a friend. I could never hate you. I’m incapable of hating you. For you are the only thing keeping me alive. You have always been my rock and the reason I live. Even the years we never talked i stayed in hopes of you reaching out. So I’ll keep living an unhappy life, a stable toxic life, a life where I can still see you live and be happy. I’ll stay living and breaking my body for a stable life that isn’t on the streets. I know it isn’t healthy to put my happiness and hope all on you but I honestly don’t have anything else to look forward to. I should have died when I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck and a hole in my right lung, i should have died at 10 when my mom fed herself and me sleeping pills and hit my head with a fireplace log. I should have died at 11 when my dad took all the pills in the medicine cabinet. I should have died at 16 when the first boyfriend to get me pregnant shot me and the friend I kept my son at so my father wouldn’t find out and kill me. I should have died the 5 pregnancies from my dad that he wouldn’t let me go to a hospital to have that resulted them to be stillbirths. I should have died when I was ready to give up my life unable to bare being a sex doll to my dad anymore. But I never did. Life kept pushing me unhappily forward and while I keep finding brief moments of happiness it’s constantly taken away. Taken by friends leaving me, taken by men tired of my used up body. Taken by fake friends who talk behind my back. I know you’ll never discover this unless i ever show you and I hope you never do find this. I wish Jewel could just be make believe. I wish I could just separate the character of you guys from real life but I can’t. This is all real to me. The feeling of isolation from Fenrir and Ivarr, the hatred from Nate and him calling me a whore who should die, the unfriending of my character. but i can’t this is all my reality because it’s Jewel’s reality. I’m sorry as I let the blood flow down my arms again just like I had after azure left Jewel, again as Fenrir scolded for the hair dye when I did it to my own hair in real life, and finally again now seeing Nate unfriended Jewel and Sapphire from where winds meet. If I still survive this yet again it’ll just be one more unhappy day watching you have the best life. If I don’t make it finally I’ll be happy to be free of my earthly body and watch you from the afterlife to make sure you never know pain again

I’ll keep this short. You’re wonderful, you really are. You were oddly everything I was looking for at the moment. I just wished I met you at a different time rather than keeping you a secret for far too long. I hope you enjoy working at Six Flags. I hope you being a train conductor someday. I felt like I learned so much about you in 4 hours for only knowing you for 6 days…and I didn’t share much about me. It’s funny because what you taught me I’ve applied in my daily life so far…I took off with knowing you but you were left with my body. I’m still in love with my 3.5 years, I couldn’t let them go yet, I just don’t know. You deserved an explanation, and I regret that I didn’t give one to you. You were like a sweet cigarette.

It's been five months since we last spoke and almost a year since we first met. And somehow, after all this time, I still haven't gotten over you. You're still the most beautiful woman I've ever met, inside and out. I miss you more than I can put into words. There are so many things I've wanted to tell you, so many conversations I've had with you in my head that never became actual conversations. I've tried keeping them to myself, thinking that eventually these feelings would fade. But they haven't. And I guess that's why I'm writing this here, somewhere these words can finally exist, even if they never reach you. I know I was the one who stopped replying. It wasn't because I stopped caring or because I had nothing left to say. Quite the opposite, actually. I had so much to say, but I felt that continuing would only make things harder. I didn't want to overwhelm you, make you uncomfortable, or put you in a position where you felt obligated to respond. So I chose silence, even though there was so much I wanted you to know. Looking back, I understand a lot of what you told me. I realized later that asking for exclusivity when I did wasn't fair, especially when you had been honest about where you stood emotionally. I should have given things more time and space. And I understand what you said about career, financial stability, and the differences in where we were in life. I may not have fully understood it back then, but I did later. A part of me always had this little hope that I'd eventually get my life together. That I'd land a good job in the industry I've been working so hard to get into, become financially stable, and finally feel like I was standing on my own two feet. And maybe, just maybe, when I reached that point, I could reach out to you again. Not to convince you of anything, but to see if there was still a possibility for us. But here I am, months later, still trying to find my way. I've applied to countless jobs, faced rejection after rejection, and watched time pass without much changing. I don't even know if I'll ever be able to afford the kind of lifestyle you want. I'm trying my best, Arumitha. I really am. Some days I feel hopeful, and other days I wonder whether I'll ever get to where I want to be. And as more time passes, I find myself slowly losing hope. Not just about us, but sometimes about the future I imagined for myself. But despite everything, there's one thing I know for certain. No one has ever swept me off my feet the way you did. There was something about you, the way you spoke, the way you carried yourself, the way you made even the simplest conversations feel special. I don't think you ever realized just how much those little moments meant to me. I miss talking to you. I miss getting to know you. And sometimes I miss the person I was when I still had you in my life, when everything felt a little more exciting because there was someone I genuinely looked forward to hearing from. I don't know where life has taken you now. I don't know if you've found someone, if you're happy, or if I ever cross your mind anymore. I don't know if we'll ever cross paths again, or if I'll ever get the chance to sit across from you and tell you all the things I couldn't say back then. But if I could go back in time, knowing everything I know now, knowing how much I'd miss you and how much it would hurt when things ended, I wouldn't change the fact that we met. I'd still choose to meet you. Even knowing how it would end, I'd relive it all. Always.

Hey. I was thinking about you again, wondering if you too think about me. I’m going through a lot right now, it feels like life is just slapping me left and right, but when I see you, when I talk to you, life reminds me that there are moments like that, that gets me going. As much as I want to know the answer to my question, I am quite content with the pace of this… friendship? Although, I want it to be more, but I am afraid that I would ruin this connection. I’d rather have you as a friend than to lose you from my life. This might be a one-sided connection, but I swear I feel it! The way you glance at me, the way we speak, the way we move, but I also feel that we have the same fear or maybe I just deluded. But for now, I won’t burden you with my feelings. I just realized through this awakening that shook my life, I love you and I don’t have to do anything about it. I can simply love you from afar, and that’s okay. I don’t have to have you… like a beautiful flower, you don’t pick it, you water it and let it grow. But I am letting you go, if you find your person and that’s not me, it’s okay. You were never mine to lose anyway. I love you and I hope you find what you’re looking for, even if it’s not me. 😭 but lowkey I wish it was me! 🫠 I will be the person I am meant to be, and if you were for me, I will meet you there. 😌 With much love, ~J

Hello beb, i know hindi mo toh mababasa. but i just want to tell you na i hope i wont lost you pagtapos ng problem na toh, I dont know if binlock ka na ni tita sa tiktok ko and messager ko kasi i dont have my phone ngayon. tita read everything we told each other and i didnt do anything para pigilan yon kasi alam kong wala naman akong laban kay tita. good luck sa quiz show babyyy, kahit hindi man kita ma-chat and ma-update ngayon ipagdadasal parin kita. i dont know kung ano pa sasabihin sayo kasi ang dami ko ng kasalanan sayo. and kung alam mo lang kung gano ko gusto na ayusin lahat. pero all i can say kasi ngaon is sorry :(((. dinoo misses you mommyyy. i love you sooo soooo muchhh :((((

I miss you to be honest, I dont like admiting it because its painful. I am still your friend, I see you everyday, but I know that you dont like me anymore. You did though, you did like me and from one friday to another u decided that we werent meant for each other, that we were not alike and that you just didnt like me anymore and that you didnt want any drama from it. We didnt even date, I know that, its just that for me even though we didnt date, it was real for me. Whatever we had was the best thing and realist thing that has ever heppened and I pussed u to hard on trying to make you ask me out that I dont know, I got a bit annoying, but I just wanted to see if someone cared enough for me to actually do the firtd step, because I have always been the one doing the most effort. I do miss you but I know that we wot have anything anymore so I shouldnt care that much anymore. Well I guess I will see u tomorrow friend.

ამ ყველაფრის შემდეგ, შეხედე, სადამდე მოვედით… ათასობით კითხვა გვაქვს, მაგრამ არც ერთი პასუხი… სათქმელიც აღარაფერი დაგვრჩა. და როგორ მოხდა, რომ სულით მონათესავეები უბრალოდ ორ უცხო ადამიანად ვიქეცით? მინდა, კიდევ ერთხელ დავლიოთ ერთი ბოთლი ღვინო, გავიხსენოთ… როგორ ვცეკვავდით ოდესღაც ვარსკვლავებთან ერთად… როგორ გვჯეროდა თითოეული ჩვენი ოცნების… მოგონებები მკლავს… და მითხარი, რა არის კარგი ამ „მშვიდობითში“?.. დღეს შენ მტოვებ მე, მე კი — შენ… სხვადასხვა გზით მივდივართ — სულები, კომპასის გარეშე დარჩენილნი… ამ ყველაფრის შემდეგ ორივე შევიცვალეთ. მე უკვე სხვა ქალი ვარ, შენ კი — ახლა უკვე სხვა კაცი… რა მოხდა? და როგორ? როგორ დაგროვდა ეს მანძილი იმ პატარა, ერთი შეხედვით უმნიშვნელო ამბებისგან? იქნებ უბრალო „გამარჯობა, როგორ ხარ?“ ჩვენი გადარჩენა ყოფილიყო… მე ხომ ჯერ კიდევ აქ ვარ!… რა არის კარგი იმაში, როცა მეუბნები: „კიდევ მომატყუე…“ როცა სიმართლე ასე მტკივნეულია?.. მარტოები, სხვადასხვა გზით მიმავალნი, ალბათ, უკვე აღარც ვიცით, საით მივდივართ… ჩვენ ორს, ერთმანეთისგან დაშორებულებს, თითქოს აღარც კი დაგვრჩა მიზანი…

hi i really miss sharing random chika to you, i'm sorry for everything. i'm avoiding you right now because I don't want to talk to you anymore, baka may magawa na naman ako sayo. hindi sa ayaw na kitang kausap hahaha nahihiya lang akong ipakita ang mukha ko sayo,pinagsisisihan ko lahat ng naging desisyon ko sa buhay ngayon, madali lang sabihin ang mga katagang "gusto kita, babawi ako sayo" pero hindi ko yun mapanindigan dahil masama akong tao. sinubukan lang ako ni Lord kung gusto ba talaga kita ay bumitaw agad ako nung dumating siya hahahahahahha. I wish hindi na tayo maging okay hahaha, friendship over kumbaga :((( ilayo sana ako ni Lord sayo, ilayo kana oo.

ik I was a b*tch to ur mom but I'm sorry now and I js wish we could hang out and be 2 regular teenagers who are stupid in love with each other like we used to

you've become too dear to me in the few days we've been together.. i want you to like me so much and i want my love to be mutual. you are very dear to me, i am so afraid of spoiling everything...

If only you knew...

მიყვარს გულწრფელობა და იმის პირდაპირ თქმა, რასაც ვფიქრობ… როცა შენს თვალებში ვიყურები, ჭკუიდან ვიშლები… წარმოვიდგენ, რომ ჩემს გვერდით ხარ — სწორედ ეს მინდა. ზოგჯერ კი ისეთი სურვილი მიჩნდება, რომ გითხრა, როგორ მიყვარხარ… შენ ჩემს ფოტოს იღებ, მაშინ როცა ჩემი ხმა დინამიკიდან ისმის. თუ შენ ჩემი პირადი ნარკოტიკი ხარ, მაშინ სასწრაფოდ მჭირდება შენი სიყვარულის ზედოზირება… ჩვენ ორივე ვგრძნობთ, რომ ბევრი სიტყვის თქმა საჭირო არ არის. თვალებით საუბარი ნებისმიერ არსებულ სიტყვაზე ძლიერია… და ჰო… იმედი მაქვს, უარს არ მეტყვი, როცა გკითხავ, გინდა თუ არა ჩემთან სექსი. დრო გადის, აწმყო კი უკვდავია… წარსული უკან მოვიტოვეთ და მომავალი ერთად შევქმენით… ბევრი მეუბნება, რომ უცნაურად ვიქცევი… მაგრამ შენი სურნელი ისე მათრობს, რომ, ჯანდაბა, თავბრუ მეხვევა… და მე მხოლოდ ერთი სურვილი მაქვს… თუ რეინკარნაცია არსებობს, მინდა, შემდეგ ცხოვრებაშიც ჩემი მამაკაცი იყო… ჩვენს შორის მომხდარი აშკარად უბრალო დამთხვევა არ ყოფილა… ჩვენს შორის არც ერთი მანძილი არ არის ზედმეტად დიდი. ყველაფერი, რაც მინდა, შენი მკლავების სითბოში ყოფნაა… ნება მომეცი, შენი კანის სურნელში გავეხვიო…

antes eu não tinha certeza do que eu sentia por você, sei que o nosso passado é meio vergonhoso e que você não gostava de mim no passado, mas mais umavez nós nos encontramos, mais maduros e bem mais diferentes. Sei que foi coisa de Deus nós nos encontrarmos, pois frequentamos a mesma escola denovo, na mesma academia e por pouco quase moramos do lado um do outro. Sei que começo desse ano eu te magoei e também me lembro de quando você me rejeitou mas agora isso é passado, quando tô com você, eu posso falar de qualquer coisa, posso ser quem eu sou, eu dou risada, conversamos sobre tudo mas ainda sim ainda tenho vergonha de olhar nos seus olhos, de olhar pra você, abraçar você, porque sinceramente é muito difícil de acreditar que nós nos encontramos e nos amamos, eu quero que isso dure, quero ficar perto de você todos os dias. Gosto de como você é atencioso, de como cuida de mim, gosto do seu cabelo e dos seus olhos e de como me protege, gosto de como você sabe tudo sobre mim, gosto de como você é compreensivo e de como e um ótimo filho, um ótimo amigo e um ótimo pretendente pra mim. Gosto de estar com você e trocar cada palavra com você, gosto de como é fiel e de como eu posso confiar em você, gosto de como você me faz querer melhorar todos os dias e por fim mas não menos importante eu gosto de você. Você me completa, nossas personalidades são meio opostas mas somos tão parecidos em tudo. Eu não quero que isso acabe, eu nunca pensei que falaria isso mas eu te amo mesmo, eu não queria me apegar. Eu sei que você já teve um relacionamento passado mas porfavor não se lembre mais dela e nem se apaixone por outra pessoa, porfavor olha pra mim e investe em mim, se você não sabe, eu sempre gostei de você mesmo quando fui rejeitada, você foi meu PRIMEIRO AMOR, então porfavor, deixe eu ser pelo menos o seu primeiro AMOR. Eu nunca vou desistir de você, porfavor não muda de opinião e que continue gostando de mim, por que arthur, eu te amo muito e espero que fiquemos juntos até o final de nossas vidas. Que nossos pais aprovem o nosso namoro e depois o casamento, que façamos tudo certo, que nos casemos em uma igreja evangelica bem bonita e que tenhamos 4 filhos, 2 meninos e 2 meninas e um cachorro. E que você possa ser advogado e eu uma médica, que moremos numa casa grande bem bonita e moderna, que nós façamos várias viagens e que nossos pais sejam amigos e os melhores sogros e sogras possíveis. Que nós vivamos uma vida com Deus constante r que sejamos muito felizes e fiéis um ao outro e à Deus, e que nós possamos viver ao lado um do outro até o final das nossas vidas, eu te amo muito mesmo.

maybe if i wrote your name like this then it'd take a while for you to find this (if you ever do). i find comfort in knowing there's always a small chance of this making its way into your (metaphorical) doorstep, but it'd be a long while before it does. with that in mind, i'll be specific so you'll know its you i'm talking about. as of writing, you're an aspiring English teacher at eduk, but you want to teach in taguig or some place where teachers are paid closer to their worth. you're a past vice president of tabletop and now one of our pub mascots. you see turtles as your brand even though you've never had one. you love teaching others how to teach games even if saying the same bit drives you insane. you're nosy and you love meddling. you're mean at times but not really. you care about people even when they disappoint you. there's more about you than i can ever say here but i've already said enough for you to know it's actually you i'm talking about. im writing this because i don't know how to talk to people well. i don't know where else i can say that i want us to be friends so badly but ive never known how friends work. if i knew, i would've just talked to you and i would've known what to do instead of writing here. you've been approaching me and like a starved dog i hound at the small crumbs you're willing to offer, to the point that i thought i liked you romantically. maybe i did start off infatuated because of the attention, but i realize that that's exactly my problem. i'm not actually romantically attracted to you, i just can't differentiate my desire to have friends with romantic attraction. im not one for friends, you see. i just never learned how. all my life ive treated my relationships as transactional that i don't know how friends work. i dont know if it started from my emotionally constipated family or am i just fucked up. i wish i knew how friendship works. i badly wish that i do. so see, that's why im writing this. i can't dump this all on you when you already keep people at an arms length. i want to be part of your circle so bad and you talking to me like we're friends is giving me hope and it scares me. i want so badly to ask 'are we friends?' but i know ill never get a serious answer and ill scare you off. i know friendship doesn't happen just because you asked for it. at least, not when you're in college already. and i don't want to fuck this up. not you, and not chesca. i keep walking on eggshells because im scared that im assuming things again. ive done it in the past multiple times, and it hurt to know that people never saw me as their friend even though i thought we were close. watching people leave is also hard. im grateful for all your kind words. every time you approach me i get tempted to lean into your space and feel your warmth. i sound like a creep. im disgusted by how touch-starved i am and how i miss having tactile 'friends' (i dont see them anymore). one time you told me you'll bring flowers to my final theatre show even though i said i will probably act badly. nobody has ever said that to me. nobody. (i crave flowers like i crave life.) you said it so off-handedly that i knew you were just the type of person to do that. except you don't know how your words rocked my world so much that all i can do is say yes. yes, i'll invite you. i know its highly likely that you won't be there and there won't be flowers, but you saying that was enough for me. the idea that you thought i was deserving of flowers even though you didn't know me well yet was such a kindness that i just don't know what to do with. that's why im writing this. i wish you won't get sick of me. i wish we had time. i wish i have more time with you and chesca that i can finally make friends 'for life' before i graduate. i wish you can consider me as one of 'that type of friend' you can drag to a concert spontaneously and not just a workmate or your last option when there's nobody else to talk to. i wish you'd think of me when arranging a dinner with friends. i wish we could eat meals together. i wish you won't get tired of my 'lack of whimsy.' it's not that i lacked whimsy. it's just that i forget how to share it with other people without thinking of whether they'd like what i had to give. my whimsy has always been just me (and my partner, occasionally). i wish someday i get to be part of yours. - not a leo