The first guy I’ve ever truly liked. We’re in our last year of college now, and likely will never see each other again afterwards due to distance. Our time together has been short. Although we were classmates before college, we never really spoke, a regret that weighs heavy on my heart. I wish I had longer to talk to you. I really admire you; your hobbies, the way you use your hands to express yourself whilst talking, the way you try your hardest, your dreams and passions, your slightly wonky nose, your smile, your laugh even when you don’t find something funny, your kindness, humour, your awkwardness, our similar music, your acting and singing on stage. Everything. I want to know more about you, I feel like I’ve just grazed your surface. I wish I made the most of the time I had with you before, but I didn’t recognise my feelings until it was too late. I now have to try and make the most of these last few bittersweet months. Though the added pressure of it being our last year brings stress. And when Im stressed I become the worst of myself. You’ve seen me anxious, overthinking, rambling, quiet, angry. You’ve almost seen me all. You’ve seen me embarrassed and insecure. To which our interactions just turned out awkward because of my own lack of self esteem. But that isn’t me as a whole. Im rambling now, and I don’t even know if you think of me the same way I think of you. Im not the prettiest, the skinniest, or the best. You’re a deeply admirable person, both looks and personality- the complete opposite of me. You may think of yourself differently but you’re just being humble. I deeply respect you. Last year we spoke when we had class, I hated the way I portrayed myself. When I overthink, I ramble, i get embarrassed, anxious, and the cycle repeats itself. You were giving me mixed signals, which I know for my own sake that I should take as a no, but I can’t stop thinking about you. Sometimes I also think you like her, which I can understand as she is so lovely, but I could never be her. Cliche, sorry. But it’s true. Why pick me when you could have her? Why ruin your chances with her when you can practice your conversations with me and then use it with her? I wish you didn’t do that. But then you used to do the same to me- were you playing it safe? Seeing if it would work to then use on her? I’ve tried to stop thinking about you but I just can’t. In my last year of college I have priorities, and for some reason, you’ve always been and are first. Im kicking myself over the fact I spent most of my summer checking your socials instead of focusing on myself. I couldn’t help it- I missed you, as cringe as that sounds. Your future is bright, and one day you will look back at these days and realise how pitiful of a classmate i was. Im going to change, but this version of me will be remembered by you- not the newer version. Maybe that’s the beauty of it. I give so much of myself to you. I know it’s unfair to expect reciprocity, and there’s also a difference between your intention and capability. You’re an awkward guy, i get it, but if you really do like me give me a sign. Don’t just stare at me. Show interest, talk to me, give me what I give you. I know I sound selfish, but I just wish he felt the same. I say this knowing damn well I wouldn’t want a relationship, especially because it’s the last year there’s no point and because of the distance etc. but for the last year, can we not feel something? If not together? It doesn’t have to be serious- it can be fun? I sound desperate, but I really am. Maybe it’s the PMS😭 I know that our moments are fleeting, and I know that I need to make the most of my time left here. Authentically. I just wish you had more confidence to talk to me. It’s confusing. I want to be able to look back at my time here and think about good memories- they don’t have to be big. I want to remember the first guy I liked, although I may laugh at my current self in the future. That’s in the future though, right now in the present i don’t care what I feel or act- I just know that time goes by quickly. And if I don’t make the most of it I’ll regret it. I know you won’t see this, so this is my confession: I like you, very much so.