First love

I am sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I am so sorry. I hated myself for doing what we did to us, I couldn't look myself in the eyes for what I was to tell you -what i told you that day- I am sorry. I still feel home with you. It cut me to write you didn't feel home. I have my own reasons. I am sorry I did it at such a crucial time in your life, no amount of 'sorry' will ever ease the guilt I feel. I miss you, god i miss you so much. I hated doing it. I am helpless, my hand being forced into someone elses. It would have hurt you more to like me and think I had to go to someone else when I told you I would be yours. I think it would hurt you less and enrage you more to think I did not understand your point of view. Love tears you apart but rage keeps you breathing. Rage makes you feel alive and I want you to be alive. I want you to go around and experience everything. The sunsets and the sunrise and everything in between. I hope you go long way. Hope your find a family of your own in someone, and when you do, I hope it works in your favour for you deserve all the happiness in the world. Had it been in my hands, I would have fought tooth and nail to be with you, but it's not. I miss you with each breathing gulp of air and I... I think this is how love feels. -rawr

Dear Mani, Oh Mani, you were my very best friend, and my first love, we were inseparable, everyone knew it was, everyone knew in the end it would be you and me over anyone else. You and I just started talking and hanging out again after everything we went through together. The way you looked at me on Friday, and when I would look at you, you would smile so hard. And suddenly it all came flooding back, all our memories together flashed in my mind. I felt pure joy, that I hadn’t felt in a while. Speaking to you for just a moment reminded me why I chose you, why you were my first love, why we were a dynamic duo, why we were legendary lovers, why everyone wanted to have what we had. And I remembered why I love you so much, and why anytime I’m with anyone else it all comes back to you, because you are my person, you are the guy for me And I’ll be here waiting until you realise that I’m your girl and always have been ❤️

antes eu não tinha certeza do que eu sentia por você, sei que o nosso passado é meio vergonhoso e que você não gostava de mim no passado, mas mais umavez nós nos encontramos, mais maduros e bem mais diferentes. Sei que foi coisa de Deus nós nos encontrarmos, pois frequentamos a mesma escola denovo, na mesma academia e por pouco quase moramos do lado um do outro. Sei que começo desse ano eu te magoei e também me lembro de quando você me rejeitou mas agora isso é passado, quando tô com você, eu posso falar de qualquer coisa, posso ser quem eu sou, eu dou risada, conversamos sobre tudo mas ainda sim ainda tenho vergonha de olhar nos seus olhos, de olhar pra você, abraçar você, porque sinceramente é muito difícil de acreditar que nós nos encontramos e nos amamos, eu quero que isso dure, quero ficar perto de você todos os dias. Gosto de como você é atencioso, de como cuida de mim, gosto do seu cabelo e dos seus olhos e de como me protege, gosto de como você sabe tudo sobre mim, gosto de como você é compreensivo e de como e um ótimo filho, um ótimo amigo e um ótimo pretendente pra mim. Gosto de estar com você e trocar cada palavra com você, gosto de como é fiel e de como eu posso confiar em você, gosto de como você me faz querer melhorar todos os dias e por fim mas não menos importante eu gosto de você. Você me completa, nossas personalidades são meio opostas mas somos tão parecidos em tudo. Eu não quero que isso acabe, eu nunca pensei que falaria isso mas eu te amo mesmo, eu não queria me apegar. Eu sei que você já teve um relacionamento passado mas porfavor não se lembre mais dela e nem se apaixone por outra pessoa, porfavor olha pra mim e investe em mim, se você não sabe, eu sempre gostei de você mesmo quando fui rejeitada, você foi meu PRIMEIRO AMOR, então porfavor, deixe eu ser pelo menos o seu primeiro AMOR. Eu nunca vou desistir de você, porfavor não muda de opinião e que continue gostando de mim, por que arthur, eu te amo muito e espero que fiquemos juntos até o final de nossas vidas. Que nossos pais aprovem o nosso namoro e depois o casamento, que façamos tudo certo, que nos casemos em uma igreja evangelica bem bonita e que tenhamos 4 filhos, 2 meninos e 2 meninas e um cachorro. E que você possa ser advogado e eu uma médica, que moremos numa casa grande bem bonita e moderna, que nós façamos várias viagens e que nossos pais sejam amigos e os melhores sogros e sogras possíveis. Que nós vivamos uma vida com Deus constante r que sejamos muito felizes e fiéis um ao outro e à Deus, e que nós possamos viver ao lado um do outro até o final das nossas vidas, eu te amo muito mesmo.

i hate the fact that i dont hate you. i hate that ur the only one that understands me. i hate this. i hate me. i hate how i couldnt save us. you thought i could save us and im so fucking sorry. its all my fault. i wanted to, i was trying. but i couldnt. so fucking caught up in my feelings its all my fault. come back to me sweet girl. please. i miss saying i love you to you. you were the most important person in my life. i genuinely wanna end my shit i feel so horrible. everytime i think of you i want to throw up, not from disgust, from how much i miss you. its so fucking insane. what do you mean i still love you. i should hate you, really. you should hate me. maybe itd be better off that way..or not. i never want to lose something so precious. i hate this so fucking much. i hate remembering every single memory we have made together. i miss everything. maybe i should try and push those thoughts down. i try actually. but it doesnt work? they always come up. ur the first thing on my mind, its horrible. im horrible. i love you even tho i shouldnt. i wish i loved you less. i wish you cared…you do. im sorry baby. my sweet baby. i miss you so much. i miss saying these things. maybe i should let stuff like this out more often. its not really helping tho. i feel so shitty. kill me omfg. i really hate the fact ur the only one i have. i hate it. i wish we could go back. i want to go back. take me back baby. please. id do anything. id fix myself up for you. id be normal. id video call u like u have always wanted. i shouldve done it. omg its all my fault, sweet girl im so sorry. idk why i still text you (lie). tf no ones gonna see this. i wish we were back together. it was too much pressure on you to love me i know. sorry. its all my fault.

The first guy I’ve ever truly liked. We’re in our last year of college now, and likely will never see each other again afterwards due to distance. Our time together has been short. Although we were classmates before college, we never really spoke, a regret that weighs heavy on my heart. I wish I had longer to talk to you. I really admire you; your hobbies, the way you use your hands to express yourself whilst talking, the way you try your hardest, your dreams and passions, your slightly wonky nose, your smile, your laugh even when you don’t find something funny, your kindness, humour, your awkwardness, our similar music, your acting and singing on stage. Everything. I want to know more about you, I feel like I’ve just grazed your surface. I wish I made the most of the time I had with you before, but I didn’t recognise my feelings until it was too late. I now have to try and make the most of these last few bittersweet months. Though the added pressure of it being our last year brings stress. And when Im stressed I become the worst of myself. You’ve seen me anxious, overthinking, rambling, quiet, angry. You’ve almost seen me all. You’ve seen me embarrassed and insecure. To which our interactions just turned out awkward because of my own lack of self esteem. But that isn’t me as a whole. Im rambling now, and I don’t even know if you think of me the same way I think of you. Im not the prettiest, the skinniest, or the best. You’re a deeply admirable person, both looks and personality- the complete opposite of me. You may think of yourself differently but you’re just being humble. I deeply respect you. Last year we spoke when we had class, I hated the way I portrayed myself. When I overthink, I ramble, i get embarrassed, anxious, and the cycle repeats itself. You were giving me mixed signals, which I know for my own sake that I should take as a no, but I can’t stop thinking about you. Sometimes I also think you like her, which I can understand as she is so lovely, but I could never be her. Cliche, sorry. But it’s true. Why pick me when you could have her? Why ruin your chances with her when you can practice your conversations with me and then use it with her? I wish you didn’t do that. But then you used to do the same to me- were you playing it safe? Seeing if it would work to then use on her? I’ve tried to stop thinking about you but I just can’t. In my last year of college I have priorities, and for some reason, you’ve always been and are first. Im kicking myself over the fact I spent most of my summer checking your socials instead of focusing on myself. I couldn’t help it- I missed you, as cringe as that sounds. Your future is bright, and one day you will look back at these days and realise how pitiful of a classmate i was. Im going to change, but this version of me will be remembered by you- not the newer version. Maybe that’s the beauty of it. I give so much of myself to you. I know it’s unfair to expect reciprocity, and there’s also a difference between your intention and capability. You’re an awkward guy, i get it, but if you really do like me give me a sign. Don’t just stare at me. Show interest, talk to me, give me what I give you. I know I sound selfish, but I just wish he felt the same. I say this knowing damn well I wouldn’t want a relationship, especially because it’s the last year there’s no point and because of the distance etc. but for the last year, can we not feel something? If not together? It doesn’t have to be serious- it can be fun? I sound desperate, but I really am. Maybe it’s the PMS😭 I know that our moments are fleeting, and I know that I need to make the most of my time left here. Authentically. I just wish you had more confidence to talk to me. It’s confusing. I want to be able to look back at my time here and think about good memories- they don’t have to be big. I want to remember the first guy I liked, although I may laugh at my current self in the future. That’s in the future though, right now in the present i don’t care what I feel or act- I just know that time goes by quickly. And if I don’t make the most of it I’ll regret it. I know you won’t see this, so this is my confession: I like you, very much so.

i miss you so much and you did me so dirty but i still want you and it hurts that i look like a bird i don't even know if you even liked me or wanted me in the slightest way but it was your desition that wasn't the same as mine.

i need closure asap, text me on november 29

I want you to come back. I miss you. I miss our late nights, our long talks about nothing, our moments that no one understands but us. I want to hug you again, to kiss you hello again, to see you climb through my window again. I wish you’d just say something. You know I’d let you back in. We’re just scared

dearest Lord ive prayed the prayer to remove him from my life if he's not from You and ive received the signs. i like him. a lot. and i think this is going to end well. please. bless me with him. kidus, i think about you. all the time. youre so cuteeee i squeal looking at pictures of that smile ughhhhhh. im head over heels. i thought i got over you when you were (maybe?) dating that girl but apparently not. i cant stop checking your accounts :,) please God work your will in this!!! -h

Hey. We have been talking for a while and i just cant get you off my mind. day and night. I need you to need me back or stop giving me mixed signals. i understand ur busy but i am too. and i think you know how you feel so just show it.

How do I tell you you're my first love? You've been my best friend since childhood, so how could I possibly tell you that our friendship has most definitely always been one sided? I've always known im gay, it's not something I've always been in terms with, I always hid it, kind of ashamed of what it could mean for my family. We went to school together but we never spoke, so when i saw you at my cousin's wedding, you came up to me and my cousin and spoke to us, i was nervous for no absolute reason, but we became close and we ran around, we had fun, but that was it. I moved away, miles away and I thought of you all the time, but eventually I got back to the real world and buried you deep in my heart. and just like that fate brought us back to each other. i met you again in my dugsi (quran school), i recognized you in an instant but we didn't talk, we made eye contant a lot of times, you always kept staring, but then again you looked at everyone, i wasn't special. We met again, but in school this time. We were in different classes, but same year. I was new to town and to the school, everyone already knew each other and I felt so out of place, I cried every day in the bathroom, I missed my old place, where I knew everyone for years and was well loved, i missed it. my loneliness didnt last long, thankfully. i sat alone, in the corridors, everyone was at lunch and i was an*rexic at the time, being new and no friends made it even worse. but you approached me, i tried pretending i didnt see you, i looked down at my phone, my heart was at my throat and i felt nauseous because of how nervous i was, but you came up to me, smiling so brightly i felt the world stopping, everything i always saw in my silly kdramas. you said "aren't you the girl in my dugsi?" I didn't stutter, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending. i smiled and said "yeah, i have seen you", we smiled and chuckled and she asked if i wanted to take a walk, we walked and then sat down and talked the whole lunch break. I was screaming inside, I couldn't believe you were talking to me. we became friends instantly after that, there was no way i was letting you go after the universe gave you back to me. you introduced me to your other friends, and through you I reunited with my childhood best friends (still my best friend till today). she was the first person I came out to, using another girl's name, like I always did back then. I used different kids in our school to try and get over you, boys and girls, anyone, but nothing worked. I could never fall in love with anyone else (even till today). I love you so incredibly much, I am willing to wait till you can see me as a potential, I believe we are the right choice for each other, I truly do. I know your type, I know I'm not it, but I believe I could be, I’m gonna do everything I can, I will do everything I can to be the one for you. The universe would not give you to me time and time again just for us to not be each other’s soulmates. And if we are not, if you find someone who you love and loves you, I will always be your best friend, I will support you full heartedly, I mean it. i know im your number one, im your best friend after all but when you look at me, hug me or simply touch me, I don't see you as a friend, I never did. I try hard to meet new people, I go out on dates, I go from talking stage to talking stage, but none feels real. I pull away the moment someone shows any real interest in me, I always thought I was avoidant, or just scared of intimacy, until I realised that I’ve just always wanted you. Knowing you is and will forever be the greatest thing to have happened to me. I don't even want to imagine a life without you, I don't ever want to lose you, just the thought of it brings me to tears. Every part of my life is touched by you, this city, my heart, my future and thoughts, mind, everything I am is because of you. I was so ready to give up and give in and you held my hand through it all, you didn’t question, you were you, your kind, thoughtful, mindful, and beautiful self, I am forever thankful and grateful to you. I am so thankful to have grown up beside you. 13 years of us. Fifi and Safi. two peas in a pod. Whether it is us as an end game or us as bridesmaids for each other, I still do, and will always want you in my life. i love you.

Happyyy boyfriends day my love one 🫂🫀 I had the besttt days days with youuu I am falling more for youu day by day Being with youuu feels me the safe and happiestttttt I loveeee youuuu so muchhhhh 💗 I misss youuu so muchhhh See youuuu super soon Cutieee🎀🪬🥹🫂🫶

i think you are the first person i cant ever not smile around, and while other people may not like you or think your wierd i really really reaaaaaaaaaaaally like you.....

I miss you every single day, there’s not a single day where i do not think of you, where you are, how you, what you’re doing, if you’re better? But mostly, selfishly, i think about if you’ve moved on and forgotten me, if ive turned into yet another chapter you’ll remember, part of your teenage years. while you remain the only song, stupidly stuck in my head, it’s unfair truly, because you’ll never be a chapter to me, you were everything, you saw me, or at least i’d like to think you did. Me and Jess are friends, i know it was one of our last conversations, or fights i guess. I guess im clingy, and stupid, and utterly infuriating, not just to those around me, but to myself, because sometimes i fear that if its not you, ill never find love, because sadly, you’ve ruined me for everyone else

you always will be the best thing that ever happened to my life. take care bache. i believe in you even if you dont and i know you can achieve anything. you are my home and i will always carry you with me wherever i go. i will never forget how you make me feel; like i belong somewhere. i belong with you.

I miss you so much that you can’t even imagine how much it hurts..

hey, ik you don’t really care about being friends anymore but you still linger within my mind in my eyes, you were someone i really enjoyed being around until the sparks inevitably faded away though i’ll always be available if you wanna talk again one day

I love you, so much. I hope you know how much you mean to me, No matter what happens when you're in New York. Ill be here waiting. Like I said I would. Ill always Wait for you darling. Wear your seatbelt. Much Love -Dance

I ruined us twice and I'm sorry, I miss you, As both a friend and partner, but I understand why you would want distance, So I'm being far away as possible, I'll just listen to the playlist you made me. Take care and I love you.

Im so sorry but i love you so