Never told you

Hey Barnie, This project was hella good with you innit mate, I really hope to see you again, you are AMAZING and Caring person, tbh I have a Huge Crush on you, it doesn't matter who am I bc Im kinda closeted and it was uncomfortable to me to tell you in person, bc of u knew that I am gay idk how you would have reacted Soo I kept quiet, ik u had crush on some other boy but it doesn't matter maybe u didn't, either way.... Hope to see you soon XCX Anonymous

you know se suka ko dry tk wkwkw tpi yk I never say ya ima sit how would yk kalo I gapernah blng hehehe but just know its been 11 years and guess what u blm tau or I yg blm tau? maybe well be tgt but who knows? ya somehow ur still here walau yg lalu pas P3 I pindah I though ill never see u anymore but ternyata u also moved unexpected sit but when ik u pindah I happy but time flies now were jh2 no more primary but just know I masih like u so maybe just one day ya? when u read this or never? who knows? so much question deh pokoknya just know ur the guy that FIRST made me know ab love/crush gt and ill say the dream I mean MY dream to be w u gin yaaa you'll always be the first guy I admire and I think ill always will so I wish ya yk and u feel the same way even tho u broke me yg lalu by saying things abt me but somehow I still so fcking bingung knp se such sma kamuuu. really, I really wish y like u know u like him when u dream things act him delulu sih but that's me:)

I miss you so much, to the point it hurts me that you were the one who left. I've never got to know why did you do that or what did i do wrong and i really want the answer that i know I'll never get from you. You blocked me and telling me to live my life fully but it wil never be fullfil becuase you weren't in my life anymore, remember the day before you blocked me? Haha we played a game called "a long road" and I was so tired I went to bed first but before I was about to leave, you said we'll play later but guess there was no more later now. You didn't even give me a chance to play with you one last time and uhm hey I counted it all, you gave me 43 kisses even though those are just texts I love that and i am so sorry that i didn't show you enough love before i tried. You'll never know that I actually figured it out that your roblox user was .. yk since when you showed me your grinding scene with your alt account tbh I dont want you to leave me but what can I do? It's your choice and i cant control it.. idek if you really loved me or just want to feel loved by someone and I couldn't give what you want so you left. At this point i dont even care as long as you're here for me to keep loving you that will be really great but sighhh there's no more you. I've only played game with you once and that's suck i keep blaming myself why didn't I stay longer? why didn't I give you more love? and oops i had a feeling that you have other and i feel really guilty about this.. you thought i was 2 hours ahead of you but im actually 4 hours ahead and wdym by hindu? im not. You forgot my name becuase you keep calling me sweet nicknames but ykw i LOVE that.. i love and miss you so much i could turn into my old self and write a whole paragraph of how i love you like right now.. I remember telling you to sleep well and have sweet dreams not sleep well and then gone out of my life so sudden.. You play JJS, CW and raised a floppa 2 while i was feeling sick in the head.. I havent cried for someone in so long and you are the first person to make me fucking cry this year. You mentioned cuddling with me 10 times.. wow! you want me to cuddling with air? or what you aren't here anymore.. yuma , MY yuma i love you so much, you said im yours and you are MINE.. huh? where are you to be mine now???? why did you have to leave me this way what about staying as friend? i wont bite you, yuma. I can control myself, friend is friend i wont cross the line as long as you're here i can admire you as A FRIEND not as "a girl who like you". I thought letting you vent to me, try to make you feel better and everything will make u stay but NO you chose to leave.. is it becuase i dont look good? is it becuase i dont send my selfie regulary like other couples? is it becuase i dont update about my life that much? i just dont want to bother you.. i thought it will make you stay... TO THE CONCLUSION; I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I WILL WAITFOR YOU PLEASE UNBLOCK ME PLEASE TALK TO ME -Your K. 💐

I care about you too and I so wish that things hadn’t ended so badly. You can always reach out, I’m on Pinterest. I’m sorry, you were very special to me. M xx

Eu te amo. Eu te amo muito. Mas eu sei que você não vai me aceitar, eu sei que caso aceite nossa amizade nunca mais será a mesma. Eu gostaria que você fosse menos extremo. Sei que a única coisa que posso fazer é continuar tendo sua amizade e esperando que você me veja como eu te vejo, ou pelo menos que isso morra dentro de mim. Octavia.

I suppose I always thought ‘we’ were going somewhere. You felt it too, right? You must know- the power you hold over me. Even when my mind flakes, when it tells me your face is reprehensible, your voice is grating, your personality so overtly sugary… my body still yearns for you. Despite everything, I want to make you smile, to hold your hand, to pry you wide open and crawl inside you, where it’s safe. Even now, if you’d only ask, you know I’ll give up everything for you. But you won’t ask, will you? It’s ridiculous, really, how quickly I can fall back into you. With you or without you, there’s always something missing. I know we’re incompatible. You need reassurance every other day, I need my independence. You believe so strongly- that there are ways things should be, things we should do to make it right. I’ve always thought that’s admirable; naive, but admirable. I, on the other hand, couldn’t really care less. What’ll happen when you realise that, love? What was it you said- “I couldn’t be friends with someone who didn’t try to do the ‘right’ thing” ? Friends. I’d made some dumb joke- “I don’t like you like that,” you said. If that’s true, how come you got with ‘them’ to forget me? How come you stopped talking to ‘them’ the moment I started to talk to you again? How come all those months ago, when I was dosed so high on pain killers, I could finally say ‘I love you,’ without being repulsed, and a few days later you told me you loved me ‘like that.’ You don’t know what you want. Back then I didn't know it too. Ah, but no. You “forgot,” that ever happened, didn’t you? God, it makes me feel so pathetic when I know what you do to me. One minute I’d be pleased if I’d never have to speak to you again, the next I’d want to crawl into your lap and kiss you stupid. You’ve driven me insane, don’t you know? There’s no point to this, no point waiting. What I need to do is let you go. I suppose that’s why I’m writing this; one, to confess outside the sanctity of my mind that yes, I did fall for you; two, to set myself free. It’s not fair to you, is it, my back and forth. If I let this desire- the one that demands I tie you to me and never let you go- free, maybe I’ll be a better friend. One can truly appreciate you. So, here it is: I love you. I love you so fucking much. And yet, and yet, I hate you. I hate what you’ve done to me, I hate that you live in the recesses of my mind, always. This is an act of selfishness, darling. I love you, so I’ll let you go. I’ll always love you, but, I hope, not quite like this. Won’t you forgive me?

You hurt me by playing favorites with other capeabilities clients when you and i had things in common and you hurt me about working at the rec with you

I miss the past. Those times we laughed for hours, talking until midnight. It’s stupid of me, but I want it back. We were never a thing. Never had some fantastical love story, and I’m not even sure you were into me. But you were my light. You listened to my dumb stories, what I ate for lunch, the people who pissed me off that day. I loved that, that time where I could talk to you forever, and you would tell me what was wrong. It shouldn’t have changed. I can’t love you that way anymore. And you can’t know. I was never a choice, was I? I was the one you would talk to about girls and I would hype you up, because I loved seeing you happy. Your smile made my day. I don’t see you smile a lot anymore. At least, not really. I know the difference. I know when you didn’t sleep well, or you had a rough day with your family. I know when those girls got to you and when something good happened. I knew more than you told me, and I never let you catch on. I know what your favorite candy is, your siblings middle names and your closest friends. I know your favorite movie characters and your hobbies. And yet it doesn’t matter. My best friend. My love. It feels so strange to say that. I never intended it to go this way. But it did. And yet you’re not mine. And you don’t need to be. I know that. It still hurts.

I imagine you being as gentle with someone else as you were with me, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I've never met someone so patient, so giving, so understanding, and I'm scared that I won't meet someone else with even half as beautiful a soul as yours ever again. It feels strange to grieve someone who is still alive. Someone I never really even had, but pretended I did. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I'm sorry it's religion that came between us before we could even give it a try, before I could let you love me the way you silently promised you would, before I could repay you threefold for all the ways you've built me up. You've been a lighthouse in every storm, constant and grounded, and I don't know what I've done to even deserve knowing you, but what I do know is that I've put you through more than you deserve by being in your life. I'm grateful you're in my life, but I apologise for intruding on yours. Sometimes I imagine an alternate universe, where our fates were kinder, and you spend every third day at my house hanging out with my younger siblings who love you, and my brother finally has an older brother figure to look up to. Or maybe, on other days, I take your dog on walks with you, fingers intertwined like they used to be. Your hands always ran warm. We walk home along the shore near your house, and I have comfortable chats with your sister and your parents, and I tell them how well you treat me, as I know you would. You always do. You always have. Whoever gets to hold you will be the luckiest girl in the world. You're so easy to talk to. So calming and careful and sincere. So honest, so smart in the way you saw through every part of me that I doubted. I selfishly thought no one would ever know you or love you the way that I do, but you're so perfect that I think it's impossible not to. I wish things were different. I wish this tightness in my chest was from a nightmare, not reality. I wish you would tell me I'm pretty without being worried that you'll make it worse, make us fall further apart than we already are. I wish I could hold your face in my hands and kiss your nose, or rest my cheek on your shoulder again, or hug you again. Just one more time. And I want to stay friends. I want you in my life. But right now, the thought of having to see you as someone other than the only man in the world who understands me makes me cry. I've cried every day for weeks. The headache doesn't go away. I've made so many mistakes in my life, but the biggest one is being someone you fell in love with. You told me nothing is my fault, that I've done nothing, that you could never hate me, that I'm not a bad person. But I can't bring myself to believe you. It was my religion, my beliefs that fell between us. And, despite knowing how it would play out, I let myself pretend that I was right for you and you were right for me. And I hurt you because of it. You've grown into every part of my life, and I don't know how to live without seeing you everywhere. I miss you so so so so much. Even though we still talk in spite of both our aching hearts. I love you, and I'll always love you in some small part in my chest, with the innocence of a child being carried to bed after falling asleep on the couch, and with the depth of two sort-of-adults who feel everything in its fullest. I started writing this hoping you'd never see it, but some part of me hopes you will, and see all the things I'm too scared to say out loud. You deserve the world. You deserve everything. And I'm sure you'll get all of that and more, but it won't be from me. I'm sorry it can't be from me. I'm always here for you. Stay strong. -D

I’m not mad at you anymore. I’m just confused. And for whatever reason, I still care about you too.

I still love you. That’s a strong start, I know, but fuck, it’s true. You were perfect, always and throughout the whole relationship up until the last week. Why? Why did we actually break up? Why did you waste no time in going out with new dudes, only a few days. I don’t want you back, and sometimes I wish we never even got together, but that dosent change the fact that I loved every second of us, and I still love you. I think I always will.

mas, entah bakal gimana perasaanmu baca ini. yang aku pikirin mungkin kamu emang udah tau rasa yang aku pendem sendirian dari lama. mas salah satu orang yang paling kukagumi, walau candaannya kasar ataupun jorok... itu nyebelin sih, juga stiker2 wajahku heummm hahaha. selama iniakuselalu nyangkal kalo akucuman penasaran ke mas. atau mungkin aku cuman anak yang ngerasa sendirian, anak yang ngarepin seseorang yang mau ngurus sifat bocah yang jelek ini. aku gak pernah tau baik dan buruknya tentang mas secara mendalam. tapi kenapa bisa selama ini aku nungguin mas, masih terus merhatiin mas terlalu lama. entah mas bakal terlalu baik atau buruk buat aku, rasanya sedih. memang aku ga bakal pernah cukup buat mas. satu hari nanti... aku mau ketemu sama orang sebaik mas, buat yang pertama kalinya. setelah pertemuan itu hari-hari kemudian kuhabiskan sisanya nggak sendirian lagi, tapi dengan orang terkkasih itu.

Hi again. This is the first time I disrespect myself and become a weirdo. I think it's just an obsession--a feeling that don't go away when you can't see them or just talk to them. I always have the urge to just go fuck myself and call you, message you, call your name in public like we know each other so much. And, it's so disrespecting for myself for liking someone who already gave me the sign that he doesn't like me. I hate myself for loving the little bread crumbs you always gave me. The attention that you almost wanted me to notice that you're giving me. The fuck with that? It's like you're saying to me that it's a privilege already, when it's not. However, no matter how many times I notice every signs, I always find myself being comfortable of whatever this is between us.

I had a huge crush on u. U almost guessed it. Idk if u know or not now. I'm using "had" Cuz u piss me off all the time, u have broken my heart and disappointed me sm times and I have cried over u multiple times for God fucking knows why I did that cringe shit. Gosh. U stupid hoe. I'm trying to get over u. It's been 2 years since I have a crush on your stupid ass. U only pass time with me every time but when u go back, it's like I don't even exist for u. I fucking hate u, ugh. But your soft eyes, your awkward smile, your fuckass laugh. I miss it. I miss ur face. But!!! I'm trying to get over u so I'm not gonna hold on to this forever. It's okay, I only like people from far anyways so I would have never even told u anyways cuz I can never imagine someone dating me. Idk what's wrong with me haha. I never have dirty thought about people I obsess over, I just think how they would look under the sun, ifykwim? Why do u never think deep? U always tell me I'm thinking too much. Ugh, fuck you.

I wouldn't mind listening to you yap about stucky for hours on end, if it meant I got to spend time with you. I wouldn't mind getting my teeth intertwined in yours because of your braces, if it meant I got to look in your eyes a little longer. I love you.

There's so much I want to say but I just don't know how to say it, I dont want to just make this me saying I'm sorry over and over again but I feel like that what it's gonna end up being.. the biggest regret I have is not ever making clear enough how I truly felt and not staying for when it got too hard, I should've done so much more to prove I loved you, I should've done more to fight for the relationship and just tell you regardless of how much I was going through that I never wanted to shut you out, I just got scared and didn't want to hurt you anymore than I thought I did, only that inevitably just ended up having the complete opposite affect.. I left everytime because I couldn't handle being your friend loving you the way I did.. I tried so hard to suppress and essentially kill the emotions I had for you to be there for you, but when you wanted me to help you with your current relationship.. it destroyed me, I never wanted to ever be in the position where I was anything other than yours, it hurt so badly to know I couldn't love you the way I truly wanted to and I felt selfish knowing my own love for you was in the way of being there for you, I never truly felt like I was able to be there for you the way I was before and now I'm left so lost knowing I can't love you or help you, but the feelings have always stayed, they never faded, I still wake up wanting to text you good morning and that I love you, I still want to spend my life with you regardless of everything, but I know things are far too gone to ever expect any kind of future together, and I'm sorry. I don't know what to do to move on, I don't feel attraction to women like I do with you, I don't feel the love or the spark we had, when I saw you for the first time, something in me felt like you were the one for me, and now I'm stuck trying to reassemble the pieces to a puzzle that simply can't be completed. I'm so scared Vanessa..I'm so alone and terrified I'm losing myself in the grief.. I used to be a sweet person..I just don't care anymore..this love is killing my soul..I don't know how to live without loving you..I don't want to live in a reality where I have to "love" someone else. I tried and it just doesn't work, I gave it so much time and it just never feels right. It just feels like I've been in the wrong timeline since we broke up..I need help so badly..I beg the universe everyday to just make it make sense. Regardless of anything I will always love you, you have always be my first and only love, I may be a goldfish but our love will stick with me forever regardless if I want it or not, and I refuse to "love" someone else when I don't, even if that means being single until death, I can at least know I at one point felt true love, and that almost makes it okay..It just kills me to know I can't love you the way I truly want to. I want to say I love you so badly and for you to know I really mean it, I want to hug and kiss you and never let go, I wish I wasn't just so young and stupid and maybe I could've seen it all more clearly.. I went on a trip and took some acid and it's reopened everything Ive been suppressing for years..a part of it's made me remember how much I miss human contact..a big part of it made me remember how much i loved yours.. I tried dating after you.. it just didn't work..I never felt even a slight amount of love towards them..and that only made me feel worse..so I'm just gonna stick to myself until hopefully maybe one day I'll be ready to love again..you told me I was your first love.. you will always be my first and only love, I love you so much Vanessa, I really truly do..

I love you so so so much. Why why do you hate me? Please you were always my John doe and you were always so cool and mysterious so please please please dont leave me to the wolves. It hurts being alone i cant stand it please i need you to love me. You are all that I care about you are all I need so dont hate me. Dont you ever hate me.

Hi I feel like I should just I don’t know talk about my whole life currently with what I can and can’t remember let’s start with when it all started or as i remember:3rd grade, 3rd grade was really hard for 9 year old me especially since at that age 9 or 8 I started like touching myself and well being hypersexual having bad thoughts I hated myself for that I was never touched but I guess having no one watching what you see well fucked up my brain? Probably i don’t know I hate it, it didn’t make it better that I was surrounded with skinny kids I didn’t necessarily get bullied in that grade but I got I guess teased from time to time for being well fat as hell and, don’t even get me started with the nickname gordita my family called me it was hard enough being bullied in second grade so hearing that didn’t make it better I knew at one point I stop eating or stop eating AS much as I used too, it changed I got less fat but that didn’t stop people from commenting on my weight even family, 3rd grade was hard I had to friends and was nicknamed the emo kid like bro not cool, and I was stupid so stupid that my mom would hit me for getting an answer wrong I have no idea why but every time I see her I think she’ll hit me for how stupid I am and it hurts more than a hit because she’s better now, anyway I didn’t really get along with anyone let alone my family I felt sad I wasn’t normal because of well my hyper sexuality it’s disgusting to even think about but for now that’s all I can recall from well 3rd grade, 4th grade, I wouldn’t say it was hard but it wasn’t easy either i think this was the grade I first ever self harmed I had pressed a needle into my skin until it started bleeding but that does really count does it?, anyways I left downer went to some other school didn’t change the fact I wasn’t happy but i thought I’d have friends their no I only had one literally and she would barely even come to school at one point some counselor asked me if I was genuinely okay I didn’t know how to answer that but I just said yeah, like half way through the year I left I don’t know why I guess my mom wanted to move back or something everyone was “happy” to see me but it was only for that day the next day everything went back to normal I was sad and lonely cuz I had no fucking friends, until Amy started talking me but than she left the school but whatever anyways that’s all I really remember I think? Oh this was the year my mom criticized me a LOT and took a lot of her anger out on me, 5th grade:sigh main this I remember about this year was at one point my mom told me I looked like a gay transgendered guy and little did my mom know THAT was the year I was becoming well a dude, but I didn’t especially with hearing those words hell no I was still stupid both educationally and socially I ended up making some friends like with Raquel and others but I don’t know what happened we just all stopped talking?,I remember in after school I hated it so t was ASS literally the teachers didn’t like me at all they’d always yell at everyone they basically neglected us all even the little kindergarteners😭 anyways another thing in after school was my tennis coach I forgot his name but he was well a bit weird or I think at least he would only remember my name besides all the other kids he was teaching and their weren’t many what I really didn’t like was how uncomfortable he made me he would stare at my ass a lot and not only I would notice but also a lot of other kids would tell me which in my opinion made it well worse I left like half way through him teaching and than came back and I saw him for one week before he left I don’t know weather he quit or whatever, 6th grade:I remember getting ezcama so bad like really bad uh anyway I was lonely at one point when Samantha and Merlyn and my other friend Shawn stop being friends with me for some reason they’d always host secret meetings without me and be like “oh can u go over there we’re going to talk” I’d just saying okay and leave after they stopped being my friends I became friends with Melissa my now best friend uhm I was feeling way better this grade like yeah but than I don’t know I guess it got ruined by my emotions, 7th grade:mmm not the worst in a way beginning of the year I felt like a pick me ass cuz that’s the year I started acting how I felt and told almost all my friends MY business something stupid I shouldn’t have done this year was the year I lost a lot of weight believe it or not i found a way to not eat cool I know lmao anyways this school year was draining as hell I started cutting myself like actually and I was hella happy for some reason then after I started dressing how I felt or like my style or whatever my mom started suddenly noticing?? Like I’ve been like this since I was 9 or 8 and now you’re suddenly worried because of how I’m dressing?? Then she caught me cutting blah blah blah I still do not as much tho it drains me to do anything she tried getting me a sociologist at one point I was NO they won’t help trust me they really won’t oh that was the year i attempted at suicide like 5 times one drowning then hanging my self then ALMOST slicing my neck then Overdose TWICE, non worked 🫩 cuz I was too pussy honestly I don’t care anymore my mom can hit me criticizing me find out I still cut myself have Instagram have Snapchat find this anything I don’t care anymore I mean we all die one day so what’s the point in caring idk either I know what’s wrong with me so I don’t need help or do but not? Honestly I’m so fucking tired and irritated like I just hate everything and everyone I just I wanna die or leave without a trace I don’t care I just I wanna be normal NORMAL I don’t want to have these disgusting thoughts I don’t wanna hump my fucking bed I don’t want to be sad I don’t want to cut myself I don’t want my life I don’t wanna be happy I don’t wanna live I don’t wanna grow up I don’t want a job I don’t want nothing I don’t care I want to die I want to stop being like this, this way I fucking hate it if I can’t stop hating myself for my body and my actions, that will be the death of me I want to believe in god in Jesus but I won’t I won’t because if he doesn’t help those who have had bad ass life’s what makes you think he’ll help me? I want to be normal again give me my innocences back please make me want my life please I don’t want to hate everyone including myself I want to love everyone with all my heart but I think I’m done waiting for live to get better I know what I will do in the future I know and I won’t change my mind not for my brothers not for my parents not for some dude not for anyone I have to say I don’t care okay? I just wanna die.

I know we're still in fourth grade, and we're both boys, but I feel like I might have a crush on you. I'm being serious. I know it might be weird, but I think I do. I hope this doesn't make things weird. -Ivy

Dear Jess Okay. Not only are the chances that you ever see this low, but it’s also a good bet that I delete this the minute I finish writing it. So I’ll try to get to the point. I love you. Hmmmm. When it’s written like that you realize why classic songwriters and poets often relate the word “fool” to that phrase. “I love you.” It really feels….foolish. I met you at work in 2018. Almost 8 years ago as of this writing. First thought? “She’s cute.” My first memory is of talking to you at that island in the kitchen. I think you were wearing jeans. Standing upright, hands on the island counter. Feet together. Smiling. Yes, dimples. I’m sure this memory is an amalgam of many kitchen meetings. But it’s been condensed into one memory. Love at first sight? No. Just “She’s cute”. My next memory? The Christmas party. I call this our second meeting. Though again I’m sure we’d met & talked numerous times before that. Before that night you were just the “She’s cute” girl from Philly who lived in Australia for a while. My memory of the Christmas party is us talking about movies. It seemed like hours even though it also seemed to pass in seconds, corny as that sounds. Was I leaning on some sort of structural beam at that bar? I know I was trying to look casual. You were talking and listening and smiling. And most of all, looking right at me. Which bought up a question. Why? Why is this lovely woman, co-worker, American but a world traveler, who is clearly smart and a movie fan, but also just so beautiful, spending so much time and focus on me? It really didn’t make sense to me. Even if you don’t have any romantic feelings for me I still don’t understand your clearly real, and caring friendship for me. Not that I don’t have friends or people who enjoy my company. I have my moments. But I’m annoying. I’m old (compared to you as you found out a few years later at that magical bluegrass show). I don’t think I’m an ogre but I’m also not someone whose physical charms command a room. I think I make a good first impression. But it usually tapers off after that. Romantic or not. People get get fed up with me. I get fed up with myself. It didn’t taper off. Is she a saint? Is this some gracious act of charity? Movie Club, Yoga, then Covid. Zoom Movie Club, Zoom Yoga and best of all the texts. “Wanna meet up at for a bagel?” Me? Meet you? Jess? For a bagel? During a pandemic? Uh….yeah. The rest is a blur. A six year blur. Movies. Cocktails. Candy shop. Silent disco. Pier 17. Live Music. The roof top. The talk on the roof. 2024? If you stole my heart at the 2018 Christmas party, you stole my soul on the roof of your building that night. You shared your darker side. Your vulnerability. Maybe you thought it would scare me away. It had the opposite effect. I have many feelings for you. Romantic. Paternal. Sibling. I’m also very attracted to you so it’s all confusing. But that night I both fell in love with you more deeply AND I got terrified. Because of my family’s history your dark side fills me with a bit of dread. Let me I interrupt this love letter to say clearly. Please do not hurt yourself. Please. Not just because it would make it hard for me to go on. But because as someone who’s at the very least seen how painful life can be. You must know that it really does change. It always does. The pain goes away. The pain goes away. Eventually. Okay. Back to my fools song. Did I say I love you? I really think I do. I hope it’s not a burden. I wanna be clear again. You owe me NOTHING. Falling in love with someone should really have little or no bearing on the beloved in my opinion. Of course it does. But it shouldn’t. You owe me nothing. I’m in YOUR debt. Even if this letter ends our friendship (hope not!) I need you to know that in many ways our relationship has sort of saved my life. As you know my younger daughter Ruby died in 2016. I buried myself in work. My wife sort of stopped working. Her & I dealt with the grief in differnt ways. I wrote some songs about it which also helps. But here’s my thing. I’ve had people die in my life. The ONLY way I’ve moved on is forward. Not forgetting the passed loved one but having something else to focus on beside their death. Basketball was that for me. I think it’s why this Knicks run feels really special to me. When my Dad died at 50 I was just 20 and living at home. Still a teenager in many ways. A kid. After he died, for at least the next year or so, I got up every morning and went down to the basketball courts at Riverside Park and shot baskets for almost two hours every day. I had played basketball with my dad a bit. He wasn’t a huge fan. But he liked it enough to excite my younger brother and I about it. But after he died it became the way for me to physically grieve. To put the energy of my grief (that may sound strange but I view grief as an energy) into something physical. Something positive. Something to look forward to. I looked forward to playing basketball. It both reminded me of my Dad but it was also something new I could concentrate on. You Jess, or at least my fascination with you, was something for me to look forward to. Something new and life affirming to get my mind moving forward again. And then, as I got to know you more and we became true friends, your ambition and love of music & movies along with your insecurities and dark thoughts that you felt safe enough to share with me reminded me of my lovely daughter. I hope it’s not too weird to put that connection into words in the context of a letter confessing my romantic love for you. I compartmentalize the different feelings I have for you. As a work colleague. As a friend. As a muse. And as an object of my desire. They are all sort of separate. So when I found you might have some (hopefully just SOME) traits that remind me of Ruby I hope you know that these separate images I have of you are indeed that. Separate. They only overlap in the sense that you seem to embody so many conflicting places in my life. You also remind me of my Mom a bit too if that makes it any better. (Doubtful. Ha!) You simply contain multitudes! Or I project multitudes onto you? Like onto a Cloud. (Ha!) What I’m trying to say is that I care about you in so many ways now. And I hope I don’t let my attraction to you cloud (again!) my true and real concern for your well being. I’m babbling. Which is fine. Since I’ll never show this to you. But if I drop dead and my wife or someone finds this letter in my data and shows it to you. Just know this. For close to a decade you’ve been a shinning light in my life. You’ve truly helped heal me, as much as I can be healed. You’re beautiful, both inside and out. You’re a caring and trusting friend. You’re a talented and loving creative person. You’re a focused and sensitive film fan. I would love to endlessly stare into everything from fire to end credits with you for eternity. But just talking to you and hanging out with you will have to suffice if that’s the best we’ll ever have to offer each other. That’s it. There’s more I want to say but I also want to learn to shut up and listen more. So I’m gonna shut up and listen to your imaginary responses to the letter. Which I’m sure will contain multitudes. Love, B