Never told you

I love you. I've sat with my thought quite too many times in why do I love you. I remember the first time I saw you.When I heard your mother passed away. Although I never knew you, I felt sad thinking that must be hard to lose your mother. I remember asking you how you were doing after your session. I don't remember a lot of things after that. but I remember I was in pain due to love. I remember you took me to the this beautiful cliff and we both sat in silence. I did not expect anything out of it. but I remember you telling me about your mom and shedding a tear. I didn't know what to say. but I could see you feeling it and sit beside you. I remember you telling me you were married.Although I did not feel anything more I wanted to see you again.Perhaps I was lonely in a new country. I realized slowly I wanted to see you more often. When things moved too fast. I felt guilty and ashamed to be liking someone who was married. I was questioning my self worth when I was waiting for you to reach out to me while you only saw me as an escape and a secret. For someone as sensitive as me, I knew the repurcussions of this how much it would weigh on me later. BUt to me I wanted to see you as much as I can while I was still there. I do not quite know how to explain what I feel for you. Its a contradictory feeling of earlier knowing and also sense of happiness that I feel when I'm with you. I am very secure in myself and have no intentions to ruin a marriage. A lot of times I felt selfish for liking you. However it took me sometime to realize, heart wants what it wants as it can not really understand reason, logic, sociatal expectations and responsibilities. It felt like my soul, heart and body knew you from before. I know this sounds stupid and illogical and selfish and society frowns upon this... but I have tears in my eyes while I write this. I truely love you.I have spent a long time denying it can't be love. I remember kissing the guy I was dating and wishing it was. I hated being touched by him. I knew I loved you. I did not quite know how to tell you I love you. I truely wish you all the happiness in the world for you and your family.....but this weight of being in love with you and not have you is eating me alive. I wish I could see you again, hold you ... kiss you and I would probably trade my rest of the life for that. On the other hand..... I know I deserve better. I know I deserve someone who chooses me... someone who doesn't keep me as a secret. I want to walk along the beach with someone I'm in love with.... not just at night when the city is asleep. My heart is sometimes filled with so much anger towards you because you should've left me alone from the beginning. I have immesurable sadness that I can not see you again.I also have so much love for you that I don't know where to put. I can not help but ask myself am I too desperate for love that I accepting it from wrong places??? not really.... I am a decently secure person. I live quite contently by myself... are there no better suitors , connection with whom it is realistically possible?? there are... somehow I don't feel anything towards them. Am I idealising this connections or love simply because its unrealistic or due to my childhood trauma of trying to gain difficult love? I don't know..... Is this destiny? why would god want me to love an already married man... I just want you to know I love you with all my heart.

Hey Kishor, Ippo ethukaga itha ready panni irukana naama ippa la seriya pesikirathu illa and we dont have enough time to communicate. So enaku enna la unta sollanum and share pannanum nu thonutho atha ellam ithula iruku pah 💬💔 Ippo la namakkula neraiya sanda varuthu 😞 and na tha unta neraiya kova paduran kathuran 😣, ithu ellam ipo konja naala nadakuthu. Ithukana oru main reason enna na namma munna maari seriya time spend pannathathu tha ⏳💭. Because naama seriya time spend pannathathu naala na neraiya yosikiran 🤯 and automatic enaku chinna chinna bayam varuthu enakulla 😔💭. Intha bayam ethanaala varuthunu na solran. Naama pesa start panna period of time you gave me all those importance and priority 💖. Aana ippa naal aaga aaga athu ellamey koranjitu varuthu da 📉😞, athu enaku suthama pudikala and bayama iruku 😢, enga ini ipdi tha irukamo nu 😟. Ne nenaicha enkooda munna maari nalla time spend pannalam ana ne atha panna maatangura athu tha yen nu thrla 🤷‍♀️💔. Ne enna yosikira yen ipdi iruka nu thrla but ana konjam hurt aaguthu 😞. Enaku therila ne atha mathika try panriya illa ya nu ana sometimes athu romba lonely ah feel panna vakkithu pah 🥺💔. Enakuu ethanala ipdi bayam varuthu and yen ipdi la yosikran nu ne nenaikalam ana athu ellathukum oru reason iruku 💭. Chinna vayasula irunthu yaaru perusa enaku attention thanthathu illa 😞, yaarum prioratize pannathu illa 💔. Eppavumey ellarukum oru backup being ah tha irunthu irukan 😔, I mean oru backup friend, backup sister, and love pathi sollavey vendam 💔… ipdi tha iruku yennoda life. Even ennoda family kooda perusa support pannathu illa 😞🏠. Unaku theriyum enaku sports , kavithai and stage la pesurathu la romba pudikum nu. Oru period of time la enaku pudicha intha chinna chinna vishiyatha panna kooda na romba kasta pattu irukan 😔. First time na kavithai eluthurathu enga veetula therinjappo avunga yaarumey enaku support pannala , athuku pathil ennaiya semmaya adichanga 😢💔 ethuku itha la eluthura unaku enna vayasu itha la eluthalama nu ennaiya adichanga da 😞. Ennaiya suthi iruntha ellarum ennaku support pannaga ❤️ ennoda frnds aprm teachers nu ellrum ennoda family ah thavira 😔. Ana athaiyum meeri na avunga yaaruku theriyama eluthitu irunthan ✍️💭. Appo athu mela enaku verupu varala ana eppo ennoda kavithai book la publish aacho 📖✨ appothula irunthu enaku support panna start panitanga 👏, ennaiya encourage pannanga , appo kavithai mela enaku oru verupu vanthuchu 😞💔, athula irunthu na eluthuratha kammi pannitan and ipo la elurathey illa 🥀. And next na sports pona starting la laam neriaya aluthu irukan 😢 because oru oru oru time uhm na practice porathuku munnadi neraiya sanda varum veetula 😞. Even enooda cycle key ya la vaangi vachikittanga na poga koodathu nu . Na sports porathu avungaluku suthama pudikathu 😔. Na track la odurathuku munndai yosipan cha appa vantha nalla irukum 🥺, ippo na oduratha appa paatha nalla iruku nu la yosichi irukan 💔. Oru naal kooda na oduratha enga appa pathathu illa 😞, athu oru yekkamavey irukum enakulla 💭💔. Later na indivudal championship cup vangi 🏆 prove pannan enaku sports na evlo mukkiyam odurathu evlo pudikum nu ❤️🏃‍♀️. Athuku aprm tha ennaiya thittama enta sanda podama ennaiya sports ku anupunanga 😐. Itha ellam kekurappo sirippa irukalam 😅 may be chinna vishiyama kooda nenaikalam ana ithu ellam ennaiya neraiya traumatize panni iruku 💔😞. Oru kattathula enkau pudichathu ellamey intha maari vihiyathaala enkau pudikalamaley poiduchu 😔. Ippo nenaicha kooda ennala kavithai elutha mudiyum thirumba sports poga mudiyum ana itha ethayum na pana matan yaa na ithu ethumey enaku pudikala pah 🥀. Ennoda 12th result kammi aanathu kooda intha maari oru reason naala tha 😞. Enaku padikirathu kooda romba pudikum ❤️. Athukaga first rank matum tha vaanganum nu yosichathu ila ana oru maari pudikum . Eppo 10th result vanthucho appo la irunthu padikirathum pudikama poiduchu 😞. Appo konjam tha verupu vanthuchu padippu mela then 11th result vanthathuku aprm padippey pudikama poiduchu 😔💔. Athuvum intha 12th result appo la yaa inu vaalrom nu la thonuchu 😞… neraiya naal saagalam nu la yosichi irukan 💔🥀. Aprm konja naal ku aprm nalla tha pesunanga veetula ana enaku tha padikirathu pudikamaley poiduchu 😔. Innaiku varaiku na nalla irukana ellam seriya iruka nu yaarum ketathu illa 😞. Eppovumey enna suthi irukavunga nalla irukanga la nu tha pathu irukan ❤️… enakaga na yosichathey illa 😔. Mukkiyamanathu enna na yen life la ennoda appa voda presence romba kammi 💔..yen apdi solran na matha appa maari ennoda appa enta close la illa, enaku enna venumo atha elamey pannuvaru ana proper ah pesi kittathu illa. enaku enna venumo athu yellamey yen kaila irukum athula la entha koraiyum vachathu illa yen appa.may be na kooda soli irukalam avaru ta ana sonnathu tha lla. na stage la pesuratha track la oduratha aprm na eluthuratha la ennoda appa paakanum nu neraiya aasa pattu irukan ana ithu ethukumey yen appa vanthathu illa. epdi appa voda presence yen life la illamaley iruku athey maari unnoda presence uhm illama poidumo nu tha bayama iruku.atha na la na unta kova padurathu, enta pesu yenkooda seriya time spend pannu nu solrathu.sola pona ennaiya love panra paiyanavathu ipdi irukama irukanum tha na yosichi irukan. ana ipa na bayantha maari tha aaguthu, ne seriya enta pesurathey illa,day full ah pesa solli kekala atleast antha phone time 1hr la yaavathu ennaiya prioritize panni enta pesu nu tha kekuran unta. intha reels ku react panrathu aprm notes ku reply panrathu text panrathu la china vishayam tha ana atha kooda ne ippo la panrathu illa, sometimes thonum na ipdi irukurathunaala enga ne ennaiya alachiya pabaduthuriyo nu. unta na expensive gifts surprises la na kekala and atha na kekavum maatan I am just asking your time care and love. and thonum inga na ipdi irukaruthana ne veruthuduviyo nu. yen appovoda time spend panna pesala na yengi irukan ipavum yengitu tha irukan, pls unnoda pesence kaagavum ennaiya apdi yenga vaikatha, athu romba kastam pah. neraiya naal unta itha pesalam share pannalam nu antha 1hr time call pannuvan ana ne ethachu oru reason sollitu poiduva illa na line tha irupa ana anga pakkathula pesitu.antha maari time la romba kastama iruku enga life epdiyeh poidumo nu. ennaiya thaniya vitratha pah. Epdi appa voda presence yen life la illamaley iruku athey maari unnoda presence uhm illama poidumo nu tha bayama iruku 😢💔. Atha naala na unta kova padurathu 😞, enta pesu yenkooda seriya time spend pannu nu solrathu 💬❤️. Atleast antha phone time 1hr la yaavathu ennaiya prioritize panni enta pesu nu tha kekuran 📱🥺. I am just asking your time care and love 💖… Pls unnoda presence kaagavum ennaiya apdi yenga vaikatha 😞💔, athu romba kastam pah 🥺. **and na sonnala na enna feel panra na ok va yaaru ketathu illa nu nee kooda apdi tha iruka pah 😞, na yen apdi solran na antha vino irukaru la avaru vishiyathula ne apdi tha iruntha 💔. na epdi irukan ok va enna feel panran nu ne oru vartha kooda kekala 😔 ana na sonnan unta enaku ipdi la feel aaguthu nu 💬 ana ne atha oru maari solli kaamicha athu enaku suthama pudikala pah 😞💔, ithu ellam iru matter ah ipo iruka generation la ithu ellam simple easy ah eduthukanum nu sonna 😕. ne aruthal sollala na kooda paravala ana ipdi oru maari pesi hurt pannatha 😢. yaara irunthalum oru comfort kedaikatha u yosipanga 💭, antha comfort unta kedaikum nu vanthan ana illa 💔. yen veetula sona ennaiya purinjika maatanga nu tha aunga kitta sollama unta sonan 😔 ana neeyum ennaiya purinjikaama tha pesuna 💔, pls apdi irukatha pah 🙏💔**

Hey Kishor, Ippo ethukaga itha ready panni irukana naama ippa la seriya pesikirathu illa and we dont have enough time to communicate. So enaku enna la unta sollanum and share pannanum nu thonutho atha ellam ithula iruku pah. Ippo la namakkula neraiya sanda varuthu and na tha unta neraiya kova paduran kathuran, ithu ellam ipo konja naala nadakuthu. Ithukana oru main reason enna na namma munna maari seriya time spend pannathathu tha. Because naama seriya time spend pannathathu naala na neraiya yosikiran and automatic enaku chinna chinna bayam varuthu enakulla.Intha bayam ethanaala varuthunu na solran. Naama pesa start panna period of time you gave me all those importance and priority. Aana ippa naal aaga aaga athu ellamey koranjitu varuthu da,athu enaku suthama pudikala and bayama iruku ,inga ini ipdi tha irukamo nu. ne nenaicha enkooda munna maari nalla time spend pannalam ana ne atha panna maatangura athu tha yen nu thrla .Ne enna yosikira yen ipdi iruka nu thrla but ana konjam hurt aaguthu . Enaku therila ne atha mathika try panriya illa ya nu ana sometimes athu romba lonely ah feel panna vakkithu pah. Enakuu ethanala ipdi bayam varuthu and yen ipdi la yosikran nu ne nenaikalam ana athu ellathukum oru reason iruku . Chinna vayasula irunthu yaaru perusa enaku attention thanthathu illa yaarum prioratize pannathu illa.Eppavumey ellarukum oru backup being ah tha irunthu irukan ,I mean oru backup friend, backup sister, and love pathi sollavey vendam ,ipdi tha iruku yennoda life.Even ennoda family kooda perusa support pannathu illa. Unaku theriyum enaku sports kavithai and stage la pesurathu la romba pudikum nu . Oru period of time la enaku pudicha intha chinna chinna vishiyatha panna kooda na romba kasta pattu irukan. First time na kavithai eluthurathu enga veetula therinjappo avunga yaarumey enaku support pannala , athuku pathil ennaiya semmaya adichanga ethuku itha la eluthura unaku enna vayasu itha la eluthalama nu ennaiya adichanga da.ennaiya suthi iruntha ellarum ennaku support pannaga ennoda frnds aprm teachers nu ellrum ennoda family ah thavira. Ana athaiyum meeri na avunga yaaruku theriyama eluthitu irunthan.Appo athu mela enaku verupu varala ana eppo ennoda kavithai book la publish aacho appothula irunthu enaku support panna start panitanga .Ennaiya encourage pannanga , appo kavithai mela enaku oru verupu vanthuchu ,athula irunthu na eluthuratha kammi pannitan and ipo la elurathey illa. And next na sports pona starting la laam neriaya aluthu irukan.because oru oru time uhm na practice porathuku munnadi neraiya sanda varum veetula. even enooda cycle key ya la vaangi vachikittanga na poga koodathu nu. Na sports porathu avungaluku suthama pudikathu. Na track la odurathuku munndai yosipan cha appa vantha nalla irukum , ippo na oduratha appa paatha nalla iruku nu la yosichi irukan . Oru naal kooda na oduratha enga appa pathathu illa ,athu oru yekkamavey irukum enakulla. Later na indivudal championship cup vangi prove pannan enaku sports na evlo mukkiyam odurathu evlo pudikum nu .Athuku aprm tha ennaiya thittama enta sanda podama ennaiya sports ku anupunanga. Itha ellam kekurappo sirippa irukalam may be chinna vishiyama kooda nenaikalam ana ithu ellam ennaiya neraiya traumatize panni iruku .oru kattathula enkau pudichathu ellamey intha maari vihiyathaala enkau pudikalamaley poiduchu.Ippo nenaicha kooda ennala kavithai elutha mudiyum thirumba sports poga mudiyum ana itha ethayum na pana matan yaa na ithu ethumey enaku pudikala pah. Ennoda 12th result kammi aanathu kooda intha maari oru reason naala tha. enaku padikirathu kooda romba pudikum. athukaga first rank matum tha vaanganum nu yosichathu ila . oru maari pudikum ana. 10th la eppovum padichitu tha irupan solla pona bore kooda adikathu . early mrg padipan day time ka padipan konja neram n8 oru 10 vara la padipan . eppo 10th result vanthucho appo la irunthu padikirathum pudikama poiduchu. appo konjam tha verupu vanthuchu padippu mela then 11th result vanthathuku aprm padippey pudikama poiduchu. Yaa nu ne yosikalam yen na na avlo hurt aanan, na romba bad ah treat panna pattan enga veetula. athuvum intha 12th result appo la yaa inu vaalrom nu la thonuchu, neraiya naal saagalam nu la yosichi irukan.enooda appa enta oru 20 days kitta pesama iruntharu aprm oru naal n8 enna la pesa koodatho enna vartha la solla kodatho atha ellam solli thittunaru enta kathunaru ella traumas nu nadanthuchu. Aprm konja naal ku aprm nalla tha pesunanga veetula ana enaku tha padikirathu pudikamaley poiduchu. because they didnt accept me as how i am being, instead they asked me to live how they where said end expected.ippo kooda etho kadamaiku tha padichitu irukan,padicha tha work ku poga mudiyum apo tha veedu katta mudiyum nu. innaiku varaiku na nala irukana ellam seriya iruka nu yaarum ketathu illa enga veetula. avungala porutha varaikum ellam vaangi tharanga selavuku kaasu tharanga so na happy ah irukan, avlo tha. na ok va nu oru naal kooda keta illa, ethachu hurt aagutha nu kooda ketathu illa. Eppovum soluvanga ne epdi irukiyo apdi tha unaku aprm iruka rendu perum irupanga nu . atha naalaiye ethu pannanum naalu yosichi tha pannuvan. and athu bayam ah maariduchu yen na na panrathu nala thambii thangachi ya affect pannita poiduthunu. eppiyumey oru parenting side la irunthu irukan. eppovumey enna suthi irukavunga nalla irukanga la nu tha pathu irukan.enakaga na yosichathey illa .neraiya naal aluthu irukan , ennoda kastatha keka kooda yaarum irunthathu illa.neraiya naal thaniya ninnu la polambi irkan aluthu irukan. ipo varaiku giving side la irukan , apo apo thonu oru vaati kooda receiving side la irka maatoma nu. ana apdi irunthathu illa .still ipo varaiku yaarukavathu ethaavathu venum na no sollama senji thanthutu tha irukan entha oru expectation illama. ana enkau nu oru help illa yartayaavathu ippa pesuna nalla irukum nu yosichi thirumbi paatha yaarumey iruka maatanga,ithu oru bitter truth ennoda life la. Mukkiyamanathu enna na yen life la ennoda appa voda presence romba kammi.yen apdi solran na matha appa maari ennoda appa enta close la illa, enaku enna venumo atha elamey pannuvaru ana proper ah pesi kittathu illa. enaku enna venumo athu yellamey yen kaila irukum athula la entha koraiyum vachathu illa yen appa.may be na kooda soli irukalam avaru ta ana sonnathu tha lla. na stage la pesuratha track la oduratha aprm na eluthuratha la ennoda appa paakanum nu neraiya aasa pattu irukan ana ithu ethukumey yen appa vanthathu illa. epdi appa voda presence yen life la illamaley iruku athey maari unnoda presence uhm illama poidumo nu tha bayama iruku.atha na la na unta kova padurathu, enta pesu yenkooda seriya time spend pannu nu solrathu.sola pona ennaiya love panra paiyanavathu ipdi irukama irukanum tha na yosichi irukan. ana ipa na bayantha maari tha aaguthu, ne seriya enta pesurathey illa,day full ah pesa solli kekala atleast antha phone time 1hr la yaavathu ennaiya prioritize panni enta pesu nu tha kekuran unta. intha reels ku react panrathu aprm notes ku reply panrathu text panrathu la china vishayam tha ana atha kooda ne ippo la panrathu illa, sometimes thonum na ipdi irukurathunaala enga ne ennaiya alachiya pabaduthuriyo nu. unta na expensive gifts surprises la na kekala and atha na kekavum maatan I am just asking your time care and love. and thonum inga na ipdi irukaruthana ne veruthuduviyo nu. yen appovoda time spend panna pesala na yengi irukan ipavum yengitu tha irukan, pls unnoda pesence kaagavum ennaiya apdi yenga vaikatha, athu romba kastam pah. neraiya naal unta itha pesalam share pannalam nu antha 1hr time call pannuvan ana ne ethachu oru reason sollitu poiduva illa na line tha irupa ana anga pakkathula pesitu.antha maari time la romba kastama iruku enga life epdiyeh poidumo nu. ennaiya thaniya vitratha pah.

My Dearest Lyra, my wondrous muse in sky, Can I be honest with you for a bit? I've been keeping this to myself for quite some time now. Dili man ni something super serious or dramatic, but it's something real something I've been quietly feeling every time we talk, every time I see you smile, and every time I remember small things about you. At first, I really thought it was just a simple but big love for you and ringo, kanang uy mobalik kapa ron. Pero as time passed, I realized nga it's more than that. Every time mag-chat ta, it feels light. Every time nga makatawa ka, I find myself smiling too even if wala ka sa akong atubangan. I started to look forward to your messages, to your replies, even to the most random things you say. Wala man ko nag-expect nga mo-like ka ug mo-gugma ka utro balik. Honestly, I'm fine if you don't. What matters to me is that I finally said it. Because for the longest time, I tried to act normal to pretend nga okay ra, nga wala koy gibati. Pero tinuod, naa gyud. Kanang feeling nga gusto lang nimo siya mahibaw-an, bisan dili mo mag-end up together. There were days nga l told myself to stop. Nga ayaw na, kay basin ma-fall ra ko ug ako ra'y masakitan. Pero every time nga muabot ka, every time nga makita nako imong name pop up sa screen, murag makalimot ko sa tanan reason nga gusto ko maglayo. You make things feel calm and happy at the same time. And maybe that's why I decided to write this. Not to make things awkward, not to force anything but just to be honest. Because you deserve to know. You deserve to know that someone out here genuinely admires you, pray and loves you from far. the way you talk, the way you laugh, the way you make others feel comfortable. You're one of those rare people nga bisan gamay lang imong effort, dako kaayo og effect. You have this simple charm that makes people want to stay. And I guess that's what happened to me, l stayed, quietly, admiring you from a distance, but always hoping you're doing fine and happy. I'm not expecting a reply, nor am l asking for anything. l just want to finally breathe. To let these words out nga dugay na kaayo nakatago sa akong heart. Kay bisan unsaon, lisod magpaka-okay kung naa kay gi-feel nga dili nimo masulti. So yeah, I love you and maybe I miss you so much didiw ko, you're more than I planned to. But it's okay. What's important is, you made me feel something real and for that, I'll always be grateful. DIDIWON KO KAM SOBRA. 🍎⭐🐙 unsaon ko man ug ruyag ko molingi ka diri sakon again, i planned this long time ago na ngano man motabo saton. ikaw gud ra karuyagon pakaslan. Love, Didiw asta🐙

My love, I have tried—unsuccessfully—to reduce you to language. To something I could hold still long enough to understand. But you refuse that kind of containment. You are not a thought I arrive at— you are what interrupts thought. There are moments—quiet, unremarkable ones— when I feel you most clearly. Not in grand gestures, but in the way the world shifts slightly as if making room for you even in your absence. I have known admiration, desire, attachment dressed convincingly as permanence— but this is something far less obedient. This does not ask for permission to exist. It does not wait for certainty. It does not negotiate. It simply is— with a kind of quiet authority that makes everything else feel provisional. You have altered the scale by which I measure things. Time, especially— it behaves differently now. An hour with you carries the weight of memory, while days without you pass like something unfinished. And still, I hesitate to call this love— not because it is lacking, but because the word feels insufficient, overused, careless in the mouths of those who have never had to mean it. What I feel for you resists ease. It sharpens me. It demands presence. It exposes every false version of myself I once thought convincing. And yet— if there is any certainty I trust, it is this: If there exists a place in this world where I am most undeniably myself, it is somewhere in relation to you. Not possessed. Not defined. But revealed. So I will not promise you forever— forever is a word too often spoken by those who do not understand time. But I will give you something more difficult: My attention, undivided. My truth, unsoftened. And whatever this is— this force that neither of us fully controls— I will not turn away from it. Not now. Not while it continues to choose us. Ever yours, in a way that does not end neatly.

It’s always been you in the moment. I think about you when I’m in class, when I’m trying to get ready in the mornings, when I fall asleep. You’re in my mind, all our memories. I remember in the summer when we were together all the time, I miss that so so much. I haven’t worn my locket in a long time. The one with your face in it. You and your baseball championship medal. The night I watched your game and I was alone the whole time. I think I should tell you now that I didn’t feel alone during the game. You apologized that I had to watch it alone, but I was never angry. I loved watching you so much. Maybe this summer I could watch again, but who knows. If you think it’s okay, come back. Please sweet Ryler, I miss you so much. I miss sneaking out to go to your house. I miss our 4am Pepsi runs. I miss going on runs at 6am. I know you hate running. I’m so sorry baby. I just miss you so much. If you come back, I’ll never make you go running with me again. We can walk if you want. We almost had a year, maybe we could try again and get a year. I love you and miss you so much sweet Ryler

Hello again! Sorry gid if I disturbed your supposedly quiet life na naman. This lil thing wasn’t even supposed to be a big deal, happy crush lang ba gwhutvajaisn. It’s just weird lang gid nga our last interaction felt like an “away” (at least for me), then everything shifted so suddenly. Not so fun fact: you’ve been showing up in my dreams like wadafuk 😭 not just for one night, but for a whole week taina. Maybe because I was kinda invested before things got chaotic. I tried to reason it out na lang before that I wasn’t planning to stay, especially when your words felt like sharp nails. That became my coping, kay I knew how stupid and naive my decisions were. Back to the present—honestly, I wasn’t planning to say any of this kay nahuya nako simo. I know may sala ko, and I def get why you were mad. Wala ko man abi kabalo nga it would reach this point ang akon katangahan. Supposed to be pang ig stories and notes lang tani to ease my depressed arc sa life. But yeah… thanks? maybe because my attention shifted to you (in a positive way), I dodged a few arrows that could’ve wrecked me again and again. In addition, I didn't pursue this thing para lang may pangpalubag loob ha, everything is genuine. Hayz, ma-miss ko gid magngirit just because you viewed my story 🏃🏻‍♀️but fr, it’s totally fine if ipa-billboard mo pa ni akon embarrassing moments hahhahahz I guess this is just me clearing things out :) On the other note, basi himuon mo nga big deal ang mga crushback jokes ko sa ig stories ha (plz wala ko ga-asa fr 🙇🏻‍♀️) sincerely, tuer:)

hi, ai! hindi ko alam kung paano and kung saan ko dapat simulan ‘to. i wrote these words for me to express every single thought that i kept in myself for a very long time. weird siguro ‘to para sa'yo, but not for me. Anyway, kumusta ka?i believe you're doing well naman siguro hahahaha. first things first muna, i want to thank you, for making me feel extra special everyday before. ikaw yung naging human diary ko and a listener sa yapper side ko. you also know my favorites and hates towards every single matter. you always have your efforts para lang makausap ako even though hindi ako mahilig sa video call or voice call that time, and i really did appreciate those. pero madalas nga lang na nag-aaway tayo sa hindi malamang dahilan. that time, i was immature kasi parang wala sa vocabulary ko yung salitang “me time” or “personal space”, and that made me realize na sobrang mali ko sa part na yon. i should've been more considerate regarding with your personal time and be more responsible pagdating sa boundaries kasi ako sa sarili ko before kailangan ko rin pala ng gano'n. as the time goes by, i realized why some people prefer an older partner or the one who has romantic experience, kasi they have more capability to nurture their relationship with someone. and that was a huge slap on my face, because I actually don't know how to act one before. sobrang magkaiba tayo sa maraming bagay kaya mas okay din siguro na natapos ‘yon. pero hindi mo maaalis sa'kin na mag-isip kung may bagay ba na that reminds you of me kasi kung ako yung tatanungin, marami. you may not bought me any fancy things (except for those keychains but i already threw them away kasi wala naman na akong reason for me to still keep them), but the care and respect you had for me while having those moments made me feel so loved and cherished. we never saw nor touched each other, but the fulfillment you gave to me was enough reason for you to be unforgettable. i never wanted to leave you. it was just i was so young and innocent when it comes to love that time. i was weak and fragile that is why i gave up so easily. then later on, it made me realize that cutting you off was actually a better option than still keeping you in touch with me while having the same cycle over and over again. last year, i was aware that you were stalking me sa old tiktok dump acc ko, that's why i decided na i-delete ‘yon—even my rp accs. hindi sa galit o ayaw ko na sa'yo that time, yun lang kasi yung naisip kong best way para hindi ka na rin mahirapan sa akin kasi alam kong you deserve more than i could give. alam ko sa sarili ko na masakit lang kapag nasa akin ka, naisip ko rin that na baka tiniis mo lang din ako kasi kahit sabihin mong months lang yun, naging part na yon pagkatao ko. hindi ko rin itatanggi na totoo pala yung sinabi nila na hindi madaling umusad kapag first love mo and that is where exactly i am, up until now. the thought of “mourning something that never had the chance to exist” started to lingers in my mind everytime the realizations hits me so hard. ang daming potential sana if i was capable to handle relationship during that time. sa almost 2 years, hindi naman ako nawala. tbh, kapag may naririnig akong kanta lalo na ng Ben&Ben, ikaw yung unang naalala ko. I often check your socials if there was a time i think of you, but then i stopped when i saw a familiar pic which is yung childhood pic mo (‘cause how am i supposed to forget something that i was once carrying every day) pero iba yung may-ari ng account na ‘yon. do'n na nag-sink in sa'kin na you were finally in a better place. just remember that i am always rooting for you, especially sa pangarap mong maging engineer someday. may all the good things in life reach you in every possible way they could. i may not have the courage to send it directly to you, but at least in this way magawa ko man lang yung bagay na kung saan mahina ako noon which is expressing myself. i hope that this letter would only stay between us. kasi besides sa articles lang ang ginagawan ko ng paragraphs hindi rin kasi tayo nagkaroon ng proper closure, we just left each other clueless about everything. again sorry, thank you, and adios! sorry kung ngayon lang ‘to. ngayon lang kasi ako nagkaro'n ng lakas ng loob. —🐣

hi, ai! hindi ko alam kung paano and kung saan ko dapat simulan ‘to. i wrote these words for me to express every single thought that i kept in myself for a very long time. weird siguro ‘to para sa'yo, but not for me. Anyway, kumusta ka? i believe you're doing well naman siguro hahahaha. first things first muna, i want to thank you, for making me feel extra special everyday before. ikaw yung naging human diary ko and a listener sa yapper side ko. you also know my favorites and hates towards every single matter. you always have your efforts para lang makausap ako even though hindi ako mahilig sa video call or voice call that time, and i really did appreciate those. pero madalas nga lang na nag-aaway tayo sa hindi malamang dahilan. that time, i was immature kasi parang wala sa vocabulary ko yung salitang “me time” or “personal space”, and that made me realize na sobrang mali ko sa part na yon. i should've been more considerate regarding with your own personal time and be more responsible pagdating sa boundaries kasi ako sa sarili ko before kailangan ko rin pala ng gano'n. i also realized why some people prefer an older partner or the one who has romantic experience, it's because they have more capability to nurture a relationship with someone. and that was a huge slap on my face, because I actually don't know how to act one before. sobrang magkaiba tayo sa maraming bagay kaya mas okay din siguro na natapos ‘yon. pero hindi mo maaalis sa'kin na mag-isip kung may bagay ba na that reminds you of me kasi kung ako yung tatanungin, marami. you may not bought me any fancy things (except for those keychains but i already thrown it away kasi wala naman na akong reason for me to still keep it), but the care and respect you had for me while having those moments made me feel so loved and cherished. we never saw nor touched each other, but the fulfillment you gave to me was enough reason for you to be unforgettable. i never wanted to leave you. it was just i was so young and innocent when it comes to love that time. i was weak and fragile that is why i gave up easily. then later on, it made me realize that cutting you off was actually a better option than still keeping you in touch with me while having the same cycle over and over again. last year, i was aware that you were stalking me sa old tiktok dump acc ko, that's why i decided na i-delete ‘yon—even my rp accs. hindi sa galit o ayaw ko na sa'yo that time, yun lang kasi yung naisip kong best way para hindi ka na rin mahirapan sa akin kasi alam kong you deserve more than i could give. alam ko sa sarili ko na masakit lang kapag nasa akin ka, naisip ko rin that na baka tiniis mo lang din ako kasi kahit sabihin mong months lang yun, naging part na yon pagkatao ko. hindi ko rin itatanggi na totoo pala yung sinabi nila na hindi madaling umusad kapag first love mo and that is where exactly i am up until now. the thought of “mourning something that never had the chance to exist” started to lingers on my mind everytime the realizations hits me so hard. ang daming potential sana if i was capable to handle relationship during that time. sa almost 2 years, hindi naman ako nawala. tbh, kapag may naririnig akong kanta lalo na ng Ben&Ben, ikaw yung unang naalala ko. I often check your socials eveytime i think about you, but then i stopped when i saw a familiar pic (‘cause how am i supposed to forget something that i was once carrying every day) pero ibang account naman ‘yon. do'n na nag-sink in sa'kin na you were finally okay. just remember that i am always rooting for you especially sa pangarap mong maging engineer someday. may all the good things in life reach you in every possible way they could. i may not have the courage to send it directly to you, but at least in this way magawa ko man lang yung bagay na kung saan mahina ako noon which is expressing myself. i hope that this letter would only stay between us. kasi besides sa articles lang ako gunagawa ng paragraphs hindi rin kasi tayo nagkaroon ng proper closure, we just left each other clueless about everything. again sorry, thank you, and adios! —🐣

i wanna cry like crazy

being on the bus today reminded me of us coming home that time after Pride, our hands resting on my leg. sometimes those memories just come in waves, I wish they didn’t but I just accept it now. I’ll tell the void instead of you. I’d never felt so close to anyone before in my life…when you picked me up and we went into your room, I don’t know it just felt as though nothing else existed in the world. And I wished that was true. It’s just the past. I think a part of me will always miss you, but I’ll never be disturbing you again because it was so clear in the end. It meant something to me, and that’s what I’ll keep. always wishing you are well. x

Hi. we wont be able to see each other again like ever, but im glad that you had become my friend before things fall apart. I wanna say youre such a mess and red flag but i guess we all have our own flaws and chaos. youre still a dick btw.

i’m sorry i really just need to get this off my chest. i know you’ll probably never see this, but i have to send it nonetheless. i think it all comes down to the fact that i was scared. it wasn’t that i never loved you, i did. i know i did. but i was just scared. i wish that we would’ve said what we said later on. i wish that when we confessed, it would’ve been not then but now. now i’m much more mature, much more comfortable with what i can call myself and what i can be. but even knowing that, i know it would’ve been futile regardless. i was the one who started crushing on you first. you were the first girl i’d ever had a crush on, and it confused me. but you were always so open about yourself that it made me feel a little better, like i wasn’t doing anything wrong because you were doing it too. melody i know that you would’ve given me everything, and the fact is, you have. you’ve given me all of yourself the way that i never could for you. i was scared. i’m still scared now. i can entertain myself with guys as much as i want, but it’s always been you. i can see myself dating you and being happy. it’s such a clear vision in my mind. no boy would’ve remembered the things you remembered about me. no boy would’ve given me the gifts full of time, thought, and effort the way you did. i would’ve been so happy with you. you would’ve made me so happy and i know it. beyond a shadow of a doubt, i know you would’ve made me the happiest girl alive. i imagine myself dating you, getting to kiss you and hug you and go out on dates. but i’m afraid. i was and i still am. i’m just a little more comfortable with myself. but i know that i will never be truly comfortable with myself. because while i can very clearly see myself dating you and doing all these things with you, i can’t imagine the future. it’s so weird to me. i can imagine myself dating any girl and being happy while i have trouble imagining myself having a boyfriend. but when i think on the future, i can hardly see myself marrying and having a family with anyone at all, but when i do, it’s with a man. i don’t know what i’m afraid of, but i’m so, so afraid. everything i did to you was so unfair. i was our downfall. i was the cause of our death. it was all me. you weren’t just an experience, you were everything. you are everything. no one makes me laugh the way you do, no one does the things you do for me, no one is like you. i could talk to you, watch movies with you, share secrets, talk about my feelings, my fears, all with you. it’s nearly impossible for me to be able to have that with anyone else. there was never anybody else. you were always my person, my second half, my twin flame, my soul. i reminisce about you, about us, and think about how lucky i was to have met you. i never said it, but it hurt me too. losing you hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. i know that i never really lost you, but god did it feel like i did. it felt like a part of me was gone forever. my best friend, my girl. and i’m sorry, i’m so sorry because j know it’s my fault. every time you say it’s not i stay quiet because i know it’s not true. had i not led you on the way i did, maybe right now we’d still be calling every day from the moment we woke up or got home from school to the moment i had to leave first. we’d be watching movies together, we’d be talking, laughing, sitting in comfortable silences, still saying i love you. every day since things ended i’ve felt this regret, and it keeps getting stronger. if hurt to leave you but i couldn’t stay. no matter how much i wanted to, i couldn’t. i will never be fully comfortable with who i am. i know i love you, i know that i really do. j know that in the deepest part of heart, i love you and i will always love you. but we can’t be anything. sometimes i wish i could be selfish and date you. i wish i could feel your kisses and hear your voices telling me all the sweet nothings you used to say. i miss you every day. every day without fail i miss you more than the last. i think about you late at night, i think about you when i hear songs, i think about you when there’s nothing to keep me distracted, i think about you while i watch the water boil. i fantasize about you innocently. getting to kiss you, hug you, have you hold me, have us go on dates, smile at each other, sleep in each others arms. i think about that. i get jealous over you, i cry over you, i get nostalgic over you. all to this day. but as much as i wanted to be selfish, i wont. i can’t. all i’ll do is hurt you even more. i’m so afraid and i don’t know what for. my parents would be supportive, i’d have you, i wouldn’t care about anyone else. but i’m still so afraid. i can’t see myself getting married with anyone but a blurry face of a man. i know that on the day j get married, i’ll think of you. when i get a home, i’ll think of you. when i get that pet cat, i’ll think of you. i could be with anyone and somehow, my thoughts will always lead back to you. i miss you as my best friend and my lover. i try not to show it, i try to keep it hidden, but i still check your accounts sometimes, stare at you when your videos come on my feed, look at every single thing you’ve ever given me, still look for our initials, our months, our signs, all of it. i don’t ever want you to go thinking that after everything that happened, that after everything we said, did, and went through, that i’m fine. that this doesn’t matter to me. because it does. it matters to me more than anything. i love you. i love you, i love you, i love you. you would’ve made me so happy. but i refuse to hurt you more than i already have by selfishly asking you for a chance knowing that it will lead no where. maybe if we date, maybe i’ll get over my fears. but what if i don’t? i’ll leave you heartbroken again. i’ve already lost you once, i don’t think i could live with myself if i lost you again. it was never your fault. it was never about what you were or who you were. it was me, solely me. it was my fault because i will never be able to be who i really am. like i said, i’m much more comfortable now than back then, but my fears are still there. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry we never had what we talked about. i’m sorry i couldn’t give you what we dreamed of. i’m sorry that i have to be so unaccepting of myself. if i wasn’t, we’d years into a relationship. i miss you. i love you. i sound like a broken record but it’s true. you may not have known it, but my world revolved around you too. and it still does. i search for you in everyone. i can’t find you again. and it breaks my heart that we can’t be together the way we both want to be. you would never have to be a boy for me to love you. i love you as you are now, a girl just like me. but things might’ve been easier that way, wouldn’t they? nonetheless, i’d never change a single thing about you. i fell in love with the incredible girl that you are and it will always stay that way. i hope that there’s someone out there who isn’t afraid of what they are and that they can give you what my subconscious has only hoped to. time will pass, but my feelings will never change. even if we don’t talk anymore, even if we’re not as close as we were before, even if i’m not your best friend anymore, i’ll always be here. you’ll always be my best friend no matter what. quite literally the girl of my dreams. i hate that this is the way things have to be. you loved so openly and all i could ever do was keep you at an arms length. you are both my biggest blessing and my biggest regret. my biggest blessing because without you, i don’t know who i would’ve been. you will always be my everything no matter how much time passes. but you are also my biggest regret, because i fell for something that i couldn’t have and i hurt you. i know i hurt you. i hurt you so much. i’m sorry. i know that you’d forgive me, i know that i am forgiven, but take my sorries anyway because you deserve them. i didn’t realize the good i had until i had to let you go. i always appreciated you and everything you did. i’m sorry that i’m this way. there are so many parallels between us and my heart aches. it aches knowing that i truly do love you, and that all my feelings are real and i felt you, i did, but i could never act on it because of my cowardice. i feel like it will never be over. i’ll never stop feeling this way and regretting why i could never be braver. i wish i could say “i do”. i want to reach out, but the thought of that scares me motionless. i want to ask you to never leave me, but that’s disgustingly selfish of me. maybe in a different world, in a different life, we could be together without the weight of anything holding us back. a life where i could be free and love you the way i want to and the way you deserve. i know this isn’t the most comforting closure i could’ve given you, and i know it’ll hurt, but it has to be said, and if i never do, how could i ever expect you to know? sweet girl, i love you. i just can’t keep living like this, with this guilt. tragic, isn’t it? the mystery of love. —K.

i saw your story today and i'm getting the feeling we're slowly drifting apart. and i guess it hurts me a lot because we used to be so close. we survived the pandemic together and you were the first people i called when dad died. but ever since senior high happened...i have this big feeling that you're hiding some kind of quiet grudge against me. the last time i asked you about it, you said we were okay. after that, i didn't dare to ask you again because i know you don't really do confrontational conversations. but only if you knew how much i wanted to ask you. i get it that you're busy but i've been seeing online that you've made time for other people...so why couldn't you at least try? for us? for our friendship? i don't ask for much, and you know i never did. but just a simple meet up would do... you've met up with an old batchmate of ours. you know we go to the same university. you could at least chat me... please be honest. did i do something wrong? whenever i chat you you almost never reply. or when you do, its so...i feel like you're so distant. you've become reserved... i hope and pray that we talk about this soon, because i never expected to rant about this online, anonymously. hell, that's the last thing i'd do. but yet here i am...maybe a part of me really wants you to read this. if you are... hit me up, if you still care. even if you don't, i wish you'd just tell me sooner. i'd wish you'd be a little more straightforward with me. if you want to cut ties with me, just go and be direct with it please. instead of just...dragging it out like this. and i..despite all of this? i still love you. if you'd call me in the middle of the night, i'd drop everything for you. i'd still trust you with my life. you're like the sibling i never had. i miss you. so damn much.

To the person who been through all my storms. From being a complete stranger to being my HOME and my GO TO PERSON. you are my SAFE PLACE. thank you for staying for understanding me in ways I never even had to explain You mean more to me than words could ever hold.......In a world that feels heavy sometimes you became the place I breathe easy.....I find myself deeply missing us............. the way we felt the way we held onto each other like nothing else mattered...I miss the way you used to feel like peace like safety like everything I needed without asking. I don’t miss you…I miss us...YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH U MEAN TO ME . YOU MEAN SO MUCH MORE THAN WORDS WOUL EVER EXPLAIN You once promised me little things that meant the world to me like making me parota...teaching me how to drive a car....clicking pictures when I finally get my dream bike…And I promised you things too.... a ride when I get my car... a Lego set...standing by you... supporting you through everything.... They were just small words…but they felt like a whole future to me. Now I sit here wondering.. are they just words to you? Or did they mean something once? Because I’m still here…still holding onto every little things we said to each other...I MISS YOUUU SOOO DAMN MUCH...CAN WE FIND OUR WAY BACK?...........🫶🏼🧿SARAH🫶🏻🩷🎀MJ

you starve and you don't talk. you drink and you don't talk. you smoke and you don't talk. you never say anything at all