Heartbreak

i hate the fact that i dont hate you. i hate that ur the only one that understands me. i hate this. i hate me. i hate how i couldnt save us. you thought i could save us and im so fucking sorry. its all my fault. i wanted to, i was trying. but i couldnt. so fucking caught up in my feelings its all my fault. come back to me sweet girl. please. i miss saying i love you to you. you were the most important person in my life. i genuinely wanna end my shit i feel so horrible. everytime i think of you i want to throw up, not from disgust, from how much i miss you. its so fucking insane. what do you mean i still love you. i should hate you, really. you should hate me. maybe itd be better off that way..or not. i never want to lose something so precious. i hate this so fucking much. i hate remembering every single memory we have made together. i miss everything. maybe i should try and push those thoughts down. i try actually. but it doesnt work? they always come up. ur the first thing on my mind, its horrible. im horrible. i love you even tho i shouldnt. i wish i loved you less. i wish you cared…you do. im sorry baby. my sweet baby. i miss you so much. i miss saying these things. maybe i should let stuff like this out more often. its not really helping tho. i feel so shitty. kill me omfg. i really hate the fact ur the only one i have. i hate it. i wish we could go back. i want to go back. take me back baby. please. id do anything. id fix myself up for you. id be normal. id video call u like u have always wanted. i shouldve done it. omg its all my fault, sweet girl im so sorry. idk why i still text you (lie). tf no ones gonna see this. i wish we were back together. it was too much pressure on you to love me i know. sorry. its all my fault.

The first guy I’ve ever truly liked. We’re in our last year of college now, and likely will never see each other again afterwards due to distance. Our time together has been short. Although we were classmates before college, we never really spoke, a regret that weighs heavy on my heart. I wish I had longer to talk to you. I really admire you; your hobbies, the way you use your hands to express yourself whilst talking, the way you try your hardest, your dreams and passions, your slightly wonky nose, your smile, your laugh even when you don’t find something funny, your kindness, humour, your awkwardness, our similar music, your acting and singing on stage. Everything. I want to know more about you, I feel like I’ve just grazed your surface. I wish I made the most of the time I had with you before, but I didn’t recognise my feelings until it was too late. I now have to try and make the most of these last few bittersweet months. Though the added pressure of it being our last year brings stress. And when Im stressed I become the worst of myself. You’ve seen me anxious, overthinking, rambling, quiet, angry. You’ve almost seen me all. You’ve seen me embarrassed and insecure. To which our interactions just turned out awkward because of my own lack of self esteem. But that isn’t me as a whole. Im rambling now, and I don’t even know if you think of me the same way I think of you. Im not the prettiest, the skinniest, or the best. You’re a deeply admirable person, both looks and personality- the complete opposite of me. You may think of yourself differently but you’re just being humble. I deeply respect you. Last year we spoke when we had class, I hated the way I portrayed myself. When I overthink, I ramble, i get embarrassed, anxious, and the cycle repeats itself. You were giving me mixed signals, which I know for my own sake that I should take as a no, but I can’t stop thinking about you. Sometimes I also think you like her, which I can understand as she is so lovely, but I could never be her. Cliche, sorry. But it’s true. Why pick me when you could have her? Why ruin your chances with her when you can practice your conversations with me and then use it with her? I wish you didn’t do that. But then you used to do the same to me- were you playing it safe? Seeing if it would work to then use on her? I’ve tried to stop thinking about you but I just can’t. In my last year of college I have priorities, and for some reason, you’ve always been and are first. Im kicking myself over the fact I spent most of my summer checking your socials instead of focusing on myself. I couldn’t help it- I missed you, as cringe as that sounds. Your future is bright, and one day you will look back at these days and realise how pitiful of a classmate i was. Im going to change, but this version of me will be remembered by you- not the newer version. Maybe that’s the beauty of it. I give so much of myself to you. I know it’s unfair to expect reciprocity, and there’s also a difference between your intention and capability. You’re an awkward guy, i get it, but if you really do like me give me a sign. Don’t just stare at me. Show interest, talk to me, give me what I give you. I know I sound selfish, but I just wish he felt the same. I say this knowing damn well I wouldn’t want a relationship, especially because it’s the last year there’s no point and because of the distance etc. but for the last year, can we not feel something? If not together? It doesn’t have to be serious- it can be fun? I sound desperate, but I really am. Maybe it’s the PMS😭 I know that our moments are fleeting, and I know that I need to make the most of my time left here. Authentically. I just wish you had more confidence to talk to me. It’s confusing. I want to be able to look back at my time here and think about good memories- they don’t have to be big. I want to remember the first guy I liked, although I may laugh at my current self in the future. That’s in the future though, right now in the present i don’t care what I feel or act- I just know that time goes by quickly. And if I don’t make the most of it I’ll regret it. I know you won’t see this, so this is my confession: I like you, very much so.

Idk if you will receive this message one day or not. I just want to say that I wish I had never met you , though I still miss everything we had. I still miss us i miss everything kiss , every laugh , and I still remember how you used to kiss my forehead . I have one question . Why ? Why her not me ? If she was your first love and couldn't move on , Why did you choose me ? And when you couldn't move on you went back to her . I mean it's your choice , but what the hurting for? Why saying that I'm the bad person for texting her and telling her that we are dating? Like tf ! And why telling every friend you have about our sexual life ? Be for real tho YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON TO EVER EXIST IN MY LIFE EVEN WORST THEN MY DAD . I hate you , but I still love the person you used to be , I miss my baby 7moudy , but I hate Mohamed . funny cuz they're all the same person , but different personalities At the end I truly loved you and I don't think that I'll ever trust anyone the way i trusted you cuz look at how it ended . I still listen to every song you gave me , but yk what I'll be over you one day and that will be the most painful thing to ever happen to me cuz I had to get over the only person I loved the most . Bye my sweet angel and btw I'll never forget your beautiful brown eyes . I prayed so much to have a child that has your eyes but that's fine not everything we want we get .

Hi matt, it's been one month since our last conversation. andami kong mga hindi nasabi sayo, di ko din kase alam kung saan ko uumpisahan, siguro mag umpisa muna tayo dun sa part na naging sobrang saya ko kase nakilala kita. God know how I want you to be my last, kase habang kinekwento mo yung mga ginawa sayo ng ex mo dun pumasok sa isip ko na mas mahalin ka pa lalo, naaalala mo yung gabi kila jules? that night. i promised to love you even better, i promised to hold you like a fragile glass. gusto kong patunayan sayo na hindi ako katulad nila. pero ayon pala yung magiging pinaka maling ginawa ko sa buhay ko, kase hindi mo pala nararamdaman yon. hindi mo pala ramdam kung gaano kita gustong ingatan, the first time that i found out that you cheated. my world came crashing down. pero i didnt give up. inisip ko nalang na baka may pagkukulang ako, so i still forgive you.but then you destroyed my trust again and again. naubos lang yung pasensya ko nung nakipagkita ka sa babae na yon. at oo aaminin ko naimplwesyahan ako ng mga friends ko. hindi ko naman dapat gagawin yon e at alam kong hindi ko dapat ginawa yon. but then naisip ko na baka pag nagcheat ako makita mo na yung mga mali mo, and i wasn't wrong kase dun mo lang din nakita yung halaga ko... nagsorry ako sayo non and thankyou for forgiving me that time. pero hindi ko alam na dun din pala ako masisira. kase oo nga pinatawad moko but I suffered from all your hurtful words, accusations, and manipulation i guess? that time iniisip ko na dapat ko lang tanggapin yon kase may kasalanan ako sayo at nasaktan kita. dahil don nakalimutan ko na kaya lang din pala kita nasaktan kase sinira mo yung tiwala ko. tbh you ruined my perspective of love, and thats the saddest thing kase sayo ko naranasan yung mga happy memories ko... all that night rides, tambay, meet up after class and meeting your mom. hahahhahaha nonsense din siguro toh kase di mo din naman mababasa taena tama na nga fuck this.

If you came back, I’d take you. I still don’t know what was real or if we had the real thing. I wish I could have gotten the chance to know.

Tu handle kar le gi ha tu strong hai tu bolti hai na main kar lungi akele par sach yeh hai tu thak gayi hai andar se being a strong one again and again ab tu naraz hoti hai khud mann jati hai ha roti bhi hai akele main Weak nahi dikhna na tujhe baat baat pe duniya ko explanation nahi deni apni. Baar baar pe bolti hai ki theek hai. Because tujhe asa lagta hai tari baaton ko samajhne ke liye na kisi ke paas waqt hi nahi hai. Aur na hi tare paas wo vishwas ha , apni baaton ko samjhaane ka, Log tare strong hone ki tareef karte hai na yehi hai lekin tari andar ki thakaan ka na koi mention nai karta Baar baar strong banna na shayad ek majboori si ban gayi hai tare liye abhi. And I think ki har strong ladki ki na ek aisi side hai jo shayad hi kabhi duniya wale samajh paayenge ya shayad hi kabhi duniya wale dekh paayenge. Par main hun tare sath yeh sab akele karne ki koi zarurat nai hai tanvi bhot kuch fucked up ho jata hai ladai main iska yeh matlab nai hai ki voh permanent kharb hua hai nai do no side se hurted hote hai isliye ho jata hai iski wajha se tum Ase karo ye cheeze chupa do ge 3 months se tune mujh se sab chupa liya ha kyu ko ki 3 months se kisi na kisi cheez par kuch ho rha nai maat kar plss yrr

I’m sorry I broke things off bunny. I miss you so much it hurts. I feel like I can’t breathe without you RJ. I miss you every second babi. I feel nauseous just thinking about you not wanting to talk to me anymore. I can’t forget the memories we made together. I will wait and I hope you still love me and I hope we can see each other again . I love you my sweet Babi, you pinky promised you’d marry me. Please come back

You keep giving me excuses to break my heart. I forgave you so many times and I know I’m not a great person but still. Why? Why does it hurt to love you? Why do you hurt me? -W

the part of me that still loves you misses the part of you that loved me. my heart aches when you cross my mind, remembering all you meant to me. it’s healthy that we stay strangers. i don’t recognize you anymore

I miss you so much. It hurts so bad. But it is what it is, choosing to distance myself is an act of self-respect. Going back to you now, or even trying to start a conversation with you again, would be disrespectful, not just to me, but to the version of myself that suffered for about a year. You were so mean. Why did you do this to me? I was always there for you whenever you needed me. But I have no regrets about all the energy, mental strength, and physical effort I invested in our friendship. My only mistake was hoping I'd get back the same things I gave. I wish you all the best in life, and please don't do this to anyone else. It hurts so bad, for real.

3am today felt heavy as i'm no longer in your life.

Three years ago, you confessed to me out of the blue. I didn’t know how to handle a relationship, or even what to do in one. But honestly, I was really happy. I loved talking to you, even when we had nothing to talk about or things felt awkward. When you came over and we talked and played games, it was fun too. But then, all of a sudden, you stopped talking to me. Why? Did I do something wrong? I’ve wondered about that for a while now. Even after you stopped talking to me, I kept on thinking about you. Just constantly thinking about you every single day for three years straight. And just this year, why did you come back? I was so happy, happy to talk to you and see you again. I thought it was a dream come true, but the good things don't last forever. Why did you ask me to be your Valentine? I thought everything was going well until you asked me that. I always just wanted to be your friend. I liked you a lot, but not romantically. I admired you; you got along with everyone, and I just wanted to be by your side forever. But I didn't want to hurt your feelings, so I said sure. But in reality, I wanted to say no. Why couldn't we have just stayed friends? But if I were to say that, I knew I'd lose you again. It was fun being by your side again, like how we were back then, but of course nothing lasts forever. I knew you liked me; I knew you had a crush on me again. I wanted things to stay platonic between us, but I guess not. I didn't want to get heartbroken again, so I broke your heart. By saying no when you confessed your love for me again. I still think about you, even when I see you out in public or with your friends. I always think of you. I wish that were me standing by you; I wish that were me you were having fun with. I wish we could have been just friends.

di naman siguro mali kung sa buong time na nag sama tayo ginusto ko lang naman na ako lang gusto mo diba?

Or am I just a dumbass? I let you use me, my body, my love, my care, my time, my money, my efforts, my trust. And that’s on me. I never used to like you, I never had an interest in you, never looked at you in that way, never wanted you, never nothing, I only seen you just a friend. Then you told me and then you asked me.. and then I had officially been labelled as a girlfriend. Which was weird, I didn’t like it, I didn’t like you, I didn’t understand why and I didn’t understand how. But I did it. I did it for one reason. For one thing that I couldn’t believe in.. love. I couldn’t believe that someone had actually liked me, that someone loved me, that someone cared about me, thought about me and wanted to be with me. I was shocked, excited, nervous and clueless. I had no clue what I was doing and I didn’t like it at all to begin with. But then once I got comfortable with being a gf I started treating you as a princess. Gifts - and multiple of them, money, dates, cards, paragraphs, photos, food, snacks, anything and everything to make you feel loved, but to also make myself feel that if I had given you all that you wanted you wouldn’t leave me. But little did I know in the long run that’s the worst thing to do. It’s now been a year and 2 months into this relationship and, I’ve been wanting to leave this situation for months, but I can’t bring myself to it. Tbh I sort of wished I never said yes in the first place. Or I wish that I would’ve waited a little longer to see what you would do within a relationship with me before I went ahead and said yes. Throughout this past year and couple of months I’ve come to realise a lot within love, and how love feels and what it’s like to feel stuck, unloved, and feel like you’re the only one trying. I’ve tried to tell you multiple, and multiple times what I care about, how you can love me and that I’m truly struggling so you know how urgent this situation is to fix the ‘problem’. But as well as that, I feel like I’m just used.. for literally anything if it’s for money or sexual desires I’m used. I feel no matter how hard I try your never satisfied or you expect more. Expects me to buy you things, beg me to please you, expect me to cook for you. But yet all I ask in return is a cuddle, a kiss, a shower tg but yet it’s always too much. I’ve always told you that it’s never about money, it’s never about big gifts or anything to do with that, but the little things are what matter most to me. Remembering small details about me, cuddling me out of nowhere, wanting to play/fight/shower/talk, bond, spend quality time tg. But instead I’m comforted with ‘ceebs’ or ‘I don’t want too’ or ‘yep..’ Or I’m laughed at or talked about with your friends, or little comments are made on my insecurities. The many things I’ve seen and heard you, my bf say, you’ve belittled me to make your friends laugh, you don’t stick up for my name if it’s used in convos. Which tbh I’ve gotten used to, I know how to look after myself, protect myself, stick up for myself, but I won’t marry a man who wouldn’t want too do that for me. We’re two completely different minds where you’re just fixated on the complete opposite of mine and I’m the complete opposite of yours. I’ve tried so hard to keep going, but since a while back I feel like I’m the only one holding up this relationship. And tbh I think my life would go pretty good without you, I mean I know it would be really hard for me, and ik you think I won’t with how much I complain, but this just shows you how many times I’ve mentioned this problem and it hasn’t been fixed I’ve been left with “I’m trying”, “just give me time”, etc. But how long do I have to wait? Will you actually try to love me, or will you just leave it again? Should I leave? Or am I just a dumbass?

How could you neglect your child like that? was sick. Depressed. Neglected. Scared. And all I ever wanted was a father. All because I wasn’t perfect enough for you. All because I wasn’t my sister. I can’t remember so much of my childhood. I wonder if I even have a good memory of you…all I can see is you in my face threatening me. My father, threatening me.

You’ve been my friend for most of my life yet you treated me as an afterthought. I did so much for you. I begged and fought to be seen by you and you never cared for me. I tried to get over it but you’re just a selfish person deep down..

its been past a week since you decided to put a break in our relationship, and i figured i would be seeing you less and less often. we barely speak as much as we did too, and i know its all my fault. the way i was only doing the bare minimum. how i took you for granted. but i know you didn’t want to do this, that you hold some love for me (the same love you had to hold back to make what we currently have now ‘work’) and despite it all, i respect that you wanted to choose yourself first. still, i love you, and i can never stop loving you. i’ll wait for you until you’re ready, and when i’m mentally prepared to have our future together. and if you do stop loving me and move on, i pray that you find someone who can love and accept you as much as i did.

Hi, baby. I miss you so much. I wish I could turn back time to fix my mistakes—to fix everything. I love you. I love you so much, lablab ko. I hope you're okay. I'm silently rooting for you, and I will always be your number one fan! Agi, I miss you so much. I still can't move on. I know two years have passed, but two years is nothing if waiting and yearning means you're coming back. I'm more than happy to spend my whole lifetime waiting for you. If an alternate universe is real, I hope there's a place for me and Shana there. I hope there's a train that arrives on time so Shana and I can have the best time of our lives. I love you—Shanalaire. I will live in Switzerland, for us. I will live in Switzerland, for us.

I wish I could really show you how much I love you, yet I am a nobody compared to her. I am so sorry that I don't have the talent to make it to you. You would never know anyways. But I hope you're happy with her.

Hi. I know you won't see this, or at least I hope. I don't want to look like a fool in front of you after all of this time. We broke up in early August, and to say my feelings have been mixed is an understatement. You were there for me when I cried, but at times you were the reason why I shed those tears. I laughed with you, we called for hours on end, and we shared vulnerable moments. I'm sorry. I know I was an asshole at the end of our relationship, and you didn't deserve that. You aren't a bad person, despite you constantly telling yourself that. I tried to help you when you vented to me; I wanted to get you help, desperately. But you didn't take my advice, and it was starting to drain me too. I loved you, Sam. I really, really did. But I just couldn't deal with it anymore. You deserve someone better, someone who can handle your feelings, vocalize and set proper boundaries. I am not that person, though I wish I was. We were supposed to get married and have kids together. Do you remember how happy we were? Just thinking about it makes my throat close and my heart clench. It might not look too serious to others, but this is to me. We were supposed to stay together until we grew old. What happiness once spread in my chest when hearing that has now blossomed into a feeling of sorrow and slow acceptance: that despite how desperately we wanted to be, we aren't made for each other. One day, you'll find a pretty girl that your mom will love, a girl that can treat you as if your negative emotions aren't some extra baggage and a girl that can please you whenever you want. I hope you end up going into Nuclear Physics. You always loved talking about it with me, and even got a little embarrassed when you mentioned that no one had ever listened to you as I did. I could listen to you talk for hours. I mourn the first few months of our relationship. It was so, so healthy compared to the first time we started dating. I didn't feel annoyed when talking to you, and could sit in comfortable silence with you for as long as I needed. It hurts to think that I can never have that back. I don't know what happened near the end. You started to do things that upset me, like finding that image of an AI girl on your phone that looked nothing like me. You have no idea what I felt. I remember when you ended up crying, and it left off with me comforting you over something you did. I felt so terrible about myself that I ended up having a panic attack with you on a call because of how strong the emotions I felt were. I don't blame you for how you reacted. I remember the silence from your end while I cried quietly to myself. I didn't need you to say anything; your mere presence brought me comfort. I don't know what happened to you, but you got too possessive, too obsessed. I thought you were my person, Sam. I really thought that. You told me you changed for hell's sake. I feel like such an idiot crying over you. I tried so, so hard to be perfect for you, while you always made mistakes. I don't know how I'll look you in the eye when school starts, Sam. We're paired together in the Music Council. I now dread one of the things we were so excited for. I hate change so much; it's a leech, and an ugly, disgusting leech that always clings to me. I don't know why people keep on leaving. You told me I didn't deserve it, and we promised to always stay together. Look at us now. Cut contact and exes.