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I love you 85811110

Hi test 85811110

Hi I feel like I should just I don’t know talk about my whole life currently with what I can and can’t remember let’s start with when it all started or as i remember:3rd grade, 3rd grade was really hard for 9 year old me especially since at that age 9 or 8 I started like touching myself and well being hypersexual having bad thoughts I hated myself for that I was never touched but I guess having no one watching what you see well fucked up my brain? Probably i don’t know I hate it, it didn’t make it better that I was surrounded with skinny kids I didn’t necessarily get bullied in that grade but I got I guess teased from time to time for being well fat as hell and, don’t even get me started with the nickname gordita my family called me it was hard enough being bullied in second grade so hearing that didn’t make it better I knew at one point I stop eating or stop eating AS much as I used too, it changed I got less fat but that didn’t stop people from commenting on my weight even family, 3rd grade was hard I had to friends and was nicknamed the emo kid like bro not cool, and I was stupid so stupid that my mom would hit me for getting an answer wrong I have no idea why but every time I see her I think she’ll hit me for how stupid I am and it hurts more than a hit because she’s better now, anyway I didn’t really get along with anyone let alone my family I felt sad I wasn’t normal because of well my hyper sexuality it’s disgusting to even think about but for now that’s all I can recall from well 3rd grade, 4th grade, I wouldn’t say it was hard but it wasn’t easy either i think this was the grade I first ever self harmed I had pressed a needle into my skin until it started bleeding but that does really count does it?, anyways I left downer went to some other school didn’t change the fact I wasn’t happy but i thought I’d have friends their no I only had one literally and she would barely even come to school at one point some counselor asked me if I was genuinely okay I didn’t know how to answer that but I just said yeah, like half way through the year I left I don’t know why I guess my mom wanted to move back or something everyone was “happy” to see me but it was only for that day the next day everything went back to normal I was sad and lonely cuz I had no fucking friends, until Amy started talking me but than she left the school but whatever anyways that’s all I really remember I think? Oh this was the year my mom criticized me a LOT and took a lot of her anger out on me, 5th grade:sigh main this I remember about this year was at one point my mom told me I looked like a gay transgendered guy and little did my mom know THAT was the year I was becoming well a dude, but I didn’t especially with hearing those words hell no I was still stupid both educationally and socially I ended up making some friends like with Raquel and others but I don’t know what happened we just all stopped talking?,I remember in after school I hated it so t was ASS literally the teachers didn’t like me at all they’d always yell at everyone they basically neglected us all even the little kindergarteners😭 anyways another thing in after school was my tennis coach I forgot his name but he was well a bit weird or I think at least he would only remember my name besides all the other kids he was teaching and their weren’t many what I really didn’t like was how uncomfortable he made me he would stare at my ass a lot and not only I would notice but also a lot of other kids would tell me which in my opinion made it well worse I left like half way through him teaching and than came back and I saw him for one week before he left I don’t know weather he quit or whatever, 6th grade:I remember getting ezcama so bad like really bad uh anyway I was lonely at one point when Samantha and Merlyn and my other friend Shawn stop being friends with me for some reason they’d always host secret meetings without me and be like “oh can u go over there we’re going to talk” I’d just saying okay and leave after they stopped being my friends I became friends with Melissa my now best friend uhm I was feeling way better this grade like yeah but than I don’t know I guess it got ruined by my emotions, 7th grade:mmm not the worst in a way beginning of the year I felt like a pick me ass cuz that’s the year I started acting how I felt and told almost all my friends MY business something stupid I shouldn’t have done this year was the year I lost a lot of weight believe it or not i found a way to not eat cool I know lmao anyways this school year was draining as hell I started cutting myself like actually and I was hella happy for some reason then after I started dressing how I felt or like my style or whatever my mom started suddenly noticing?? Like I’ve been like this since I was 9 or 8 and now you’re suddenly worried because of how I’m dressing?? Then she caught me cutting blah blah blah I still do not as much tho it drains me to do anything she tried getting me a sociologist at one point I was NO they won’t help trust me they really won’t oh that was the year i attempted at suicide like 5 times one drowning then hanging my self then ALMOST slicing my neck then Overdose TWICE, non worked 🫩 cuz I was too pussy honestly I don’t care anymore my mom can hit me criticizing me find out I still cut myself have Instagram have Snapchat find this anything I don’t care anymore I mean we all die one day so what’s the point in caring idk either I know what’s wrong with me so I don’t need help or do but not? Honestly I’m so fucking tired and irritated like I just hate everything and everyone I just I wanna die or leave without a trace I don’t care I just I wanna be normal NORMAL I don’t want to have these disgusting thoughts I don’t wanna hump my fucking bed I don’t want to be sad I don’t want to cut myself I don’t want my life I don’t wanna be happy I don’t wanna live I don’t wanna grow up I don’t want a job I don’t want nothing I don’t care I want to die I want to stop being like this, this way I fucking hate it if I can’t stop hating myself for my body and my actions, that will be the death of me I want to believe in god in Jesus but I won’t I won’t because if he doesn’t help those who have had bad ass life’s what makes you think he’ll help me? I want to be normal again give me my innocences back please make me want my life please I don’t want to hate everyone including myself I want to love everyone with all my heart but I think I’m done waiting for live to get better I know what I will do in the future I know and I won’t change my mind not for my brothers not for my parents not for some dude not for anyone I have to say I don’t care okay? I just wanna die.

I’m just so upset that there’s a chance we cant do all the little things I wanted to do, that’s what I get for fantasizing to much, because I REALLY wanted to get high and eat brownies with you, you deserve a good real brownie, made from love, and my love is the best love yo, especially when it comes to baking, it’s too bad I can’t get a clear sign on your arrival yet, I hate that so bad, I hate it, I still feel like I care more than you, but then I tend to remember you saying you would spend a lot of your time trying to figure me out, not just thinking about me romantically like you’d think about a crush, like ACTUALLY try to figure out every little piece of me, that really stuck with me, you’re the only person that cared about me on a deep level, it also stuck with me when you said I’m the first person to give you an in depth reason on why I like your energy, I love that those words made you feel happy, because everything I said was true, all my friends wanted you out my life and I still stayed, idk why… even when you asked why am I staying even if they wanted you gone, I still had no clear idea on why, I just knew to keep you in my life, I hope I don’t regret that?? because I truly hate wasting my time, that’s the number one thing that pisses me off jitterbug… I have faith..

martin, i wish you could see me. somehow i keep on losing people in my life and i feel as if no one sees me for who i am. my intentions are always misunderstood and fundamentally, nobody knows me as a person. my true interests, my beliefs, its a lost cause. but i know you would. you would understand even if you couldn’t understand. and this is why i miss you the most. i cant even express myself fully in words but with you, i dont have to. i have changed alot, and i am stable now. i am happy and content now. even if it seems as if things come crashing down around me. i dont waver. i hope you’re proud of that tin. ive really tried my best to get there. and im okay with it. im quite proud of myself, i havent told anyone this before. i believe you’d be too. i miss you martin, and i love you endlessly and eternally. yours always, nova

Hi sasha, sorry

I know we're still in fourth grade, and we're both boys, but I feel like I might have a crush on you. I'm being serious. I know it might be weird, but I think I do. I hope this doesn't make things weird. -Ivy

Hey, I don't even know what to write about you here. I just thought about you today. It's been months now, but I could not move. I tried and tried and tried. Now, I don't think about you much. It is hard for me, but what else can I do? We don't talk now but back then you were the only one for me. You were the safest space for me, I can't go back, can I? You promised me that you would never leave me in the middle of nowhere but you always did that and this time too. But why? Because everyone said that you were ruining my life?Because that's what you told me when I asked you why you left me like that. You did not even try nor did I. Well, what's left of me. What can I say? I soemtimes wonder if everything we had was all just fake? because what do you mean your world revolved around me till yesterday but today I'm no more in your life. You said you wanted to live under the same roof as me, you promised me to make that happen but you left.. I hope you win in life no matter what. I'll always be proud of you. Goodbye.

Only you can live your life, so don't make decisions solely to please others. Take care of yourself and prioritize your own happiness too. You matter

I love you guys, dearly. To the point na kaya ko igugol buong buhay ko para sainyo pero dumarating ba sa point na na-appreciate niyo man lang ako? Most of the time, ang napapansin niyo sakin ang pagiging lagi kong galit. Pero inaalam niyo ba kung san nangagaling yun? Inaalam niyo ba na baka may pagkukulang din kayo sakin? Hindi porket ako yung "ate", yung panganay , e ako lang ang may mali. Sana man lang dumating ang araw na magpa- salamat kayo at humingi ng pasensya kasi kailangan na kailangan ko yun. Pag natanggap ko yan, magiging okay na ako ulit. Please, kasi kayo ang rason kung bat ko pinipilit na mabuhay sa araw-araw. Love, Ate

Dear Jess Okay. Not only are the chances that you ever see this low, but it’s also a good bet that I delete this the minute I finish writing it. So I’ll try to get to the point. I love you. Hmmmm. When it’s written like that you realize why classic songwriters and poets often relate the word “fool” to that phrase. “I love you.” It really feels….foolish. I met you at work in 2018. Almost 8 years ago as of this writing. First thought? “She’s cute.” My first memory is of talking to you at that island in the kitchen. I think you were wearing jeans. Standing upright, hands on the island counter. Feet together. Smiling. Yes, dimples. I’m sure this memory is an amalgam of many kitchen meetings. But it’s been condensed into one memory. Love at first sight? No. Just “She’s cute”. My next memory? The Christmas party. I call this our second meeting. Though again I’m sure we’d met & talked numerous times before that. Before that night you were just the “She’s cute” girl from Philly who lived in Australia for a while. My memory of the Christmas party is us talking about movies. It seemed like hours even though it also seemed to pass in seconds, corny as that sounds. Was I leaning on some sort of structural beam at that bar? I know I was trying to look casual. You were talking and listening and smiling. And most of all, looking right at me. Which bought up a question. Why? Why is this lovely woman, co-worker, American but a world traveler, who is clearly smart and a movie fan, but also just so beautiful, spending so much time and focus on me? It really didn’t make sense to me. Even if you don’t have any romantic feelings for me I still don’t understand your clearly real, and caring friendship for me. Not that I don’t have friends or people who enjoy my company. I have my moments. But I’m annoying. I’m old (compared to you as you found out a few years later at that magical bluegrass show). I don’t think I’m an ogre but I’m also not someone whose physical charms command a room. I think I make a good first impression. But it usually tapers off after that. Romantic or not. People get get fed up with me. I get fed up with myself. It didn’t taper off. Is she a saint? Is this some gracious act of charity? Movie Club, Yoga, then Covid. Zoom Movie Club, Zoom Yoga and best of all the texts. “Wanna meet up at for a bagel?” Me? Meet you? Jess? For a bagel? During a pandemic? Uh….yeah. The rest is a blur. A six year blur. Movies. Cocktails. Candy shop. Silent disco. Pier 17. Live Music. The roof top. The talk on the roof. 2024? If you stole my heart at the 2018 Christmas party, you stole my soul on the roof of your building that night. You shared your darker side. Your vulnerability. Maybe you thought it would scare me away. It had the opposite effect. I have many feelings for you. Romantic. Paternal. Sibling. I’m also very attracted to you so it’s all confusing. But that night I both fell in love with you more deeply AND I got terrified. Because of my family’s history your dark side fills me with a bit of dread. Let me I interrupt this love letter to say clearly. Please do not hurt yourself. Please. Not just because it would make it hard for me to go on. But because as someone who’s at the very least seen how painful life can be. You must know that it really does change. It always does. The pain goes away. The pain goes away. Eventually. Okay. Back to my fools song. Did I say I love you? I really think I do. I hope it’s not a burden. I wanna be clear again. You owe me NOTHING. Falling in love with someone should really have little or no bearing on the beloved in my opinion. Of course it does. But it shouldn’t. You owe me nothing. I’m in YOUR debt. Even if this letter ends our friendship (hope not!) I need you to know that in many ways our relationship has sort of saved my life. As you know my younger daughter Ruby died in 2016. I buried myself in work. My wife sort of stopped working. Her & I dealt with the grief in differnt ways. I wrote some songs about it which also helps. But here’s my thing. I’ve had people die in my life. The ONLY way I’ve moved on is forward. Not forgetting the passed loved one but having something else to focus on beside their death. Basketball was that for me. I think it’s why this Knicks run feels really special to me. When my Dad died at 50 I was just 20 and living at home. Still a teenager in many ways. A kid. After he died, for at least the next year or so, I got up every morning and went down to the basketball courts at Riverside Park and shot baskets for almost two hours every day. I had played basketball with my dad a bit. He wasn’t a huge fan. But he liked it enough to excite my younger brother and I about it. But after he died it became the way for me to physically grieve. To put the energy of my grief (that may sound strange but I view grief as an energy) into something physical. Something positive. Something to look forward to. I looked forward to playing basketball. It both reminded me of my Dad but it was also something new I could concentrate on. You Jess, or at least my fascination with you, was something for me to look forward to. Something new and life affirming to get my mind moving forward again. And then, as I got to know you more and we became true friends, your ambition and love of music & movies along with your insecurities and dark thoughts that you felt safe enough to share with me reminded me of my lovely daughter. I hope it’s not too weird to put that connection into words in the context of a letter confessing my romantic love for you. I compartmentalize the different feelings I have for you. As a work colleague. As a friend. As a muse. And as an object of my desire. They are all sort of separate. So when I found you might have some (hopefully just SOME) traits that remind me of Ruby I hope you know that these separate images I have of you are indeed that. Separate. They only overlap in the sense that you seem to embody so many conflicting places in my life. You also remind me of my Mom a bit too if that makes it any better. (Doubtful. Ha!) You simply contain multitudes! Or I project multitudes onto you? Like onto a Cloud. (Ha!) What I’m trying to say is that I care about you in so many ways now. And I hope I don’t let my attraction to you cloud (again!) my true and real concern for your well being. I’m babbling. Which is fine. Since I’ll never show this to you. But if I drop dead and my wife or someone finds this letter in my data and shows it to you. Just know this. For close to a decade you’ve been a shinning light in my life. You’ve truly helped heal me, as much as I can be healed. You’re beautiful, both inside and out. You’re a caring and trusting friend. You’re a talented and loving creative person. You’re a focused and sensitive film fan. I would love to endlessly stare into everything from fire to end credits with you for eternity. But just talking to you and hanging out with you will have to suffice if that’s the best we’ll ever have to offer each other. That’s it. There’s more I want to say but I also want to learn to shut up and listen more. So I’m gonna shut up and listen to your imaginary responses to the letter. Which I’m sure will contain multitudes. Love, B

You passed away today. I love you. I'm so so sorry. My little boy, Bobby, Wilby boy 🤍 My heart is so broken You were so loved

happiest birthday, rencezy! I hope this message finds you well and puts a smile on your face today. I just want you to know how much I appreciate you. Thank you for your patience, understanding, and for respecting the boundaries and convictions that I hold close. It means a lot to me that you chose to honor those things. I know we're both still growing individually and walking through different seasons of life, but I'm grateful for the kindness and sincerity you've shown to me. I know life hasn't been easy for you, especially with your studies. Pero, malapit ka na. Never back down and never give up ha? hahaha. Whenever things get difficult, remember that the Lord who called you is faithful, and He will continue to sustain you. Makakatapos ka rin. Keep going. Don't lose heart. Most importantly, continue to serve the Lord and deepen your relationship with Him. Continue seeking Him in every season of your life. Continue being a light to the people around you. Let Him remain at the center of every area of your life. I pray that you become the man God is calling you to be—not for the approval of others, but for His glory alone. Happy Birthday again, Rencezy. I'm grateful that God allowed our paths to cross. May you love to celebrate your birthday every single year. ; ) God bless you! ps. huwag ka muna ma stress, birthday mo e. Pahinga ka muna hbd ; )

whenever I see a notification from your instagram stories, I always hope it isn't something that will break my heart. It's pathetic, I know. You keep posting about him. and it hurts. It really does. I wish, just for once, you could look at me the way you look at him. maybe that's selfish. but it's the truth.

I really wish you knew how my heart yearned for you over a long period of time while in uni I really loved you it grew over i was so happy every time I got a chance near you i wrote long paragraphs letter at night trying to express my feelings for you as they were so heavy in my heart i loved you and i got jealous of the girls around thinking maybe one of them will fall inlove with you I tested you as for wellness but you rarely reciprocated so I’ve learned to let go and unlove you thank you you’ve taught my heart that i can also love even without touching or talking byee Maybe In another life ~S

I miss you. You were like no one else. There will be others, but none like you.

dear komang , sy mintaaa maafff yaaaa udahhh buattt kamuuuu keselll samaaa sikappp sy yanggg beginiii sy harappp kamuuu gaaa bosennn , sy sayanggg bangettt samaaa kamuuu bagiiii sy kamuuu tuuu spesiallll bangetttt kamuuu sempurnaaa kamuuu udahhh adaaa tempattt khususs di hatiii sy , u alwayss perfectt and alwayss be the numberrr onee in my hearttt , maafinnn sy yaaaa . i loveee uu sooooo muchhh pleaseee donttt leaveee meee , i willl do anythinggg forrr uuuu

‎Lang naa lng ko ishare, I know we're not together pa, and I'm not expecting perfection from u. I just wanted to be honest because I've noticed some changes, and sometimes I find myself missing the way u used to express ur feelings. I value honesty between us, so I thought it's better to share this kaysa ikeep nako sa akong sarili. ‎ ‎Lately man gud lang, murag sunod sunod pg atake sa sadness sakoa ba Idunno why maybe it's bc's I miss us kabalo man ko nga love kaayo ko nimo, and I really appreciate that jud lang and wala ko naga doubt saimong love for me, kay gina pa feel man gihapon nimo na love ko nimo. ‎ ‎Pero usahay, ma miss lang jud nako tong pagiging expressive nimo sauna lang kanang pagiging open nimo ba, katong sturya diri sturya ddto and how u express ur love to me in detail, through notes, messages, ug bisan sa myday nimo. ‎ ‎usahay inig mata nko ma remember nko tung mga mssgs nimo sauna, katong random appreciations ug sweet words nimo while tulog ko or unsa ba. I'm not asking u lang para ibalik to tanan exactly the way it was before, pero mamiss lang jud nako tong feeling nga grabe ka ka-expressive saimoha feelings para sakoa and I'm really sorry jud lang ha for missing it. ‎ ‎Kabalo ko nga normal ra jud nga naay changes sa usa ka relationship as time goes by. People grow, situations change, and naa pud tay mga personal nga ginaatubang sa atong life labi na ikw lang daghan kykag problema and some of those wla nimo gina ingon sakoa and ako pud may prob na dipud nko maingon saimoha. I want u to know na naa rako dire pirme para saimoha even though nga layo ta sa usag usa. ‎ ‎I want u to know lang nga naa ra ko diri pirme para saimoha, bisag layo ta sa usag usa. Diman nako masulbad tanan nimong problea, pero willing ko maminaw ug mo sabot saimoha. ‎ ‎And I hope lang nga dili tungod kay naa tay kanya-kanyang problema sa kinabuhi, makalimtan nato ang kung unsa ang naa ta ky para sa akoa, when life gets hard, mas kinahanglan nato ang usag usa. Supposed to be we're helping and understanding each other, not letting our problems pull us apart. ‎ ‎I'm sorry lang kung naa man koy ma feel ani, dili tungod ky dika enough or dili tungod ky wala nakoy ma appreciate saimong efforts karon. In fact, grateful kaayo ko nga naa gihapon ka, nga love gihapon ko nimo, ug nga despite sa tanan nimo ginaagian, gina pili gihapon ko nimo adlaw-adlaw. ‎I just miss those little things sometimes. Katong mga butang nga murag gamay ra para sa uban pero dako kaayo ug impact sa akoa. ‎ ‎Gusto ra nako ni ishare sa imoha, dili para mag-complain ko, but bc's I want to be open with u and para masabtan nimo unsa akong nafeel. I don't want to keep these feelings to myself kay ikw man akong safe place ug ikaw sad ang person nga gusto nako makasabot sa akoa. Lang, I still love u the same, and maybe that's why I miss those moments so much. ‎

You were my everything. I made gifts for you with my art, I bought gifts for you for when we would meet one day. I loved you in the way I knew how to express it best. By giving someone something I knew they loved. That calander, that necklace, that drawing was a piece of my heart I let you hold, that you tore apart so easily without a care in the world. Only to be told you never loved me. The truth is, I have always loved you, but I stayed back since you kept making it clear you were not interested. And I will make it stay that way because I don't want to do something if someone else doesn't want to do it. What was the point of telling me you thought of getting married? Was it just all a big game to you for nudes, or something to jerk off to? Was I just a replacement for something you needed but didn't get? I often wonder if you were cheating on me the entire time, with how much you talked about her, but never hung out with me. It drove me nuts, and I had enough. Just to hear you tell me it was never real in the first place for you. You never loved me, I think you loved the idea of me. And that's what hurts the most. I'm not something to constantly toss away, or ignore, or keep hidden. I'm an actual human being with my own feelings, life, etc. I can't bare to be around you again cause you made it very clear what you would do if it happened. You said you'd make a good teen father, but why should I trust that if you leave every few months? I would be a fool to trust that, ever in my life. I don't want to love you, but I probably will for a while, until I finally decide to put myself before you who barely ever showed up. Don't come back into my life, especially if you are just going to leave again. I tried to show you in everyway I could that I cherished our relationship so much, but clearly it never mattered to you. Have a good life. Sincerely, H, formerly, S.

hello theree , how are youu? it's been 3 years since we broke up , i missed you , no i don't think abt you anymoree , i wrote this letter just wanna say , be happy with her , u guys are meant for each other , make her happy , like u made me the happiest girl ever , yes i have forgotten about everything between us , but seeing you today , we made eye contact for like ever since we broken up we never even wanted to approach each other , we saw each other i knew i should write something to appreciate you , i just wanna say i loved you , be happy always stranger , make her the most happiest girl you ever made , appreciate her , love her okay? see you when i see you !