To my ex

The more time that goes past, the more time I wonder. My life is everything I ever imagined, everything I dreamed of. So why does it feel you're missing? Two years it's been since i've seen you. The biggest heartbreak of my life having to let you go. Fly across the world to filful your dreams. I never thought that loving you would've made me lose myself in the process, who would've thought that loving you more than myself was only hurting me. Without you I have grown, I am the best version of myself emotionally and mentally. I thrive in my life, but why do I wish you were still in it? I want to know about yours and how you are doing. I want to reach out and tell you I miss you. Not our relationship, I miss you. I miss my best friend, who understood me when I didn't even get myself. On the same wavelength when it came to our opinions on stuff, but also on completely opposite ends too. I miss arguing with you. Isn't that crazy? I don't argue with anyone in my life now. Do I just miss someone fighting for me enough? I miss your laugh and the way you looked at me. I always wonder what you would do if you saw me today. I wonder how you feel and most of all I wonder how I would feel. Two years has passed, I thought about you every month, became every week to now everyday. Is this just my karma for how I left things? All the resentment and anger I held towards you and leaving me here alone, I was broken. You were the love of my life and still my boyfriend, but across the world for ten months. It was the hardest thing in my life I have ever had to deal with and I wonder if it was the same for you. One thing I know, if you came back for Christmas, we would have made it through. I wonder about that from time to time and maybe you do too. My mind wanders, it always wanders back to you, I do still love you, what I have come to realise in the last couple of months but dropping my whole life for you would never be an option again. I have built myself from the bottom, I have a stable job, friendships which I've never had before and a stable/ healthy relationship. I miss you and I love you, if I could go back in time to our relationship I would, but I wish we had the personalities and attitudes towards life that we do now. Maybe growing separately was the thing we needed. I hope you are happy in your current life and reaching all your goals. I hope your relationship is happy, hopefully she loves you even just a quarter of the amount I did. I've never loved anybody in my life like I did you, never will I again. One thing I know for sure, in every other life. You are my soulmate. But in this one, I had to choose myself.

To my dearest, happy birthday! Even in silence, I hope you can always feel the warmth of every prayer I send your way. Wishing you the gentlest, happiest, and most comforting year ahead. Seeing one of your biggest dreams finally come true... stepping into that new world and braving all the tough steps makes me so endlessly proud of you. I hope every other dream you carry will gradually unfold and come true, too. The days might be intense and tiring, but I know how strong you are. May God always protect your steps, wrap you in strength, and keep you safe. :) Even from 294 km away, and even with everything that has changed between us, please know that I will always keep wishing you godspeed from afar. Thank you for being such a meaningful part of my life. Happy birthday to my absolute favorite person, always.

I wish you loved me as much as I love you but its clear that will never happen I dont wish you happiness and good things in life anymore I hope you hit rock bottom and crumble into pieces because that's all you deserve, for hurting not just me countless times but everyone else I wish you were sorry and had a heart to even question if you hurt someone's feelings but I know you never will. We had a lot of good times together and I like to think back on those but I need to learn how to stop because you domanik is what's holding me back from my biggest potential I wish we never met I wish you were never apart of my story i know you won't ever think about me again unless its talking shit on me and lying about things I apparently did but we both know Id never hurt you and that I was truly the only one who actually loved you and gave you joy in life. So I'm saying goodbye Im done thinking about you, bringing you up in random conversations I never want to hear your name or see your disgusting pathetic bitch ass face again.

oh teddy, i don't even know how to start this. you were my everything. you still are, you're still my baby and the only one i want in my future, the only one i want forever. every song reminds me of you, of your beautiful voice, you're my angel, my siren. you saved my life, i thought about giving up before you but you brightened every day, you are my sun and all my stars, i'm your moon trying to reflect your brightness back to you. even though we've been driven apart now, even though it feels like the whole world is in our way, i hope our paths intertwine again, that we eclipse someday. i'll still dream of our pretty house, our children, our cats. everything you've ever done for me, every word you've ever said, has filled my heart with so much joy. you completed me, you filled what was missing in me, and i'll always love that about you. you made me smile and laugh when i cried, you made me cry from joy and how much i loved you, and i still do. teddy, if you decide to come back, whenever it is, i'm waiting with open arms. i'm so sorry i can't say this to you directly, i just don't want to hurt you or make you feel guilty while you're taking time for yourself. of course i want to know how you are, how you feel, i want to do things for you and love you and bask in the glow of your presence. but because i can't right now, because i'm giving you the space you need, i'm putting it here. i hope you see this one day and read it and see what you mean to me. i hope you read back my letter from our 6 months. i hope you still love your sock monkey and t-shirts and hoodie and leather bracelet. i hope you don't have to push me out of your life completely and forever, because i can't do that with you. i still smell your aftershave, wear your shirts. do you remember when i missed you when you went away and i cuddled your sweatshirt on my pillow every night? it's the only thing that's been helping me sleep knowing you're not mine right now. i hope that you do still love me. i hope i wasn't just sex. i hope one day, as soon as possible, you come back and confide in me and let me help you. until you do that, i'll keep trying to cope. i'll keep writing anonymous messages online, pining after you every waking hour, and dreaming of us every time i go to sleep. please remember the times we were happy, i beg you. don't remember me with the malice you carried that i didn't know about. i'm so sorry i pushed you away, made you feel like you had to isolate yourself from me. you really didn't, and you don't, but i respect that that's what you want. just don't forget me completely, don't forget the love in my eyes or the feeling of my kisses or the softness of my words when describing you. i won't forget that about you, ted. i won't forget how much you made me laugh, my sweet love. i know i'm rambling and repeating myself, but it's such a fresh wound. it's so hard, but i need to give you what you want. i just need you to know i'm always here for you. i always want to know how you are, hear your problems. whatever you need, my baby, i'm here. don't be afraid of who i used to be, i'm changing for you. i know i've shrunken away, i've hidden, but i promise you i'm ready whenever you need me. i love you so, so much. i love your soft hair, your beautiful blue eyes, your bright smile, your strong arms, your warm body. i love the way you smell and how you held me like i'd break without you and your singing will forever haunt me, the ghost of your love whispering in my ears along with every song. you're still my hero, teddy, you always will be. i'll always love you, everlong.

ngl, i still miss you. not asking for anything, i just needed you to know. wish me luck, hopefully i can finally let you go and see you as just a friend someday. 🤍

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. Maybe because there are still so many things I never got to say, or maybe because sometimes I just wish I could go back to a time when talking to you was the easiest thing in the world. It also because I hope you would see this and want me back. I think i’m feeling super emotional right now because our what would have been 1 year anniversary is coming up. There was a time when you were my normal. You were the person I could text about the smallest things. If something happened with my mom, if something made me laugh, if I was upset, if I just had a random thought, you were someone I wanted to tell. I didn’t have to think about whether I should reach out. I just did. And now it’s strange knowing that I can’t do that anymore. Sometimes I’ll see an old picture or video of you on my phone and think, “There really was a time when this was my life.”Tiktok’s on this day is really killing me. There was a time when your name was at the top of my phone. There was a time when I thought we’d have so many more memories together. I don’t think I’ll ever forget what you meant to me. You were my first serious love, and you were there for so many of my first experiences with loving somebody and letting somebody love me. Whatever happens in both of our lives, that will always be a part of my story. I know I wasn’t perfect. I know there were things I could have handled differently, things I wish I had understood sooner, and moments where I wish I had been a better version of myself. I’ve grown since then, and sometimes I wish you could see the person I’m becoming. I wish I could know what the breakup was like for you. Did you miss me? Did you ever think about me afterward? Did you ever hear me laughing or see me in class and remember what we used to be? I wish I could read your mind just once. Maybe you don’t feel those things anymore. Maybe you processed everything differently than I did. I don’t know. What I do know is that I loved you. I loved having you in my life. I loved knowing that I had somebody who knew me in a way that other people didn’t. And even though things didn’t work out, I don’t want to pretend that what we had wasn’t important just because it ended. A part of me still wishes you would come back. I wish we could start over not necessarily go back to exactly what we were, but meet each other again as the people we’ve become and see if we could do things differently. But I also know that wanting that doesn’t mean I can make it happen. You mattered to me. I wish things had turned out differently. And I genuinely hope life is good to you, wherever it takes you because you are a great person who deserves great things. I can’t believe you never say what I say in you. You are genuinely one of the sweetest people I have ever meet you are so talented and an amazing signer. I hope you do everything you want in life, and find someone who you love (I guess 😒). I want to move on from you but it’s only because I know I have to. I’m almost there but I have my moments like now, but I hoped i’m released from this yearning soon. Thank you for being such an important part of my life. I hope someday, when you look back on us, you remember the good things too, I think I will always love you and I hope you feel the same about me -Angel

Hi, baby. I miss you so much. I wish I could turn back time to fix my mistakes—to fix everything. I love you. I love you so much, lablab ko. I hope you're okay. I'm silently rooting for you, and I will always be your number one fan! Agi, I miss you so much. I still can't move on. I know two years have passed, but two years is nothing if waiting and yearning means you're coming back. I'm more than happy to spend my whole lifetime waiting for you. If an alternate universe is real, I hope there's a place for me and Shana there. I hope there's a train that arrives on time so Shana and I can have the best time of our lives. I love you—Shanalaire. I will live in Switzerland, for us. I will live in Switzerland, for us.

I still love you

Hi. I know you won't see this, or at least I hope. I don't want to look like a fool in front of you after all of this time. We broke up in early August, and to say my feelings have been mixed is an understatement. You were there for me when I cried, but at times you were the reason why I shed those tears. I laughed with you, we called for hours on end, and we shared vulnerable moments. I'm sorry. I know I was an asshole at the end of our relationship, and you didn't deserve that. You aren't a bad person, despite you constantly telling yourself that. I tried to help you when you vented to me; I wanted to get you help, desperately. But you didn't take my advice, and it was starting to drain me too. I loved you, Sam. I really, really did. But I just couldn't deal with it anymore. You deserve someone better, someone who can handle your feelings, vocalize and set proper boundaries. I am not that person, though I wish I was. We were supposed to get married and have kids together. Do you remember how happy we were? Just thinking about it makes my throat close and my heart clench. It might not look too serious to others, but this is to me. We were supposed to stay together until we grew old. What happiness once spread in my chest when hearing that has now blossomed into a feeling of sorrow and slow acceptance: that despite how desperately we wanted to be, we aren't made for each other. One day, you'll find a pretty girl that your mom will love, a girl that can treat you as if your negative emotions aren't some extra baggage and a girl that can please you whenever you want. I hope you end up going into Nuclear Physics. You always loved talking about it with me, and even got a little embarrassed when you mentioned that no one had ever listened to you as I did. I could listen to you talk for hours. I mourn the first few months of our relationship. It was so, so healthy compared to the first time we started dating. I didn't feel annoyed when talking to you, and could sit in comfortable silence with you for as long as I needed. It hurts to think that I can never have that back. I don't know what happened near the end. You started to do things that upset me, like finding that image of an AI girl on your phone that looked nothing like me. You have no idea what I felt. I remember when you ended up crying, and it left off with me comforting you over something you did. I felt so terrible about myself that I ended up having a panic attack with you on a call because of how strong the emotions I felt were. I don't blame you for how you reacted. I remember the silence from your end while I cried quietly to myself. I didn't need you to say anything; your mere presence brought me comfort. I don't know what happened to you, but you got too possessive, too obsessed. I thought you were my person, Sam. I really thought that. You told me you changed for hell's sake. I feel like such an idiot crying over you. I tried so, so hard to be perfect for you, while you always made mistakes. I don't know how I'll look you in the eye when school starts, Sam. We're paired together in the Music Council. I now dread one of the things we were so excited for. I hate change so much; it's a leech, and an ugly, disgusting leech that always clings to me. I don't know why people keep on leaving. You told me I didn't deserve it, and we promised to always stay together. Look at us now. Cut contact and exes.

I'm in love at the way the pull you had on me is GONE.

I used to really love your name, it was unique, it has a beautiful meaning, and most especially.. it's you. But now, it gives a sharp pain, a sting that's not easy to get rid of. We had a beautiful thing, in span of 850 days, 20,376 hours, 73,353,600 seconds. How did everything change? How did the man who used to cry abt the thought of losing me or ever hurting me suddenly just vanished as if he never existed? The man who comforted me through anything, my nightmares, my cries.. became the cause of my pain? My sweet, loving, caring man who makes sure I'm alright, that it's all okay and I'm doing well just didn't care about me on one random day. The man who promised that it's us against the world suddenly told me he does not want to fix what we had anymore, that he has already moved on. The man who I told about my fears because of my past relationships, the man who knows how much I loathed cheating.. that man cheated on me. Never I have ever thought that it would end between us, bcs of how you make everyday feel like there would be forever for us. Never have I ever thought that the reason that we'd be strangers again was because you betrayed me, you lied to me, you did not choose to tell me everything despite you knowing I would understand it all. Baobei, how did you become so cruel? I hope you know how much I loved you, and I'd be lying if I say that I have gotten rid of that. I gave you everything I could, and funny enough, I'm still willing to wait and start it all over again for us, give us another chance if only you would come and let go everything, be in my arms again. Bcs Jabez, I still believe in you, that one day I am praying that you would be man enough to know the weight of what you have caused, that you can apologize to me with the sincerity I have seen in you before, the genuineness that the Jabez that loved me has. I don't know if you'll ever come across this, but just know that I'm still that woman who loves you for who you are, that I'm here when you decide to actually want to fight for something precious to you. I pray that deep down in your heart, it really isn't just like that for us, that you still want and need us, that us always. You're the worst type of pain and I hope that I am for you too, or that just means you never really did mean everything we just had. I wish it just made me mad at you, that I can be mad at you or ever hate you but no, I don't think so at all. My light, come back to the path we've built if you ever think of us, alright?

dear theju i write this to you to speak abt stuffs that i cdnt thru mail ... fallin from a building hurts , getting beaten hurts , accident hurts but nothing hurts as much as being not with u ......ik im the most hated person in ur life rn and i deserve it i rlly wished the opposute but ig this is what i deserve ....im not chasing u but i chassed long enough to fell down as im a spinless ss u told ... when i close my eyes ntohing comes not the hurtful stuffs not the issues nothing its jus you ur laugh smile face voice the moments we have been i was rlly hurted when u said i was equal to to the person who gave u nughtmares theja i was the one who helped u thru it i heard it made u laugh made u happy safe ya thats righ i did all that those wer the bes moments of my life the way i talked to u the way i cared made apps do u rmember u used to sleep to my stories like a baby and i used tos stay awake for hours incase u have a nightmare i rmemeber all of it all the good moments the penquin bussiness the evrything i rlly love u i miss u i wanna talk more but ig limit

good morning, nicz: ) it's been three weeks and somehow, i still find myself thinking about everything that happened between us. i still miss you. i don't think that's something i need to be ashamed of. u became such a big part of my life, and getting used to not having you around isn't something that happens overnight. there are still moments when i want to tell you something about my day or when something reminds me of you. i don't regret loving you or giving us a chance. what we had was real, and you made me feel understood, cared for, and safe to be myself. maybe we just weren't ready to make enough space for each other while chasing our own dreams. i wanted you to be my last, but sometimes loving someone means knowing when to let go. three weeks later, i still miss you, but i'm learning to move forward while being grateful that i got to love you. take care always, nico. i love you baby.

Hi, There’s something I’ve been wanting to say, not because I expect anything from you, but because I think I need to say it for myself. I never really had the courage to talk to you openly about how I felt. Maybe because I knew you weren’t comfortable with serious conversations, or maybe because I was afraid that whatever I said wouldn’t change anything. We broke up for a painful reason. You cheated on me, and that hurt me more than I ever know. You never told me who she was, but eventually, I found out. I knew about her, and for a long time, I carried so much anger toward both of you. Even when I later heard about what happened in her life, a part of me still felt angry. I told myself, “That’s her karma,” and sometimes I even wished bad things would happen to you. I’m not proud of that, but I want to be honest. I was hurt, and I didn’t know how to let go of that pain. But now, after all this time, I realize that I don’t want to carry that anger anymore. When we started talking again and became friends, I realized that I still had some feelings for you. I don’t really know what to call them. I enjoy talking to you, and there’s still a familiar comfort in having you around. But I also know that I don’t want to be your girlfriend again. And strangely, even though I don’t want to be with you, I still don’t like the thought of seeing you with someone else. Maybe it’s jealousy. Maybe it’s my ego. Maybe it’s the part of me that still wonders whether I was ever good enough for you. I used to think that maybe I wasn’t pretty enough, good enough, or worth fighting for. I compared myself to the women you were with and wondered what they had that I didn’t. But I don’t want to think like that anymore. Your choices were never a measurement of my worth. I don’t want to keep stalking your social media, wondering who you’re flirting with or who you might be interested in. I don’t want to keep looking for answers in places that only make me hurt myself. It’s exhausting, and I know I deserve better than constantly questioning my own worth. So this isn’t me asking you to come back. It isn’t me asking for an explanation, an apology, or another chance. I think this is me finally choosing myself. I’m grateful for the good memories we had, even though the ending was painful. I’m also grateful for what this experience taught me, even if I had to learn it the hard way. I don’t know what the future holds, and maybe someday we can genuinely be friends without all these complicated feelings. And I hope I finally find my peace.

A valley of sorrow flourishes deep within the confines of my heart. And in that valley, bound to a deprived, dark, and dingy corner, stands a mournful-looking cottage that reeks of rot. This cottage is so nihilistically grey that it’s hard to believe it’s made of muscle and blood. It’s grey like my memory of you—pale and venomous. Yet, it reminds me of a time when life was idyllic—first loves are like that, aren’t they? It was my love that brought us together. It was my love that broke us apart. You vehemently denied feeling that feeling for me while I unravelled—because what’s worse than love that’s unrequited? LOVE. Falling is so easy. But getting out, well… a thousand years might not be enough when you’re trapped. For the longest time, I believed I must bear the punishment for falling in love with you. It’s the least I deserved for bringing this unrequited curse upon myself. I was the one who chased you after all. And so for me, it was bliss while it lasted and torture ever since. But what is love if not fleeting? But you know what else is fleeting? Sanity! When you alluded to the “touch of insanity” in an email aeons ago, I assumed it was the writer in you waxing poetic. I let my reasons be back then, swept away whatever was left of you from my mind. So imagine learning—eight years later nonetheless—that you might have actually gone mad in the years since we parted ways. Over a girl that you worked with! HAA! Like Alanis once said, "Isn’t it ironic?" LOVE. Fleeting love… And finally, you know what it costs. To feel something for someone who discards you like yesterday’s news. I hope that stings. Eleven years, Shrey. For eleven years I have carried you within me, like a penance that must be paid. You’re like a wound that never heals, and I am beside myself trying to stop the bleeding. I had this firm belief that at least you got out unscathed, your life now a blank canvas that you would have painted with colours of joy and prosperity. A wife perhaps. Lovely children. A car. Luxurious holidays to the beach. A thriving career where you satisfied your creative cravings. I hoped the best for you. The more I struggled with the trauma of how you left, the happier I imagined you. Because at least then, this festering, rotting hole in my heart would have been worth it. And then today, in a random stroke of eff-all luck, my penance was over. Because someone told me about your last days at that office. For thirty minutes I heard the harrowing tale of how you allegedly sent love notes in Morse code to a girl you liked, how your efforts to woo her resulted in a formal complaint, and you had to leave. I was kinder, wasn’t I? Even when you asked me if I still thought you were a good person, moments after breaking up with me, using my vulnerabilities against me, I was kind to you. I had no reason not to be. Love, for people like me, never fades. It morphs into something almost divine—like a prayer for your lover’s good fortune. Even if they are not yours anymore. For how could love be anything but pure? How could it bow down to the false illusions of ego and pride? That’s not how you saw it. Nope, you made a mockery of it. It was a weakness for you. An inconvenience, manifested as a needy, clingy girlfriend you were attracted to but couldn’t handle. When I was told today about this unexpected spot of madness that took over the otherwise brilliant Shrey, experiencing a meteoric rise in his career, the narrator was quick to allude to the timing of it all upon discovering our relationship. “I am not sure whether he broke up with you because of her or whether he took the break-up so hard that he was looking for a rebound which ended poorly for him.” Hell, something about the bitter realisation of you having lost your one-true love in me was thrown in the ring. ME? Did this have something to do with me? Is that why you reached out back then with your apologies, demanding my anger? Requesting a walk around CP like every other date we had been on? What a messed-up thing to do. Years of trying to expel you from every fibre of my being. Breaking down into a sopping, weeping mess on the streets, at work, at home because I didn’t know what I had done wrong to push you away. How you went from doting on me one day to acting like a cold stranger the very next. You know what that does to a person? How it shapes the trajectory of every relationship they have from there on? You know what all I had to do to heal in the following years? To move on, to pause this endless loop of despair I was stuck in? Until I finally learned to absolve myself of any wrongdoing. Until I learnt to separate my love from longing. Until you knocked on my door again. Why did you do that? To make a fool out of me? To feel better because someone else trampled over your heart? What should I believe? What will hurt less? That you left me for someone else and were looking for absolution? Or that I was your undoing, like you were mine? Perhaps, unlike my unreliable narrator, I shouldn’t credit your descent into madness to me. I would like to believe I wasn’t that important in your story. To paraphrase you in one of your haunting emails that lives rent-free in my mind, “I am doing my penance, keeping you for last because I have hurt you the most. I never loved you, but everyone was entering a relationship for fun. I thought I could too. ” LOVE. That dastardly word again. MY LOVE, now a monster raging against the injustice of putting you on a pedestal when you couldn’t even be honest about why you left the way you did. So here’s my anger, Shrey. A decade too late because I finally see through you. Because apparently you didn’t find peace either. The happy ending. The love you thought you could feel for someone else, because with me, you just couldn’t tell. Because how dare you fall apart? How dare you choose this ending for us, throwing me out of the equation for the sake of your happiness, and then be miserable yourself? How dare you hide behind weed and destroy your career for unrequited love, while I had to face my colleagues every day sober and had to hide my grief from my family, drenching my pillow with bitter tears every night for years. How dare you disappear, you coward, when you should have lived your life in the open like the rest of us, with your pain a gaping wound for everyone to see. I wish I had cursed you instead, wished you the very worst, because then at least I could have taken credit for your downfall. But now I am just the emotional fool who fell in love with the poor, quiet, brilliant boy who couldn’t handle rejection from another girl without breaking into a million pieces of fragile glass. Don’t bother responding. Don't worry yourself with the why-nows and the hows of it. There’s nothing left for me to hear. Because my love is now an apology to myself.

Ryooo, happy third monthsary yaaa. im really grateful we made this far, even tho we ended things at a bad term. aku sebenarnya ga benci kamu kok, i miss you everyday, i wonder how youre doing, i look at our old chats and think, lucu banget ya kita dulu begini. sebenarnya aku sayang banget sama kamu, kamu tetap ada di hati aku, because youre one of the most precious person in my life. im really grateful i met you, i know i wont be able to call you sayang again, but just know im here cheering for you from afar, seeing you be succsesful in life with me, be happy and healthy always ya ryo, im here if you need me. youve been the best person in my life, always supportive, always making time for me, even tho i know you wony be able to do the same thing to me now. there were a lot of obvious signs that i deeply miss you, but you probably didnt noticed wkwk. semangat ya ryo sayangg. that will be the last time ill ever call you that. haru selalu cinta ryoo.

I want to talk to you every day. This past year has been so hard for me, I've grown and changed in so many ways... The only person I want to share that with is you. And you're gone... I regret how things ended, and I know you painted me that way to cope... but... I know you loved me. I know you loved me, too. Maybe that's enough. I love you, bug. Ewan

I dont know

Can’t sit alone by yourself and would rather put yourself in danger and disrespect the person you love and the relationship that you apparently cared for deeply. Don’t ever want to see you again.

I wish you knew how much I miss you. I would get back together in a heartbeat. I know it’s stupid but I miss every part of our relationship. I even miss our cringy texts, and all of our dates. Even the way my sister looked up to you. It hurts to go out in public where we used to go together. Whenever I go to Jay peak I spend half my time thinking about you, and everytime I pass the froyo shop, and go into the movie theater I am reminded that I’m not with you this time. You were genuinely one of the best boyfriends ever. I dated him to get over you, but he was too chicken to even tell his mom we are dating. Your mom has watched us kiss, driven us to dates, and come over for family dinners. Everything with you just felt right, and I still view the summer I was dating you as my prime. I’m sure you don’t miss me I bet, but if you ever do, please ask me out again. I would do anything to get back together.