Heartbreak

How could you neglect your child like that? was sick. Depressed. Neglected. Scared. And all I ever wanted was a father. All because I wasn’t perfect enough for you. All because I wasn’t my sister. I can’t remember so much of my childhood. I wonder if I even have a good memory of you…all I can see is you in my face threatening me. My father, threatening me.

You’ve been my friend for most of my life yet you treated me as an afterthought. I did so much for you. I begged and fought to be seen by you and you never cared for me. I tried to get over it but you’re just a selfish person deep down..

its been past a week since you decided to put a break in our relationship, and i figured i would be seeing you less and less often. we barely speak as much as we did too, and i know its all my fault. the way i was only doing the bare minimum. how i took you for granted. but i know you didn’t want to do this, that you hold some love for me (the same love you had to hold back to make what we currently have now ‘work’) and despite it all, i respect that you wanted to choose yourself first. still, i love you, and i can never stop loving you. i’ll wait for you until you’re ready, and when i’m mentally prepared to have our future together. and if you do stop loving me and move on, i pray that you find someone who can love and accept you as much as i did.

Hi, baby. I miss you so much. I wish I could turn back time to fix my mistakes—to fix everything. I love you. I love you so much, lablab ko. I hope you're okay. I'm silently rooting for you, and I will always be your number one fan! Agi, I miss you so much. I still can't move on. I know two years have passed, but two years is nothing if waiting and yearning means you're coming back. I'm more than happy to spend my whole lifetime waiting for you. If an alternate universe is real, I hope there's a place for me and Shana there. I hope there's a train that arrives on time so Shana and I can have the best time of our lives. I love you—Shanalaire. I will live in Switzerland, for us. I will live in Switzerland, for us.

I wish I could really show you how much I love you, yet I am a nobody compared to her. I am so sorry that I don't have the talent to make it to you. You would never know anyways. But I hope you're happy with her.

Hi. I know you won't see this, or at least I hope. I don't want to look like a fool in front of you after all of this time. We broke up in early August, and to say my feelings have been mixed is an understatement. You were there for me when I cried, but at times you were the reason why I shed those tears. I laughed with you, we called for hours on end, and we shared vulnerable moments. I'm sorry. I know I was an asshole at the end of our relationship, and you didn't deserve that. You aren't a bad person, despite you constantly telling yourself that. I tried to help you when you vented to me; I wanted to get you help, desperately. But you didn't take my advice, and it was starting to drain me too. I loved you, Sam. I really, really did. But I just couldn't deal with it anymore. You deserve someone better, someone who can handle your feelings, vocalize and set proper boundaries. I am not that person, though I wish I was. We were supposed to get married and have kids together. Do you remember how happy we were? Just thinking about it makes my throat close and my heart clench. It might not look too serious to others, but this is to me. We were supposed to stay together until we grew old. What happiness once spread in my chest when hearing that has now blossomed into a feeling of sorrow and slow acceptance: that despite how desperately we wanted to be, we aren't made for each other. One day, you'll find a pretty girl that your mom will love, a girl that can treat you as if your negative emotions aren't some extra baggage and a girl that can please you whenever you want. I hope you end up going into Nuclear Physics. You always loved talking about it with me, and even got a little embarrassed when you mentioned that no one had ever listened to you as I did. I could listen to you talk for hours. I mourn the first few months of our relationship. It was so, so healthy compared to the first time we started dating. I didn't feel annoyed when talking to you, and could sit in comfortable silence with you for as long as I needed. It hurts to think that I can never have that back. I don't know what happened near the end. You started to do things that upset me, like finding that image of an AI girl on your phone that looked nothing like me. You have no idea what I felt. I remember when you ended up crying, and it left off with me comforting you over something you did. I felt so terrible about myself that I ended up having a panic attack with you on a call because of how strong the emotions I felt were. I don't blame you for how you reacted. I remember the silence from your end while I cried quietly to myself. I didn't need you to say anything; your mere presence brought me comfort. I don't know what happened to you, but you got too possessive, too obsessed. I thought you were my person, Sam. I really thought that. You told me you changed for hell's sake. I feel like such an idiot crying over you. I tried so, so hard to be perfect for you, while you always made mistakes. I don't know how I'll look you in the eye when school starts, Sam. We're paired together in the Music Council. I now dread one of the things we were so excited for. I hate change so much; it's a leech, and an ugly, disgusting leech that always clings to me. I don't know why people keep on leaving. You told me I didn't deserve it, and we promised to always stay together. Look at us now. Cut contact and exes.

I sometimes wish you weren’t so easy for me to get to know, because maybe then I wouldn’t have gotten scared by how much I was starting to feel. I’m sorry if I suddenly got turned off or pulled away. I think I was just afraid of what being with you would be like, so I chose to protect myself and take good care of my heart. And yet, it’s already September, and somehow, I still find myself wondering about you—still thinking of you as one of my biggest “what ifs,” maybe even one of the greatest ones. So, I don’t know. If you’re okay with it, you can always message me anytime. Or maybe we can just leave it up to the universe and see where life takes us—whether we’re meant to rekindle something or whether things are simply better this way. Anyway, I’m genuinely proud of how much you’ve grown. I’ll always be rooting for you from wherever I am, and I’m praying that you find the success and happiness you deserve. - Z

hey red, let me tell you my birthday wish; its you, you are my bday wish, sounds impossible, right? idk too, i just want to be with you on the day of my bday, and ill always wish and wish for you even its not my bday.

I used to really love your name, it was unique, it has a beautiful meaning, and most especially.. it's you. But now, it gives a sharp pain, a sting that's not easy to get rid of. We had a beautiful thing, in span of 850 days, 20,376 hours, 73,353,600 seconds. How did everything change? How did the man who used to cry abt the thought of losing me or ever hurting me suddenly just vanished as if he never existed? The man who comforted me through anything, my nightmares, my cries.. became the cause of my pain? My sweet, loving, caring man who makes sure I'm alright, that it's all okay and I'm doing well just didn't care about me on one random day. The man who promised that it's us against the world suddenly told me he does not want to fix what we had anymore, that he has already moved on. The man who I told about my fears because of my past relationships, the man who knows how much I loathed cheating.. that man cheated on me. Never I have ever thought that it would end between us, bcs of how you make everyday feel like there would be forever for us. Never have I ever thought that the reason that we'd be strangers again was because you betrayed me, you lied to me, you did not choose to tell me everything despite you knowing I would understand it all. Baobei, how did you become so cruel? I hope you know how much I loved you, and I'd be lying if I say that I have gotten rid of that. I gave you everything I could, and funny enough, I'm still willing to wait and start it all over again for us, give us another chance if only you would come and let go everything, be in my arms again. Bcs Jabez, I still believe in you, that one day I am praying that you would be man enough to know the weight of what you have caused, that you can apologize to me with the sincerity I have seen in you before, the genuineness that the Jabez that loved me has. I don't know if you'll ever come across this, but just know that I'm still that woman who loves you for who you are, that I'm here when you decide to actually want to fight for something precious to you. I pray that deep down in your heart, it really isn't just like that for us, that you still want and need us, that us always. You're the worst type of pain and I hope that I am for you too, or that just means you never really did mean everything we just had. I wish it just made me mad at you, that I can be mad at you or ever hate you but no, I don't think so at all. My light, come back to the path we've built if you ever think of us, alright?

dear theju i write this to you to speak abt stuffs that i cdnt thru mail ... fallin from a building hurts , getting beaten hurts , accident hurts but nothing hurts as much as being not with u ......ik im the most hated person in ur life rn and i deserve it i rlly wished the opposute but ig this is what i deserve ....im not chasing u but i chassed long enough to fell down as im a spinless ss u told ... when i close my eyes ntohing comes not the hurtful stuffs not the issues nothing its jus you ur laugh smile face voice the moments we have been i was rlly hurted when u said i was equal to to the person who gave u nughtmares theja i was the one who helped u thru it i heard it made u laugh made u happy safe ya thats righ i did all that those wer the bes moments of my life the way i talked to u the way i cared made apps do u rmember u used to sleep to my stories like a baby and i used tos stay awake for hours incase u have a nightmare i rmemeber all of it all the good moments the penquin bussiness the evrything i rlly love u i miss u i wanna talk more but ig limit

I want to talk to you every day. This past year has been so hard for me, I've grown and changed in so many ways... The only person I want to share that with is you. And you're gone... I regret how things ended, and I know you painted me that way to cope... but... I know you loved me. I know you loved me, too. Maybe that's enough. I love you, bug. Ewan

i love you so much, i can’t do this unrequited love anymore. i hate this so badly, i want nothing more than to be with you while you know that and don’t want be. i swear at one point you felt the same way. what’s different now?

Dear S, I am closing the book on this chapter today, not out of lingering anger or resentment, but out of absolute clarity. For months, I carried the weight of what happened: the sudden silence, the broken trust, the gaslighting, and the pain of realizing how easily a deep connection could be discarded for shallow validation. I spent countless hours trying to make sense of the loop, searching for answers, and wondering how two people who clicked so effortlessly could end up on opposite sides of a divide. I used to think I was the one who was left behind or not chosen. But looking at the facts with a calm mind, the reality is much simpler: we were two fundamentally incompatible people operating on vastly different core values. I valued depth, loyalty, and genuine emotional honesty. You operated in a world of digital smoke and mirrors, surface-level validation, and shifting alliances. A bridge built on thin ice could never hold us for long. I acknowledge my own mistakes...the anxious loops, the defensiveness, and the ways I let my boundaries collapse to keep a fragile dynamic alive. But those mistakes were lessons, not a life sentence. The intensity and depth I brought to our friendship didn't come from you; it came from my own soul. I am taking all of that energy, creativity, and capacity for loyalty back. It belongs to me. I no longer feel the sharp sting of betrayal, nor do I feel the need to look for unsent words on quiet screens. The emotional charge has cleared. What you do, who you talk to, and how you live your life is no longer my narrative to trace or decode. This is the last time your name takes up space in my thoughts or my journals. The door is closed, the gates are locked, and your memory is finally laid to rest. I wish you well on whatever path you choose, but our shared story ends right here. From Someone You Used To Know

TAKE CARE, BEANER BABIE. LOVE YOU, AND THANK YOU FOR CROSSING MY PATH, MAKING ME LAUGH, AND NOT JUDGING TOO HARSHLY. BUT I FEAR THERE IS A CYCLE HERE. I DIDN'T MEAN TO BREAK YOUR HEART OR LEAD YOU ON, I JUST THINK YOU'RE COOL. THANKS FOR ALLOWING ME INTO YOUR VILLAGE.LOVE, SHANNON HARLEY SERENITY STAR TANKA.THANK YOU SINCERELY, AND THANK YOU TO YOUR FAMILY—MAY THEY CONTINUE TO BE BLESSED FOR GENERATIONS TO COME. REMEMBER: LOVE LIKE JESUS, AND STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN LIKE THE MORNING STAR, BECAUSE SOME SACRIFICES REQUIRE A FALL FROM GRACE. BUT THAT'S THE PART—TO FALL FROM GRACE AND LAND ON YOUR FEET, WAS IT REALLY A FALL OR A MISTAKE?144 MAKE THE WORLD SHAKE, BABY!† ------------------------------------ †If you need any changes to the layout or want me to tweak the word art style, just let me know.

I wasn't in the headspace at the time to be in a relationship. You came so unexpectedly. Thank you, mutual friend. I never knew I wanted a real family until I met you. Isn't it crazy how, after you meet someone, you start thinking abt it all? I know we both were so far away from each other. 20-24 hrs. But that didn't stop us. It was your first question after I confessed I liked you on the call. It didn't take me long to like you, even off text. You were very dry on text when I met you, but you really changed. I almost lost you for a mere moment. But something kept me going. I still was trying. You would send pictures of yourself often, face selfies, voice memos as well. And you wanted to have a call. You were the most extroverted person I've ever met in my life on call. I guess you can't judge somebody off text. One call grew to many, and a couple hours grew to seven. You made me love calling so much. I didn't even want to text you because I wanted to hear your voice in the moment. I was so close-minded, but you opened me to so many more possibilities. Even online, I pushed myself for you. I would mimic what you did unto me. We were so alike and very mature for our age. We had the same morals and beliefs. I never knew that after only a few months, you feel like they're the person that you can marry. And we tried—we tried really hard, everything that we could, to get married. We both loved each other so much. If there was only one thing that we disagreed on, it was the God that we believed in. I even tried converting for you, after I turned that one down the first time around, I still wanted interfaith, I wanted to make it work. You know, I thought that was the whole reason alone why we couldn't work, but I guess not everything's so one-sided. I figured out I never even would have had a chance because your family was the source of the decision, I wasnt muslim. You both confirmed that on our hour and a half call. I needed to know, so I didn't have any regrets from when I turned it down the first time. Thinking if I was prepared, would the yes at the start change anything? No. It wouldn't. The truth is, I knew all along the answer was a no for us, but I still tried. I felt such a heavy weight on my chest, and I knew that it wouldn't sit right with me if we proceeded. 6 people mutually agreed. That doesn't means a lot. I know we were saved from much trouble. Your religion is so strict and different. What are the odds that nothing would go wrong. We knew. I know the first no was the smartest thing from me. But when you're so deeply attached to a person, you want to try to do anything, even if it means risking it all for them. I wish we started through your dad, not you. I didn't know that you both were so intertwined. Your dad would help you with this guidance, much needed. He was the wisest of us all. This experience told me that it's very important, especially for someone from a vastly different culture, to really go through parents first. We would have saved ourselves some time and It wouldn't hurt so much. It also tells me that even though you were so smart, knowledgeable, aligned, and disciplined, you didn't even know what you were doing because you were in love as well. I can't blame you, but you told us that we had a chance. The truth is, we never did because I wasn't Muslim. You told me it's preferable, not impossible. And I am Christian, I know your dad previously mentioned that, if everything aligns, we could end up with each other. But distance was also a very huge factor. Guess not everything aligned. I feel a little bit conflicted because your dad got in the way of a lot of your own decisions, but I know he saved you, too. That doesn't go discounted. We talked about a life with no rules. We wanted to escape into this fantasy, we loved each other so much. Even after the first time around, the decision was made. We still kept in touch for four weeks, but it was a very strange dynamic. We both were still processing everything, and we still loved each other. It's like we didn't want it to end. But it was all wrong for us to keep in touch because there were mixed feelings and hope still left, and I feel like we would have done something very unholy with each other if we met up. When we were texting, it didn't feel like we were actually healing and moving on. It's like we kept each other apart from that. I didn't feel right about it, and I knew that we should stop what we were doing. But how could we if we were so addicted to each other, and we had fun doing it, and I couldn't say no to you? I wanted everything to be without any boundaries. There's no fun in that. After the second decision came around and your dad actually got involved again, silence has been the only thing I've been most familiar with. I don't think we'll ever return to even that stage again, because that has passed and it just didn't work for us. We were in a very gray area. I've been thinking to myself. It's not that I don't regret not being grateful, but I kind of wish I was still texting you. Because I miss you so much, and I don't wake up to any of your texts anymore, and it's like we're strangers again. I don't have much going in my life without you. You're the one doing all the work, studying and all. But I know we had to go through this again to really smack us back into a sense of reality. You see, there was never just friends. It was always mixed. And at this point, I don't think we have anything to gain being friends because once you get married, we're not gonna even call anymore. It's gonna be over forever. I know there's still time between, and it makes you think it would be best to keep them along for the ride before all of that. But I just don't know if I could trust myself with you and say no to you. Your dad told you to limit contact with me, and it's best. Prefer to never talk again. I see you were really listening this time. It's been three days since I've heard from you. I don't think I'm gonna initiate anything, but I did mention on the call that I at least wanted to keep the weekly calls because they were very special. I still wish that we texted during the week, but I feel like texting is a lot more concentrated, and we could get caught up a little bit easier. As the days go by, I'm even contemplating weekly calls. It's like I want everything at once. I know if you texted me, I would follow your lead and I would be open to it, but I just don't know if I could take that first initiative. I think I'm secretly waiting for you. Your dad and you have come to an agreement that it's up to me what I want to do with us at the end. But isn't that just a polite way of letting go? Saying goodbye? I think it's best if we both put effort into it, and we all know when a girl leads, nothing goes forward. Has to be mutual. If you don't initiate this week's call, then that's it forever. Nothing will come from me. I would take it as a sign to move on. You always initiated every call. I know you said it's not like we'll never text, but what is the fun of limiting messages with each other if we can't have it fully in a way where we can do what we want and text at any given time? Sometimes I hate how you're such a little puppy with your father. But I wish you actually followed your potential wife's lead. Maybe if you weren't so brainwashed by your father, things would be different. That's just a little bit of my anger speaking out. I find myself still waiting for your text messages, but I don't know if I'm delusional. Remember when you said that it would be our little sandbox, and that we would be against the world? Well, it doesn't seem like that anymore. Actually, never, because it was always your father in the background, lurking, and whatever we did had to be bypassed from him. He would have to make the decision if I get a yes or no for approval regarding being a wife. I hope he's happy with keeping his son tucked away. You went to an all-boys school. You never had a girl like you before. You never even had a friend that was a girl so close like me. I hope your father's happy now, and I hope you're as happy as him. For continuing to be secluded, I only came into your life for a little bit, I guess. But I hope you learned a lot from it, and I hope that this was the best decision for us. Look at you now, secluded again. No excitement, but the strict life you were raised up in. What's the fun in that? You weren't such a goody-two-shoes. We both did things behind your father's back, and that felt good, rebelling against him, because it was my space now, It was my domain, my lead. As of now, I don't necessarily know where we stand in the way of friendship. We may do weekly calls. We may text here and there, but I just don't know if we should end it. Overall, I can't be trusted with that decision that was given unto me. At this point, I wish you both made it. Both, because you guys are so equally aligned. It's like I want to text and call you, but then I don't at the same time, because I know that I will never be that wife in your life, like I get nothing out of it, just a temporal friend. Before you go on a search for a mate. It's like, am I that lonely and desperate? Yeah, the truth is, I am. Or maybe I just love you so much. Having you as a friend is as close as I can get. Even for the short time we have. The time before you create a new family. I think, in a way, it'll be easier for us to bridge the gap if we stay in touch. I knew you didn't want me to sacrifice anything. You told me. But that wasn't the only element. Everything is so grey with you. No black and white. I want to be careful before regretting anything. I know that the dynamic we had, had to end. But I feel like this was the only way that we both could really follow, if another person said it for us. But it's like now I lost you forever, though, because of that. Like I don't even have my best friend anymore. I guess it always bites you later when you don't stand up for yourself. You love talking sexual things. I never restricted you from that. I didn't want to be the one to put us back into place. So, your dad is. I swear I didn't do this on purpose. I was walking at the park with my mom, and she asked me a question: If I knew how everything would end, would I only want to be friends? It's too complicated. You don't know what you don't know. It was eating me alive in the beginning. I wanted to know if he was gonna be my future husband. The way I feel right now, I feel like I want to be just friends. We have history tho. I guess we were another case of romance ruined friendship. You were always a romantic partner to me, rather than just a friend. So, to be friends, I don't know if we can necessarily do that. It was so good, though, being in the gray area, because I knew we got everything we wanted. Our hopes with each other kept us alive, even though you didn't announce it to your dad fully yet. We wanted to do everything together before you brought it up to him, because it was extremely serious. But the truth is, we still took too long. And even your dad said that. The only wise one in the whole thing was your dad all along. We knew the truth, but we didn't want to admit it.Now it's so easy to be distant, just because it was left on your dad once again. And, of course, you're a little puppy, so you're gonna follow him. Only when Dad says it now, you listen. Now, you go silent. It's like, who are you choosing here, buddy? I don't know if you prioritized me as much as I wanted, but I don't know if I can argue with that either. Sometimes I think, if you really, really loved me, would you? But I knew you loved me. And I thought if I wasn't good enough, but you told me you're just so, so beautiful, you know? So that wasn't the issue. The truth is, I know we both said no to save ourselves from trouble. You went with it all along, and I made like five proposals. I wouldn't say it's that you don't trust me, but it's just probably going to happen again if we still keep in touch. So it's like more truth than trust. But you gave me false hope. You told me that you would come to my state, my country, and we would just do whatever we wanted. Because sometimes thinking so much prevents us from what we actually want. Too much logical thinking isn't good, either. You agreed with quite a few things I've mentioned, but I don't know if you actually did all the way. Maybe you were just too horny. We said we would just do it if we met up, without thinking. That way, a baby could hold us together. Anything to escape reality, I guess. But you're too logical. You even mentioned it yourself that some thinking will have to be required. Just then, I didn't have a chance.It's like good thing distance kept us apart, because we're kind of dangerous together. I don't know what could happen if we were both alone. I just know if one touch would ruin it all, and it would start everything, I don't think I could restrain from that. I actually never wanted to have kids. I never told you that. Even now, I'm still contemplating on it with somebody else, but with you, I feel like if we met up, I would do it for the sake of keeping you. I would grow to love these children, because you would be such an amazing father that it's hard not to, and you have such amazing traits. With you, I would have a kid. It makes me think now that it's not impossible, and I don't not want kids. It just has to probably be the right person. I know. We even hypothetically spoke about it in games we were playing. You would teach me how to be an incredible mother. It would come naturally, I believe. These plushies are still on your bed and your pillow, I'd hope. And this big box that I sent you all the way from America is still in your closet. And these chocolates that you eat daily, I know it reminds me of you of me, and your kitty, and your plane models / aviation related things. I remember you telling me that you will never get rid of them because it reminds you of how much loved you were. It's true, but I can't seem to keep the pictures on my night table. These pictures of things that resonate with you, because I feel like it's only gonna hurt me. You are so strong. I wish I was yours, and I wish we could be in love like that once again. It feels so amazing. You told us that we should end it before we get more attached, but I'm afraid it's too late for that. I found it amazing being loved by you. That's only one side that I got to see. It was addicting, but also annoying to the point where I was turning away. I think it was just too much. I've never felt loved like that before. We would text all day, every day. Never a dull moment. I never knew we would potentially drift away like this. You even told me we would still be in touch after your wife, but it would be limited and no more phone calls. I understood that, but not to this extent. I didn't think we would leave this early. I still wonder what's going to happen between us.I feel like I want to initiate, but I'm praying if I should do that. Scared. We both were 19 when we met. I will never forget all the emotions I felt with you. This experience has taught me so much about everything, and because of you, I got so much closer to my God. I can't thank you enough for that. And I drink a lot of water, too. And I know nobody ever will send you this big of a box like I did in your lifetime. The whole thing cost around $900 to send. No, you'll never forget anything, and I wonder how you feel about us now.I know you're a guy, so you're probably gonna move on so much faster. You're already rubbing it in my face about your future wife. And I know you're not perfect. I know you feel it, too. It's hard to live without you in my life. I literally want to die. And I know the answer is right, but you don't feel relieved like you wanted to feel. I know that God and your father and yourself saved me from everything. But what if I didn't want to be saved? What if I wanted to go through all the dirt with you? Every time I hear a plane, it reminds me of you. Every time I see it, it's you. You love playing so much, and you're gonna do amazing. You're so obsessed with it, and I hope your family loves you so much—even more than I do.I can't imagine you having little kids run around and a wife.Thinking about it too much hurts me. I fell in love with a Muslim man. And Islam is great, like I have no shade against it, but some of the things I do believe are wrong.I wish you were closer in my denomination, at least. I wish it didn't even have a denomination, so it could be easier, ironically.But the more that we stay in touch, I feel like there's a potential for something to change. I just don't know why, but I still have hope.I miss you so, so much. It hurts. I don't have anybody else in my life as practical as you, and I don't think I ever will.Well, that's not too true, but I like to think it. There's billions of people, I know. There's so much more of you: your traits, your personality. You incarnated. Haha im only kidding. I wonder what's going to happen from here on out. It's been three days.Longest we've ever went without communication.It's like now I'm only healing. But it's like talking to you prevented that from healing—the feelings, anyway. I just didn't know how much it would hurt. Trying to comfort myself with words like, "You aren't even a good texter. Why should I stay in touch with you?" but it's still you. Behind that phone call, it's still you. You also taught me how to become more extroverted. Even your dad thought I was outgoing, which is crazy to even think about. Taught me that it's okay to say anything, without asking so many questions.Because they're talking, things do get answered.It's interesting, because you were never the one to ask questions also. But I still knew everything about you. Oh my love, how life has to be very difficult! How parents have to get in the way!How religion is extremely important—more than I realized—because of this experience.How distance is actually a very important factor, and I bypassed that as well. My mom told me distance alone is enough for it not to even work.But I know we could have made it work. It's just sometimes when you try too hard, it's also not good.If you keep forcing everything and keep going against it, what good will come out? We weren't blessed. It's just so gray. How could I lose you forever?How could you give me the decision to take it in my hands how we end? You told me that we would still stay in touch.I can't go by you. I just can't.That decision alone makes it easier than looking at the past. Sometimes we can't keep looking at the past; we have to look at the present, and see what happens, where we are. To avoid all this, don't even end up with somebody of a vastly different religion. Because now I've brought this upon myself, and I have to deal with all the consequences that are entailed. It's not a fun process, but you've got to go through it. I still had lots of fun, even though I knew I would get nothing out of it. Just like sending that box, I did it for the experience. I miss you. I love you so much, and I wish you the best in your life. I thought I could convert you, but I hope SDA finds you in some way. I just can't guarantee that I'll be available.

I miss you. So much. But I don't miss the person you can be. I don't miss the SA. I don't miss you forcing me to get drunk. I don't miss the abuse. But the good times make me miss you. When we were baking together at midnight. When we would lay on the couch and watch movies or blast the tv so loud playing something stupid that made us laugh that your parents would yell at us. The time we painted matching jeans even though I hated wearing jeans your smile was worth it. But everytime I miss those times I remember you grabbing my chest while I tried to sleep. The fear of what you did when you got me to overdose into sleep. The countless times you convinced me I was unlovable. The times you stole my phone and blocked the only people who could convince me to leave you. The pictures you forced me to take. I can never forget the feeling of your hands around my throat while you held a pillow over my face. It keeps me up at night. But I wonder if there is a version of you that some people only get to see the good side. Was I the only one who saw the bad side? I know no one will believe me if I tell them about the abuse. Maybe it doesn't matter if they believe me. I hate you. But I miss you. You made me so dependent on you I don't know what to do now that I left you.

Oh you've got me wrapped around your finger good. I can't seem to find a way to escape this feeling, and rightfully so, it's overwhelming and scary dude. It feels wrong to feel this way with you we're friends and you've got someone you're yearning for, and even so if you didn't I don't think we'd be each other's. I'm in a world far away from you, and yours is better while I'm just here. Trapped in a cage I've built myself while you're freely you. You say we're so similar in many ways and that we're just the same person, different fonts—I don't see it that way. You're everything I've ever wanted to be, and you're everything I've wanted to have; someone who's love I've dreamt about. While I've been trying to understand love, you've been living your life with love. How glad I am to have you in my presence. I am a bit jealous over that guy you've been crushing on, but I don't have the right to be like this. I'm your friend and it stays that way. I really wish you the best, my angel. -Aen

I miss the past. Those times we laughed for hours, talking until midnight. It’s stupid of me, but I want it back. We were never a thing. Never had some fantastical love story, and I’m not even sure you were into me. But you were my light. You listened to my dumb stories, what I ate for lunch, the people who pissed me off that day. I loved that, that time where I could talk to you forever, and you would tell me what was wrong. It shouldn’t have changed. I can’t love you that way anymore. And you can’t know. I was never a choice, was I? I was the one you would talk to about girls and I would hype you up, because I loved seeing you happy. Your smile made my day. I don’t see you smile a lot anymore. At least, not really. I know the difference. I know when you didn’t sleep well, or you had a rough day with your family. I know when those girls got to you and when something good happened. I knew more than you told me, and I never let you catch on. I know what your favorite candy is, your siblings middle names and your closest friends. I know your favorite movie characters and your hobbies. And yet it doesn’t matter. My best friend. My love. It feels so strange to say that. I never intended it to go this way. But it did. And yet you’re not mine. And you don’t need to be. I know that. It still hurts.

I imagine you being as gentle with someone else as you were with me, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I've never met someone so patient, so giving, so understanding, and I'm scared that I won't meet someone else with even half as beautiful a soul as yours ever again. It feels strange to grieve someone who is still alive. Someone I never really even had, but pretended I did. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I'm sorry it's religion that came between us before we could even give it a try, before I could let you love me the way you silently promised you would, before I could repay you threefold for all the ways you've built me up. You've been a lighthouse in every storm, constant and grounded, and I don't know what I've done to even deserve knowing you, but what I do know is that I've put you through more than you deserve by being in your life. I'm grateful you're in my life, but I apologise for intruding on yours. Sometimes I imagine an alternate universe, where our fates were kinder, and you spend every third day at my house hanging out with my younger siblings who love you, and my brother finally has an older brother figure to look up to. Or maybe, on other days, I take your dog on walks with you, fingers intertwined like they used to be. Your hands always ran warm. We walk home along the shore near your house, and I have comfortable chats with your sister and your parents, and I tell them how well you treat me, as I know you would. You always do. You always have. Whoever gets to hold you will be the luckiest girl in the world. You're so easy to talk to. So calming and careful and sincere. So honest, so smart in the way you saw through every part of me that I doubted. I selfishly thought no one would ever know you or love you the way that I do, but you're so perfect that I think it's impossible not to. I wish things were different. I wish this tightness in my chest was from a nightmare, not reality. I wish you would tell me I'm pretty without being worried that you'll make it worse, make us fall further apart than we already are. I wish I could hold your face in my hands and kiss your nose, or rest my cheek on your shoulder again, or hug you again. Just one more time. And I want to stay friends. I want you in my life. But right now, the thought of having to see you as someone other than the only man in the world who understands me makes me cry. I've cried every day for weeks. The headache doesn't go away. I've made so many mistakes in my life, but the biggest one is being someone you fell in love with. You told me nothing is my fault, that I've done nothing, that you could never hate me, that I'm not a bad person. But I can't bring myself to believe you. It was my religion, my beliefs that fell between us. And, despite knowing how it would play out, I let myself pretend that I was right for you and you were right for me. And I hurt you because of it. You've grown into every part of my life, and I don't know how to live without seeing you everywhere. I miss you so so so so much. Even though we still talk in spite of both our aching hearts. I love you, and I'll always love you in some small part in my chest, with the innocence of a child being carried to bed after falling asleep on the couch, and with the depth of two sort-of-adults who feel everything in its fullest. I started writing this hoping you'd never see it, but some part of me hopes you will, and see all the things I'm too scared to say out loud. You deserve the world. You deserve everything. And I'm sure you'll get all of that and more, but it won't be from me. I'm sorry it can't be from me. I'm always here for you. Stay strong. -D

I often wonder where love goes after it is no longer welcome. Perhaps it lingers inside forgotten playlists, waiting for someone to press play one more time. Perhaps it hides between photographs that neither heart has found the courage to erase. Or perhaps it simply learns to live inside silence. Sometimes I catch myself believing that somewhere, without even realizing it, you're listening to the songs we once shared. That maybe, for the length of a single melody, my name still exists somewhere between the lyrics. It's a comforting lie. The kind the heart tells itself when the truth is too quiet to bear. Your photographs still rest where I left them. Not because I refuse to let go, but because they are the last proof that, for a brief moment in this lifetime, you were real. I searched for you once. Only once. Only to find that even the place where our story began had quietly forgotten your name. Perhaps that's what goodbye truly is. Not when someone walks away, but when every road that once led to them slowly disappears. Still, there are nights when I almost reach for our conversation, forgetting that the door between us was closed long ago. Some absences never ask to be remembered. They simply become part of the air you breathe, quietly follow you wherever you go. Maybe one day the songs will lose your voice. Maybe the photographs will become nothing more than ordinary pixels. Maybe your name will arrive in my mind without breaking anything inside me. But until that gentle day finds me, I'll keep these fragments where they are. Not as a promise to wait, but as a quiet thank you to a love that once existed, even if only for a little while. I hope life has been kind to you. And I hope, wherever you are, you've found the peace we couldn't find together. To the person who became my favorite memory ⁠♡.