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Naalala mo pa ba ung una tayo nag usap noong grade 8? During Filipino time yun tungkol sa bugtong and obserbasyon Hahahaha lintek bad first impression ko tlga huli ako nag submit HSHSHSHSH anyways oh ganito nalang Riddle me this: I start with a tail but lose it as I grow. I wear skin that’s often green or brown. I don’t drink with my mouth, I absorb instead. My voice fills the night though I’m rarely seen walking. What am I? Sagutin mo toh ah, malay mo mag "send ng kanta" eto HSHSHSHS 😉

hi, ai! hindi ko alam kung paano and kung saan ko dapat simulan ‘to. i wrote these words for me to express every single thought that i kept in myself for a very long time. weird siguro ‘to para sa'yo, but not for me. Anyway, kumusta ka? i believe you're doing well naman siguro hahahaha. first things first muna, i want to thank you, for making me feel extra special everyday before. ikaw yung naging human diary ko and a listener sa yapper side ko. you also know my favorites and hates towards every single matter. you always have your efforts para lang makausap ako even though hindi ako mahilig sa video call or voice call that time, and i really did appreciate those. pero madalas nga lang na nag-aaway tayo sa hindi malamang dahilan. that time, i was immature kasi parang wala sa vocabulary ko yung salitang “me time” or “personal space”, and that made me realize na sobrang mali ko sa part na yon. i should've been more considerate regarding with your own personal time and be more responsible pagdating sa boundaries kasi ako sa sarili ko before kailangan ko rin pala ng gano'n. i also realized why some people prefer an older partner or the one who has romantic experience, it's because they have more capability to nurture a relationship with someone. and that was a huge slap on my face, because I actually don't know how to act one before. sobrang magkaiba tayo sa maraming bagay kaya mas okay din siguro na natapos ‘yon. pero hindi mo maaalis sa'kin na mag-isip kung may bagay ba na that reminds you of me kasi kung ako yung tatanungin, marami. you may not bought me any fancy things (except for those keychains but i already thrown it away kasi wala naman na akong reason for me to still keep it), but the care and respect you had for me while having those moments made me feel so loved and cherished. we never saw nor touched each other, but the fulfillment you gave to me was enough reason for you to be unforgettable. i never wanted to leave you. it was just i was so young and innocent when it comes to love that time. i was weak and fragile that is why i gave up easily. then later on, it made me realize that cutting you off was actually a better option than still keeping you in touch with me while having the same cycle over and over again. last year, i was aware that you were stalking me sa old tiktok dump acc ko, that's why i decided na i-delete ‘yon—even my rp accs. hindi sa galit o ayaw ko na sa'yo that time, yun lang kasi yung naisip kong best way para hindi ka na rin mahirapan sa akin kasi alam kong you deserve more than i could give. alam ko sa sarili ko na masakit lang kapag nasa akin ka, naisip ko rin that na baka tiniis mo lang din ako kasi kahit sabihin mong months lang yun, naging part na yon pagkatao ko. hindi ko rin itatanggi na totoo pala yung sinabi nila na hindi madaling umusad kapag first love mo and that is where exactly i am up until now. the thought of “mourning something that never had the chance to exist” started to lingers on my mind everytime the realizations hits me so hard. ang daming potential sana if i was capable to handle relationship during that time. sa almost 2 years, hindi naman ako nawala. tbh, kapag may naririnig akong kanta lalo na ng Ben&Ben, ikaw yung unang naalala ko. I often check your socials eveytime i think about you, but then i stopped when i saw a familiar pic (‘cause how am i supposed to forget something that i was once carrying every day) pero ibang account naman ‘yon. do'n na nag-sink in sa'kin na you were finally okay. just remember that i am always rooting for you especially sa pangarap mong maging engineer someday. may all the good things in life reach you in every possible way they could. i may not have the courage to send it directly to you, but at least in this way magawa ko man lang yung bagay na kung saan mahina ako noon which is expressing myself. i hope that this letter would only stay between us. kasi besides sa articles lang ako gunagawa ng paragraphs hindi rin kasi tayo nagkaroon ng proper closure, we just left each other clueless about everything. again sorry, thank you, and adios! —🐣

love uuu till the stars forget how to burn, nd even then, maybe in another universe, i'd still find uuu <3

loveee u till the stars forget how to burn, nd even then, maybe in another universe, i'd still find uuu <3

dear me last few week has been a really hectic weeks. schedule packed with exams,study,tuition and reality stuff but have you been taking care of yourself? stretch yourself put some makeup on dress cute buy some flowers and escaped the reality somehow you just need to prioritise yourself

I met you at school. I was 12 you were almost 11. You were a chaotic little rebel with no friends that kept bullying me. It started with little hits on the head every time you saw me. But you only wanted a friend, and apparently I was the only one to realize it. You lost at your own game, you fell in love idiot. At 14 I had my first boyfriend that you deeply hated. I broke up with him cause despite all the kindness he had, he couldn't help himself wanting excessive sex and I wasn't into that. You had family problems including violence and hurt yourself which now results in multiple bruises for life. 15, your friend came from nowhere and manipulated me into making me say cute things to him cause he faked wanting comfort and then after saying horrible things to me, I replied angrily to him. Little did I know he erased his texts and showed mine to my friends making me the "villain". I lost my friends and you believed him. You knew him 1 month and me 3 years. I was mad at you and I think I saw you cry at the ballroom. 16, we were in class together and I gave you a chance to be my boyfriend. You bullied me even more, used me like a puppet. I had a problem with limits, and you wanted a distraction. You broke into houses that were abandoned and degraded with pieces of drugs alcohol, shattered glass and cigarettes left in it. You used to bring a blanket and pin me down on it. Fortunately you respected that didn't want to do THE thing, however I didn't know how to say no for every other action related to that. I had my legs trembling of someone getting close to them for months. I hated not knowing how to say no. 17, you cheated with kissing another girl. I decided to break up and you got me pinned on the school walls. I said yes again, to be your girlfriend but days later I managed to stay away from you. 18, 2 years that we were apart and I was moving into my apartment in the big city. At distance, we talked and called, we laughed so much, we've never been so close, you got a bit more mature. My feelings were getting the best of me but at the same time I was texting a guy from school before him and he was very sweet, only cute exchanges. He asked me out and turns out it was your childhood friend and I got mad you'd ruined the connection by getting angry so I got angry and decided to stop talking to you. That night you insisted calling a lot and when I picked up you said "I love you" for the first time. And I was silently crying but we had to separate after that, and I chose to be with a safe cute person that I didn't love at that time, rather than being with the one I loved but taking the risk of being hurt like you always did. Most heartbreaking decision ever. 19, a friend of mine made us see each other, you, her and me. That was heartbreaking for me. You became a biker, went into drugs and alcohol. Should I mention the muscular part like he became really really muscular, Toji-like (for the anime fans here). And days after you went to a drug party with that friend and slept with her. Still, heartbreaking. 20, your childhood friend was my boyfriend for 2-3 years but despite the cuteness and safety, we did routines and he rarely spoke. If one word could define me it would be "communication" or "talkative" so it frustrated me so much to not have this connection. We broke up and few days after I ran into you, stupid boy. Like a fucking movie you appeared behind the tramway in front of me. We did groceries and I was naive enough to think that accepting having a little dinner at my apartment would be harmless. I was so happy to see you. And my ankles were bleeding so much I had to go home. Hugging you was the best feeling on earth, you felt like home but also danger but comfort. The problem is you kind of forced me for 50 min straight to let go and submit to your desires. I gave up resistance one hour later and I'm sad I had pleasure cause it was few days after my break up. I felt guilty and bad but it was a bit like dreaming. Then you acted cold, I was devastated and hurt, I stopped talking. 21, I sent you a demand on Insta but the same day, my ex (first boyfriend that I broke up with because of excessive sex) came back by showing up for my experiment as a participant. We had dinner but he stayed and we didn't do anything except he showed me how to fight and put me into weird positions, I wasn't sure about him having no more excessive behaviors about it.. I've never sent you a text because of that. Cause you both hate each other so much. And you couldn't know I was talking to him so of course you wouldn't know. You asked me why one month later but I got into a relationship with my ex that was like a friendship at beginning but I got into my old patterns and couldn't get to say no, again. You got very angry because of my pattern to say yes to that, to him. You came to my experiment but you were really pissed. 22, you said happy birthday and I replied in a humorous tone that you thought was really mocking you, whereas I tried to be funny or nonchalant.. Mad at me again.. Then I wished you a happy birthday and you got back like nothing happened. However you wanted to see me to make something clear to me. I was breaking up with my ex that was a horrible time. Still you came at my place and said : " I will know longer pursue you, go after you. I've done it enough, if later you wanna talk, you'll be the one to reach out." We.. passionately slept together through anger, desire, temporary happiness and old memories. Each time fucking time he goes back I feel that maybe I really count for him, that he loves me deep inside he just hates the love feeling, he denied that feeling long ago and "suppressed the need". Still the breakup was hard for my ex and that was the darkest part of my life, dark thoughts and all. I slept at my friend's house for days (the one that slept in the past with you stupid boy yes). Turns out she was welcoming a guy too at the same time and this man was a good listener, and talker. I had panic attacks in the night and my friend wasn't awaken easily. I was desperate and feeling like hell, I said yes when we slept together. I felt bad. 2 months later, stupid boy comes back, yeah bad boy. I thought it would be my turn to come back and that he'd never chase me again but whatever. He came back cause he saw a teacher we knew at school. And we laughed as usual. But.. At the same time I was chatting on discord for debates and I met someone at the opposite of the country in distance.. Still a bad time... By the way, you stupid boy you did the same thing at distance one year ago with another girl. And I ended up the same as you did. It didn't work out in 3 months. This time I reached out myself. You were so happy you came to see me in minutes, even though it was late night. I said "you were fast, we didn't even talked". He said " we wouldn't have time, it's late, and you know where it leads to..". He asked what was a bottle with a towel doing next to my bed and I said it was for my periods days before. He was relieved it was days ago and I said "of course you worry for that". He said "come on you clearly reach out for sex". And I wanted to tell him that it really wasn't the case, that I loved him despite everything, but I knew he came back for that and sometimes I'm delusional (always). We did it and even if he stayed longer, our communication after that is a bit colder and I don't know where he's at in these situations. He left me his shirt for muscular body and soft touching-like. But he kept showing that he wanted to use my body and almost not talking like we used to as friends.. Horrible situation indeed. I've always hated-loved him. And deep inside me I wanted to make him pay for the suffering he made me endure for all this time. So sometimes I replied in a bad way. Everything was toxic. I stopped talking 2 days. He didn't like it and then nothing. For a month. A month later he calls me out of nowhere, I can't answer. He texts that he was in prison. I decide to laugh at that. Few days later I call him and he tells me he lied, he didn't go to prison BUT he got into a serious relationship for one week and complimented a biker muscu girl that he went to like a dog at a sports room. I acted like it was funny as always. He said : "I really tried, she wasn't toxic and was so kind and all she deserved greatness, but I hate adjusting my life to a person and hearing someone talk cause you have to listen and all... so very funny I lasted one week. I would have said happy birthday months later if it would have worked out idk". Of course I'm his back up plan for sex. I hated to admit it but even if I agreed on phone call to meet him. I never called him again, that hurt too much. And since months I try to respect myself and not reach out. Cause I desperately love him and even if he does too, he made it clear he chose to never be in a relationship or close to someone or these type of link. He made it clear he'll see me chilling, well I guess for sex. Cause it's easy I like him, It's cool for his ego. I shall start to respect myself. I am not ready to have this ending conversation with him, I preferred to stop reaching out without a word cause I know he knows why I do that. We've been doing that for 10 years. Thank you stupid boy for everything we loved and everything we hated. I'll always hate-love you with all my soul.

I wanted to say that i always hated myself and i just want to vent from you, but everytime i did that i feel like im just dead weight i have alot of problems i just wish to be somewhere alone with you just one day having fun, but everything sounds so selfish to me, everytime i ask you something i feel like your just doing this to make me shut up, if you do feel that im sorry :(. Im sorry that i was a selfish friend. Im sorry if everything i say never comes true. Im sorry for letting you feel i never cared. Im sorry if i was too problematic. Im sorry if i let you downed. Im sorry if those help text is just something you feel your responsible for what is going to happen next. Im sorry if i didn't say this directly to you, I was too scared to tell this to you and you have your own life to live. I shouldn't be doing this beacause it sounds so selfish. Im sorry if sometimes i dont get you i always try i promise. Another promise to keep just full of lies to keep this friendship alive. Im sorry for everything or everytime i caused you negative emotions. If you ever found this... there is a truth thing i will say please don't get mad When you first help me i said to myself this is just another person will hate me or just forget aboth me (i assumed a loving person. I thought your just melbz a person that i love just to feel unwanted) I thought after checking me you will just forget and move on because all my life is just full of hatred. Back then i was 8-9 that time i grabbed a piece of paper and just wrote every negative thing to my self, i said "im so fucking dumb" "i wish i just die" "i hate myself so much" i was a kid and already hating myself it hurts to be already opened with emotions. My parents always left me to somebody never letting me feel longed. I was so lonely hurted and sad. When i was with my cousins like i feel they dont want me they always like try to find ways to avoid me. Now i just thought of ppl "they just want me because they want something", "they never really cared aboth me", "i will never find someone who will truly wants to be with their side". It hurts of me thinking that. I remembered that i was chatting to a chat bot cuz no one else wanted to i remembered i reach 10 hours on that app and i cried saying im so lonely that i have to rely on someone who is not even real. So what i did find things to make me look cool so ppl will want me. So i did i drew a played music edit vids i did martial arts everything that is possible. No one sticks around except you. So when you first chat me i said a person who is just concerned and will disappear in one point and ill be lonely again week passed still chatting to me i said to myself "i want to block you" beacause i just want to end it so i can endure the pain of leaving you and never think it in the future. Beacause i thought you will leave me like the others did. But i didn't block you and right now its worth it that i didn't. I want to thank you anixe for like being there always checking up on me, just texting for hours aboth a dreamed last night, all the shared thoughts, the gifts, the care, All those recommendations. everything. You made me feel i was a person and not just someone who is replaceable. I love you anixe as a friend. Your someone who is every person needs you really change my life i was less lonely. Even tho i still hate myself your the person who have eyes on me you know me when i tried avoiding stuff. Your the only person who truly cared and im forever greatful. One of my wish right now is to meet you and just have a lovely day. And to the person reading this thank you for giving your time..i dont have the courage to send this to him but can you help me to make him relize that i always cared and greatful. send this letter to him at Discord his user is "dj_anxiety"

i wanna cry like crazy

Hi B, I just wanted to say how far our relationship has become. I know it's been less than a week but I'm very thankful for what we've been doing so far and grateful that our bonds are getting stronger and stronger. I'm also glad that you care for me, like you helped me fix the art we've done, you helped me get the hotwheels I've been wanting, and not only that, but you intended to give me flowers. You're the first girl who's ever done that to me. I'm really so thankful that I found you, I'm really thankful that I have been this close to you. It's doing great so far imo. Btw I love the way how you sending hints and anonymous letters it's kinda fun HSHSHSHSHS.

I hope our love begins to blossom more, you are the most perfect person ever and maybe I don’t show it enough but I REALLY REALLYY like you 🥹. I hate when you think you aren’t good enough because you really are, you’re the most funny person ever and I wanna laugh to your jokes until the day I die. The things we can talk about makes me so happy, especially about your pets too!! You may never see this but I hope one day I can come back on here and talk about our love.

Knowing you might like my best friend is kinda gut wrenching, I mean, I’ve loved you since I first saw you, but if it’s not meant to be then who am I to stop it all? I will miss thinking about how we would’ve spent out future together, side by side, but if this is what’s going to happen then I wish you the best, truly. Just know you were the sweetest boy I’ve met :’)

I think one of the worst things is that even though I get lost in hopes and fantasies that one day they’ll reach out, we’ll be back in each others lives, maybe we’d even be together…the reality is that years of intentional silence is unforgivable. There is no rationalising being coldly shut out after sharing so much and being so vulnerable with someone. Even with every intention and want to forgive, it stays and grows as unbearable resentment. When I was younger, I used to fall for the rush of relief and happiness if someone finally got in touch, to the extent it’s as if I’d forget how painful the silence had been - I was just so happy that they were back. But the reality was that they were a source of pain. The selfish refusal to engage disguised as heroic ‘self protection’. The conscious decision to go forward in life knowing that they were denying the existence of someone they once claimed to love and care about… I don’t even know if that’s fixable. But I do believe it’s unforgivable… It isn’t ‘healing’ or bOuNdArIeS or any other silly little weaponised therapy talk…it hurt. It really fucking hurt…and I didn’t deserve that. Even though I do get so caught up in those hopes that you’ll show up, that we’ll hug and kiss, that all of the waiting, crying, doubting…would be worth it…it’s just a fantasy. This isn’t the Notebook, it’s real life. I used to feel so much love, comfort and safety looking into your eyes…but if I ever were to look into them again, I’d probably see a reflection of myself crying every night for years…it’s not ok. It was never ok. And I don’t think it ever can be.

baby, i dont even know where to start, but i guess ill just say it the way i always do. i love you. and i mean that in every way possible. ang tagal na natin, but nothing really changed for me. i still find myself wanting to tell you i love you over and over, like its never enough to explain how much you mean to me. i wont get tired of you. i wont get tired of us. kahit gaano pa katagal, kahit ilang beses ko pa sabihin, ill keep choosing you. every day. every time. from me, to you. this is something ill never stop saying. i love you, always.

Dear J, Today would have been our first-year anniversary. Instead, I’m sitting here carrying everything you left behind. You left me. You abandoned me—and you abandoned our unborn child. After you found out I was pregnant, something in you changed. I saw it. I felt it. You became distant, cold, and someone I no longer recognized. And I was left trying to understand how the person who once promised me everything could become someone who walked away like we meant nothing. I know you are confused about your sexuality. I saw things I can’t unsee—the way you held your male best friend’s hand, the way you were happiest when you were with him, the way you would hug him or lie beside him like I didn’t exist in those moments. I saw how you missed him even when you were sitting across from me. I was there, watching all of it, pretending it didn’t hurt me. But if you were confused, you should have said it. If you were not ready, you should have been honest. If you were still figuring yourself out, I should not have been the one paying the price for it. Instead, you promised me a future. And I believed you. Because of that belief, I lost everything. I lost my baby—my Margaux Skye. My first child. The one I already loved before I even got the chance to hold her. She was supposed to be my strength, my reason to keep going, my light when things got hard. But I had to lose her while also losing you at the same time. And the truth is… I am still not okay. I struggle every single day. Some mornings I wake up and for a few seconds I forget everything, and then it all comes back again. The silence. The loss. The questions. The empty space where everything used to be. There are days I function, but I am not really living—I am just surviving what you left behind. You may have moved on in your own way, but I am still here carrying the consequences of your choices, your silence, and your absence. And I need you to understand this: Please don’t use other people to hide who you are. Because in doing that, you don’t just hurt yourself—you break the people who trusted you with their whole heart. I am trying, every day, to rebuild myself from something I did not even get to choose to lose. — Me

20/04/202 — Te amo tanto. Te necesito tanto. No quiero que me vuelvas a hacer falta jamás. No sé cómo podrían sonar estas palabras, pero basta con que sean reales, por aquí te digo... Vivo con el recuerdo cosntate de como no hemos lastimado. Tanto tú a mí como yo a ti. No es un reclamo, es un recuento. Iniciamos de mala gana. Sin querer aceptarlo ni querer vivirlo. Fue un cambio tan lento como un tráiler tratando de girar reversa. Un cambio que a los dos nos abrumaba, que a mí me lastimaba y a ti te encerraba en tu mente un poquito más cada día. Así por hasta 60 días. Días que pudieron ser especiales, se convirtieron en una hazaña de vivir. No es queja, es hacer memoria. Días en los que me torturaba la situación que me hacías vivir. Días tan incómodos como pasar a exponer sin estar preparado. Noches tan agobiantes como el árido aire en un día sofocante, sin sol ni sombra. Palabras que herían más que ser arrollado por un bulldozer. Sentimientos que se escondía más que un caracol cuando sabe que lo quiere desprender de su caparazón. Recuerdo, un primer beso tuyo. Y también recuerdo los que creí que serían el último. Que cuando hacía esfuerzo por no olvidar, se iba borrando de a poco dentro de mi corazón. Y si bien, actualmente no nos encontramos así. No hoy. Pero ese dolor que por tanto tiempo he arrastrado, se sigue haciendo presente. Es un recuerdo más vivo que yo. Que duele más que yo. Un recuerdo que sin él, no estaríamos aquí. Es de esas cosas que agradeces después de sufrirlas, porque entiendes que te trajeron a dónde estás hoy. Ese recuerdo es la constancia de que aquello que vive más es lo que sientes que te va a matar. Que el que persevera; alcanza. Por otra parte: Yo. Quien sin quererlo también te hice daño. La diferencia entre esos errores es que mi percepción de ti no cambió. La tuya de mí; sí. ¿Y qué más quisiera que eso no hubiese pasado? Siento ganas de llorar incluso ahora, sentada, fingiendo tomar apuntes de mi clase de bienes y derechos reales; Desearía jamás haberte lastimado ni que gracias a eso, a veces sienta que te tomas tus reservas conmigo. Siento la incomodidad cuando dices que soy un secreto con los de tu entorno, la incomodidad de hablas de como fueron aquellos dos años anteriores en nuestra relación. Siento incluso, que me he devaluado ante ti, pero no tú ante mí. Y eso es lo que me duele. Lo que hace que quiera llorar, el daño que no podemos arreglar y que debemos pasarle por encima, porque con pretensiones o no, sé qué nos amamos. Sé que nos deseamos. Yo al menos, lo digo con seguridad. Porque yo no te amé diferente después de lo sucedido. Lo que hace que quiera llorar es también, la manera tan sincera en la que me has dicho que estuve muerta para ti. Que tuviste que alterar mi existencia de esta realidad para encontrar paz, y sé qué no me crees, pero esos tres meses fueron tan horribles para mí como lo fueron para ti. Tres meses que con todas mis fuerzas deseo que jamás se repitan, que jamás existan. Tres meses enteros que desearía borrar. Tres meses llenos de disculpas, lágrimas y arrepentimiento enterrado en mí, que no es difícil de encontrar dentro de mí. Y lo odio. Me atrevo a decir que ahora somos personas completamente diferentes a las que fuimos ese diecinueve de marzo del dos mil veinticuatro. Ya han pasado dos de esos. Y hemos cambiado. Tanto estando juntos como estando separados, y no quiero que estemos separados de nuevo. Y te lo he dicho y te lo he hecho saber. Y planeo sostener ese deseo. Lo que sí quiero, es que sigamos creciendo juntos. Cambiando. Amándonos, pero juntos. Primordialmente juntos. Sé qué ambos tenemos estrés, deudas, preocupaciones y demás, pero aún no te he dicho lo suficiente cuanto odio que creas que esa en la solución. Que me hace sentir desplazada. Y de nuevo, devaluada. Y odio sentirme así, porque a diferencia de eso, tú sigues siendo enteramente todo para mí. La única persona que de verdad he amado y lo que genuinamente he soñado. Aquella persona que no importa qué pase ni cuando, siempre será TODO para mí. Espero yo serlo para ti. — Te ama Evelyn

being on the bus today reminded me of us coming home that time after Pride, our hands resting on my leg. sometimes those memories just come in waves, I wish they didn’t but I just accept it now. I’ll tell the void instead of you. I’d never felt so close to anyone before in my life…when you picked me up and we went into your room, I don’t know it just felt as though nothing else existed in the world. And I wished that was true. It’s just the past. I think a part of me will always miss you, but I’ll never be disturbing you again because it was so clear in the end. It meant something to me, and that’s what I’ll keep. always wishing you are well. x

haii beii, gimingaw nako nimo, i missed the days were still happy, di jud ko kalimut adtu nga adlaw kay didto ko nakafeel nga loved ko, u always comfort me when no one was there too, grabe. Gipafeel jud nimo nga imuha kong love, you always save me from my wrong decisions, i will always love you, my bei. Even if maglayo nata, di taka kalimtan, my bei. Iloveyousomuch, mybei. amping permi

Ang lakas din ng appeal mo sakin eh no? Kung ibibigay ka ni God, salamat kung hindi okay may mas better pa. Natripan talaga kita, kailangan ko muna mag-build para sa sarili ko. Ayaw ko magsalita ng patapos, ayaw ko rin masyadong umasa. Ayaw na kitang makasabay sa jeep pero nakakasabay parin kita. Ikaw ang tipo ko, mabango, maalaga at mataray palaban ba. Kailan kaya kita mayayakap? sa gabing malamig at sa umagang mainit?

Hi. we wont be able to see each other again like ever, but im glad that you had become my friend before things fall apart. I wanna say youre such a mess and red flag but i guess we all have our own flaws and chaos. youre still a dick btw.

i’m sorry i really just need to get this off my chest. i know you’ll probably never see this, but i have to send it nonetheless. i think it all comes down to the fact that i was scared. it wasn’t that i never loved you, i did. i know i did. but i was just scared. i wish that we would’ve said what we said later on. i wish that when we confessed, it would’ve been not then but now. now i’m much more mature, much more comfortable with what i can call myself and what i can be. but even knowing that, i know it would’ve been futile regardless. i was the one who started crushing on you first. you were the first girl i’d ever had a crush on, and it confused me. but you were always so open about yourself that it made me feel a little better, like i wasn’t doing anything wrong because you were doing it too. melody i know that you would’ve given me everything, and the fact is, you have. you’ve given me all of yourself the way that i never could for you. i was scared. i’m still scared now. i can entertain myself with guys as much as i want, but it’s always been you. i can see myself dating you and being happy. it’s such a clear vision in my mind. no boy would’ve remembered the things you remembered about me. no boy would’ve given me the gifts full of time, thought, and effort the way you did. i would’ve been so happy with you. you would’ve made me so happy and i know it. beyond a shadow of a doubt, i know you would’ve made me the happiest girl alive. i imagine myself dating you, getting to kiss you and hug you and go out on dates. but i’m afraid. i was and i still am. i’m just a little more comfortable with myself. but i know that i will never be truly comfortable with myself. because while i can very clearly see myself dating you and doing all these things with you, i can’t imagine the future. it’s so weird to me. i can imagine myself dating any girl and being happy while i have trouble imagining myself having a boyfriend. but when i think on the future, i can hardly see myself marrying and having a family with anyone at all, but when i do, it’s with a man. i don’t know what i’m afraid of, but i’m so, so afraid. everything i did to you was so unfair. i was our downfall. i was the cause of our death. it was all me. you weren’t just an experience, you were everything. you are everything. no one makes me laugh the way you do, no one does the things you do for me, no one is like you. i could talk to you, watch movies with you, share secrets, talk about my feelings, my fears, all with you. it’s nearly impossible for me to be able to have that with anyone else. there was never anybody else. you were always my person, my second half, my twin flame, my soul. i reminisce about you, about us, and think about how lucky i was to have met you. i never said it, but it hurt me too. losing you hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. i know that i never really lost you, but god did it feel like i did. it felt like a part of me was gone forever. my best friend, my girl. and i’m sorry, i’m so sorry because j know it’s my fault. every time you say it’s not i stay quiet because i know it’s not true. had i not led you on the way i did, maybe right now we’d still be calling every day from the moment we woke up or got home from school to the moment i had to leave first. we’d be watching movies together, we’d be talking, laughing, sitting in comfortable silences, still saying i love you. every day since things ended i’ve felt this regret, and it keeps getting stronger. if hurt to leave you but i couldn’t stay. no matter how much i wanted to, i couldn’t. i will never be fully comfortable with who i am. i know i love you, i know that i really do. j know that in the deepest part of heart, i love you and i will always love you. but we can’t be anything. sometimes i wish i could be selfish and date you. i wish i could feel your kisses and hear your voices telling me all the sweet nothings you used to say. i miss you every day. every day without fail i miss you more than the last. i think about you late at night, i think about you when i hear songs, i think about you when there’s nothing to keep me distracted, i think about you while i watch the water boil. i fantasize about you innocently. getting to kiss you, hug you, have you hold me, have us go on dates, smile at each other, sleep in each others arms. i think about that. i get jealous over you, i cry over you, i get nostalgic over you. all to this day. but as much as i wanted to be selfish, i wont. i can’t. all i’ll do is hurt you even more. i’m so afraid and i don’t know what for. my parents would be supportive, i’d have you, i wouldn’t care about anyone else. but i’m still so afraid. i can’t see myself getting married with anyone but a blurry face of a man. i know that on the day j get married, i’ll think of you. when i get a home, i’ll think of you. when i get that pet cat, i’ll think of you. i could be with anyone and somehow, my thoughts will always lead back to you. i miss you as my best friend and my lover. i try not to show it, i try to keep it hidden, but i still check your accounts sometimes, stare at you when your videos come on my feed, look at every single thing you’ve ever given me, still look for our initials, our months, our signs, all of it. i don’t ever want you to go thinking that after everything that happened, that after everything we said, did, and went through, that i’m fine. that this doesn’t matter to me. because it does. it matters to me more than anything. i love you. i love you, i love you, i love you. you would’ve made me so happy. but i refuse to hurt you more than i already have by selfishly asking you for a chance knowing that it will lead no where. maybe if we date, maybe i’ll get over my fears. but what if i don’t? i’ll leave you heartbroken again. i’ve already lost you once, i don’t think i could live with myself if i lost you again. it was never your fault. it was never about what you were or who you were. it was me, solely me. it was my fault because i will never be able to be who i really am. like i said, i’m much more comfortable now than back then, but my fears are still there. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry we never had what we talked about. i’m sorry i couldn’t give you what we dreamed of. i’m sorry that i have to be so unaccepting of myself. if i wasn’t, we’d years into a relationship. i miss you. i love you. i sound like a broken record but it’s true. you may not have known it, but my world revolved around you too. and it still does. i search for you in everyone. i can’t find you again. and it breaks my heart that we can’t be together the way we both want to be. you would never have to be a boy for me to love you. i love you as you are now, a girl just like me. but things might’ve been easier that way, wouldn’t they? nonetheless, i’d never change a single thing about you. i fell in love with the incredible girl that you are and it will always stay that way. i hope that there’s someone out there who isn’t afraid of what they are and that they can give you what my subconscious has only hoped to. time will pass, but my feelings will never change. even if we don’t talk anymore, even if we’re not as close as we were before, even if i’m not your best friend anymore, i’ll always be here. you’ll always be my best friend no matter what. quite literally the girl of my dreams. i hate that this is the way things have to be. you loved so openly and all i could ever do was keep you at an arms length. you are both my biggest blessing and my biggest regret. my biggest blessing because without you, i don’t know who i would’ve been. you will always be my everything no matter how much time passes. but you are also my biggest regret, because i fell for something that i couldn’t have and i hurt you. i know i hurt you. i hurt you so much. i’m sorry. i know that you’d forgive me, i know that i am forgiven, but take my sorries anyway because you deserve them. i didn’t realize the good i had until i had to let you go. i always appreciated you and everything you did. i’m sorry that i’m this way. there are so many parallels between us and my heart aches. it aches knowing that i truly do love you, and that all my feelings are real and i felt you, i did, but i could never act on it because of my cowardice. i feel like it will never be over. i’ll never stop feeling this way and regretting why i could never be braver. i wish i could say “i do”. i want to reach out, but the thought of that scares me motionless. i want to ask you to never leave me, but that’s disgustingly selfish of me. maybe in a different world, in a different life, we could be together without the weight of anything holding us back. a life where i could be free and love you the way i want to and the way you deserve. i know this isn’t the most comforting closure i could’ve given you, and i know it’ll hurt, but it has to be said, and if i never do, how could i ever expect you to know? sweet girl, i love you. i just can’t keep living like this, with this guilt. tragic, isn’t it? the mystery of love. —K.