Goodbye

1. keluarga aku mau jadi anak yg berbakti, tidak menyusahkan mama dan ayah, bisa bikin mereka tenang dan bangga sama aku. aku juga berharap hubungan aku sama mama sama ayah bisa semakin baik, semakin terbuka, dan saling percaya. semoga suatu hari nanti mama sama ayah bisa percaya sama aku dan berani ngelepas aku buat melihat dunia luar tanpa khawatir atau mengekang aku. aku bakal sangat bersyukur kalau suatu saat bisa dapet kepercayaan itu, dan aku mau buktiin kalau kepercayaan mama sama ayah tidak akan aku sia-siain. pokoknya sejauh apa pun aku pergi, aku tetap mau jadi anak yg berbakti dan suatu hari bisa balas semua yg udah mereka kasih ke aku 🤍 2. pendidikan 2024 bisa kuliah di Universitas Brawijaya lewat jalur SNBT, masuk kedokteran dan bisa menjalani kuliah dengan baik sampai jadi dokter. 3. love life ingin cowo di masa kuliah. tapi aku tidak mau pasangan yg introvert. karena aku gengsian aku mau cowo yg inisiatifnya tinggi, ngajak, suka cerita yg tidak aku tahu, terkadang maksa, excited, bisa tantrum kalau aku tidak bales chat, dan tidak membuat aku bingung soal perasaannya. tidak mau yg cool, mau yang keliatan sekali kalau dia suka sama aku. 4. melihat dunia aku ingin melihat dunia luar, pergi ke banyak tempat, ketemu orang baru, dan punya banyak pengalaman. bisa ikut pertukaran pelajar/mahasiswa, belajar di luar negeri, dan kalau ada kesempatan lanjut S2 di sana. ingin ngerasain hidup di tempat baru, belajar, dan pulang dengan lebih banyak cerita, pengalaman, dan wawasan. 5. karier dan kehidupan yang aku mau suatu hari nanti aku mau membangun kehidupan yg aku mau setelah semua pendidikan dan perjuanganku selesai. terjun di dunia kesehatan dan punya praktik mandiri sendiri. setelah itu, aku juga mau membangun keluarga baru yang hangat, penuh kasih sayang dan tidak saling mengekang. mau kehidupan yang cukup, bisa membantu orang lain, bisa membahagiakan mama sama ayah, dan akhirnya bisa bilang kalau semua yg aku perjuangin selama ini tak sia".

1. keluarga aku mau jadi anak yg berbakti, tidak menyusahkan mama dan ayah, bisa bikin mereka tenang dan bangga sama aku. aku juga berharap hubungan aku sama mama sama ayah bisa semakin baik, semakin terbuka, dan saling percaya. semoga suatu hari nanti mama sama ayah bisa percaya sama aku dan berani ngelepas aku buat melihat dunia luar tanpa khawatir atau mengekang aku. aku bakal sangat bersyukur kalau suatu saat bisa dapet kepercayaan itu, dan aku mau buktiin kalau kepercayaan mama sama ayah tidak akan aku sia-siain. pokoknya sejauh apa pun aku pergi, aku tetap mau jadi anak yg berbakti dan suatu hari bisa balas semua yg udah mereka kasih ke aku 🤍 2. pendidikan 2024 bisa kuliah di Universitas Brawijaya lewat jalur SNBT, masuk kedokteran dan bisa menjalani kuliah dengan baik sampai jadi dokter. 3. love life ingin cowo di masa kuliah. tapi aku tidak mau pasangan yg introvert. karena aku gengsian aku mau cowo yg inisiatifnya tinggi, ngajak, suka cerita yg tidak aku tahu, terkadang maksa, excited, bisa tantrum kalau aku tidak bales chat, dan tidak membuat aku bingung soal perasaannya. tidak mau yg cool, mau yang keliatan sekali kalau dia suka sama aku. 4. melihat dunia aku ingin melihat dunia luar, pergi ke banyak tempat, ketemu orang baru, dan punya banyak pengalaman. bisa ikut pertukaran pelajar/mahasiswa, belajar di luar negeri, dan kalau ada kesempatan lanjut S2 di sana. ingin ngerasain hidup di tempat baru, belajar, dan pulang dengan lebih banyak cerita, pengalaman, dan wawasan. 5. karier dan kehidupan yang aku mau suatu hari nanti aku mau membangun kehidupan yg aku mau setelah semua pendidikan dan perjuanganku selesai. terjun di dunia kesehatan dan punya praktik mandiri sendiri. setelah itu, aku juga mau membangun keluarga baru yang hangat, penuh kasih sayang dan tidak saling mengekang. mau kehidupan yang cukup, bisa membantu orang lain, bisa membahagiakan mama sama ayah, dan akhirnya bisa bilang kalau semua yg aku perjuangin selama ini tak sia".

You keep giving me excuses to break my heart. I forgave you so many times and I know I’m not a great person but still. Why? Why does it hurt to love you? Why do you hurt me? -W

For a moment there, you did have me wondering. Were you the one? Maybe you could have been. Or maybe we were just never meant to be. You weren’t perfect, and I wasn’t expecting you to be. There were things you did that I kept a mental record of, but none of it was serious enough for me to walk away or really reevaluate things. You were sweet, you made me feel secure, you were patient, and you made me feel special. You would say all these cute things, talk about your dreams of us and everything, and make it seem like you could actually see a future with me. When you first said “imy,” it threw me off. It felt too early for me to say it back, but then you asked, “Aren’t you gonna say it back?” So I did. And well, I did mean it later on, but initially, I definitely felt a bit pressured to say it back. You’d also tell me you were going to do these sweet little things for me. Carry my bag. Get me flowers. Buy me little trinkets. And I believed you. Sometimes I wondered if you wanted credit for things you said you would do but never actually did. I saw it happening, and I let it happen because… I liked you. One of the things that always confused me was how you had dated so much but hadn’t had a relationship in so long. That just never really added up to me. You told me you got bored easily, and that you were surprised you hadn’t gotten bored of me yet. At the time, I felt special hearing that. Looking back, maybe I should have paid more attention to what you were actually telling me. Maybe you just like the idea of pursuing someone, I don’t know. And maybe you were only ever meant to be mine for a moment. Honestly? Maybe that was enough. Maybe that was all it was ever meant to be. Little things started adding up. You made me feel happy and then suddenly you made me feel confused. I spent a whole week overthinking, trying to figure out if something was off, wondering whether I was just being the crazy overthinker. I kept looking for little signs that something had changed. And then we planned our next date. Suddenly I felt secure again, because why would we mutually plan a date if it wasn’t something we both wanted? I dismissed all my overthinking and thought we were in a good place. Not even half a day later, you ended things. Obviously, that was your choice to make. But you had me overthinking, then feeling secure because I thought we were in a good place, and then suddenly I was hurt because I genuinely thought we had been okay. So yeah. That was shitty of you, FYI. But in a way, I think I learned something from it. I realized I had been settling for someone I believed had potential, rather than the person who was actually standing in front of me. You were a good person. I don’t doubt that you tried to be, at least. And I wasn’t perfect either. I’m sure there were things I could have done better. But I did my best to be a good person to you. I cared about you. I tried to treat you well. I was genuine with you. And I think that’s part of why this hurt so much. You weren’t some horrible person. You were good to me in a lot of ways. I liked you. I really did. But at some point during that last week, I started questioning your words. I started noticing the difference between the way you treated me and the way I wanted to be treated. As much as it hurt, I think the way you ended things was probably the move that made the most sense. Because I didn’t want to be treated the way I had been treated that week. I didn’t want to constantly feel confused and insecure about where I stood with someone I cared about. Maybe that was the realization I needed. Because liking you wasn’t enough for me to look past the way you treated me that week. I can’t unsee how confused and insecure I felt, and I don’t think I should have to. And I’m not going to pretend there isn’t still a small part of me that wonders what could have happened. Maybe if we had met at a different point in our lives, with a little more maturity or experience behind us, some things might have landed differently. Maybe we would have handled things differently. Maybe we could have worked. I don’t know. But I do know that I don’t want to hold onto the potential of what we could have been instead of accepting what we actually were. I don’t wish you any harm. I hope you figure life out. I hope you find what you’re looking for. But I hope you know that the way you handled things hurt me, and it wasn’t fair to me. It was shitty. I was good to you. I cared about you. I gave you a chance, and I let myself believe the things you told me. I didn’t deserve to be handled that way. I know I didn’t. So, final words. I hope, at some point, you realize that the way you handled things was unfair, and that your words mean something to the person you’re saying them to. I hope you try to be more genuine in the future. Don’t talk unless you mean it. From Nerd

hai manja cinta, cinta nak cakap yang cinta nak sangat tengok baby berjaya. cinta faham baby sekarang dah bosan dengan cinta and cinta tak dapat nak buat apaa apaa dengan benda tu. cinta harap jalan yang baby pilih ni sesuai dengan apa yang baby harapkan. cinta tak kisah whoever you're with right now. cinta harap baby happy dengan apa yang baby dapat. cinta mintak maaf 2 tahun kita ni cinta takdapat nak bagi baby macam macam. mungkin sebabtu baby bosan dengan cinta baby lose interest dengan cinta kan? cinta terima keputusan baby. cinta support semua yang baby buat. don't push yourself to the limit, sayang. oftenly take a break to relief your mind n body. jaga diri Nur Raisha Humaira. i love you so much not even numbers could scale it. 27/7/24 till forever <3

I wish you loved me as much as I love you but its clear that will never happen I dont wish you happiness and good things in life anymore I hope you hit rock bottom and crumble into pieces because that's all you deserve, for hurting not just me countless times but everyone else I wish you were sorry and had a heart to even question if you hurt someone's feelings but I know you never will. We had a lot of good times together and I like to think back on those but I need to learn how to stop because you domanik is what's holding me back from my biggest potential I wish we never met I wish you were never apart of my story i know you won't ever think about me again unless its talking shit on me and lying about things I apparently did but we both know Id never hurt you and that I was truly the only one who actually loved you and gave you joy in life. So I'm saying goodbye Im done thinking about you, bringing you up in random conversations I never want to hear your name or see your disgusting pathetic bitch ass face again.

haiiiii udah mau 2 tahunan ya kan, gimana di bandung? pengen konpes tp u dah ada yg punya wkwkwkwkw, manifesting one day we will meet again, semangat!

I wish I could really show you how much I love you, yet I am a nobody compared to her. I am so sorry that I don't have the talent to make it to you. You would never know anyways. But I hope you're happy with her.

HI, JAP. I KNOW YOU'RE OKAY NOW, AKALA KO TALAGA MEANT TO BE TAYO - PERO HINDI. WE WERE BOTH IMMATURE BACK THEN. I JUST WISHED YOU COULD HAVE SAID SORRY, BUT YOU DIDN'T. SANA MASAYA KA NA NGAYON.

Felipe, te conocí en un momento que no esperaba. La verdad es que me interesaste. Me preguntabas cosas de mí, la forma en que decías mi nombre o cómo me hablaste con tanta confianza, me generaste mucha curiosidad. Yo sé que es raro, que en solo unas horas lograste engancharme pero es la realidad JAJAAJ, es lo que siento, me caíste bien. Me gustó tu forma de ser y de joderme diciendo “¿estás segura que no tomás?” cuando ni siquiera me gusta hacerlo. Cuando pienso en todo eso me da mucha curiosidad y una sensación de que todo terminó muy rápido. Te conocí una noche y ya te vas. Literalmente, desde que hablamos pensaba en que si te ibas, no te iba a volver a ver. Parecía muy relajada, pero pensaba muchas cosas mientras hablábamos o mientras yo jodía. Cosas como que sé que si te vas no te voy a volver a ver porque sos de Mendoza, y que me daba vergüenza pedirte el número solo porque no quería que pensaras que lo hago con todos los chicos. Pero literalmente solo con vos pensé en pedirte el número, y es raro justamente por eso. Solo te conocí unas horas, pero fueron las mejores horas que pasé en toda la noche. Me quedó tu linda sonrisa y tus hoyuelos en la mente, tu forma de mirarme y la forma en que eras conmigo. No sabés cómo pensaba todo el tiempo: Felipe se va a ir a Mendoza y no lo voy a ver más. Y cuando te bajaste del auto y dejaste abierta la puerta, pensé que vos me ibas a decir algo. Algo que esperaba tanto. Pero solo te quedaste ahí, como pensando, se cerró la puerta del auto y arrancó. Y ahí supe que ya no te iba a ver más. Porque aunque te quedes dos días más en San Juan, no sé cómo encontrarte o contactarte. Quería quedarme y hablar más con vos. Me hubiera gustado conocerte más.Ahora te vas a Mendoza y yo me quedo acá pensando en una noche que duró unas horas, pero que por alguna razón a mí se me hizo más grande que eso.No sé si vos te acordarás de mí en alguna momento. No sé si después de irte pensarás en mí.Pero yo sí pienso en vos, más de lo que esperaba.Y bueno, esta carta no tiene ningún destinatario ya que no tengo como contactarte. Capaz nunca la leas. Pero necesitaba decir lo que pienso en algún lugar.

Hi coco ( this is a nickname you don't know you have from last month exactly), I just can't do it anymore, the constant posh and pull, its ruining me. After years of pretending and years of not pretending that your this trait of randomly leaving me on wait affects me. But i guess you can never change a person if they don't even realize they need to. I have realized that i was never a priority, and never will be, no matter how many times you say otherwise but darling actions speak louder than words. Always. Because priorities don't wait for excuses. Khair, all of this doesn't matter anymore. This is me trying to let you go, this is me letting you free of myself. At this time when i have left no one to turn to, don't let me keep you too. Keep being busy untill you find me no more. This is me being free of expectations (again).This is me wanting to see you free, happy and burden less. This is me being selfless. This is me loving you. This is me being me. Forever and ever never a priority. I hope you'll forgive me this hurts you, if me prioritizing myself bothers you, i hope you'll let me go easily. Happy memories. Goodbye, be happy <3 Ps; we'll still talk, we'll still share reels, songs that feel good songs that hurt too good, but this is me trying to let you go.

Dear S, I am closing the book on this chapter today, not out of lingering anger or resentment, but out of absolute clarity. For months, I carried the weight of what happened: the sudden silence, the broken trust, the gaslighting, and the pain of realizing how easily a deep connection could be discarded for shallow validation. I spent countless hours trying to make sense of the loop, searching for answers, and wondering how two people who clicked so effortlessly could end up on opposite sides of a divide. I used to think I was the one who was left behind or not chosen. But looking at the facts with a calm mind, the reality is much simpler: we were two fundamentally incompatible people operating on vastly different core values. I valued depth, loyalty, and genuine emotional honesty. You operated in a world of digital smoke and mirrors, surface-level validation, and shifting alliances. A bridge built on thin ice could never hold us for long. I acknowledge my own mistakes...the anxious loops, the defensiveness, and the ways I let my boundaries collapse to keep a fragile dynamic alive. But those mistakes were lessons, not a life sentence. The intensity and depth I brought to our friendship didn't come from you; it came from my own soul. I am taking all of that energy, creativity, and capacity for loyalty back. It belongs to me. I no longer feel the sharp sting of betrayal, nor do I feel the need to look for unsent words on quiet screens. The emotional charge has cleared. What you do, who you talk to, and how you live your life is no longer my narrative to trace or decode. This is the last time your name takes up space in my thoughts or my journals. The door is closed, the gates are locked, and your memory is finally laid to rest. I wish you well on whatever path you choose, but our shared story ends right here. From Someone You Used To Know

I wasn't in the headspace at the time to be in a relationship. You came so unexpectedly. Thank you, mutual friend. I never knew I wanted a real family until I met you. Isn't it crazy how, after you meet someone, you start thinking abt it all? I know we both were so far away from each other. 20-24 hrs. But that didn't stop us. It was your first question after I confessed I liked you on the call. It didn't take me long to like you, even off text. You were very dry on text when I met you, but you really changed. I almost lost you for a mere moment. But something kept me going. I still was trying. You would send pictures of yourself often, face selfies, voice memos as well. And you wanted to have a call. You were the most extroverted person I've ever met in my life on call. I guess you can't judge somebody off text. One call grew to many, and a couple hours grew to seven. You made me love calling so much. I didn't even want to text you because I wanted to hear your voice in the moment. I was so close-minded, but you opened me to so many more possibilities. Even online, I pushed myself for you. I would mimic what you did unto me. We were so alike and very mature for our age. We had the same morals and beliefs. I never knew that after only a few months, you feel like they're the person that you can marry. And we tried—we tried really hard, everything that we could, to get married. We both loved each other so much. If there was only one thing that we disagreed on, it was the God that we believed in. I even tried converting for you, after I turned that one down the first time around, I still wanted interfaith, I wanted to make it work. You know, I thought that was the whole reason alone why we couldn't work, but I guess not everything's so one-sided. I figured out I never even would have had a chance because your family was the source of the decision, I wasnt muslim. You both confirmed that on our hour and a half call. I needed to know, so I didn't have any regrets from when I turned it down the first time. Thinking if I was prepared, would the yes at the start change anything? No. It wouldn't. The truth is, I knew all along the answer was a no for us, but I still tried. I felt such a heavy weight on my chest, and I knew that it wouldn't sit right with me if we proceeded. 6 people mutually agreed. That doesn't means a lot. I know we were saved from much trouble. Your religion is so strict and different. What are the odds that nothing would go wrong. We knew. I know the first no was the smartest thing from me. But when you're so deeply attached to a person, you want to try to do anything, even if it means risking it all for them. I wish we started through your dad, not you. I didn't know that you both were so intertwined. Your dad would help you with this guidance, much needed. He was the wisest of us all. This experience told me that it's very important, especially for someone from a vastly different culture, to really go through parents first. We would have saved ourselves some time and It wouldn't hurt so much. It also tells me that even though you were so smart, knowledgeable, aligned, and disciplined, you didn't even know what you were doing because you were in love as well. I can't blame you, but you told us that we had a chance. The truth is, we never did because I wasn't Muslim. You told me it's preferable, not impossible. And I am Christian, I know your dad previously mentioned that, if everything aligns, we could end up with each other. But distance was also a very huge factor. Guess not everything aligned. I feel a little bit conflicted because your dad got in the way of a lot of your own decisions, but I know he saved you, too. That doesn't go discounted. We talked about a life with no rules. We wanted to escape into this fantasy, we loved each other so much. Even after the first time around, the decision was made. We still kept in touch for four weeks, but it was a very strange dynamic. We both were still processing everything, and we still loved each other. It's like we didn't want it to end. But it was all wrong for us to keep in touch because there were mixed feelings and hope still left, and I feel like we would have done something very unholy with each other if we met up. When we were texting, it didn't feel like we were actually healing and moving on. It's like we kept each other apart from that. I didn't feel right about it, and I knew that we should stop what we were doing. But how could we if we were so addicted to each other, and we had fun doing it, and I couldn't say no to you? I wanted everything to be without any boundaries. There's no fun in that. After the second decision came around and your dad actually got involved again, silence has been the only thing I've been most familiar with. I don't think we'll ever return to even that stage again, because that has passed and it just didn't work for us. We were in a very gray area. I've been thinking to myself. It's not that I don't regret not being grateful, but I kind of wish I was still texting you. Because I miss you so much, and I don't wake up to any of your texts anymore, and it's like we're strangers again. I don't have much going in my life without you. You're the one doing all the work, studying and all. But I know we had to go through this again to really smack us back into a sense of reality. You see, there was never just friends. It was always mixed. And at this point, I don't think we have anything to gain being friends because once you get married, we're not gonna even call anymore. It's gonna be over forever. I know there's still time between, and it makes you think it would be best to keep them along for the ride before all of that. But I just don't know if I could trust myself with you and say no to you. Your dad told you to limit contact with me, and it's best. Prefer to never talk again. I see you were really listening this time. It's been three days since I've heard from you. I don't think I'm gonna initiate anything, but I did mention on the call that I at least wanted to keep the weekly calls because they were very special. I still wish that we texted during the week, but I feel like texting is a lot more concentrated, and we could get caught up a little bit easier. As the days go by, I'm even contemplating weekly calls. It's like I want everything at once. I know if you texted me, I would follow your lead and I would be open to it, but I just don't know if I could take that first initiative. I think I'm secretly waiting for you. Your dad and you have come to an agreement that it's up to me what I want to do with us at the end. But isn't that just a polite way of letting go? Saying goodbye? I think it's best if we both put effort into it, and we all know when a girl leads, nothing goes forward. Has to be mutual. If you don't initiate this week's call, then that's it forever. Nothing will come from me. I would take it as a sign to move on. You always initiated every call. I know you said it's not like we'll never text, but what is the fun of limiting messages with each other if we can't have it fully in a way where we can do what we want and text at any given time? Sometimes I hate how you're such a little puppy with your father. But I wish you actually followed your potential wife's lead. Maybe if you weren't so brainwashed by your father, things would be different. That's just a little bit of my anger speaking out. I find myself still waiting for your text messages, but I don't know if I'm delusional. Remember when you said that it would be our little sandbox, and that we would be against the world? Well, it doesn't seem like that anymore. Actually, never, because it was always your father in the background, lurking, and whatever we did had to be bypassed from him. He would have to make the decision if I get a yes or no for approval regarding being a wife. I hope he's happy with keeping his son tucked away. You went to an all-boys school. You never had a girl like you before. You never even had a friend that was a girl so close like me. I hope your father's happy now, and I hope you're as happy as him. For continuing to be secluded, I only came into your life for a little bit, I guess. But I hope you learned a lot from it, and I hope that this was the best decision for us. Look at you now, secluded again. No excitement, but the strict life you were raised up in. What's the fun in that? You weren't such a goody-two-shoes. We both did things behind your father's back, and that felt good, rebelling against him, because it was my space now, It was my domain, my lead. As of now, I don't necessarily know where we stand in the way of friendship. We may do weekly calls. We may text here and there, but I just don't know if we should end it. Overall, I can't be trusted with that decision that was given unto me. At this point, I wish you both made it. Both, because you guys are so equally aligned. It's like I want to text and call you, but then I don't at the same time, because I know that I will never be that wife in your life, like I get nothing out of it, just a temporal friend. Before you go on a search for a mate. It's like, am I that lonely and desperate? Yeah, the truth is, I am. Or maybe I just love you so much. Having you as a friend is as close as I can get. Even for the short time we have. The time before you create a new family. I think, in a way, it'll be easier for us to bridge the gap if we stay in touch. I knew you didn't want me to sacrifice anything. You told me. But that wasn't the only element. Everything is so grey with you. No black and white. I want to be careful before regretting anything. I know that the dynamic we had, had to end. But I feel like this was the only way that we both could really follow, if another person said it for us. But it's like now I lost you forever, though, because of that. Like I don't even have my best friend anymore. I guess it always bites you later when you don't stand up for yourself. You love talking sexual things. I never restricted you from that. I didn't want to be the one to put us back into place. So, your dad is. I swear I didn't do this on purpose. I was walking at the park with my mom, and she asked me a question: If I knew how everything would end, would I only want to be friends? It's too complicated. You don't know what you don't know. It was eating me alive in the beginning. I wanted to know if he was gonna be my future husband. The way I feel right now, I feel like I want to be just friends. We have history tho. I guess we were another case of romance ruined friendship. You were always a romantic partner to me, rather than just a friend. So, to be friends, I don't know if we can necessarily do that. It was so good, though, being in the gray area, because I knew we got everything we wanted. Our hopes with each other kept us alive, even though you didn't announce it to your dad fully yet. We wanted to do everything together before you brought it up to him, because it was extremely serious. But the truth is, we still took too long. And even your dad said that. The only wise one in the whole thing was your dad all along. We knew the truth, but we didn't want to admit it.Now it's so easy to be distant, just because it was left on your dad once again. And, of course, you're a little puppy, so you're gonna follow him. Only when Dad says it now, you listen. Now, you go silent. It's like, who are you choosing here, buddy? I don't know if you prioritized me as much as I wanted, but I don't know if I can argue with that either. Sometimes I think, if you really, really loved me, would you? But I knew you loved me. And I thought if I wasn't good enough, but you told me you're just so, so beautiful, you know? So that wasn't the issue. The truth is, I know we both said no to save ourselves from trouble. You went with it all along, and I made like five proposals. I wouldn't say it's that you don't trust me, but it's just probably going to happen again if we still keep in touch. So it's like more truth than trust. But you gave me false hope. You told me that you would come to my state, my country, and we would just do whatever we wanted. Because sometimes thinking so much prevents us from what we actually want. Too much logical thinking isn't good, either. You agreed with quite a few things I've mentioned, but I don't know if you actually did all the way. Maybe you were just too horny. We said we would just do it if we met up, without thinking. That way, a baby could hold us together. Anything to escape reality, I guess. But you're too logical. You even mentioned it yourself that some thinking will have to be required. Just then, I didn't have a chance.It's like good thing distance kept us apart, because we're kind of dangerous together. I don't know what could happen if we were both alone. I just know if one touch would ruin it all, and it would start everything, I don't think I could restrain from that. I actually never wanted to have kids. I never told you that. Even now, I'm still contemplating on it with somebody else, but with you, I feel like if we met up, I would do it for the sake of keeping you. I would grow to love these children, because you would be such an amazing father that it's hard not to, and you have such amazing traits. With you, I would have a kid. It makes me think now that it's not impossible, and I don't not want kids. It just has to probably be the right person. I know. We even hypothetically spoke about it in games we were playing. You would teach me how to be an incredible mother. It would come naturally, I believe. These plushies are still on your bed and your pillow, I'd hope. And this big box that I sent you all the way from America is still in your closet. And these chocolates that you eat daily, I know it reminds me of you of me, and your kitty, and your plane models / aviation related things. I remember you telling me that you will never get rid of them because it reminds you of how much loved you were. It's true, but I can't seem to keep the pictures on my night table. These pictures of things that resonate with you, because I feel like it's only gonna hurt me. You are so strong. I wish I was yours, and I wish we could be in love like that once again. It feels so amazing. You told us that we should end it before we get more attached, but I'm afraid it's too late for that. I found it amazing being loved by you. That's only one side that I got to see. It was addicting, but also annoying to the point where I was turning away. I think it was just too much. I've never felt loved like that before. We would text all day, every day. Never a dull moment. I never knew we would potentially drift away like this. You even told me we would still be in touch after your wife, but it would be limited and no more phone calls. I understood that, but not to this extent. I didn't think we would leave this early. I still wonder what's going to happen between us.I feel like I want to initiate, but I'm praying if I should do that. Scared. We both were 19 when we met. I will never forget all the emotions I felt with you. This experience has taught me so much about everything, and because of you, I got so much closer to my God. I can't thank you enough for that. And I drink a lot of water, too. And I know nobody ever will send you this big of a box like I did in your lifetime. The whole thing cost around $900 to send. No, you'll never forget anything, and I wonder how you feel about us now.I know you're a guy, so you're probably gonna move on so much faster. You're already rubbing it in my face about your future wife. And I know you're not perfect. I know you feel it, too. It's hard to live without you in my life. I literally want to die. And I know the answer is right, but you don't feel relieved like you wanted to feel. I know that God and your father and yourself saved me from everything. But what if I didn't want to be saved? What if I wanted to go through all the dirt with you? Every time I hear a plane, it reminds me of you. Every time I see it, it's you. You love playing so much, and you're gonna do amazing. You're so obsessed with it, and I hope your family loves you so much—even more than I do.I can't imagine you having little kids run around and a wife.Thinking about it too much hurts me. I fell in love with a Muslim man. And Islam is great, like I have no shade against it, but some of the things I do believe are wrong.I wish you were closer in my denomination, at least. I wish it didn't even have a denomination, so it could be easier, ironically.But the more that we stay in touch, I feel like there's a potential for something to change. I just don't know why, but I still have hope.I miss you so, so much. It hurts. I don't have anybody else in my life as practical as you, and I don't think I ever will.Well, that's not too true, but I like to think it. There's billions of people, I know. There's so much more of you: your traits, your personality. You incarnated. Haha im only kidding. I wonder what's going to happen from here on out. It's been three days.Longest we've ever went without communication.It's like now I'm only healing. But it's like talking to you prevented that from healing—the feelings, anyway. I just didn't know how much it would hurt. Trying to comfort myself with words like, "You aren't even a good texter. Why should I stay in touch with you?" but it's still you. Behind that phone call, it's still you. You also taught me how to become more extroverted. Even your dad thought I was outgoing, which is crazy to even think about. Taught me that it's okay to say anything, without asking so many questions.Because they're talking, things do get answered.It's interesting, because you were never the one to ask questions also. But I still knew everything about you. Oh my love, how life has to be very difficult! How parents have to get in the way!How religion is extremely important—more than I realized—because of this experience.How distance is actually a very important factor, and I bypassed that as well. My mom told me distance alone is enough for it not to even work.But I know we could have made it work. It's just sometimes when you try too hard, it's also not good.If you keep forcing everything and keep going against it, what good will come out? We weren't blessed. It's just so gray. How could I lose you forever?How could you give me the decision to take it in my hands how we end? You told me that we would still stay in touch.I can't go by you. I just can't.That decision alone makes it easier than looking at the past. Sometimes we can't keep looking at the past; we have to look at the present, and see what happens, where we are. To avoid all this, don't even end up with somebody of a vastly different religion. Because now I've brought this upon myself, and I have to deal with all the consequences that are entailed. It's not a fun process, but you've got to go through it. I still had lots of fun, even though I knew I would get nothing out of it. Just like sending that box, I did it for the experience. I miss you. I love you so much, and I wish you the best in your life. I thought I could convert you, but I hope SDA finds you in some way. I just can't guarantee that I'll be available.

I miss your so much. I will miss you for the rest of my life. BROOKLYN

I miss you. So much. But I don't miss the person you can be. I don't miss the SA. I don't miss you forcing me to get drunk. I don't miss the abuse. But the good times make me miss you. When we were baking together at midnight. When we would lay on the couch and watch movies or blast the tv so loud playing something stupid that made us laugh that your parents would yell at us. The time we painted matching jeans even though I hated wearing jeans your smile was worth it. But everytime I miss those times I remember you grabbing my chest while I tried to sleep. The fear of what you did when you got me to overdose into sleep. The countless times you convinced me I was unlovable. The times you stole my phone and blocked the only people who could convince me to leave you. The pictures you forced me to take. I can never forget the feeling of your hands around my throat while you held a pillow over my face. It keeps me up at night. But I wonder if there is a version of you that some people only get to see the good side. Was I the only one who saw the bad side? I know no one will believe me if I tell them about the abuse. Maybe it doesn't matter if they believe me. I hate you. But I miss you. You made me so dependent on you I don't know what to do now that I left you.

Hello Idkr y I'm sending u something "anonymously" again, and I doubt you'll see this. Tbf this is wrong in so many levels lol. I just also want to have that breakthrough, to not care and just focus on what matters now, on what's in my life currently, not the what ifs and the things that alr happened in the past. Yk, recently, I've encountered a tiktok post tapos part nung conversation is this "I don't care about her anymore and tell her to stop watching my life because I'm not interested to whatever's going on to hers", and that hit hard. I want to stop being curious of ur life because I'm not part of it anymore. Most of the time I do hope that you'll say that to me too, to end this toxic attachment of mine to the past. Because I know u don't care whatever the fuck is happening in my life anymore. Minsan din iniisip ko na what if we talked again, and eventually end up being friends, but that doesn't really sit well with me, and maybe it wont to u also—given of how much I've hurt u in the past. I want to say sorry for being a self centred bitch and a pathetic loser. I know it's my responsibility and choice to fully let go, so i guess I'll deal with this. belated happy anniv pala lovebirds. I am happy that ure happy /*genuinely. Goodbye, Aki. Thank you for everything. Goodbye to all the nicknames we had for each other HAHAHA. Goodbye sa handshake natin na i cant remember anymore lol. Goodbye to all the emails/letters. Goodbye to the guy i started loving 4 years ago. Goodbye to the love u had for me. Goodbye to the love i had for u. Goodbye to all the good memories and experiences we shared together. Goodbye to the silent resentment i/we had for each other. Goodbye to the shortcomings that we had for each other. Goodbye to the what ifs and what couldve been. Goodbye to our promise. Goodbye to the future we onced hoped for. Goodbye to everything that reminds me of u. Goodbye to the person who was once my sure thing. Goodbye, mon soleil. No more to the moon and back. sana last na to.

It dosent hurt me anymore. I moved on and I hope you do to. I don’t hate you I just don’t love you. I hope you move on and fall inlove with someone else and enjoy it.858111

Im sorry for everything I can't really face you because of what happened im so sorry lex, I tried to be a better person for you, for me, for us. But it doesn't do justice to what I've done... I also noticed you seem to like someone new, Please dont let what happened to us ruin the perception of love to you, she deserve a far more purer love than what I got and I hope the both of you would be happy and slowly start a life together. I wont bother you or ask for a closure. I dont deserve your energy and presence right now. I am enamored by your love and I truly submit to you but what can these words do to the pain and confusion I caused you. Im truly sorry lex. If I ever get the privilage to see you again, I hope to see you glowing and happy. Please know I love you. xoxo some kid

Hey Barnie, This project was hella good with you innit mate, I really hope to see you again, you are AMAZING and Caring person, tbh I have a Huge Crush on you, it doesn't matter who am I bc Im kinda closeted and it was uncomfortable to me to tell you in person, bc of u knew that I am gay idk how you would have reacted Soo I kept quiet, ik u had crush on some other boy but it doesn't matter maybe u didn't, either way.... Hope to see you soon XCX Anonymous

I miss you so much, to the point it hurts me that you were the one who left. I've never got to know why did you do that or what did i do wrong and i really want the answer that i know I'll never get from you. You blocked me and telling me to live my life fully but it wil never be fullfil becuase you weren't in my life anymore, remember the day before you blocked me? Haha we played a game called "a long road" and I was so tired I went to bed first but before I was about to leave, you said we'll play later but guess there was no more later now. You didn't even give me a chance to play with you one last time and uhm hey I counted it all, you gave me 43 kisses even though those are just texts I love that and i am so sorry that i didn't show you enough love before i tried. You'll never know that I actually figured it out that your roblox user was .. yk since when you showed me your grinding scene with your alt account tbh I dont want you to leave me but what can I do? It's your choice and i cant control it.. idek if you really loved me or just want to feel loved by someone and I couldn't give what you want so you left. At this point i dont even care as long as you're here for me to keep loving you that will be really great but sighhh there's no more you. I've only played game with you once and that's suck i keep blaming myself why didn't I stay longer? why didn't I give you more love? and oops i had a feeling that you have other and i feel really guilty about this.. you thought i was 2 hours ahead of you but im actually 4 hours ahead and wdym by hindu? im not. You forgot my name becuase you keep calling me sweet nicknames but ykw i LOVE that.. i love and miss you so much i could turn into my old self and write a whole paragraph of how i love you like right now.. I remember telling you to sleep well and have sweet dreams not sleep well and then gone out of my life so sudden.. You play JJS, CW and raised a floppa 2 while i was feeling sick in the head.. I havent cried for someone in so long and you are the first person to make me fucking cry this year. You mentioned cuddling with me 10 times.. wow! you want me to cuddling with air? or what you aren't here anymore.. yuma , MY yuma i love you so much, you said im yours and you are MINE.. huh? where are you to be mine now???? why did you have to leave me this way what about staying as friend? i wont bite you, yuma. I can control myself, friend is friend i wont cross the line as long as you're here i can admire you as A FRIEND not as "a girl who like you". I thought letting you vent to me, try to make you feel better and everything will make u stay but NO you chose to leave.. is it becuase i dont look good? is it becuase i dont send my selfie regulary like other couples? is it becuase i dont update about my life that much? i just dont want to bother you.. i thought it will make you stay... TO THE CONCLUSION; I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I WILL WAITFOR YOU PLEASE UNBLOCK ME PLEASE TALK TO ME -Your K. 💐