Closure

I should tell these things to your face coz I think you have no idea, but that's no excuse to be the way you were with me for the past year. I know we only had a short thing, and we both left it in a grey area, but the way you put me on a shelf and dust me down every once in a while, so I'm still there, affected me more than you think. The shitty thing is that regardless of how you treated me and how mad I am, I think about you all the time. It sucked so much to see you with someone you became friends with at the same time as we were getting to know each other, but they got to stay in your life and build a connection with you while you took any opportunity away from me to show you who I really am or get to know you and figure out what this thing is. It is certainly time to let this go.

To my dearest Bacek, I hope you never get this letter (of me weeping over you lmao) since i love lurking around websites like this. I think this is the best and safest way to let out what i held in my heart without ruining anyone's relationship. I was listening to Honeybee by Olivia Rodrigo, and i guess you can see why AHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA i actually very much hate it when i saw this title in OR's songs lineup. but it caught my heart right away. I pray that you are in the pink of health, landed on some high-paid job somewhere (i hope it's singapore lmao), and i hope you no longer suffer as you did with me (pretty sure you're happy with her, engagement when ? or more like, marriage when? AHHAHA). I don't really hope and i dont ever dare to think I could go back to you, but nah, not when you're living a content life with her already. let's just say if you ever need me, one day, just hit me up. i think you already saved my new number, or did you already delete it? :') anyways, i hope i can talk to you for one last time during our convocation day. see you in october! love you still but gonna bury it deep. :p

There's so much I want to say but I just don't know how to say it, I dont want to just make this me saying I'm sorry over and over again but I feel like that what it's gonna end up being.. the biggest regret I have is not ever making clear enough how I truly felt and not staying for when it got too hard, I should've done so much more to prove I loved you, I should've done more to fight for the relationship and just tell you regardless of how much I was going through that I never wanted to shut you out, I just got scared and didn't want to hurt you anymore than I thought I did, only that inevitably just ended up having the complete opposite affect.. I left everytime because I couldn't handle being your friend loving you the way I did.. I tried so hard to suppress and essentially kill the emotions I had for you to be there for you, but when you wanted me to help you with your current relationship.. it destroyed me, I never wanted to ever be in the position where I was anything other than yours, it hurt so badly to know I couldn't love you the way I truly wanted to and I felt selfish knowing my own love for you was in the way of being there for you, I never truly felt like I was able to be there for you the way I was before and now I'm left so lost knowing I can't love you or help you, but the feelings have always stayed, they never faded, I still wake up wanting to text you good morning and that I love you, I still want to spend my life with you regardless of everything, but I know things are far too gone to ever expect any kind of future together, and I'm sorry. I don't know what to do to move on, I don't feel attraction to women like I do with you, I don't feel the love or the spark we had, when I saw you for the first time, something in me felt like you were the one for me, and now I'm stuck trying to reassemble the pieces to a puzzle that simply can't be completed. I'm so scared Vanessa..I'm so alone and terrified I'm losing myself in the grief.. I used to be a sweet person..I just don't care anymore..this love is killing my soul..I don't know how to live without loving you..I don't want to live in a reality where I have to "love" someone else. I tried and it just doesn't work, I gave it so much time and it just never feels right. It just feels like I've been in the wrong timeline since we broke up..I need help so badly..I beg the universe everyday to just make it make sense. Regardless of anything I will always love you, you have always be my first and only love, I may be a goldfish but our love will stick with me forever regardless if I want it or not, and I refuse to "love" someone else when I don't, even if that means being single until death, I can at least know I at one point felt true love, and that almost makes it okay..It just kills me to know I can't love you the way I truly want to. I want to say I love you so badly and for you to know I really mean it, I want to hug and kiss you and never let go, I wish I wasn't just so young and stupid and maybe I could've seen it all more clearly.. I went on a trip and took some acid and it's reopened everything Ive been suppressing for years..a part of it's made me remember how much I miss human contact..a big part of it made me remember how much i loved yours.. I tried dating after you.. it just didn't work..I never felt even a slight amount of love towards them..and that only made me feel worse..so I'm just gonna stick to myself until hopefully maybe one day I'll be ready to love again..you told me I was your first love.. you will always be my first and only love, I love you so much Vanessa, I really truly do..

you're so immature

You were my everything. I made gifts for you with my art, I bought gifts for you for when we would meet one day. I loved you in the way I knew how to express it best. By giving someone something I knew they loved. That calander, that necklace, that drawing was a piece of my heart I let you hold, that you tore apart so easily without a care in the world. Only to be told you never loved me. The truth is, I have always loved you, but I stayed back since you kept making it clear you were not interested. And I will make it stay that way because I don't want to do something if someone else doesn't want to do it. What was the point of telling me you thought of getting married? Was it just all a big game to you for nudes, or something to jerk off to? Was I just a replacement for something you needed but didn't get? I often wonder if you were cheating on me the entire time, with how much you talked about her, but never hung out with me. It drove me nuts, and I had enough. Just to hear you tell me it was never real in the first place for you. You never loved me, I think you loved the idea of me. And that's what hurts the most. I'm not something to constantly toss away, or ignore, or keep hidden. I'm an actual human being with my own feelings, life, etc. I can't bare to be around you again cause you made it very clear what you would do if it happened. You said you'd make a good teen father, but why should I trust that if you leave every few months? I would be a fool to trust that, ever in my life. I don't want to love you, but I probably will for a while, until I finally decide to put myself before you who barely ever showed up. Don't come back into my life, especially if you are just going to leave again. I tried to show you in everyway I could that I cherished our relationship so much, but clearly it never mattered to you. Have a good life. Sincerely, H, formerly, S.

thank you for one of the most wonderful and exciting weeks of my life. thank you for giving me such a refreshing experience in times of stress for me, and thank you for teaching me more about what i value in a person. thank you for being part of a happier version of myself than i previously was. i really wish i had talked to you earlier, talked to you for longer, had more conversations and moments together. i wish we had more of what we had yesterday. i wish you’d known how much i liked being next to you and how much i admired your volleyball and how much i wanted you to notice me. i hope you know that because of you, i was motivated to play better. we’ll go our seperate ways, and maybe never see each other ever again. in another life where you wouldnt be so far away and we wouldn't have completely different native languages, things couldve been different; but, in this one, its impossible to be more than just a brief summer connection. thank you for giving me confidence and thank you for giving me something to look forward to. one day you’ll graduate university, have teammates and friends ive never met, and stories id never know; probably even a special someone of your own(how could you not, when you look like that?). And it's strange and scary to think that someone who feels so vivid to me right now will become a complete stranger again. its bittersweet, sorrowful almost. im going to be honest; one of my biggest regrets isn't that I never told you I liked you(even though theres a bit of that one too); It's that I spent so much of our time together convincing myself I couldn't talk to you, only to realize on the last day that I could. in short, i wish we had more time. time was all i thought i had until i lost it; i didn't realize i was counting down our last days together until there were no days left to count. when i first arrived, the days had felt endless, but looking back, it seems like they passed in the blink of an eye. watching you play made me want to improve; it still does. It wasn't just because I liked you; I genuinely loved watching someone care so much about getting better. you make me not only want to like and admire you; you made me want to compete with you as well. Every compliment from you meant more than it should have. Every time you noticed a good pass or a good receive or sometimes even a good hit, I carried it with me for the rest of the day. i so desperately wanted you to think i was good, so i tried harder every day. theres so many questions i never got to ask you and i wish i did. Id never tell you these things, but i was always looking for you; id always hope that i was on the same team as you; i was always hoping you'd serve at me if you were on the other team. i kept finding myself more and more drawn to you, your face, your skill, your personality. thank you for mattering so much, and im so so so so grateful for you. its so painful for me right now because i never got solid evidence of your feelings for me. that’s partly on me for not even asking, but your actions only tell me a “maybe”. and that hurts, so much. were your compliments and support a personality thing, or were you actually interested? did you tease me because you just were comfortable enough w me like you were with everyone else, or was it because you wanted that spark? did we mean something to you, as much as we meant to me? ill never forget you; or maybe i will. but i hope, i so sincerely hope, i never forget you. so, don't forget me either. never stop trying, and i hope your life goes smoothly. i was never in love with you; not even close, i hadnt known you long enough; i was in love with the possibility of spending more time with you and what we couldve become. i was in love with how terrifyingly, irrevocably alive i felt with you. I think what hurts most is that I finally started talking to you right before I had to leave. i wasn’t - still am not - ready to let you go. thank you for adding such a beautiful chapter to my book.

Hey, I don’t think this is something I really want to talk about, but for the first time, I’m scared that I’m slowly forgetting you. From the way your face really looks, to the way your eyes crinkle when you smile, even down to the little line on your chin. You’ve turned 21, Nihar, and I don’t know how it’s just another normal day for me. It only hit me when I saw someone post about you. I’m so perplexed by the fact that I was terrified of facing this day, and somehow, I did. Im happy nihar , thanks for building me this way.

You thought I would be begging for you back, but how can I beg for something that only brings me pain? Life alone is a happier walk than all the things you did against me. It ended, and neither is to blame; you were not the one, and neither was I.

I also don’t see us being friends again or talking again ever because I don’t want to and I love myself now. You, caught me at a bad time; I don’t miss you, and I’m glad because I thought I would. I hope you find closure in my silence, but whatever love I had for you died a long time ago.

I am sorry, but I don't want you. When our relationship ended, it broke me, but I have actually healed and have moved on to other people. I look back on our times as a lesson and nothing more. I don’t love you anymore, and I could never see myself falling for you again. I’m sorry if you.,., can’t ever move on, but I have, and the truth is I'd rather be alone than go back to you; I wish you the best, but I’ve released you, and quite frankly I can’t even remember what we had, but I am grateful for it but I don’t want you anymore.

I know we dated for a short amount of time, but this relationship was special to me. I never cared about the distance. Every day and night I got to talk to you was lovely. Watching movies and shows together was my favorite thing. It sucks that I had to ruin it so fast. I know it's been two years, and you've probably moved on for the better. I'm sorry for being selfish, immature, for self sabotaging, and for saying those horrible things to you. In the beginning of our relationship, I had already caused trust issues and confusion between us. I did things I shouldn't have done, and I caused unnecessary drama. There really isn't much I can say or do to fix what already happened. I am deeply and genuinely sorry, though. I wish things could've turned out differently. I wanted to reach out many times, but we both needed time. I don't know what you're up to, if you're dating someone now, if you're still writing, or if you still work on dirt bikes. Although none of that is my business, I hope that whatever you're up to, you're doing well. The mistakes I made in our relationship helped me reflect on the kind of person I was. Months later, it all hit me a lot harder than I expected. I felt really bad and embarrassed because I know I could've done better. I hope there's no bad blood between us after all.

You are a piece of shit and dead to me laughing when I told you something that I never told anyone when I was most vulnerable and you laughed. Like almost crying laughing. Like I genuinely can’t believe it I was so in love with the idea of you that for a brief period I convinced myself that I would laugh too if someone else said my story but no I wouldn’t or any of my true friends if I was as open and vunerable about my history with sa. You are disgusting and dead to me

hi? :^) since i don’t know where to start, but i do have some words to utter from the deepest heart of mine, i think i really have to pour it without the prologue or even epilogue it’s the ninth month since the last time we conversed and when you approached me first at that time. i’m so sorry for every mistake i ever made, if i ever made you feel uncomfortable. thank you for your patience until then, which i’m very grateful for, along with your heart that still lingers for our love even when we’re not in the best state for each other. but at least we’re still trying to complete each other’s missing pieces with our own fragments without losing them. thank you for having me, bee. nine months must be uneasy for you, but surely you make everything easier and lighter to face when you’re around. thank you for being the light of my life when my world is like the riddles or when the night comes bee, you’re not even trying your hardest to carry these sparks, but you already have them in your core—and that calls my heart too. seeing you surviving and pursuing your dreams is one of the most heart-melting moments in my life, seeing your smile lights up my whole soma is more than full. to love is to embrace you during your ups and downs. thank you for helping me understand life and how life works, you’ll always be my motivation to survive every day. you bloom like the lilies, be. when the mistrust knocks, i hope you’ll still be able to put your trust on us, i hope you’ll remember my words that you’re worth it to be loved, i hope you’ll remember that you don’t have to work and try hard to get the love you deserve, i hope you’ll always remember the love between us grows without the need to have reasons even when the distance may separate us physically, please remember that we’re always trying to reach each other and we’re close enough in soul. even when the gaps may take us apart, please remember you’ll always have me and we’ll never be locked in a different room. to the one i love, ilyasa paizanif, i never trusted love as much as this until the day you come into my life effortlessly with your very own-self. be, when i don’t speak to you, it doesn’t mean i ignore you or i don’t love you anymore—i’ll never do. i’m still figuring it out, i still love you and miss you in my quietest ways. lots of things haven’t been written and well said through this letter, but i’ll try to, be. i’ll try for us. thank you for never cutting the strings between us thank you for being my missing puzzle piece that i finally found until this moment and i hope we still do, it’s for the ninth and please keep on counting with me until the next letters too all yours, niswah tan

Dear Dylan, I wanted to get you a rose (I feel like a bouquet would freak you out) along with this note: Thank you -for being patient with me -for being considerate and understanding of my firsts -for being so respectful of my boundaries -for asking me out -for being my first and favorite dance partner -for cooking me dinner -for picking me up and dropping me off home -for making me smile and laugh -for initiating good morning good night texts -for being vulnerable and honest with me -for singing your favorite songs to me -for being my first kiss -for remembering I like wine -for the back hugs -for the forehead kisses -for the night out in the jeep -for sharing your past with me -for being you As much as I wanted to build a castle with you, I couldn't build alone. I am sad we didn't get as much time together as I'd hoped. I feel hurt that you were so ready and quick to throw in the towel. I will leave our happy memories here and find my way back to the life before you. Thank you for everything, Dylan.

I don't know how to tell u this cause u are far away from me now i tried to reach u but i think it's not only the location what's separating us and i know that I never looked at me like that . I'm thankful for ur presence in my life but it has become a curse for me now. But if it was not for you my life would've been completely boring and blank page . I tried to reach u despite my mind resisting and i know u don't want to be reached anymore, it has been difficult for me to accept. I still feel nostalgic whenever I pass by ur old house cause it holds memories. I was childish and I'm childish even right now . Maybe it's my inability that i couldn't find or impress another girl. I was never good at that. I wish u message me somehow, someday, randomly ask me how I'm ? How I've been?. I love when people call me uv like u used to do once

I hope you're happy now Mylo. I'm sorry for writing this letter to you, I think you've moved on already. But the pain that I'm feeling right now, I don't know how to soothe myself in a way that I don't message you. Tanggap ko na wala na tayo, pero ang sakit parin, and I miss you. I kept lying to myself when I say I don't love you anymore, pero at the same time I won't run back to you anymore. I felt so discarded after our breakup, I'm so noisy dun sa dump ko, lagi kitang pinapatamaan pero ang sakit kasi I don't know how to handle this type of pain. After our breakup you were silent, and I took that as a closure, i tried to block you, but I could only do unfollow hanggang sa binlock mo ko sa Ig kasi along the way I said that I'm always here for you. And it looked like a betrayal to my promise. In my mind, I kept replaying what went wrong and our last conversation. I really wish life was kind enough to let me keep you. Kaya ko sinabi na what comes after this na you were so worried when I repeat it ilang beses sa last call natin, I meant that I've built a future with you in my head and it crumbled nung iniwan mo ako. I still have a lot of love to give to you leon, now I don't even know where to put it. Napalitan lang ng grief and pain. I'll forever miss you in my life siguro a few years from now di na masakit pero maalala parin kita. First love kita eh. Malaki ang impact mo sa perspective ko sa love, now I'm so scared, I'm so scared to start over again. You raised my standards that I don't even know if I'll let someone in again. At the same time I don't want to spend a lifetime yearning for you, It's fucking painful. I want to heal as much as I can so I distanced myself, and you also, kahit na I desperately want to reach out. Kabisado kita, hindi ka sasagot, at the same time kabisado mo ko kasi sasagot ako. I remember pa yung sinabi mo sa letter mo na BDO ka na kahit gano ka pa kabusy you'll make time for me. Naiyak ako ron, kasi totoo nga tinupad mo siya, not until nung last few weeks ng rs natin. Nakakalimutan mo na mag goodmorning or goodnight minsan, hinahayaan mo ako matulog nang may galit sayo kasi di mo ko sinasagot tuwing nagkakaroon tayo ng misunderstanding. Dinala mo past fears mo sa Relationship natin, don't you want to grow with me? Bakit kailangan mo dalhin mga alaala niyo ni KC? Kaya di ko mapigilan magisip kung rebound lang ba ako or panakip butas eh, ilang beses mo siya nabring up kahig nung nakikipaghiwalay ka na sakin. Di mo ko mareassure. I grew anxious sa relationship natin, It started feeling heavy, but I stayed kasi mahal kita kahit na I felt unloved in some moments. I made it clear from the start what I expect of a guy. napakasimple. i wanted someone who would choose me everyday kahit gano pa kahirap. You knew my past pain, inulit mo siya. At some point you're my answered prayer, pero God took you away from me. Baka siguro alam niya na di na tayo makakabuti para sa isat isa. You still have a lot to work on yourself, discover about yourself, and built for yourself. You're in and out relationships so mas mabuti na siguro yon. And for me, ang dami ko rin dapat matutunan, I stayed kahit na malabo na, i begged kahit you were begging me to understand, and to let you go. I thought maabutan pa kita maging registered radtech, akala ko makikilala ko pa family mo personally, i thought we'd build a life together. But, turns out I expected too much. I thought in a relationship both should be the beloved, pero sa huli ako nalang yung sobrang nagmamahal. Ako nalang yung bigay ng bigay, binuhos lo energy ko dito na walang wala na ko ngayon. I waited for you to call everyday, kahit na minsan sobrang pagod ko na, inintindi ko pagkasilent treatment mo sakin tuwing hindi tayo okay or hindi ka okay kahit I'm anxious kasi di ko alam kung ano na nangyayare, especially pag nagaaway tayo at di mo ko nirereplayan nagooverthink ako. Alam mong ayaw ko niyan, pero still hindi ka magadjust, pati pagrereply mo or paguupdate mo. Alam mo kung anong problema diyan. At parang ako yung nagfleflex sa relationship natin, di kita nakitaan much of it. Pero leon sa galit at lungkot na nararamdaman ko, nandon parin ung pagmamahal, nandon parin ung mga alaala natin. Sabi nga nila love transcends time and space, I loved you until the day I died, and for me that's enough.

I wonder how you are to be honest i really do regret our relationship i hope you're happy tho but tbh i want nothing to do with you idk if it's to harsh but dude like i really really really regret na pinatulan kita kasi to think i gave my first kiss and etc to you and in he end you were just a phase lesson learned ka lng so sadd anyways I'm sorry for the hurt i caused you ad I'm sorry because i started this but im glad i was the one to end it - someone who wishes they never knew u 🥰-C.Y

I recently found this song kita kita by the 7th, it's been a while since we've talked and there's a chance you won't even really see this so... I've just been thinking about you a lot recently. And the song kinda reminded me of the first time i saw you, you already know how the story goes i told you twice. I know it's not your usual genre– but "Kita na kita" im thinking about how i should've said that to you when things were good between us. You don't know it and it's a little creepy but– i always see you, way before we even started talking kita kita. I saw the way you had a habit of being touchy with your friends– your silly antics, your cute laugh. Till know i feel like you're haunting me, yuri became a common name to me i see it everywhere. I'm insane– absolute mad in the head because, i kinda knew you were using me yet i still see you. Kita kita, always. It'll be our last year in the same school.. I'm not even sure if I'll ever see you often like how I'm used to. I'm here, and you don't know it i hope someway somehow you know that despite the amount of people that talk bad about you- nothing will change, kita kita. I see you, i see you trying your best, i see you doing what you think is best, i see you trying be happy, i see you being you and no matter what, kita kita. "Sana makita mo rin na kita na kita" 3:23 - timestamp.

I don’t like you anymore but i don’t hate you anymore either. to be honest i think the only reason i hated you so much for awhile was because you hated me. i mean i get why i guess it’s just did you have to pretend to be my best friend for 6 months while i revolved my life around you. i wont say i was a great friend neither of us were but i hated you because i was mad that after everything i loved you i loved you more than anything and you loved him that stupid dude. you met him through me and i was mad when you started dating and i tried you hide it but i think you knew that but didnt understand that i wasn’t jealous of you i was jealous of him. for months i miss the way we cuddled as friend and how we used yr airpods and every night i would fall asleep to yr playlist. every song i never cared for or didn’t like became the only thing i could listen to once you said you liked it. and we were so opposite yet so alike i thought it could work but i was yr bestfriend (kinda) and you were mine and that’s it. id never tell you how much i missed the platonic affection we shared through hugs and cuddles because im ashamed that part of me wished it was real and im sorry

Cherry, I love you so much. Its like sharing everything with a sister who actually gets it. Yes, I stalk you reposts. Yes, I wonder what you are up to all the time and Yes, I think about you whenever I have s*icidal thoughts. So, as my final act of love, I will not say when I am going to commit. Because...I want you to think that I am alive and living well even if it only lasts a week, a day or even an hour. Im sorry for leaving you.