First love

I imagine you being as gentle with someone else as you were with me, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I've never met someone so patient, so giving, so understanding, and I'm scared that I won't meet someone else with even half as beautiful a soul as yours ever again. It feels strange to grieve someone who is still alive. Someone I never really even had, but pretended I did. I'm sorry I've hurt you. I'm sorry it's religion that came between us before we could even give it a try, before I could let you love me the way you silently promised you would, before I could repay you threefold for all the ways you've built me up. You've been a lighthouse in every storm, constant and grounded, and I don't know what I've done to even deserve knowing you, but what I do know is that I've put you through more than you deserve by being in your life. I'm grateful you're in my life, but I apologise for intruding on yours. Sometimes I imagine an alternate universe, where our fates were kinder, and you spend every third day at my house hanging out with my younger siblings who love you, and my brother finally has an older brother figure to look up to. Or maybe, on other days, I take your dog on walks with you, fingers intertwined like they used to be. Your hands always ran warm. We walk home along the shore near your house, and I have comfortable chats with your sister and your parents, and I tell them how well you treat me, as I know you would. You always do. You always have. Whoever gets to hold you will be the luckiest girl in the world. You're so easy to talk to. So calming and careful and sincere. So honest, so smart in the way you saw through every part of me that I doubted. I selfishly thought no one would ever know you or love you the way that I do, but you're so perfect that I think it's impossible not to. I wish things were different. I wish this tightness in my chest was from a nightmare, not reality. I wish you would tell me I'm pretty without being worried that you'll make it worse, make us fall further apart than we already are. I wish I could hold your face in my hands and kiss your nose, or rest my cheek on your shoulder again, or hug you again. Just one more time. And I want to stay friends. I want you in my life. But right now, the thought of having to see you as someone other than the only man in the world who understands me makes me cry. I've cried every day for weeks. The headache doesn't go away. I've made so many mistakes in my life, but the biggest one is being someone you fell in love with. You told me nothing is my fault, that I've done nothing, that you could never hate me, that I'm not a bad person. But I can't bring myself to believe you. It was my religion, my beliefs that fell between us. And, despite knowing how it would play out, I let myself pretend that I was right for you and you were right for me. And I hurt you because of it. You've grown into every part of my life, and I don't know how to live without seeing you everywhere. I miss you so so so so much. Even though we still talk in spite of both our aching hearts. I love you, and I'll always love you in some small part in my chest, with the innocence of a child being carried to bed after falling asleep on the couch, and with the depth of two sort-of-adults who feel everything in its fullest. I started writing this hoping you'd never see it, but some part of me hopes you will, and see all the things I'm too scared to say out loud. You deserve the world. You deserve everything. And I'm sure you'll get all of that and more, but it won't be from me. I'm sorry it can't be from me. I'm always here for you. Stay strong. -D

easy to love. ————————————— Hello, my old lover. I hope you’ll never read this letter ‘cause I know it might make you cry. Hello, wasted lover I wrote it down, so I’d feel better. But it’ll kill you if you find it. I don’t know if I’ll ever let you read this. Maybe this letter is only meant for me. Maybe it’s just my way of putting down everything I’ve been carrying instead of letting it keep circling in my head. It’s funny how life changes. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine a day without talking to you. Then there was a time when I knew I had to block you because if I didn’t, neither of us would ever really move on. At the time, it felt impossible, but looking back, I think we both needed that distance. Time has a strange way of changing feelings. I don’t want to be your girlfriend again. I don’t spend my days wishing we could go back. I think we’ve both become different people, and that’s okay. But if I’m being honest with myself, I do miss my best friend. I miss the version of us that could laugh over nothing, stay on the phone for hours, and somehow make ordinary days feel a little less ordinary. I miss knowing I could tell you anything without thinking twice. I know we weren’t perfect. We both made mistakes, and we both hurt each other in different ways. There are things that happened that I still don’t understand, and there are things I had to accept even when I didn’t want to. But somehow, even after everything, I don’t hate you. I think that’s what surprises me the most. I just hope you’re okay. Sometimes I hear a song, remember a joke, or think about a random memory, and for a second I’m reminded that you were a huge part of my life. Those memories don’t disappear just because time moves forward. People always say your first love teaches you something. You taught me that love can be beautiful, confusing, comforting, frustrating, and unforgettable all at once. You taught me what it felt like to care about someone deeply, and you also taught me that sometimes loving someone doesn’t mean you’re meant to stay together forever. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re surrounded by people who make you laugh. I hope you’re becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be. And maybe one day, years from now, we’ll run into each other and smile because we’ll remember that once upon a time, we were such a big part of each other’s lives. Maybe we’ll never be friends again. Maybe we will. Either way, I’m thankful for the chapter we shared. You’ll always be a part of my story, even if you’re no longer part of my future. Goodbye, my favorite ex. — LB

Mira I have been thinking about us for a long time, and I don’t want to keep this in my heart anymore. We have been through so much together. We’ve laughed, we’ve argued, we’ve stopped talking, and somehow we’ve always found our way back. Through everything, one thing never changed for me…..I cared about u, and somewhere along the way, I realized that I love you so much. U are not just my best friend. You’re someone I genuinely don’t want to lose. The thought of watching someone else have the chance to love u while I stay silent doesn’t feel right, because I’d always wonder, “What if I had told her how I felt?” So today, I’m choosing to be honest. I love you. Not just as my best friend, but as someone I want to build something beautiful with. I want to be there for u, support you, make u smile, and create more memories together. I’m not trying to pressure you. If you don’t feel the same way, I’ll respect ur decision completely. Our friendship has always meant the world to me. But if there’s a chance u feel something too, I willlove to ask you this: Will you be my girlfriend?

Hey gig, Do you know what it’s like to yearn, to really fucking yearn, to want, to want with your entire being? Well I do. I do because one time at fair a girl with long black hair screamed the lyrics to Angel from Montgomery at me. I do because another time that girl said “you have shitty ass axe form.” I do because of how a warm hand felt in mine. I do because of a girl jumping off a rope swing. I do because of summer. I do because of Olivia Rodrigo t shirts. I do because of you. See you in three days I guess

i never really expected our relationship to turn out like this but i’m glad it did, u genuinely make my day better and u make me want to be better, i lowkey stopped my bad habits because of u and i’ll forever thank u for that. i see ur reposts sometimes and i dont wanna be feeling but i’m sorry if i were to be the one to make u feel like that; i genuinely do care for u regardless what happens, ill always feel something for u . thank u for being the one to love me, and i love you too , tapos stop overthinking na oki thats all im kinda cringe but i cant find the words to depict how i feel for you

hi, I miss you. I didn’t think losing you would be this hard. I took our relationship for granted. I hope you’re doing well. I know you said to please bother you but I can’t help but think it’s only making things worse for you. Come back to me lunch line.

Good morninggg, baby! Always know that u have me & I always got ur back. What happened to u yesterday really worried me so bad, fr. And I never want to see u go through that again. So pls take good care of urself—for u & for me. Don't make me worry 'coz my heart can't take that happening again. Luvvv u so muchooo... 🩷

hi besprend, hope you know how hard for me not to ruin the friendship, but fuckkkk!! I really like you and i cant stop myself, kev:( I want to talk to you. always. Pero hindi pwede eh, feel ko kase ayaw mo. I understand naman kase you still love your ex. Mahal na mahal mo siya eh. I yearn for you while you yearn for someone else, and it hurts me alot. I hate it how i love you. I like you since 2024, i regret how i reject and chose someone else than you. I should've chose you and not that asshole. I'll regret it my whole life.

Winter greeted us first. January twenty-fifth. A day like any other— cold skies, quiet streets, the sort of day that slips unnoticed into yesterday. Until your request appeared, and somehow an ordinary afternoon became the beginning of everything. I remember wondering how someone with such bright eyes, an infectious laugh, and seeing monkeys frame her radiant smile could ever be interested in me. Then, almost before I understood what was happening, you joked that if you ever came to Spain, "I'd have to teach you how to cook". I don't think you'll ever know how quickly you made me blush. Spring arrived before the seasons ever changed. Late-night conversations became our sunsets, goodnight messages became our stars, and every notification carried the hope that it might be you. I'd count the hours through school, through training and dance lessons, through ordinary days and naps, just to hear your voice again. I'd never known excitement could feel so much like home. Then came summer. Love grew deeper, but so did the storms. We both carried battles the other couldn't always see. We wanted to heal each other, yet sometimes we only knew how to hold on tighter, accidentally pushing each other further away. Back then, I thought loving someone meant never letting go. Now I know sometimes love also means learning, growing, and finding a gentler way back. When we drifted apart, I tried convincing myself that we'd simply been a first love, a beautiful story that wasn't meant to last. It was easier to believe that than admit how much I missed you. Until I heard your voice again. In a single moment, every feeling I thought I'd buried returned like spring after the longest winter. Slowly, naturally, we found each other again. No rushing. No pretending. Just two people choosing to learn one another once more. Autumn has always been my favourite season. Not because the leaves fall, but because they remind me that change doesn't have to mean endings. Some things become more beautiful because they survive them. I'd replay your voice messages on the days the world felt heavy. You became warmth after rain, the first sunrise breaking through a storm, the quiet comfort of the moon when everything else had fallen silent. You inspire me to become someone better than I was yesterday. You remind me to keep moving forward when standing still feels easier. You make ordinary days extraordinary without ever trying. You're strong You're kind I know it's not always been easy, but I'm so proud of you Mi hogar siempre ha sido donde estás tú. The future is still uncertain. None of us can promise what tomorrow holds. But if these seasons have taught me anything, it's that love isn't measured by perfect days or cloudless skies. It's measured by choosing each other, again and again, through every season we are given. Some people spend a lifetime searching for a love that feels like home. Others never quite find it. I only know one thing for certain. Feliz cumpleaños, mi amor. You'll always be my forever fall.

There's so much I want to say but I just don't know how to say it, I dont want to just make this me saying I'm sorry over and over again but I feel like that what it's gonna end up being.. the biggest regret I have is not ever making clear enough how I truly felt and not staying for when it got too hard, I should've done so much more to prove I loved you, I should've done more to fight for the relationship and just tell you regardless of how much I was going through that I never wanted to shut you out, I just got scared and didn't want to hurt you anymore than I thought I did, only that inevitably just ended up having the complete opposite affect.. I left everytime because I couldn't handle being your friend loving you the way I did.. I tried so hard to suppress and essentially kill the emotions I had for you to be there for you, but when you wanted me to help you with your current relationship.. it destroyed me, I never wanted to ever be in the position where I was anything other than yours, it hurt so badly to know I couldn't love you the way I truly wanted to and I felt selfish knowing my own love for you was in the way of being there for you, I never truly felt like I was able to be there for you the way I was before and now I'm left so lost knowing I can't love you or help you, but the feelings have always stayed, they never faded, I still wake up wanting to text you good morning and that I love you, I still want to spend my life with you regardless of everything, but I know things are far too gone to ever expect any kind of future together, and I'm sorry. I don't know what to do to move on, I don't feel attraction to women like I do with you, I don't feel the love or the spark we had, when I saw you for the first time, something in me felt like you were the one for me, and now I'm stuck trying to reassemble the pieces to a puzzle that simply can't be completed. I'm so scared Vanessa..I'm so alone and terrified I'm losing myself in the grief.. I used to be a sweet person..I just don't care anymore..this love is killing my soul..I don't know how to live without loving you..I don't want to live in a reality where I have to "love" someone else. I tried and it just doesn't work, I gave it so much time and it just never feels right. It just feels like I've been in the wrong timeline since we broke up..I need help so badly..I beg the universe everyday to just make it make sense. Regardless of anything I will always love you, you have always be my first and only love, I may be a goldfish but our love will stick with me forever regardless if I want it or not, and I refuse to "love" someone else when I don't, even if that means being single until death, I can at least know I at one point felt true love, and that almost makes it okay..It just kills me to know I can't love you the way I truly want to. I want to say I love you so badly and for you to know I really mean it, I want to hug and kiss you and never let go, I wish I wasn't just so young and stupid and maybe I could've seen it all more clearly.. I went on a trip and took some acid and it's reopened everything Ive been suppressing for years..a part of it's made me remember how much I miss human contact..a big part of it made me remember how much i loved yours.. I tried dating after you.. it just didn't work..I never felt even a slight amount of love towards them..and that only made me feel worse..so I'm just gonna stick to myself until hopefully maybe one day I'll be ready to love again..you told me I was your first love.. you will always be my first and only love, I love you so much Vanessa, I really truly do..

Ahhahahhahahhaha Hahahaha Hahahja

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I love you 85811110

Hi test 85811110

I miss you. You were like no one else. There will be others, but none like you.

thank you for one of the most wonderful and exciting weeks of my life. thank you for giving me such a refreshing experience in times of stress for me, and thank you for teaching me more about what i value in a person. thank you for being part of a happier version of myself than i previously was. i really wish i had talked to you earlier, talked to you for longer, had more conversations and moments together. i wish we had more of what we had yesterday. i wish you’d known how much i liked being next to you and how much i admired your volleyball and how much i wanted you to notice me. i hope you know that because of you, i was motivated to play better. we’ll go our seperate ways, and maybe never see each other ever again. in another life where you wouldnt be so far away and we wouldn't have completely different native languages, things couldve been different; but, in this one, its impossible to be more than just a brief summer connection. thank you for giving me confidence and thank you for giving me something to look forward to. one day you’ll graduate university, have teammates and friends ive never met, and stories id never know; probably even a special someone of your own(how could you not, when you look like that?). And it's strange and scary to think that someone who feels so vivid to me right now will become a complete stranger again. its bittersweet, sorrowful almost. im going to be honest; one of my biggest regrets isn't that I never told you I liked you(even though theres a bit of that one too); It's that I spent so much of our time together convincing myself I couldn't talk to you, only to realize on the last day that I could. in short, i wish we had more time. time was all i thought i had until i lost it; i didn't realize i was counting down our last days together until there were no days left to count. when i first arrived, the days had felt endless, but looking back, it seems like they passed in the blink of an eye. watching you play made me want to improve; it still does. It wasn't just because I liked you; I genuinely loved watching someone care so much about getting better. you make me not only want to like and admire you; you made me want to compete with you as well. Every compliment from you meant more than it should have. Every time you noticed a good pass or a good receive or sometimes even a good hit, I carried it with me for the rest of the day. i so desperately wanted you to think i was good, so i tried harder every day. theres so many questions i never got to ask you and i wish i did. Id never tell you these things, but i was always looking for you; id always hope that i was on the same team as you; i was always hoping you'd serve at me if you were on the other team. i kept finding myself more and more drawn to you, your face, your skill, your personality. thank you for mattering so much, and im so so so so grateful for you. its so painful for me right now because i never got solid evidence of your feelings for me. that’s partly on me for not even asking, but your actions only tell me a “maybe”. and that hurts, so much. were your compliments and support a personality thing, or were you actually interested? did you tease me because you just were comfortable enough w me like you were with everyone else, or was it because you wanted that spark? did we mean something to you, as much as we meant to me? ill never forget you; or maybe i will. but i hope, i so sincerely hope, i never forget you. so, don't forget me either. never stop trying, and i hope your life goes smoothly. i was never in love with you; not even close, i hadnt known you long enough; i was in love with the possibility of spending more time with you and what we couldve become. i was in love with how terrifyingly, irrevocably alive i felt with you. I think what hurts most is that I finally started talking to you right before I had to leave. i wasn’t - still am not - ready to let you go. thank you for adding such a beautiful chapter to my book.

Dearrrr Ricchhiiiieeee💞, HAPPIIESSTTTT BIRTHDAYYYY CUTUTUTUTUUU PATOOOOTUTUUTUUUUU I LOVIIIEEEE YOUIIIEEEE SOOO MUCHHHIIIEEEEEE MWAHHH MWAHHH MWAHHHHHH💞💞💞💋💋 SOOO I MISS YOUUU AA LOTTT PLEASEEEE MILL LOOO NAA EKK BAARR ORRR PLISSSS👉🏻👈🏻💞🥺💋🌷

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I wish you wanted me as much as I’ve wanted you

Happiest Birthday, Sayangku 🤍🤍. May you live long, always be healthy, and may Allah always bless you. Its me, Vanessa Clara Angeline will always love you. I loveyou more than anything sayangku, I LOVEE YOUU SO MUCHHH <33