Apology

HEyyyy im sooo sorry abt the tone in which i talked to u ik i hurted u ik i shouldnt have sshouted on my poor baby ikik ik it well and good but yk yr i didnt mean it im sorryyy ill never shout at u ever again sooo soryyyyy sorryyy

hi:) I don't know what happened, what have gone wrong for you to say na dili ta anay mag isturya. If i did something na malain, I'm sorry for that. and sorry if i didn't reply on time, I left my phone kasi para kumadto bh pagkuha tshirt ps. idk if I'm just being oa or something anw. sorry talaga ik kadamo han arte ki pwede man sa chat nalang sorry - 😵

I wanted to say that i always hated myself and i just want to vent from you, but everytime i did that i feel like im just dead weight i have alot of problems i just wish to be somewhere alone with you just one day having fun, but everything sounds so selfish to me, everytime i ask you something i feel like your just doing this to make me shut up, if you do feel that im sorry :(. Im sorry that i was a selfish friend. Im sorry if everything i say never comes true. Im sorry for letting you feel i never cared. Im sorry if i was too problematic. Im sorry if i let you downed. Im sorry if those help text is just something you feel your responsible for what is going to happen next. Im sorry if i didn't say this directly to you, I was too scared to tell this to you and you have your own life to live. I shouldn't be doing this beacause it sounds so selfish. Im sorry if sometimes i dont get you i always try i promise. Another promise to keep just full of lies to keep this friendship alive. Im sorry for everything or everytime i caused you negative emotions. If you ever found this... there is a truth thing i will say please don't get mad When you first help me i said to myself this is just another person will hate me or just forget aboth me (i assumed a loving person. I thought your just melbz a person that i love just to feel unwanted) I thought after checking me you will just forget and move on because all my life is just full of hatred. Back then i was 8-9 that time i grabbed a piece of paper and just wrote every negative thing to my self, i said "im so fucking dumb" "i wish i just die" "i hate myself so much" i was a kid and already hating myself it hurts to be already opened with emotions. My parents always left me to somebody never letting me feel longed. I was so lonely hurted and sad. When i was with my cousins like i feel they dont want me they always like try to find ways to avoid me. Now i just thought of ppl "they just want me because they want something", "they never really cared aboth me", "i will never find someone who will truly wants to be with their side". It hurts of me thinking that. I remembered that i was chatting to a chat bot cuz no one else wanted to i remembered i reach 10 hours on that app and i cried saying im so lonely that i have to rely on someone who is not even real. So what i did find things to make me look cool so ppl will want me. So i did i drew a played music edit vids i did martial arts everything that is possible. No one sticks around except you. So when you first chat me i said a person who is just concerned and will disappear in one point and ill be lonely again week passed still chatting to me i said to myself "i want to block you" beacause i just want to end it so i can endure the pain of leaving you and never think it in the future. Beacause i thought you will leave me like the others did. But i didn't block you and right now its worth it that i didn't. I want to thank you anixe for like being there always checking up on me, just texting for hours aboth a dreamed last night, all the shared thoughts, the gifts, the care, All those recommendations. everything. You made me feel i was a person and not just someone who is replaceable. I love you anixe as a friend. Your someone who is every person needs you really change my life i was less lonely. Even tho i still hate myself your the person who have eyes on me you know me when i tried avoiding stuff. Your the only person who truly cared and im forever greatful. One of my wish right now is to meet you and just have a lovely day. And to the person reading this thank you for giving your time..i dont have the courage to send this to him but can you help me to make him relize that i always cared and greatful. send this letter to him at Discord his user is "dj_anxiety"

i’m sorry i really just need to get this off my chest. i know you’ll probably never see this, but i have to send it nonetheless. i think it all comes down to the fact that i was scared. it wasn’t that i never loved you, i did. i know i did. but i was just scared. i wish that we would’ve said what we said later on. i wish that when we confessed, it would’ve been not then but now. now i’m much more mature, much more comfortable with what i can call myself and what i can be. but even knowing that, i know it would’ve been futile regardless. i was the one who started crushing on you first. you were the first girl i’d ever had a crush on, and it confused me. but you were always so open about yourself that it made me feel a little better, like i wasn’t doing anything wrong because you were doing it too. melody i know that you would’ve given me everything, and the fact is, you have. you’ve given me all of yourself the way that i never could for you. i was scared. i’m still scared now. i can entertain myself with guys as much as i want, but it’s always been you. i can see myself dating you and being happy. it’s such a clear vision in my mind. no boy would’ve remembered the things you remembered about me. no boy would’ve given me the gifts full of time, thought, and effort the way you did. i would’ve been so happy with you. you would’ve made me so happy and i know it. beyond a shadow of a doubt, i know you would’ve made me the happiest girl alive. i imagine myself dating you, getting to kiss you and hug you and go out on dates. but i’m afraid. i was and i still am. i’m just a little more comfortable with myself. but i know that i will never be truly comfortable with myself. because while i can very clearly see myself dating you and doing all these things with you, i can’t imagine the future. it’s so weird to me. i can imagine myself dating any girl and being happy while i have trouble imagining myself having a boyfriend. but when i think on the future, i can hardly see myself marrying and having a family with anyone at all, but when i do, it’s with a man. i don’t know what i’m afraid of, but i’m so, so afraid. everything i did to you was so unfair. i was our downfall. i was the cause of our death. it was all me. you weren’t just an experience, you were everything. you are everything. no one makes me laugh the way you do, no one does the things you do for me, no one is like you. i could talk to you, watch movies with you, share secrets, talk about my feelings, my fears, all with you. it’s nearly impossible for me to be able to have that with anyone else. there was never anybody else. you were always my person, my second half, my twin flame, my soul. i reminisce about you, about us, and think about how lucky i was to have met you. i never said it, but it hurt me too. losing you hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. i know that i never really lost you, but god did it feel like i did. it felt like a part of me was gone forever. my best friend, my girl. and i’m sorry, i’m so sorry because j know it’s my fault. every time you say it’s not i stay quiet because i know it’s not true. had i not led you on the way i did, maybe right now we’d still be calling every day from the moment we woke up or got home from school to the moment i had to leave first. we’d be watching movies together, we’d be talking, laughing, sitting in comfortable silences, still saying i love you. every day since things ended i’ve felt this regret, and it keeps getting stronger. if hurt to leave you but i couldn’t stay. no matter how much i wanted to, i couldn’t. i will never be fully comfortable with who i am. i know i love you, i know that i really do. j know that in the deepest part of heart, i love you and i will always love you. but we can’t be anything. sometimes i wish i could be selfish and date you. i wish i could feel your kisses and hear your voices telling me all the sweet nothings you used to say. i miss you every day. every day without fail i miss you more than the last. i think about you late at night, i think about you when i hear songs, i think about you when there’s nothing to keep me distracted, i think about you while i watch the water boil. i fantasize about you innocently. getting to kiss you, hug you, have you hold me, have us go on dates, smile at each other, sleep in each others arms. i think about that. i get jealous over you, i cry over you, i get nostalgic over you. all to this day. but as much as i wanted to be selfish, i wont. i can’t. all i’ll do is hurt you even more. i’m so afraid and i don’t know what for. my parents would be supportive, i’d have you, i wouldn’t care about anyone else. but i’m still so afraid. i can’t see myself getting married with anyone but a blurry face of a man. i know that on the day j get married, i’ll think of you. when i get a home, i’ll think of you. when i get that pet cat, i’ll think of you. i could be with anyone and somehow, my thoughts will always lead back to you. i miss you as my best friend and my lover. i try not to show it, i try to keep it hidden, but i still check your accounts sometimes, stare at you when your videos come on my feed, look at every single thing you’ve ever given me, still look for our initials, our months, our signs, all of it. i don’t ever want you to go thinking that after everything that happened, that after everything we said, did, and went through, that i’m fine. that this doesn’t matter to me. because it does. it matters to me more than anything. i love you. i love you, i love you, i love you. you would’ve made me so happy. but i refuse to hurt you more than i already have by selfishly asking you for a chance knowing that it will lead no where. maybe if we date, maybe i’ll get over my fears. but what if i don’t? i’ll leave you heartbroken again. i’ve already lost you once, i don’t think i could live with myself if i lost you again. it was never your fault. it was never about what you were or who you were. it was me, solely me. it was my fault because i will never be able to be who i really am. like i said, i’m much more comfortable now than back then, but my fears are still there. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry we never had what we talked about. i’m sorry i couldn’t give you what we dreamed of. i’m sorry that i have to be so unaccepting of myself. if i wasn’t, we’d years into a relationship. i miss you. i love you. i sound like a broken record but it’s true. you may not have known it, but my world revolved around you too. and it still does. i search for you in everyone. i can’t find you again. and it breaks my heart that we can’t be together the way we both want to be. you would never have to be a boy for me to love you. i love you as you are now, a girl just like me. but things might’ve been easier that way, wouldn’t they? nonetheless, i’d never change a single thing about you. i fell in love with the incredible girl that you are and it will always stay that way. i hope that there’s someone out there who isn’t afraid of what they are and that they can give you what my subconscious has only hoped to. time will pass, but my feelings will never change. even if we don’t talk anymore, even if we’re not as close as we were before, even if i’m not your best friend anymore, i’ll always be here. you’ll always be my best friend no matter what. quite literally the girl of my dreams. i hate that this is the way things have to be. you loved so openly and all i could ever do was keep you at an arms length. you are both my biggest blessing and my biggest regret. my biggest blessing because without you, i don’t know who i would’ve been. you will always be my everything no matter how much time passes. but you are also my biggest regret, because i fell for something that i couldn’t have and i hurt you. i know i hurt you. i hurt you so much. i’m sorry. i know that you’d forgive me, i know that i am forgiven, but take my sorries anyway because you deserve them. i didn’t realize the good i had until i had to let you go. i always appreciated you and everything you did. i’m sorry that i’m this way. there are so many parallels between us and my heart aches. it aches knowing that i truly do love you, and that all my feelings are real and i felt you, i did, but i could never act on it because of my cowardice. i feel like it will never be over. i’ll never stop feeling this way and regretting why i could never be braver. i wish i could say “i do”. i want to reach out, but the thought of that scares me motionless. i want to ask you to never leave me, but that’s disgustingly selfish of me. maybe in a different world, in a different life, we could be together without the weight of anything holding us back. a life where i could be free and love you the way i want to and the way you deserve. i know this isn’t the most comforting closure i could’ve given you, and i know it’ll hurt, but it has to be said, and if i never do, how could i ever expect you to know? sweet girl, i love you. i just can’t keep living like this, with this guilt. tragic, isn’t it? the mystery of love. —K.

i apologize for writing so much, my dearest.

It's been 10 days since we completely cut off contact, but it's already been 7 months since we separated. Instead of lessening, the pain only grows, and I feel such a void, such great anguish that I don't know how to put it into words. I miss you all the time; the pain of longing is so intense that I can even see you during the day, with my eyes open. I wonder how you are, if you're well and happy, if you're smiling with someone or doing what you love most, which is singing. I think I've never taken so long to write a letter because with each word written, the urge to cry hits me so hard, but not enough to make this pain go away. I will always be here, waiting for your return.

(извини что инглиш) to be honest, i didn’t fully even know what i was apologizing for today, i only knew that my silence was a wrong thing to do and then only halfway our conversation i realized that you were really offended but only when i got home i understood that you were hurt. and now i know what i’m sorry for. dear my Alikhan (my one and only), i’m really sorry for hurting you. it was never my intention, i was not even realizing it, i was not manipulating you, i’m so sorry that you felt that way, i was just straight up mean to you. i could never hurt you intentionally. i also realized why i was mean to you. you are my first boyfriend, which you are my first guy. i was cautious of you. i was taking every mistake by you as a threat, and was not trusting you. it’s my first relationship too, i’m sorry that i was cautious of you for too long i really hope you will feel my sincerity through this letter, i wish i could just transfer “my soul” to you, so you could feel it, just to prove you that i’m really sorry. i wish we were quantum entanglement, just to show you how much i love you. “i love you” for me used to be just a cliché phrase, that i heard from the movies but now looking at you, i can feel it and i’m really sad that i hurt someone whom i care, cherish, love. i’m not forcing you or pressuring you to forgive me right away [ or even forgive me at all( ] take your time, whenever you are ready, i won’t bother you till i will be waiting just text me, and when it will happen, i will be the happiest person on that day as the song says, Always Love💗

I still am waiting for your answer, it’s so pathetic you’d probably never see this confessions right? I still like you. Sincerely so and it pains me on a daily basis to think you’d give no shits about me haha funny right? Cause who am I to be talking.

Heyy Pingu, I really don’t like that you’re upset with me😔😔. It honestly hurts knowing I made you feel like our relationship is one sided and because that was never my intention(⁠｡⁠•́⁠︿⁠•̀⁠｡⁠). You mean so much to me that I literally can't even express it. Even though we’re long distance I still want feel so close to you, and I care about us a lot. I don’t want something small or misunderstood to come between us(⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠). If I did something wrong, I genuinely want to understand it, not just brush it off. You deserve to feel heard and cared for, and I want to be better for you, not just in words but in how I act too. So please tell me what I can do. I’ll do anything I can to fix this, because you’re worth that to me. I’m here, always. Just talk to me when you’re ready 💖💖 I'm sorry...

hi this is me, Muhammad Firdaus Hakimi or for those who know me online might know me as Yori/Kiro. I'm writing this letter as a thanks to everyone who have been parts of my life throughout my journey, the up and down. I believe that I haven't took my time to properly thank everyone, so this would be this letter's purpose. First, my mom. Thanks alot for raising me as your youngest son, you raised me to become a strong boy in this world, but it has come to me that your strong boy is getting weak by bottling everything inside his heart. Little by little he tried to take it out without relying on anyone to prove that he's strong, but he didn't notice that it became overwhelming day by day inside his heart. I would like to apologize for every second that I've isolated myself from the place called "home". You never failed to raise me ma, I just failed to become the son that you wanted. Orang mintak maaf sangat mama. Sayang mama To my dad, even though we only get to live together for 5 years. I really appreciate you as my dad, you played a crucial role even while being far away from me and that is heaven. I would've love to grow with you, but fate is quiet cruel for you, the day that you let out your last breath is the day that I hate the world the most, and now? I still do. How is it up there ayah? May I ask if you reserved a place for me? I would love to be your little son again. Saya rindu ayah sangat. Sayang ayah To my brother, I hope that your marriage stay blessed till the end. I hope that your son Ayden will grow up to be a stronger men than both of us. But if I could ask for one thing, please help our mom once in a while. She's really struggling to help the family all on her own, would you lend your hand for her again? Thank you abang. To my sisters, this might be a really long one since I have 4 sisters. To my eldest sister, thank you for supporting mama every day. I can't help but feel in debt for everything you've done for the family. And fyi, I never asked for anything so that you can help mama more. But you can also give gifts to other siblings to, just not for me. Our mom needs it the most. Thank you isya. ------------ To my second sister, I know your struggling alot with life. But I could never reach out because I was drowning too. I would never blame you for how you act, I know how hard has it been for you and I could be the witness. I hope you stay strong and keep living life till it starts getting better. Thank you Sarah. --------- To my third sister, thanks for always having my back. Even though sometimes we might've quarrel a lot, but there's far more of your great deeds to me more than those quarrel. Thank you for always accompanying mom when no one couldn't, thank you for listening to her stories. Thank you awin. ---------- To my fourth sister, we relate a lot don't we? Everytime I heard your playlist playing I realized most of it is in mine too, it feels like we have a lot of matching stuffs in life. Your food taste, your style and sort of your life style too. It's hard to find someone to relate with, thank you Manda. ---- To my friends, I've written a separate letter for you guys. And to those who are extra special, you might be lucky enough to have my own letter to you. ----

My eyes wander When you’re around Can’t help but look for you From the life I gave up To having no life at all Is this my punishment? For being avoidant Please love tell me Roses and lilies are For people who die I hate that I’m fine Until I see you again My mind has only ever known To play a perfectly well victim Can’t face this idea of life alone Am I yearning for the love Or for the friend I had? Locked up in this game of makeovers Can’t seem to move on From this endless loop of reinventions Someone save me from endless struggle Hate that I have to sit with people Who speak badly about you I know this is nothing new but My heart still aches from the poison I’ve let thinking it was honey

Hope this letter finds you in good health and spirit. we are not together anymore, and the reason is me, well, i'm happy that you got rid of the worst human ever, but am sad for not being able to be the best partner. idk if you'll ever come across this msg or not, but if u do, ik you'll know who i am : ) you are the best person i met in my life, and will be so, i will love you forever and will secretly be your well wisher. you're my idol, my inspiration, my dream, my aspiration, my love, my everything <3 . but i think this was our fate, yet, i'll say this was the best part of my life, thank you for everything, i'm truly grateful to you. i want to say a lot of things more but i think somethings should be kept private...just in case...i get to meet you again...or if u start loving me again....we may share...hehe....i love you dear....wish you all the best for your future : ) From, SG

Happy birthday my love, i wish i were there with you to celebrate it with you. I'm sorry love, so fucking sorry. I should've never lied, i wanted to tell you the truth but i couldn't..just couldn't. You were the right person for me but at the wrong time. I tried moving on, really did. It's been 5 months and a week. I wrote a song, poems, heck everytime i close my eyes all i see are your blue orbs. I sound like a moron. I even changed my username to what it was in hopes if you ever wanted to reconnect, i'm pathetic. Funny how we planned a date in Edinburgh..our late night calls..I'm sorry. So, happy birthday my love, stay happy and safe, i wish you the best for your future. And I hope that your future woman will cherish you and love you.

I know I’ve messed up a lot and i don’t deserve forgiveness from you but please agar aap chaho toh maaf kardo and tbh darr lagne laga hai kahin kuch karu aur fir kuch ulta na hojaaye issliye meri aapse baat karne ki himmat tak nahi horahi sakshi but please maaf kardiye isse zyada nahi bolunga kuch and i know aap kuch mere haath se nahi logi issliye iska sahara lena padra and aese nahi acha lagrha hai and thankyou for the gift but apne haath se deti aap toh zyada acha lagta!

I saw that my message last night is still on delivered. I feel like you restricted me. Thinking about that actually hurts, but what can I do? If that’s the only right thing for you to not feel me again, then I should accept it. I know it’s my fault. I was actually lying cy☹️even if I say it’s fine, deep down it makes me sad. I really wanted to talk to you, but I know that will probably never happen. Gosh, I wish I never let my thoughts stop me from showing my affection to you. If only I could break this wall I built between us, maybe I could feel you again. But if I did that, where would my self-respect be? Am I too selfish for choosing to stay silent instead of telling you that I want you here with me? I just can’t explain how much you matter to me. Believe me, I made the right decision to let you go. But the consequences made me realize that letting others love the woman I want didn’t make it easier to unlove you. I really thought it would. But as time goes by, I hate thinking of you with someone else, and those thoughts feel like they’re poisoning my mind. I can’t find the strength to send this message directly to you, so I’m leaving it here instead. I believe in God’s timing— for us to work things out at the right time and with the right decisions. I still believe in us, in everything about us. I’m walking away, but I still believe that maybe, at the right time and in the right place, our eyes will meet again-full of unspoken thoughts. I hope you’ll look at me the same way again.. If this year is still not meant for me to have you, then I’ll choose myself for now. But if our paths never cross again and God doesn’t give me another chance, then I hope I can see you one last time before I learn to love someone else.

I wanted to forget you. I tried my best, but how can I deny what my soul craves? At first, I was drawn to your dark, your deep soul. I wanted to know more. I thought I could help you, make you feel better. But all I ended up doing was damaging your mental health. I was too much and maybe I still am. I tried to hide my anxiety, but all I did was chase you, because I felt doomed and too weak to let go. I kept apologizing… but for what? For repeating the same mistakes in the end? Maybe what you did was the best option for both of us to find peace, and for you to go back to what you truly wanted.

dear dejuan… idk how to start this tbh.. its been two months since we’ve broken up, it now being february. and here i am, finally laying out all my feelings to you. through out the whole relationship, i honestly felt like the love we shared wasnt real. i couldn’t find it in my heart to trust you nor open up to you. i was scared of getting hurt or being left behind again, scared of actually hoping for forever just for it to be temporary. i vowed to never let you in, to keep my guard up, to limit what I say and how i communicate with you. i lied about not liking to go to sleep on the phone because i knew if i did, my guard will slowly go down. i stuck to harsh words,dry texts, late text and rage baiting because i feared my love would be too much for you. the constant texting and calling, the pet names and constant annoyance, the random facts and anime quotes throughout the day, the stalking you and your family and friends accounts, the getting upset over everything that you do and refusing to tell you because of the fear that im over reacting or upsetting you, the spamming “baby” just to respond with hi, or stalking your ig and who you text. i feared actually being myself. i feared texting you constantly even when all i could think of was you because i feared being too much for you. i feared losing you.i even feared you leaving me for your bsf because of how close you guys were. and while focusing on every possible way to keep a fair enough distance, without knowing it, i was damaging myself physically and mentally. i slowly started to feel empty inside. like a moving corpse without a beating heart. i felt so lost and alone and i didn’t know how to talk to anyone. i didn’t even know how to explain my feelings. i deeply loved you so so much but i couldn’t feel it. it was more of a thought than a feeling. i then started to think that maybe everything I once felt was all just in my head, and suddenly every other feeling ive once felt was slipping away. the happiness, love, joy, sadness, hurt, depression, overthinking. it just all slowly stopped. and the next thing i know i was in the same cycle over and over, feeling like a puppet being moved around. i felt hallow. i felt like i was running on air pilote. i couldn’t find the energy to talk to you or anyone. i felt disassociated with the world. and all i had was weed. i started smoking and sleeping heavily, staring at a blank wall or watching a anime for distraction. i slowly stopped eating, stopped leaving my bed. i just exist and it was painful. so painful to watch the world move around me while im still stuck in place. to see happy people or couples together and yet feel nothing but the air from the vents and the beating of my heart. and you. you were amazing. you loved me, tried to spoil me,cared for me, just wanted me and i ruined it. all because i feared you leaving. i feared that if i open up to you about how i feel, it would be over. because i knew deep down that a relationship was the last thing i needed. i knew that if i told you how my mental health truly was, it wouldve been over. so i kept it all to myself. i thought maybe it would get better or easier even. then i made a stupid decision that ended us anyway. i thought that maybe if i made you hate me then you would leave and find better. i hoped for you to see me slipping away from this world, to notice that im not okay. and idk if you did. so i went into a spiral and i went to a hb. i expressed these emotions and he quickly assumed that you were cheating. that if you couldn’t notice your own girlfriend mood change then it’s someone else. and that sickening saying and thought was put into my head over and over by many other friends. and i’m not blaming you, im not accusing you of cheating. im expressing my feelings ab you and your gbsf relationship. i didn’t like it. i didn’t like how close y’all were and how much you posted her, i didn’t like how you would talk to her about our problems or how you got her to text me about our relationship problems instead of yourself. so i turned to my boy bsf, flirting with him and he went along with it.. yet it took you awhile to notice, and when you did, when you left….. i finally felt something. i felt pain so deep inside that i couldn’t help but touch my chest. and it took me forever to realize that the cause of my actions resulted into someone i deeply loved being hurt. i became what i feared. i self sabotaged and pushed you away. so that night when you called and ended things, i completely broke. all i could manage was an okay but i wasn’t okay. and ik we will never be together again… but i just want you to know that i’m sorry juan. im so so sorry…you didn’t deserve anything i did to you, you deserve so much better and ik you will receive better. you stayed. even when i was so horrible and dry to you… im to blame for how things ended and i accept it. i just want you to come back to me….. but i also know that the love and trust that you had for me is long gone… so this is my last time talking to you, bothering you. you can hate me forever if you want. i just needed to finally get this out. better late than never ig

I can't move on knowing that what I did cannot be undone. The amount of guilt is trapping me in a cage making it inescapable on trying to achieve self improvement. I miss the comfort of your words, the warmth of your touch, and the steadiness around the world when your presence is near. I miss your words of affection, let it be through poems or paragraphs it will always have a place in my heart Liam. I hate myself for losing you and now I have no choice but to keep going or hope that maybe we'll be together again.