I guard my heart off from you. I still see you everyday, wishing I wouldn't have to because it would make moving on so much easier. you keep talking to me and its so confusing, I just want my peace and you can't even give me that. YOU were the one that messed everything up. YOU ended the relationship and now you're crawling back. you constantly hurt me for 5 months and everyday I still chose you. you chose everything before me, yet for some reason you still keep coming back. I can't trust that this time is going to be different. I tried moving on and I actually liked this guy but it just didn't work out because of personal things going on in his life and now it's just you constantly everywhere. I tried and tried for you and all you did is push me away and now you're begging to come back. why should I let you back in? after everything, you want full access to me and my life again? you told me you noticed the way I've become cold towards you and how it makes you feel, and how every time you see me with him you feel like shit. well welcome to the club because that's how I felt for the longest time when I was always just an option to you and never a choice. you said everything is hitting you now and you know what I think? I hope it hits you so hard that you actually realize what a piece of shit you were to me. you said I'd never forgive you, but the truth is, I do forgive you. but I don't forget. I don't forget the way I felt, the way I cried, the way I begged god for some relief because all you gave me was anxiety. I do miss the good times, the memories, how you made me feel when we weren't fighting, but why would I go back when you hurt me that much? I have to protect myself and unless you show change, why would I ever give you another chance at my trust again? I never stopped loving you, but that love is given at a very long, cold distance now and I'm not sure it'll ever be close and warm again. I'm not giving my everything to a person if they aren't willing to do the same, I've learned my lesson. I love you, but I'll never love you the way I did again. sorry, not sorry. I have to worry about myself and my well-being first for once.