Closure

the Nana to my Hachi was a Trans guy from another continent I guess you could say we ended up like them, huh? Would you rather forget those times, R? I won’t. I snatched this song from you back when I was working on that project too large for me to do alone. I’ve stopped listening to it since. There’s a lot to be grateful for and a lot to keep me faithful. It simply lives in the back of my mind.

Perdón por tener miedo cuando tuvimos la oportunidad, pero debes de entender lo asustada que estaba, venía de años sin sentirme querida de verdad y de que todos a mi alrededor me gritaran a la cara que en realidad, nadie iba a quererme si seguia viendome así: gorda. Es por eso que nunca te creí ni porque me lo aclaraste te creí, para mi toda muestra de amor es falsa porque realmente nunca aprendí a ser amada, mucho menos amar sanamente. Porque yo si amaba a toda esa gente que me lastimó y es problable que fuera de ahí quien me hacía bien no entraba en mi corazón, lo unicó que supe en mi vida fue tener cerca a quienes me apuñalaban, perdón por eso. Pero lamento más tener que volverte en mi contra, también me terminaste lastimando, ¿es por eso que ahora te extraño? porque parece que mi vida despues de ti no ha sido interesante, no lo se, porque cuando estabas ya no quería estar cerca de tí, empecé a amarte hasta que me hiciste daño supongo que porque a eso estoy acostumbrada. Espero que Dios y la Virgensita te cuiden, que siempre estes bien y aleje todo mal de ti, por eso es que me fui, nunca habría podido darte nada de lo que tu quisieras.

I don’t know what to write in here. But let’s keep this letter as a confession of unspoken words from me for something between us. I don’t even know if it really happened or it just me being delusional and overreacting of everything between us and actually there’s no answer for those because we couldn’t even speak about it. From now on i knew that you will always choose men so yeah id rather moving backwards and giving distance from you. I have my own feelings and I can’t always be the one who gives so much to you while you’re keep staying in between the grey lines. So it’s okay this time I'm choosing myself because i know and believe that i deserve better for someone who will not make us keep hiding and doubting ourselves. Thank you for everything as you're being a good friend to me through this time and sorry for having this feeling for you even though i know you just saw me as friends nah I don’t want to think or give so much details whatever friendship things happened between us but yeah let’s keep friend as usual as before while i also distancing myself slowly from you :)

And for everyone reading this, please be careful with everyones feelings. And keep loving, with all your heart. It’s hurtful many times, but it’s also really worth it. ahoj martinku, To be honest, I don’t even know if I still have the privilege to call you that. You see... I never wanted to hurt you. I always wanted only the best for you, even if it doesn’t look like that right now. I tried to end this so many times... but I just couldn’t. I couldn't let go. You were willing to do everything for me. You wanted to move to the other side of the world for me, and I know you would have done anything I asked. I know you love me, maybe too much. I don’t even know where to start, how to tell you everything, even though I know you’ll probably never read this. But that’s okay, maybe it’s better this way, though I wish something in this letter would help you understand everything and move on. Recently, I came across the song beautiful by joji, and it describes our entire situation perfectly. I really can’t say anything in my defense, I have no excuses. Everything is my fault and I can’t take it back. If I could, I would do anything to not hurt you like this. Because you were my precious boy. muj martinek. God, I wish I could tell you one more time that I love you and how much I love you. You mean absolutely everything to me. I don’t know how to move on, but I know we both have to. And we will both make it. I always used to say it’s stupid to be sad after a breakup, that we’ll always meet another person who will fulfill us just as much or more. But now I understand. I can’t imagine it. I gave you everything of myself. Even if some parts were a lie, the real me is what I gave you. I gave you my heart, and I don’t think anyone will ever give it back to me. I love you, so much, I dream about you every night. It was never fair to drag you into my chaos, but you always stayed, and I loved you even more for it. Just so you know, I’m sorry. I wish we could both just put a white flag on our walls and sweep up all the shards I caused. But I know that’s not right. But damn baby, you were supposed to be my savior, but I ended up being the one you needed saving from. And for my final act of love, I will let you forget me. I’ll let you place me in the farthest corner of your mind, making sure that nothing I ever did will bother you again. I’ll close my eyes, drift through space, only our memories keeping me afloat. Not because I hate you, not because I want to, but because I care for you. I don’t want to make my regrets your own, or have my problems create yours. I want you to smile, laugh and cry. Feel all the emotions a human should feel, even if not with me. Because I know I cannot give you that gift. My love for you won’t fade, nor will it ever die. But your love for me will. You will become a mere speck in the huge universe lying before you. Yes, it will hurt, and of course it will sting. But in the end, to me, it’s all worth it. I would do anything for you. So for my final act of love, I will fade from your world, putting you first, just so you can be healthy. Even if it hurts. I’m such a full of shit, I speak of god but I sin, I speak about kindness but I’ve hurt people, I speak about growth but I fall back into old habits, I speak of loyalty but I’ve betrayed people, I speak about having a positive mind but sometimes I’m sad, I speak about healing but I’m still broken in places. You are my biggest “what if,” you are my biggest weakness, enemy and fear, and still, I wish I could run into your arms. It is really hard for me to accept that until I leave this earth I’m gonna be always so tangled. I know I have to get myself out of the hole I’m in, because there’s no one else to dig me out. But somehow, not a single day has gone by where you didn’t cross my mind. I miss you in ways I can’t even explain. I miss your laugh, your voice, the way you made everything feel lighter. Even the smallest things about you stayed with me. And no matter how much I try to move forward, there are always moments, quiet, unexpected ones, that bring me right back to you… to us… to what we almost had. I know I hurt you, and that’s something I carry with me every day. It’s a kind of regret that doesn’t fade. You didn’t deserve any of it. But even with that pain, I want you to know how proud I am of you. Watching you become the person you once dreamed of being… it means more to me than you’ll ever know. You deserve every good thing that’s happening in your life right now. And even if I’m no longer part of your world, I’ll always be here, quietly, in the background, rooting for you, praying for you, wishing you happiness in ways I couldn’t give before. I love you… in the quiet, distant, unspoken way that stays even when everything else is gone. And no matter where life takes us, you will always have a place in my heart. I’m not writing this to get back to you, i know i can’t undo things that i’ve done. But i still love you, and that’s the thing that won’t change. I don’t have the courage to send to you. But maybe some of the audience here will, and if. I want you to know that, I’m so sorry for everything. You’ll always deserve the best, i hope one day you find someone amazing, who will be there for you. You’re never too much or too less. You’re always enough and the right person will see that. Please remember that and don’t let anyone hurt you like i did. Ty ses muj martinek proste.. hrozne si preju abych ti mohla rict jeste jednou ‘pocem ke mne’ nebo ze te miluju. pa kocicko moje. Vzdycky budu s tebou.

honestly .. I know you’re not happy. I know that you’ve trapped yourself… with someone you’re not attracted to, someone who is not affectionate, who doesn’t like or value reassurance like you do .. Their hobbies bore you… There’s no spark or connection… You’re just going with the motions. You’ll say yes to the pet when you don’t even like that animal. You changed your food preferences and diet, just for them. Their big, chubby body repulses you…but, you chose this, didn’t you? Trapped. They came after me, because you couldn’t have me… Gosh…I’d say I hope it’s worth it in a performative effort to move on but damn…we both know it isn’t. hmm… Take care💋

If you’re reaching this part, it means you’ve already read the chapter entitled "Bughaw." Just so you know, I’m not pressuring you or forcing you to say anything; I simply want to ask a favor of you. We can discuss that favor in a moment. First, I want to say that this might feel a bit different from the intention of my first letter. You may find this inconsistent, but when I wrote that first letter, I was already trying to move on from you, even though a part of me still held onto a glimmer of hope that there might be a chance for us. Now, I am writing to you again, but with a different kind of courage. This time, I am truly ready to accept things as they are and move forward. Actually, liking you has been quite surprising. I have met different versions of myself and realized that I am capable of feeling these things. I used to be so good at keeping things to myself that I thought moving on would be easy. However, I underestimated the situation; maybe I’ve just been fooling myself into thinking I could move on from these feelings, but I haven't. I don’t know what’s holding me back or why I can’t fully push myself to let go. That’s why I am writing this to you. I’m holding onto the hope that if I finally tell you all of this, I will have the courage to move forward. I know you aren't obligated to feel anything for me, but I need to give this closure to myself. Here is the favor: please reject me if you don’t feel the same way. I am not pressuring you to like me, and of course, if you’re entertaining someone else right now, I will accept defeat. I promise I won’t bother you; just please reject me if that’s what your heart wants.

I miss you so much Ren. you are on my mind constantly, I dream about you every night and I see your face in everyone I come across. you have the prettiest hazel brown eyes, I want to stare into them until I forget how to breathe, until I lose track of time and don't realize there is a world around me. I want to be able to feel your lips against mine just once, I want to forget everything but you. everything we had together and everything that came after has impacted me mentally a lot more than I think I fully realized. I find myself replaying things over and over in my head and getting stuck in thoughts I don’t know how to turn off. I often catch myself wishing I had been better, or different, or more like willow. It’s hard not to compare myself to her, especially when you once told me you could fall in love with someone who is just like you, and now that’s what you have. It messes with my head more than I want to admit. prepare, consume, proceed.

To my jaan, my love, my shammas ❤💕 happy 4th month anniversary <3 my blacka. it’s our 5th anniversary we are able to celebrate and the 4th month of being together. i don’t even know where to start, because somehow a simple “happy anniversary” feels way too small for everything i feel for you. i’ve been staring at this for so long because nothing feels enough for you. no words ever feel like they can hold everything i feel, everything we are, everything we’ve built together. but i’ll try, because you deserve to hear it. <3 so enjoy your read. sometimes i sit there and think about how strange and crayzyyy it is that you’re not physically here, how can someone who started as just a person on a screen have become my person. like somehow, out of everything and everyone, it was you. and it still is you. every single day. not just someone i love, not just someone i talk to every day. you feel like something that exists in me. like i know where to find you, because in you’re in my world and you’ll probably never realize how much you’ve become part of me. you’re just everywhere in my life. in my thoughts, in the way i smile at nothing, in the way my mood shifts just from hearing you, the way i feel, the way my days are shaped around you being there. you’re the first person i want to tell things to, the one i look for without even thinking, ‘did blacka text?’ and even then the surface wasn’t just enough for you.. was it? you don’t even leave me alone in the quiet parts of me. the parts i don’t want show anyone. the late night thoughts, the overthinking, the rude side i try to hide... and somehow you never made it feel like too much. you just understood it, or at least you tried to, and that means more to me than anything. it’s like you found a place in me that no one else ever reached, and you stayed there without trying. and yeah, we’ve had our moments, like the drama i create, the silence sometimes, the misunderstandings, the small fights, moments where things felt fragile, the times where words didn’t come out right, where emotions got heavy. but even then, there was something underneath those negative things that NEVER broke. . even with everything we’ve been through in these months, something kept pulling me back to you and you back to me every SINGLE time. and bro it’s not even forced, it’s just the heart wanting to be with you again. like no matter what happens, in those moments, we never stop choosing eachother. because everytime we stay & we always work through it. we don’t let go. nd i’m sorry for this sudden break shit, i rlly don’t know whats possessing me saying all that crap to you. even now, i’m still thinking about you. and i really love you, like really, really. i hate that i make it complicated, not me crying rn 💀💀💀pathetic, because i chose it for myself, i still am at loss ☹ i dont even want it anymore ... but guess what there hasn’t been 1 day we didn’t speak to eachother and of course i wouldn’t break that record so yeah here i am writing my heart to you even when you don’t read. i guess it all just happens naturally, because it’s you. overcomplicating everything because i feel everything 50x stringer when you’re involved >:( like even this letter, but i hope you enjoy love <3 but still i love you not just for the good moments, but for all of it. the chaos, the comfort, the silence, the laughs. i love the way you are, the way you talk to me, the way you exist in my life without even trying to be anything other than yourself. i think about all the time we’ve spent together, all those hours that never felt like too much. talking about everything and nothing, staying up way too late, laughing at things no one else would understand. it never felt forced, never felt empty. it was always us, just being us, and somehow that became my favorite place to be. sometimes i wish i could explain to you exactly how much you mean to me, but it’s deeper than words. what we have isn’t loud in the way people expect love to be. it’s not about grand things or perfect moments. it’s in the hours we lose together without noticing. it’s in the way time bends when it’s just us. it’s in the small things that would mean nothing to anyone else but feel like everything to me. it’s in every little habit we have, every inside joke, every moment that’s just ours. no one else would get it, and that’s what makes it so special. you’re not just someone i love. you’re my place, my home, my comfort. my person in a world that feels too big sometimes. like standing under a sky that feels too big but still somehow feels like home. like something i feel in my chest before i can even put it into words. and even with all the distance, even with everything that makes this harder than it should be, though it’s sad i can’t be there with you for this anniversary, but it doesn’t change what this means to me. if anything, it makes me feel it even deeper. because what we have isn’t about being in the same place, it’s about how close you are to me in every way that matters. i still feel you in my days, in my thoughts, in everything i do. distance doesn’t take that away 😊!! even if i can’t stand next to you right now, my heart is still with you, like it always is, like it always will be. so i don’t care about the distance or how things look to anyone else for example some noob friend, nobody can change my mind on how i feel about you and i’ll let anyone know who wants to hear it. what we have is real to me. you are real to me. i’ve never once felt like you weren’t real to me. if anything, you feel more real than things i can touch. this 4th month isn’t just time passing or just a number. it’s a collection of moments that turned into something meaningful. it’s proof. it’s the proof that what we have didn’t just stay a passing feeling, it grew. quietly, deeply, in its own way. and i love that it grew with you. and we didn’t even notice that it’s alrdy 119 DAYS long. i wouldn’t want to miss any anniversary, NEVEREVER. and if i could, and i would choose US & YOU again and again and FOREVER. in every version of ALL the possible WORLDS <3 nd ofc i don’t know exactly what the future looks like for us, but i do know that i want you in it. i want more memories, more conversations, more moments where it’s just us being us. No matter how far apart we are, you still feel one of the closest to my heart. so yeah, happy anniversary my love <3, my blacka, my jaan, my shammas. thank you for being mine, and letting me be yours. you’re the just my forever i didn’t know i could find. thank you for being you. thank you for staying, for caring, for making me feel the way i do, in good and fragile. i’m really, really grateful for you. let’s aim for 690 anniversaries atleast <3

Hi B, I just wanted to say how far our relationship has become. I know it's been less than a week but I'm very thankful for what we've been doing so far and grateful that our bonds are getting stronger and stronger. I'm also glad that you care for me, like you helped me fix the art we've done, you helped me get the hotwheels I've been wanting, and not only that, but you intended to give me flowers. You're the first girl who's ever done that to me. I'm really so thankful that I found you, I'm really thankful that I have been this close to you. It's doing great so far imo. Btw I love the way how you sending hints and anonymous letters it's kinda fun HSHSHSHSHS.

i’m sorry i really just need to get this off my chest. i know you’ll probably never see this, but i have to send it nonetheless. i think it all comes down to the fact that i was scared. it wasn’t that i never loved you, i did. i know i did. but i was just scared. i wish that we would’ve said what we said later on. i wish that when we confessed, it would’ve been not then but now. now i’m much more mature, much more comfortable with what i can call myself and what i can be. but even knowing that, i know it would’ve been futile regardless. i was the one who started crushing on you first. you were the first girl i’d ever had a crush on, and it confused me. but you were always so open about yourself that it made me feel a little better, like i wasn’t doing anything wrong because you were doing it too. melody i know that you would’ve given me everything, and the fact is, you have. you’ve given me all of yourself the way that i never could for you. i was scared. i’m still scared now. i can entertain myself with guys as much as i want, but it’s always been you. i can see myself dating you and being happy. it’s such a clear vision in my mind. no boy would’ve remembered the things you remembered about me. no boy would’ve given me the gifts full of time, thought, and effort the way you did. i would’ve been so happy with you. you would’ve made me so happy and i know it. beyond a shadow of a doubt, i know you would’ve made me the happiest girl alive. i imagine myself dating you, getting to kiss you and hug you and go out on dates. but i’m afraid. i was and i still am. i’m just a little more comfortable with myself. but i know that i will never be truly comfortable with myself. because while i can very clearly see myself dating you and doing all these things with you, i can’t imagine the future. it’s so weird to me. i can imagine myself dating any girl and being happy while i have trouble imagining myself having a boyfriend. but when i think on the future, i can hardly see myself marrying and having a family with anyone at all, but when i do, it’s with a man. i don’t know what i’m afraid of, but i’m so, so afraid. everything i did to you was so unfair. i was our downfall. i was the cause of our death. it was all me. you weren’t just an experience, you were everything. you are everything. no one makes me laugh the way you do, no one does the things you do for me, no one is like you. i could talk to you, watch movies with you, share secrets, talk about my feelings, my fears, all with you. it’s nearly impossible for me to be able to have that with anyone else. there was never anybody else. you were always my person, my second half, my twin flame, my soul. i reminisce about you, about us, and think about how lucky i was to have met you. i never said it, but it hurt me too. losing you hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. i know that i never really lost you, but god did it feel like i did. it felt like a part of me was gone forever. my best friend, my girl. and i’m sorry, i’m so sorry because j know it’s my fault. every time you say it’s not i stay quiet because i know it’s not true. had i not led you on the way i did, maybe right now we’d still be calling every day from the moment we woke up or got home from school to the moment i had to leave first. we’d be watching movies together, we’d be talking, laughing, sitting in comfortable silences, still saying i love you. every day since things ended i’ve felt this regret, and it keeps getting stronger. if hurt to leave you but i couldn’t stay. no matter how much i wanted to, i couldn’t. i will never be fully comfortable with who i am. i know i love you, i know that i really do. j know that in the deepest part of heart, i love you and i will always love you. but we can’t be anything. sometimes i wish i could be selfish and date you. i wish i could feel your kisses and hear your voices telling me all the sweet nothings you used to say. i miss you every day. every day without fail i miss you more than the last. i think about you late at night, i think about you when i hear songs, i think about you when there’s nothing to keep me distracted, i think about you while i watch the water boil. i fantasize about you innocently. getting to kiss you, hug you, have you hold me, have us go on dates, smile at each other, sleep in each others arms. i think about that. i get jealous over you, i cry over you, i get nostalgic over you. all to this day. but as much as i wanted to be selfish, i wont. i can’t. all i’ll do is hurt you even more. i’m so afraid and i don’t know what for. my parents would be supportive, i’d have you, i wouldn’t care about anyone else. but i’m still so afraid. i can’t see myself getting married with anyone but a blurry face of a man. i know that on the day j get married, i’ll think of you. when i get a home, i’ll think of you. when i get that pet cat, i’ll think of you. i could be with anyone and somehow, my thoughts will always lead back to you. i miss you as my best friend and my lover. i try not to show it, i try to keep it hidden, but i still check your accounts sometimes, stare at you when your videos come on my feed, look at every single thing you’ve ever given me, still look for our initials, our months, our signs, all of it. i don’t ever want you to go thinking that after everything that happened, that after everything we said, did, and went through, that i’m fine. that this doesn’t matter to me. because it does. it matters to me more than anything. i love you. i love you, i love you, i love you. you would’ve made me so happy. but i refuse to hurt you more than i already have by selfishly asking you for a chance knowing that it will lead no where. maybe if we date, maybe i’ll get over my fears. but what if i don’t? i’ll leave you heartbroken again. i’ve already lost you once, i don’t think i could live with myself if i lost you again. it was never your fault. it was never about what you were or who you were. it was me, solely me. it was my fault because i will never be able to be who i really am. like i said, i’m much more comfortable now than back then, but my fears are still there. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry we never had what we talked about. i’m sorry i couldn’t give you what we dreamed of. i’m sorry that i have to be so unaccepting of myself. if i wasn’t, we’d years into a relationship. i miss you. i love you. i sound like a broken record but it’s true. you may not have known it, but my world revolved around you too. and it still does. i search for you in everyone. i can’t find you again. and it breaks my heart that we can’t be together the way we both want to be. you would never have to be a boy for me to love you. i love you as you are now, a girl just like me. but things might’ve been easier that way, wouldn’t they? nonetheless, i’d never change a single thing about you. i fell in love with the incredible girl that you are and it will always stay that way. i hope that there’s someone out there who isn’t afraid of what they are and that they can give you what my subconscious has only hoped to. time will pass, but my feelings will never change. even if we don’t talk anymore, even if we’re not as close as we were before, even if i’m not your best friend anymore, i’ll always be here. you’ll always be my best friend no matter what. quite literally the girl of my dreams. i hate that this is the way things have to be. you loved so openly and all i could ever do was keep you at an arms length. you are both my biggest blessing and my biggest regret. my biggest blessing because without you, i don’t know who i would’ve been. you will always be my everything no matter how much time passes. but you are also my biggest regret, because i fell for something that i couldn’t have and i hurt you. i know i hurt you. i hurt you so much. i’m sorry. i know that you’d forgive me, i know that i am forgiven, but take my sorries anyway because you deserve them. i didn’t realize the good i had until i had to let you go. i always appreciated you and everything you did. i’m sorry that i’m this way. there are so many parallels between us and my heart aches. it aches knowing that i truly do love you, and that all my feelings are real and i felt you, i did, but i could never act on it because of my cowardice. i feel like it will never be over. i’ll never stop feeling this way and regretting why i could never be braver. i wish i could say “i do”. i want to reach out, but the thought of that scares me motionless. i want to ask you to never leave me, but that’s disgustingly selfish of me. maybe in a different world, in a different life, we could be together without the weight of anything holding us back. a life where i could be free and love you the way i want to and the way you deserve. i know this isn’t the most comforting closure i could’ve given you, and i know it’ll hurt, but it has to be said, and if i never do, how could i ever expect you to know? sweet girl, i love you. i just can’t keep living like this, with this guilt. tragic, isn’t it? the mystery of love. —K.

i will always be there for you i will always pray for you i will always love you how i do.

though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; i have loved the stars too truly to be fearful of the night.