oh teddy, i don't even know how to start this. you were my everything. you still are, you're still my baby and the only one i want in my future, the only one i want forever. every song reminds me of you, of your beautiful voice, you're my angel, my siren. you saved my life, i thought about giving up before you but you brightened every day, you are my sun and all my stars, i'm your moon trying to reflect your brightness back to you. even though we've been driven apart now, even though it feels like the whole world is in our way, i hope our paths intertwine again, that we eclipse someday. i'll still dream of our pretty house, our children, our cats. everything you've ever done for me, every word you've ever said, has filled my heart with so much joy. you completed me, you filled what was missing in me, and i'll always love that about you. you made me smile and laugh when i cried, you made me cry from joy and how much i loved you, and i still do. teddy, if you decide to come back, whenever it is, i'm waiting with open arms. i'm so sorry i can't say this to you directly, i just don't want to hurt you or make you feel guilty while you're taking time for yourself. of course i want to know how you are, how you feel, i want to do things for you and love you and bask in the glow of your presence. but because i can't right now, because i'm giving you the space you need, i'm putting it here. i hope you see this one day and read it and see what you mean to me. i hope you read back my letter from our 6 months. i hope you still love your sock monkey and t-shirts and hoodie and leather bracelet. i hope you don't have to push me out of your life completely and forever, because i can't do that with you. i still smell your aftershave, wear your shirts. do you remember when i missed you when you went away and i cuddled your sweatshirt on my pillow every night? it's the only thing that's been helping me sleep knowing you're not mine right now. i hope that you do still love me. i hope i wasn't just sex. i hope one day, as soon as possible, you come back and confide in me and let me help you. until you do that, i'll keep trying to cope. i'll keep writing anonymous messages online, pining after you every waking hour, and dreaming of us every time i go to sleep. please remember the times we were happy, i beg you. don't remember me with the malice you carried that i didn't know about. i'm so sorry i pushed you away, made you feel like you had to isolate yourself from me. you really didn't, and you don't, but i respect that that's what you want. just don't forget me completely, don't forget the love in my eyes or the feeling of my kisses or the softness of my words when describing you. i won't forget that about you, ted. i won't forget how much you made me laugh, my sweet love. i know i'm rambling and repeating myself, but it's such a fresh wound. it's so hard, but i need to give you what you want. i just need you to know i'm always here for you. i always want to know how you are, hear your problems. whatever you need, my baby, i'm here. don't be afraid of who i used to be, i'm changing for you. i know i've shrunken away, i've hidden, but i promise you i'm ready whenever you need me. i love you so, so much. i love your soft hair, your beautiful blue eyes, your bright smile, your strong arms, your warm body. i love the way you smell and how you held me like i'd break without you and your singing will forever haunt me, the ghost of your love whispering in my ears along with every song. you're still my hero, teddy, you always will be. i'll always love you, everlong.