How do I tell you you're my first love? You've been my best friend since childhood, so how could I possibly tell you that our friendship has most definitely always been one sided? I've always known im gay, it's not something I've always been in terms with, I always hid it, kind of ashamed of what it could mean for my family. We went to school together but we never spoke, so when i saw you at my cousin's wedding, you came up to me and my cousin and spoke to us, i was nervous for no absolute reason, but we became close and we ran around, we had fun, but that was it. I moved away, miles away and I thought of you all the time, but eventually I got back to the real world and buried you deep in my heart. and just like that fate brought us back to each other. i met you again in my dugsi (quran school), i recognized you in an instant but we didn't talk, we made eye contant a lot of times, you always kept staring, but then again you looked at everyone, i wasn't special. We met again, but in school this time. We were in different classes, but same year. I was new to town and to the school, everyone already knew each other and I felt so out of place, I cried every day in the bathroom, I missed my old place, where I knew everyone for years and was well loved, i missed it. my loneliness didnt last long, thankfully. i sat alone, in the corridors, everyone was at lunch and i was an*rexic at the time, being new and no friends made it even worse. but you approached me, i tried pretending i didnt see you, i looked down at my phone, my heart was at my throat and i felt nauseous because of how nervous i was, but you came up to me, smiling so brightly i felt the world stopping, everything i always saw in my silly kdramas. you said "aren't you the girl in my dugsi?" I didn't stutter, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending. i smiled and said "yeah, i have seen you", we smiled and chuckled and she asked if i wanted to take a walk, we walked and then sat down and talked the whole lunch break. I was screaming inside, I couldn't believe you were talking to me. we became friends instantly after that, there was no way i was letting you go after the universe gave you back to me. you introduced me to your other friends, and through you I reunited with my childhood best friends (still my best friend till today). she was the first person I came out to, using another girl's name, like I always did back then. I used different kids in our school to try and get over you, boys and girls, anyone, but nothing worked. I could never fall in love with anyone else (even till today). I love you so incredibly much, I am willing to wait till you can see me as a potential, I believe we are the right choice for each other, I truly do. I know your type, I know I'm not it, but I believe I could be, I’m gonna do everything I can, I will do everything I can to be the one for you. The universe would not give you to me time and time again just for us to not be each other’s soulmates. And if we are not, if you find someone who you love and loves you, I will always be your best friend, I will support you full heartedly, I mean it. i know im your number one, im your best friend after all but when you look at me, hug me or simply touch me, I don't see you as a friend, I never did. I try hard to meet new people, I go out on dates, I go from talking stage to talking stage, but none feels real. I pull away the moment someone shows any real interest in me, I always thought I was avoidant, or just scared of intimacy, until I realised that I’ve just always wanted you. Knowing you is and will forever be the greatest thing to have happened to me. I don't even want to imagine a life without you, I don't ever want to lose you, just the thought of it brings me to tears. Every part of my life is touched by you, this city, my heart, my future and thoughts, mind, everything I am is because of you. I was so ready to give up and give in and you held my hand through it all, you didn’t question, you were you, your kind, thoughtful, mindful, and beautiful self, I am forever thankful and grateful to you. I am so thankful to have grown up beside you. 13 years of us. Fifi and Safi. two peas in a pod. Whether it is us as an end game or us as bridesmaids for each other, I still do, and will always want you in my life. i love you.