So often my heart hurts. Too often I wish I could tell you I’m fine. Too often I wish i didn’t feel the way I do. But I can no longer pretend. I’ve been dying from my own mind, succumbing to my trauma. I’ve never been ok since we first met back on May 2013. You were the only hope I had left in life. You saved me that day by the fountain but i would never tell you. I’d rather you believe I am strong. Believe that I can handle my life. But I can’t. I can’t pretend to be happy with my life. Can’t pretend that I don’t believe you when you say I’m your friend. A friendship where I’m constantly isolated from you yet everyone always with you and are closer than I’ll ever be with you. The truth of the matter is I constantly feel you only pretend that I’m your friend because i don’t leave your side. I’ve been here through your good and through your bad but yet you’re never there when I need you. Never there while I’m silently being swallowed up next to you. Despite all that. Despite my dad constantly raping me, despite getting multiple abortions, despite dating men to have a place to live even though they constantly drive me to suicide because they don’t actually love me, despite the fact that every little time you got angry at me or had one of your characters break up with me that led me to attempting to drink bleach. I can’t kill myself. Can’t let you be hurt because you didn’t do something to save me. Didn’t notice my pain and the feeling of isolation that would snap and crumble the moment you let me go as a friend. I could never hate you. I’m incapable of hating you. For you are the only thing keeping me alive. You have always been my rock and the reason I live. Even the years we never talked i stayed in hopes of you reaching out. So I’ll keep living an unhappy life, a stable toxic life, a life where I can still see you live and be happy. I’ll stay living and breaking my body for a stable life that isn’t on the streets. I know it isn’t healthy to put my happiness and hope all on you but I honestly don’t have anything else to look forward to. I should have died when I was born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck and a hole in my right lung, i should have died at 10 when my mom fed herself and me sleeping pills and hit my head with a fireplace log. I should have died at 11 when my dad took all the pills in the medicine cabinet. I should have died at 16 when the first boyfriend to get me pregnant shot me and the friend I kept my son at so my father wouldn’t find out and kill me. I should have died the 5 pregnancies from my dad that he wouldn’t let me go to a hospital to have that resulted them to be stillbirths. I should have died when I was ready to give up my life unable to bare being a sex doll to my dad anymore. But I never did. Life kept pushing me unhappily forward and while I keep finding brief moments of happiness it’s constantly taken away. Taken by friends leaving me, taken by men tired of my used up body. Taken by fake friends who talk behind my back. I know you’ll never discover this unless i ever show you and I hope you never do find this. I wish Jewel could just be make believe. I wish I could just separate the character of you guys from real life but I can’t. This is all real to me. The feeling of isolation from Fenrir and Ivarr, the hatred from Nate and him calling me a whore who should die, the unfriending of my character. but i can’t this is all my reality because it’s Jewel’s reality. I’m sorry as I let the blood flow down my arms again just like I had after azure left Jewel, again as Fenrir scolded for the hair dye when I did it to my own hair in real life, and finally again now seeing Nate unfriended Jewel and Sapphire from where winds meet. If I still survive this yet again it’ll just be one more unhappy day watching you have the best life. If I don’t make it finally I’ll be happy to be free of my earthly body and watch you from the afterlife to make sure you never know pain again