There's so much I want to say but I just don't know how to say it, I dont want to just make this me saying I'm sorry over and over again but I feel like that what it's gonna end up being.. the biggest regret I have is not ever making clear enough how I truly felt and not staying for when it got too hard, I should've done so much more to prove I loved you, I should've done more to fight for the relationship and just tell you regardless of how much I was going through that I never wanted to shut you out, I just got scared and didn't want to hurt you anymore than I thought I did, only that inevitably just ended up having the complete opposite affect.. I left everytime because I couldn't handle being your friend loving you the way I did.. I tried so hard to suppress and essentially kill the emotions I had for you to be there for you, but when you wanted me to help you with your current relationship.. it destroyed me, I never wanted to ever be in the position where I was anything other than yours, it hurt so badly to know I couldn't love you the way I truly wanted to and I felt selfish knowing my own love for you was in the way of being there for you, I never truly felt like I was able to be there for you the way I was before and now I'm left so lost knowing I can't love you or help you, but the feelings have always stayed, they never faded, I still wake up wanting to text you good morning and that I love you, I still want to spend my life with you regardless of everything, but I know things are far too gone to ever expect any kind of future together, and I'm sorry. I don't know what to do to move on, I don't feel attraction to women like I do with you, I don't feel the love or the spark we had, when I saw you for the first time, something in me felt like you were the one for me, and now I'm stuck trying to reassemble the pieces to a puzzle that simply can't be completed. I'm so scared Vanessa..I'm so alone and terrified I'm losing myself in the grief.. I used to be a sweet person..I just don't care anymore..this love is killing my soul..I don't know how to live without loving you..I don't want to live in a reality where I have to "love" someone else. I tried and it just doesn't work, I gave it so much time and it just never feels right. It just feels like I've been in the wrong timeline since we broke up..I need help so badly..I beg the universe everyday to just make it make sense. Regardless of anything I will always love you, you have always be my first and only love, I may be a goldfish but our love will stick with me forever regardless if I want it or not, and I refuse to "love" someone else when I don't, even if that means being single until death, I can at least know I at one point felt true love, and that almost makes it okay..It just kills me to know I can't love you the way I truly want to. I want to say I love you so badly and for you to know I really mean it, I want to hug and kiss you and never let go, I wish I wasn't just so young and stupid and maybe I could've seen it all more clearly.. I went on a trip and took some acid and it's reopened everything Ive been suppressing for years..a part of it's made me remember how much I miss human contact..a big part of it made me remember how much i loved yours.. I tried dating after you.. it just didn't work..I never felt even a slight amount of love towards them..and that only made me feel worse..so I'm just gonna stick to myself until hopefully maybe one day I'll be ready to love again..you told me I was your first love.. you will always be my first and only love, I love you so much Vanessa, I really truly do..