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antes eu não tinha certeza do que eu sentia por você, sei que o nosso passado é meio vergonhoso e que você não gostava de mim no passado, mas mais umavez nós nos encontramos, mais maduros e bem mais diferentes. Sei que foi coisa de Deus nós nos encontrarmos, pois frequentamos a mesma escola denovo, na mesma academia e por pouco quase moramos do lado um do outro. Sei que começo desse ano eu te magoei e também me lembro de quando você me rejeitou mas agora isso é passado, quando tô com você, eu posso falar de qualquer coisa, posso ser quem eu sou, eu dou risada, conversamos sobre tudo mas ainda sim ainda tenho vergonha de olhar nos seus olhos, de olhar pra você, abraçar você, porque sinceramente é muito difícil de acreditar que nós nos encontramos e nos amamos, eu quero que isso dure, quero ficar perto de você todos os dias. Gosto de como você é atencioso, de como cuida de mim, gosto do seu cabelo e dos seus olhos e de como me protege, gosto de como você sabe tudo sobre mim, gosto de como você é compreensivo e de como e um ótimo filho, um ótimo amigo e um ótimo pretendente pra mim. Gosto de estar com você e trocar cada palavra com você, gosto de como é fiel e de como eu posso confiar em você, gosto de como você me faz querer melhorar todos os dias e por fim mas não menos importante eu gosto de você. Você me completa, nossas personalidades são meio opostas mas somos tão parecidos em tudo. Eu não quero que isso acabe, eu nunca pensei que falaria isso mas eu te amo mesmo, eu não queria me apegar. Eu sei que você já teve um relacionamento passado mas porfavor não se lembre mais dela e nem se apaixone por outra pessoa, porfavor olha pra mim e investe em mim, se você não sabe, eu sempre gostei de você mesmo quando fui rejeitada, você foi meu PRIMEIRO AMOR, então porfavor, deixe eu ser pelo menos o seu primeiro AMOR. Eu nunca vou desistir de você, porfavor não muda de opinião e que continue gostando de mim, por que arthur, eu te amo muito e espero que fiquemos juntos até o final de nossas vidas. Que nossos pais aprovem o nosso namoro e depois o casamento, que façamos tudo certo, que nos casemos em uma igreja evangelica bem bonita e que tenhamos 4 filhos, 2 meninos e 2 meninas e um cachorro. E que você possa ser advogado e eu uma médica, que moremos numa casa grande bem bonita e moderna, que nós façamos várias viagens e que nossos pais sejam amigos e os melhores sogros e sogras possíveis. Que nós vivamos uma vida com Deus constante r que sejamos muito felizes e fiéis um ao outro e à Deus, e que nós possamos viver ao lado um do outro até o final das nossas vidas, eu te amo muito mesmo.

Dear, Paul. I still miss you sometimes. Especially when the room is cold, and our bed is empty. I know you wanted it to work out. I found the letters, the ones you stored away in the attic. I still love you. I still have dreams of us getting married, settling down and moving to the countryside. Having children, our children having grandchildren. I want you back beside me. And yet I don't think we'll be able to be together. You are my soulmate, Paul. Forever. Even if the stars forbid it, I will always love you. Always and forever. You and Me. You know where to find me don't you? I love you, forever - J

maybe if i wrote your name like this then it'd take a while for you to find this (if you ever do). i find comfort in knowing there's always a small chance of this making its way into your (metaphorical) doorstep, but it'd be a long while before it does. with that in mind, i'll be specific so you'll know its you i'm talking about. as of writing, you're an aspiring English teacher at eduk, but you want to teach in taguig or some place where teachers are paid closer to their worth. you're a past vice president of tabletop and now one of our pub mascots. you see turtles as your brand even though you've never had one. you love teaching others how to teach games even if saying the same bit drives you insane. you're nosy and you love meddling. you're mean at times but not really. you care about people even when they disappoint you. there's more about you than i can ever say here but i've already said enough for you to know it's actually you i'm talking about. im writing this because i don't know how to talk to people well. i don't know where else i can say that i want us to be friends so badly but ive never known how friends work. if i knew, i would've just talked to you and i would've known what to do instead of writing here. you've been approaching me and like a starved dog i hound at the small crumbs you're willing to offer, to the point that i thought i liked you romantically. maybe i did start off infatuated because of the attention, but i realize that that's exactly my problem. i'm not actually romantically attracted to you, i just can't differentiate my desire to have friends with romantic attraction. im not one for friends, you see. i just never learned how. all my life ive treated my relationships as transactional that i don't know how friends work. i dont know if it started from my emotionally constipated family or am i just fucked up. i wish i knew how friendship works. i badly wish that i do. so see, that's why im writing this. i can't dump this all on you when you already keep people at an arms length. i want to be part of your circle so bad and you talking to me like we're friends is giving me hope and it scares me. i want so badly to ask 'are we friends?' but i know ill never get a serious answer and ill scare you off. i know friendship doesn't happen just because you asked for it. at least, not when you're in college already. and i don't want to fuck this up. not you, and not chesca. i keep walking on eggshells because im scared that im assuming things again. ive done it in the past multiple times, and it hurt to know that people never saw me as their friend even though i thought we were close. watching people leave is also hard. im grateful for all your kind words. every time you approach me i get tempted to lean into your space and feel your warmth. i sound like a creep. im disgusted by how touch-starved i am and how i miss having tactile 'friends' (i dont see them anymore). one time you told me you'll bring flowers to my final theatre show even though i said i will probably act badly. nobody has ever said that to me. nobody. (i crave flowers like i crave life.) you said it so off-handedly that i knew you were just the type of person to do that. except you don't know how your words rocked my world so much that all i can do is say yes. yes, i'll invite you. i know its highly likely that you won't be there and there won't be flowers, but you saying that was enough for me. the idea that you thought i was deserving of flowers even though you didn't know me well yet was such a kindness that i just don't know what to do with. that's why im writing this. i wish you won't get sick of me. i wish we had time. i wish i have more time with you and chesca that i can finally make friends 'for life' before i graduate. i wish you can consider me as one of 'that type of friend' you can drag to a concert spontaneously and not just a workmate or your last option when there's nobody else to talk to. i wish you'd think of me when arranging a dinner with friends. i wish we could eat meals together. i wish you won't get tired of my 'lack of whimsy.' it's not that i lacked whimsy. it's just that i forget how to share it with other people without thinking of whether they'd like what i had to give. my whimsy has always been just me (and my partner, occasionally). i wish someday i get to be part of yours. - not a leo

I still miss you after all these years. B

Knp ga ngomong. Knp ga chat langsung knp kasih kode hah apa nunggu aku gilaa buat terjemahin semua kode darimu hah. Setiap aku dengar suaramu di saat itu juga aku gagal buat lupain kamu. Klau emng ga suka sama aku tolong toleransinya pelanin suara mu dan usahain jgn muncul di depan aku. Aku capeek keluar pagi pulang malam dari rumah buat berusaha ga ingat kamu. Tolong kalau emng ga suka aku gpp tpi jgn benci aku dengan cara mu itu yg berisik itu

Knp ga ngomong. Knp ga chat langsung knp kasih kode hah apa nunggu aku gilaa buat terjemahin semua kode darimu hah. Setiap aku dengar suaramu di saat itu juga aku gagal buat lupain kamu. Klau emng ga suka sama aku tolong toleransinya pelanin suara mu dan usahain jgn muncul di depan aku. Aku capeek keluar pagi pulang malam dari rumah buat berusaha ga ingat kamu. Tolong kalau emng ga suka aku gpp tpi jgn benci aku dengan cara mu itu yg berisik itu. Jgn buat aku gilaaa

Ngomong atau chat lngsng jgn pakai kode bngsad. Apa nunggu aku gila buat terjemahin kode darimu. Ku chat pun kau ga ada ampun kau blok semua akun wa ku lebih dari satu. Mau mu apa hahh tiap hari suaramu ku dengar apa km ga tau saat aku berjuang buat lupaiinn kmu di saat itu suara mu muncul udh 1 bulan aku berjuang dan hampir berhasil buat lupa. Sampe sekarang semuanya di ulng dari awal lagi. Mau mu apa kalau jelas kamu ga suka sama aku tolong toleransinya. kalau aku ada di sekitar mu tolong jgn muncul dulu tolong pelanin suaramu hargain aku yg mencoba buat lupaa

I'm so sorry for being such a bad "friend". We could've been more. I'm sorry that I didn't try enough. I miss you, but it's too late to go back to what we used to be. I hope you have a good life.

i hate the fact that i dont hate you. i hate that ur the only one that understands me. i hate this. i hate me. i hate how i couldnt save us. you thought i could save us and im so fucking sorry. its all my fault. i wanted to, i was trying. but i couldnt. so fucking caught up in my feelings its all my fault. come back to me sweet girl. please. i miss saying i love you to you. you were the most important person in my life. i genuinely wanna end my shit i feel so horrible. everytime i think of you i want to throw up, not from disgust, from how much i miss you. its so fucking insane. what do you mean i still love you. i should hate you, really. you should hate me. maybe itd be better off that way..or not. i never want to lose something so precious. i hate this so fucking much. i hate remembering every single memory we have made together. i miss everything. maybe i should try and push those thoughts down. i try actually. but it doesnt work? they always come up. ur the first thing on my mind, its horrible. im horrible. i love you even tho i shouldnt. i wish i loved you less. i wish you cared…you do. im sorry baby. my sweet baby. i miss you so much. i miss saying these things. maybe i should let stuff like this out more often. its not really helping tho. i feel so shitty. kill me omfg. i really hate the fact ur the only one i have. i hate it. i wish we could go back. i want to go back. take me back baby. please. id do anything. id fix myself up for you. id be normal. id video call u like u have always wanted. i shouldve done it. omg its all my fault, sweet girl im so sorry. idk why i still text you (lie). tf no ones gonna see this. i wish we were back together. it was too much pressure on you to love me i know. sorry. its all my fault.

The first guy I’ve ever truly liked. We’re in our last year of college now, and likely will never see each other again afterwards due to distance. Our time together has been short. Although we were classmates before college, we never really spoke, a regret that weighs heavy on my heart. I wish I had longer to talk to you. I really admire you; your hobbies, the way you use your hands to express yourself whilst talking, the way you try your hardest, your dreams and passions, your slightly wonky nose, your smile, your laugh even when you don’t find something funny, your kindness, humour, your awkwardness, our similar music, your acting and singing on stage. Everything. I want to know more about you, I feel like I’ve just grazed your surface. I wish I made the most of the time I had with you before, but I didn’t recognise my feelings until it was too late. I now have to try and make the most of these last few bittersweet months. Though the added pressure of it being our last year brings stress. And when Im stressed I become the worst of myself. You’ve seen me anxious, overthinking, rambling, quiet, angry. You’ve almost seen me all. You’ve seen me embarrassed and insecure. To which our interactions just turned out awkward because of my own lack of self esteem. But that isn’t me as a whole. Im rambling now, and I don’t even know if you think of me the same way I think of you. Im not the prettiest, the skinniest, or the best. You’re a deeply admirable person, both looks and personality- the complete opposite of me. You may think of yourself differently but you’re just being humble. I deeply respect you. Last year we spoke when we had class, I hated the way I portrayed myself. When I overthink, I ramble, i get embarrassed, anxious, and the cycle repeats itself. You were giving me mixed signals, which I know for my own sake that I should take as a no, but I can’t stop thinking about you. Sometimes I also think you like her, which I can understand as she is so lovely, but I could never be her. Cliche, sorry. But it’s true. Why pick me when you could have her? Why ruin your chances with her when you can practice your conversations with me and then use it with her? I wish you didn’t do that. But then you used to do the same to me- were you playing it safe? Seeing if it would work to then use on her? I’ve tried to stop thinking about you but I just can’t. In my last year of college I have priorities, and for some reason, you’ve always been and are first. Im kicking myself over the fact I spent most of my summer checking your socials instead of focusing on myself. I couldn’t help it- I missed you, as cringe as that sounds. Your future is bright, and one day you will look back at these days and realise how pitiful of a classmate i was. Im going to change, but this version of me will be remembered by you- not the newer version. Maybe that’s the beauty of it. I give so much of myself to you. I know it’s unfair to expect reciprocity, and there’s also a difference between your intention and capability. You’re an awkward guy, i get it, but if you really do like me give me a sign. Don’t just stare at me. Show interest, talk to me, give me what I give you. I know I sound selfish, but I just wish he felt the same. I say this knowing damn well I wouldn’t want a relationship, especially because it’s the last year there’s no point and because of the distance etc. but for the last year, can we not feel something? If not together? It doesn’t have to be serious- it can be fun? I sound desperate, but I really am. Maybe it’s the PMS😭 I know that our moments are fleeting, and I know that I need to make the most of my time left here. Authentically. I just wish you had more confidence to talk to me. It’s confusing. I want to be able to look back at my time here and think about good memories- they don’t have to be big. I want to remember the first guy I liked, although I may laugh at my current self in the future. That’s in the future though, right now in the present i don’t care what I feel or act- I just know that time goes by quickly. And if I don’t make the most of it I’ll regret it. I know you won’t see this, so this is my confession: I like you, very much so.

You don't know this but I'm not a good partner to you. I love you so dearly and I'm sorry I am this way.

Although I was never entirely demonstrative about my affection for you, I want you to know that you've always been there, that I always appreciated you for all you did, I want you to know that i'm really sorry for making you feel so bad, for leaving like nothing ever happened, I was afraid of messing things up and felt like I've never deserved your love. Yet tonight I'm here to finally tell you that I really love you, I love your hair, I love those shiny eyes, I love your voice, I love your humour, I love how kind you are to everyone, I love the way you sing, I love just the woman you are. I wish you could read this, I hope you do.

i miss you so much and you did me so dirty but i still want you and it hurts that i look like a bird i don't even know if you even liked me or wanted me in the slightest way but it was your desition that wasn't the same as mine.

I don't know where to start but i just want you to know how grateful i am to meet you for such a brief of time. We're not close neither we are friends but in spite of our distances i could still feel the kindness and respect you've shown me. To be honest life's been rough for me lately and crying accompanied me a lot these days well, i have a lot of friends to rely on and burst my heart out to them but i prefer to be alone instead. When you wrote "Panagdait" in your notes after i reacted sad emoji at my notes i didn't realize it immediately because i was to busy singing while cryingHAHA! Anyways, i later on realized that maybe..just maybe it is for me to cheer me up? i don't know, i might be just be being delusional but even if it doesn't really mean anything for you or it is for someone else it did still made my day.Though i am still sad because of everything that has happened to my family but you unknowingly did somehow cheered me up . Maybe, i may sound a bit weird but only if you knew how grateful i am for you even if we never talked before for like atleast once or even just smile for each other. Knowing you are happy and in the great place and environment is enough for me especially as to what we are right now even from the very beginning. I thought at first you were like anybody out there who'll just take their admirers for granted or even ignore them otherwise, you are completely different from them. You are more than worthy of admiring. And perhaps that's what makes you different in my eyes. You don't have to do something extraordinary or go out of your way just to make someone feel seen. Sometimes, even the smallest gestures can mean so much to someone who has been going through a difficult time. I don't know if you realize the impact of your kindness, and I don't expect you to, but I hope you never lose that part of yourself. I hope the world remains gentle with you, just as you have been gentle with the people who admire you. Maybe someday, when I look back on this part of my life, I'll remember you with a smile and laugh at how a simple note, a song, or even the smallest possibility of being noticed could make my dayHAHA! Perhaps you'll never know how much that little moment meant to me, and that's okay. Not every meaningful moment needs an explanation, and not every feeling needs to be returned to be worth having. I'm still figuring things out in my own life, and there are days when everything feels heavier than I know how to explain. But I'm grateful for the little things that remind me that there is still kindness around me, even when life gets difficult. Your kindness became one of those little things, whether you intended it or not. So, thank you. Thank you for being someone I can admire, someone whose kindness has left a good impression on me, and someone who reminded me that admiration doesn't always have to be about wanting to be loved back. Sometimes, it can simply be about appreciating a person for who they are and hoping that life continues to be good to them. I hope you continue to grow into the person you want to become. I hope you achieve the dreams you've been working toward, find peace in the difficult days, and always have people around you who appreciate you beyond what they see on the surface. And if life ever gets difficult for you, I hope you receive the same kindness and consideration that you've shown to others. I don't know how long this admiration will stay with me, and I don't think I need to know. For now, I'm just grateful that our paths crossed, even if only briefly and from a distance. You may be just another person going about your life, unaware of the little things you do that leave an impression on someone else. But to me, you're someone worth remembering fondly. Please take care of yourself, and continue being the person you are. I wish you nothing but happiness, success, and peace in everything that lies ahead of you. And also I'll continue cheering and praying for you quietly from my little corner of the world. "I wish you nothing but the best" Thank you! And always keep safe!

it's okay to cry - your tired self

Please don't make me leave you.

You have no idea what it's taken me to stay as long as I have. I can't be your side piece forever, though I know we both love this electric secrecy, talking in a language only we know. Say something, or I'm gone.

I wish I had gotten the courage and actually talked to you.Told you that you never leave my head, and constantly haunt my every day. I wish I could tell you how I got butterflies when I saw you. How you altered my brain chemistry and now I can't see anything the same way. Besides that you deserve to have a good life meet someone even though I know it won't be me based on the obvious of me moving countries (Surprise!!) I couldn't tell you because you surprised me by moving two hours away and didn't tell me. I couldn't say goodbye. But I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason so I guess this is goodbye?

ⲏₐₚₚᵧ ♭ᵢᵣₜₕ𝓭ₐᵧ, ᵥᵢₒₒₒ!! 💗 ⲏₒₚₑ ᵧₒᵤ 𝑔ₑₜ ₗₒₜₛ ₒᵳ 𝑔ᵢᵳₜₛ ₐₙ𝓭 ₗₒᵥₑ ₜₒ𝓭ₐᵧ. ₒₕ, ₐₙ𝓭 𝓭ₒₙ’ₜ ᵳₒᵣ𝑔ₑₜ ₜₒ ₛₐᵥₑ ₘₑ ₐ ᵦᵢԍ ₛₗᵢ𝓬ₑ ₒᵳ 𝓬ₐₖₑ ₗₘₐₒₒ 🎂 ⲏₐₚₚᵧ 𝑔ₑₜₜᵢₙ𝑔 ₒₗ𝓭ₑᵣ!! 𝑤ₖ𝑤ₖ

To My Huckleberry Friend, It's middle of the night, I'm debating on whether I should make myself a cup of black coffee or just let the insomnia speak for itself. Frank Sinatra playing on my laptop. "I'm A Fool To Want You" and exactly what I feel like right now. Foolish because I'm uncertain if you even exist. I'm not sure which is scarier, the thought of you existing yet never getting to meet you or you not existing at all. Perhaps both. God, I sound like a lovesick teenager. Which is quite ironic being an aromantic. I finished reading The Brothers Karamazov the other day, I was wondering if you have read it too. Perhaps you even carry a better cover than mine. It is getting quite weird to watch Roman Holiday all alone every other weekend. I wonder if you like vintage films as well. I'm quite fond of Gary Cooper. My favorite is "Now and Forever", I know no one asked. I'm also very fond of an ridiculously foolish early 2000s movie pair, Jenna Rink & Matt Flamhaff. Furthermore, I was recently reading a book on cellular & molecular neuroscience, it's a fascinating read. I hope to read with you somebody over coffee. It is foolish to want something that I'm uncertain of, I yearn, pray for someone who I'm not sure or aware of. Someone who I can share the quiet with. Who's patient enough to deal with my ridiculous ramblings. Maybe I'm indeed insane. Yet despite all these thoughts of not seeing you, a tiny part still wishes that you exist and to meet you. To fume over you for making me suffer. I feel stupid enough to publish this because I want to yell out my feelings, I'm unable to. Yours, Rosie