To my ex

I realized that i will always love you no matter what you do because i didn't fall in love with what you could give me, i fell in love with your soul so your mistakes mean nothing compared to the depth of who you are.

I laugh at the cycle of your actions— spinning, veering, spilling toward collapse. Lucky me, already gone, as it unravels in slow motion

Trish, I write to you with no expectation of forgiveness, nor any hope that these words will alter your opinion of me. I am aware that I have already lost that privilege. Yet I cannot remain silent. You accused me of arrogance—and you were not wrong. I have long mistaken restraint for dignity, and pride for strength. In doing so, I failed not only you, but myself. What I feel for you remains unchanged, though I now understand how poorly I expressed it. I spoke of love as though it were something to defend, rather than something to offer. I will not trouble you further after this. But I needed, at least once, to be known honestly— not as I appeared to you, but as I am when I no longer hide behind myself. Yours, though undeserving, K.

Hey chuu , I don’t know where this finds you now— or who you’ve become in the years that carried us apart. But I know this, you never really left. Not in the dramatic way people imagine,,, no constant ache, no daily longing.... just something quieter, more permanent. Like a song I no longer play but still remember perfectly. Life moved, as it does. I learned new places, new people, new versions of myself. And still. every now and then, something small folds time in half. A laugh that isn’t yours but almost is. A silence that feels familiar. A moment that should belong to the present but somehow carries your shadow. I don’t write this to reopen anything. There’s no expectation in these words. Just honesty, long overdue: You were not a phase. Not a lesson. Not something I “got over.” You became a part of how I understand love— and that doesn’t leave when people do. I hope life has been kind to you. I hope you’ve been loved in ways that feel easy and true. And if, by chance, you ever wonder whether you were forgotten— you weren’t.

I love you, that is all I can say. But I feel it so strongly that I cannot even say it. forever mine, first love.

Im sorry. We have been with eachother since we I was 13 and you were 14, Now you are about to be 18 and me 17. When I first met you I never had a boyfriend before and you were going through a hard breakup from a toxic ex. I used to be innocent and so in love. I wanted to help you, and show you Im not like the girls that broke your heart, and I knew it would be hard with you. Your last relationship made things hard for you, bigger trust problems, and you just not beign fully there for me. We were young but I was so desperatley in love with you. As time went by you cheated on me a couple weeks in, I couldnt understand how you can cheat on me. All I did was show you my love and stick with you through the hardest times. I took you back. As time went by my feelings and emotions relied on you. Like i was obsessed with you. And I as. Youd always threaten to leave me on little things like if i fell asleep on you. Every time we fought or id think youd leave me i would freak out so bad. Until one day I had a full blown panic attack after you blocked me and told me mean such mean names and said youd never be with me again. That night my parents fund out what was really going on in our relationship. Instead of them listening to me, they took my phone and banned me from you. I grew desperate and snuk around to see you, we broke up pubicly in may and never got back together in fear of my parents finding out. But we were still dating eachother. I snuck out to see you, and got caught. That was the worst trouble ive ever gotten in. Finally I get my phone back after we havent had contact in a good while. I told you i coudlt be with you because I was afraid to be in that kinda of trouble again instead on listening to myself and my own feelings. I ended up adding you back and winning you over again which im happy you came back. But things ere hard for me, after so long i started to dee you change for the better just for me. You started treating me so good. I met this other guy. He did the same sport of me but i never notcued him before, he added me on snap and honestly my parents kinda introduced me to him. Before i could even see who this guy really was, hed buy me flowers, and i barely knew him. He bought me whatever i wanted and seemed intrest and care for me. I was still talking to my baby. I was cheating on him. I felt pressured from all the gifts hed buy and my parents on my shoulders, i lost privaleges after sneaking out, but when i met the new guy my parents gave me my trust back because they thought there waso way i could still love you. I treated the new guy like shit. I never hung out or texted him. Eventully you found out, and i never felt more regret and fear of losing you. I ruined us. My selfiness ruined us. As soon as you started to change i ruined us. And for that i will forever be sorry baby.

love uuu till the stars forget how to burn, nd even then, maybe in another universe, i'd still find uuu <3

loveee u till the stars forget how to burn, nd even then, maybe in another universe, i'd still find uuu <3

Dear J, Today would have been our first-year anniversary. Instead, I’m sitting here carrying everything you left behind. You left me. You abandoned me—and you abandoned our unborn child. After you found out I was pregnant, something in you changed. I saw it. I felt it. You became distant, cold, and someone I no longer recognized. And I was left trying to understand how the person who once promised me everything could become someone who walked away like we meant nothing. I know you are confused about your sexuality. I saw things I can’t unsee—the way you held your male best friend’s hand, the way you were happiest when you were with him, the way you would hug him or lie beside him like I didn’t exist in those moments. I saw how you missed him even when you were sitting across from me. I was there, watching all of it, pretending it didn’t hurt me. But if you were confused, you should have said it. If you were not ready, you should have been honest. If you were still figuring yourself out, I should not have been the one paying the price for it. Instead, you promised me a future. And I believed you. Because of that belief, I lost everything. I lost my baby—my Margaux Skye. My first child. The one I already loved before I even got the chance to hold her. She was supposed to be my strength, my reason to keep going, my light when things got hard. But I had to lose her while also losing you at the same time. And the truth is… I am still not okay. I struggle every single day. Some mornings I wake up and for a few seconds I forget everything, and then it all comes back again. The silence. The loss. The questions. The empty space where everything used to be. There are days I function, but I am not really living—I am just surviving what you left behind. You may have moved on in your own way, but I am still here carrying the consequences of your choices, your silence, and your absence. And I need you to understand this: Please don’t use other people to hide who you are. Because in doing that, you don’t just hurt yourself—you break the people who trusted you with their whole heart. I am trying, every day, to rebuild myself from something I did not even get to choose to lose. — Me

i’m sorry i really just need to get this off my chest. i know you’ll probably never see this, but i have to send it nonetheless. i think it all comes down to the fact that i was scared. it wasn’t that i never loved you, i did. i know i did. but i was just scared. i wish that we would’ve said what we said later on. i wish that when we confessed, it would’ve been not then but now. now i’m much more mature, much more comfortable with what i can call myself and what i can be. but even knowing that, i know it would’ve been futile regardless. i was the one who started crushing on you first. you were the first girl i’d ever had a crush on, and it confused me. but you were always so open about yourself that it made me feel a little better, like i wasn’t doing anything wrong because you were doing it too. melody i know that you would’ve given me everything, and the fact is, you have. you’ve given me all of yourself the way that i never could for you. i was scared. i’m still scared now. i can entertain myself with guys as much as i want, but it’s always been you. i can see myself dating you and being happy. it’s such a clear vision in my mind. no boy would’ve remembered the things you remembered about me. no boy would’ve given me the gifts full of time, thought, and effort the way you did. i would’ve been so happy with you. you would’ve made me so happy and i know it. beyond a shadow of a doubt, i know you would’ve made me the happiest girl alive. i imagine myself dating you, getting to kiss you and hug you and go out on dates. but i’m afraid. i was and i still am. i’m just a little more comfortable with myself. but i know that i will never be truly comfortable with myself. because while i can very clearly see myself dating you and doing all these things with you, i can’t imagine the future. it’s so weird to me. i can imagine myself dating any girl and being happy while i have trouble imagining myself having a boyfriend. but when i think on the future, i can hardly see myself marrying and having a family with anyone at all, but when i do, it’s with a man. i don’t know what i’m afraid of, but i’m so, so afraid. everything i did to you was so unfair. i was our downfall. i was the cause of our death. it was all me. you weren’t just an experience, you were everything. you are everything. no one makes me laugh the way you do, no one does the things you do for me, no one is like you. i could talk to you, watch movies with you, share secrets, talk about my feelings, my fears, all with you. it’s nearly impossible for me to be able to have that with anyone else. there was never anybody else. you were always my person, my second half, my twin flame, my soul. i reminisce about you, about us, and think about how lucky i was to have met you. i never said it, but it hurt me too. losing you hurt like nothing had ever hurt before. i know that i never really lost you, but god did it feel like i did. it felt like a part of me was gone forever. my best friend, my girl. and i’m sorry, i’m so sorry because j know it’s my fault. every time you say it’s not i stay quiet because i know it’s not true. had i not led you on the way i did, maybe right now we’d still be calling every day from the moment we woke up or got home from school to the moment i had to leave first. we’d be watching movies together, we’d be talking, laughing, sitting in comfortable silences, still saying i love you. every day since things ended i’ve felt this regret, and it keeps getting stronger. if hurt to leave you but i couldn’t stay. no matter how much i wanted to, i couldn’t. i will never be fully comfortable with who i am. i know i love you, i know that i really do. j know that in the deepest part of heart, i love you and i will always love you. but we can’t be anything. sometimes i wish i could be selfish and date you. i wish i could feel your kisses and hear your voices telling me all the sweet nothings you used to say. i miss you every day. every day without fail i miss you more than the last. i think about you late at night, i think about you when i hear songs, i think about you when there’s nothing to keep me distracted, i think about you while i watch the water boil. i fantasize about you innocently. getting to kiss you, hug you, have you hold me, have us go on dates, smile at each other, sleep in each others arms. i think about that. i get jealous over you, i cry over you, i get nostalgic over you. all to this day. but as much as i wanted to be selfish, i wont. i can’t. all i’ll do is hurt you even more. i’m so afraid and i don’t know what for. my parents would be supportive, i’d have you, i wouldn’t care about anyone else. but i’m still so afraid. i can’t see myself getting married with anyone but a blurry face of a man. i know that on the day j get married, i’ll think of you. when i get a home, i’ll think of you. when i get that pet cat, i’ll think of you. i could be with anyone and somehow, my thoughts will always lead back to you. i miss you as my best friend and my lover. i try not to show it, i try to keep it hidden, but i still check your accounts sometimes, stare at you when your videos come on my feed, look at every single thing you’ve ever given me, still look for our initials, our months, our signs, all of it. i don’t ever want you to go thinking that after everything that happened, that after everything we said, did, and went through, that i’m fine. that this doesn’t matter to me. because it does. it matters to me more than anything. i love you. i love you, i love you, i love you. you would’ve made me so happy. but i refuse to hurt you more than i already have by selfishly asking you for a chance knowing that it will lead no where. maybe if we date, maybe i’ll get over my fears. but what if i don’t? i’ll leave you heartbroken again. i’ve already lost you once, i don’t think i could live with myself if i lost you again. it was never your fault. it was never about what you were or who you were. it was me, solely me. it was my fault because i will never be able to be who i really am. like i said, i’m much more comfortable now than back then, but my fears are still there. and i’m sorry. i’m sorry we never had what we talked about. i’m sorry i couldn’t give you what we dreamed of. i’m sorry that i have to be so unaccepting of myself. if i wasn’t, we’d years into a relationship. i miss you. i love you. i sound like a broken record but it’s true. you may not have known it, but my world revolved around you too. and it still does. i search for you in everyone. i can’t find you again. and it breaks my heart that we can’t be together the way we both want to be. you would never have to be a boy for me to love you. i love you as you are now, a girl just like me. but things might’ve been easier that way, wouldn’t they? nonetheless, i’d never change a single thing about you. i fell in love with the incredible girl that you are and it will always stay that way. i hope that there’s someone out there who isn’t afraid of what they are and that they can give you what my subconscious has only hoped to. time will pass, but my feelings will never change. even if we don’t talk anymore, even if we’re not as close as we were before, even if i’m not your best friend anymore, i’ll always be here. you’ll always be my best friend no matter what. quite literally the girl of my dreams. i hate that this is the way things have to be. you loved so openly and all i could ever do was keep you at an arms length. you are both my biggest blessing and my biggest regret. my biggest blessing because without you, i don’t know who i would’ve been. you will always be my everything no matter how much time passes. but you are also my biggest regret, because i fell for something that i couldn’t have and i hurt you. i know i hurt you. i hurt you so much. i’m sorry. i know that you’d forgive me, i know that i am forgiven, but take my sorries anyway because you deserve them. i didn’t realize the good i had until i had to let you go. i always appreciated you and everything you did. i’m sorry that i’m this way. there are so many parallels between us and my heart aches. it aches knowing that i truly do love you, and that all my feelings are real and i felt you, i did, but i could never act on it because of my cowardice. i feel like it will never be over. i’ll never stop feeling this way and regretting why i could never be braver. i wish i could say “i do”. i want to reach out, but the thought of that scares me motionless. i want to ask you to never leave me, but that’s disgustingly selfish of me. maybe in a different world, in a different life, we could be together without the weight of anything holding us back. a life where i could be free and love you the way i want to and the way you deserve. i know this isn’t the most comforting closure i could’ve given you, and i know it’ll hurt, but it has to be said, and if i never do, how could i ever expect you to know? sweet girl, i love you. i just can’t keep living like this, with this guilt. tragic, isn’t it? the mystery of love. —K.