Goodbye

My eyes wander When you’re around Can’t help but look for you From the life I gave up To having no life at all Is this my punishment? For being avoidant Please love tell me Roses and lilies are For people who die I hate that I’m fine Until I see you again My mind has only ever known To play a perfectly well victim Can’t face this idea of life alone Am I yearning for the love Or for the friend I had? Locked up in this game of makeovers Can’t seem to move on From this endless loop of reinventions Someone save me from endless struggle Hate that I have to sit with people Who speak badly about you I know this is nothing new but My heart still aches from the poison I’ve let thinking it was honey

I've received the anonymous letter you submitted here.. thank you for thinking about me, I'll be alright and I hope you'll be alright too, I'll love you always too but loving someone doesn't always mean staying with them, I'll always be by your side even after years apart.. thank you for making my life so special.. I hope you'll soon find the girl who will be patient for you and love you more than I ever did, all the best for everything in your life dear, I'll always be grateful for this part of my life.. Yours truly ~your Nilu

To Rikki, I can’t believe I’m standing here without you. Thirteen years old, and you already carried a heart bigger than most people ever will. You dreamed of traveling the world, helping people in danger, being brave - more courage than most adults. And yet… this time, no one could save you. Not me. Not anyone. You laughed like the world was yours to discover. You had energy and kindness that made people feel seen, safe, and alive. Even in your struggles, you made room for others. It’s not fair. You were too bright, too alive, too full of dreams. And I was here. I would’ve stayed up all night. I would’ve carried your weight if you’d let me. Even though you’re gone, I carry you. Every laugh, every glance, every memory we shared - it’s with me. Always. You mattered. You still matter. You will never, ever be forgotten. - your favourite cousin, Nethy

To my best girl, You really left me with the impossible task of making a speech at your funeral, didn’t you? Classic you. Even now, you’re bossing me from wherever you are. We were close in a way that words almost can’t capture. The kind of friendship where one look meant everything. The kind where silence wasn’t awkward - it was safe. You knew me. Really knew me. And somehow still chose to stick around. I’ll miss the little things: our inside jokes no one else would get, the way we laughed at things too ridiculous to explain, the comfort of just sitting together and knowing we weren’t alone. You were kind, funny, brave, and soft in ways people don’t always notice right away. You cared so fiercely for your friends, even when life wasn’t easy. We were supposed to have more time. That hurts. But even in the time we had, you made me stronger, happier, and more aware of how important it is to cherish every laugh, every hug, every ridiculous moment. And just so you know - you succeeded. Everyone here is emotional. Not just because we’re hurting. Because we loved you. Because you mattered. And because you’ll always matter. I’ll carry you with me. In every quiet moment. In every laugh that reminds me of you. In every part of my life that’s better because you were in it. My best girl. Always.

Chechi, I usually can write a lot. But for once words have failed me. I tried to write you a letter many times. But I couldn’t complete it. There’s a lot I want to say, but I don’t know where to start. I was thinking about what you will do, how you will manage, all of those. But maybe for once, I think I will tell you about me. No amount of ideas and advice can help right now. So I will sit with you in the darkness. I will sit with you in the pain. I will sit with you through the tears, I will be there until we figure it out. I will stay. I will see you. And I will let myself be seen. Magdeburg will never be the same ever again. Because I know what this place looks like with you in it. I will miss you a lot. I will miss making the bath for you, I will miss taking the tram to come see you. I will miss putting on the tea and waiting for you to reach. I will miss colouring your hair. I will miss going to shops with you. I will miss teasing you about that “accidental” kiss. I will miss the way you laugh when I say evil things. Going to Kaufland or DM or Rossmann will never be the same. I think I will look for your beanie over the shelves. I will think of a joke and turn around to tell you. But you are in India. I will miss you because, I will. Not because we are related by blood, not because you are useful, not because of any reasons. But just because. I see how brave you are being. Thank you. I am not as brave I think. When I think of you walking into the airport, into a place where I can't see you every other day - it scares me. But you are so brave. We will fix this together I have no doubt. But I won’t like it when you aren’t here. And I will try to be brave like you. I am stopping here because the more I write the more I realise the little girl who watched her parents leave at the airport still lives inside me. I mustn't wake her up.

You don’t know me and I don’t know you

dear dejuan… idk how to start this tbh.. its been two months since we’ve broken up, it now being february. and here i am, finally laying out all my feelings to you. through out the whole relationship, i honestly felt like the love we shared wasnt real. i couldn’t find it in my heart to trust you nor open up to you. i was scared of getting hurt or being left behind again, scared of actually hoping for forever just for it to be temporary. i vowed to never let you in, to keep my guard up, to limit what I say and how i communicate with you. i lied about not liking to go to sleep on the phone because i knew if i did, my guard will slowly go down. i stuck to harsh words,dry texts, late text and rage baiting because i feared my love would be too much for you. the constant texting and calling, the pet names and constant annoyance, the random facts and anime quotes throughout the day, the stalking you and your family and friends accounts, the getting upset over everything that you do and refusing to tell you because of the fear that im over reacting or upsetting you, the spamming “baby” just to respond with hi, or stalking your ig and who you text. i feared actually being myself. i feared texting you constantly even when all i could think of was you because i feared being too much for you. i feared losing you.i even feared you leaving me for your bsf because of how close you guys were. and while focusing on every possible way to keep a fair enough distance, without knowing it, i was damaging myself physically and mentally. i slowly started to feel empty inside. like a moving corpse without a beating heart. i felt so lost and alone and i didn’t know how to talk to anyone. i didn’t even know how to explain my feelings. i deeply loved you so so much but i couldn’t feel it. it was more of a thought than a feeling. i then started to think that maybe everything I once felt was all just in my head, and suddenly every other feeling ive once felt was slipping away. the happiness, love, joy, sadness, hurt, depression, overthinking. it just all slowly stopped. and the next thing i know i was in the same cycle over and over, feeling like a puppet being moved around. i felt hallow. i felt like i was running on air pilote. i couldn’t find the energy to talk to you or anyone. i felt disassociated with the world. and all i had was weed. i started smoking and sleeping heavily, staring at a blank wall or watching a anime for distraction. i slowly stopped eating, stopped leaving my bed. i just exist and it was painful. so painful to watch the world move around me while im still stuck in place. to see happy people or couples together and yet feel nothing but the air from the vents and the beating of my heart. and you. you were amazing. you loved me, tried to spoil me,cared for me, just wanted me and i ruined it. all because i feared you leaving. i feared that if i open up to you about how i feel, it would be over. because i knew deep down that a relationship was the last thing i needed. i knew that if i told you how my mental health truly was, it wouldve been over. so i kept it all to myself. i thought maybe it would get better or easier even. then i made a stupid decision that ended us anyway. i thought that maybe if i made you hate me then you would leave and find better. i hoped for you to see me slipping away from this world, to notice that im not okay. and idk if you did. so i went into a spiral and i went to a hb. i expressed these emotions and he quickly assumed that you were cheating. that if you couldn’t notice your own girlfriend mood change then it’s someone else. and that sickening saying and thought was put into my head over and over by many other friends. and i’m not blaming you, im not accusing you of cheating. im expressing my feelings ab you and your gbsf relationship. i didn’t like it. i didn’t like how close y’all were and how much you posted her, i didn’t like how you would talk to her about our problems or how you got her to text me about our relationship problems instead of yourself. so i turned to my boy bsf, flirting with him and he went along with it.. yet it took you awhile to notice, and when you did, when you left….. i finally felt something. i felt pain so deep inside that i couldn’t help but touch my chest. and it took me forever to realize that the cause of my actions resulted into someone i deeply loved being hurt. i became what i feared. i self sabotaged and pushed you away. so that night when you called and ended things, i completely broke. all i could manage was an okay but i wasn’t okay. and ik we will never be together again… but i just want you to know that i’m sorry juan. im so so sorry…you didn’t deserve anything i did to you, you deserve so much better and ik you will receive better. you stayed. even when i was so horrible and dry to you… im to blame for how things ended and i accept it. i just want you to come back to me….. but i also know that the love and trust that you had for me is long gone… so this is my last time talking to you, bothering you. you can hate me forever if you want. i just needed to finally get this out. better late than never ig