Apology

我曾经希望，至少我还能继续和你聊天。可是即使我离开了，我还是觉得我的存在对你来说好像也不会有什么不同。 看到我曾经那么想要在你心里拥有的位置，看着自己花了那么多时间、那么努力地想要得到它，却发现你生命里一个新出现的人，只用了很短的时间就做到了，这真的让我很难过。 我只是希望，至少你对我可以不要那么冷淡。到最后，我甚至连作为朋友留在你身边都做不到。我只觉得自己好像一直都是你的负担。 我总是在想，我好像从来都没真正有机会了解更多关于你的事情。我甚至不知道那是不是你的真名。我会忍不住想，也许她只用了很短的时间认识你，就已经知道了那些我一直以来都很想知道、却始终没能了解的关于你的事情。 这个月，刚好也是我们当初认识彼此的那个月。 对不起。我希望你依然能以一个好的方式记得我。我真的希望有一天，我还能找到回到你身边的路。 可是我又觉得，为了抓住你、为了不让你离开，我好像已经丢掉了太多自己的尊严。 对不起，真的对不起。 我真的很想你。

to r, who came into my life in that september. perhaps becoming close and being friends with you felt like a given to me at some point, and precisely because i took it for granted, i cherished this beautiful friendship all the more. yet, i failed to understand your true feelings. you didn't want to remain just friends; you wanted the small title of "lovers" throughout those five years. i knew it, yet i turned a blind eye simply because i was terrified of losing our friendship (sounds like a flimsy excuse just to brush things off, doesn't it?). i wasn't sure if i could offer you a love that was truly worthy, and back then, we were still far too young. i was afraid that a fleeting romance would tear our friendship apart. i didn't dare believe i could bring you happiness. and now, as our feelings gradually faded and we drifted together—protecting each other like two friends simply out of habit—i inadvertently lost you, letting you fall into someone else's arms while i stood there in utter bewilderment. i don't understand my own emotions. clearly, i had rejected you; clearly, i had never given any signals. yet now, seeing you find a second happiness that isn't with me, i feel this sudden, stabbing heartache. we stood by each other in our foolish youth, and now that we are mature, you use that very affection to shelter someone else. i know my feelings have arrived far too late. i am happy for you, but at the same time, a quiet sorrow and regret are flickering inside for not having reached out to hold you back. right now, the two of us are walking a tightrope between friendship, looking both pitiful and blameworthy. i know these thoughts shouldn't exist, but please, let me be selfish just this once. i wish i could turn back time. i wish i had been more sincere in accepting your feelings instead of relying on the trust of a mere friend. i wish i had been confident enough to finally say, "i've fallen for you." this confession cannot be delivered to you, but i will try my best to nurture our friendship. and i know that one day, we will see those beautiful years of friendship bloom once again. (thank you for the love you gave me.)

gửi đến cô bạn tên R đến với đời tôi vào tháng 9 năm ấy. có lẽ việc thân và được làm bạn với cậu đã là điều tôi cho là dĩ nhiên từ lúc nào, và vì cho là dĩ nhiên ấy nên tôi lại càng trân quý cái tình bạn đẹp đẽ này hơn. ấy thế mà, tôi lại không hiểu được tâm tư tình cảm của cậu, cậu đâu muốn chỉ là bạn, cậu muốn có một danh xưng bé nhỏ mang tên lovers suốt quãng thời gian 5 năm kia, tôi biết chứ, ấy thế mà tôi lại làm ngơ đi chỉ vì bản thân tôi sợ mình sẽ đánh mất tình bạn(nghe giống như những lời nói láo để cho qua chuyện nhỉ?) tôi không dám chắc bản thân có thể trao cho cậu tình yêu đủ xứng, và khi ấy chúng ta vẫn còn quá non trẻ, tôi sợ tình yêu nhất thời sẽ khiến tình bạn của 2 ta chia cách. tôi không dám tin bản thân mang lại cho cậu hạnh phúc, và giờ đây, khi tình cảm dần nhạt phai và ta đến với nhau, che chở nhau như 2 người bạn chỉ vì quá quen sự hiện diện của đối phương, tôi vô tình đánh mất cậu, để cậu rơi vào vòng tay khác trong sự ngỡ ngàng của tôi. tôi không hiểu cảm xúc chính mình, rõ ràng là từ chối, rõ ràng là chưa hề đưa ra tín hiệu nào, vậy mà bây giờ khi thấy cậu có thêm hạnh phúc thứ 2 mà không phải tôi, tôi lại thấy đau lòng như thế, ta bên nhau khi còn dại khờ, và khi chín chắn, cậu dùng tình cảm ấy để che chở cho người thương. tôi biết cảm xúc của tôi đến quá muộn, tôi vừa mừng cho cậu, những cũng vừa nhen nhóm sự buồn bã, tiếc nuối vì đã không giang tay giữ cậu lại. giờ đây, 2 ta chênh vênh giữa ranh giới bạn thân, vừa đáng thương lại vừa đáng trách. tôi biết những điều này là không nên, nhưng xin hãy cho tôi được ích kỉ lần này, tôi mong được quay về lại quá khứ, tôi mong mình sẽ chân thành hơn đón nhận tình cảm của cậu chứ không phải những sự tin tưởng dành cho người bạn, tôi mong bản thân sẽ tự tin hơn để có thể nói rằng tôi đã thích cậu mất rồi. và lời bộc bạch này thì lại không thể gửi đến cậu, nhưng tôi sẽ cố gắng, vun đắp tình bạn chúng ta, và tôi biết rằng, một ngày nào đó ta sẽ lại được thấy những tháng năm tình bạn đẹp đẽ này(cảm ơn tình yêu cậu dành cho tôi)

gửi đến cô bạn tên R đến với đời tôi vào tháng 9 năm ấy. có lẽ việc thân và được làm bạn với cậu đã là điều tôi cho là dĩ nhiên từ lúc nào, và vì cho là dĩ nhiên ấy nên tôi lại càng trân quý cái tình bạn đẹp đẽ này hơn. ấy thế mà, tôi lại không hiểu được tâm tư tình cảm của cậu, cậu đâu muốn chỉ là bạn, cậu muốn có một danh xưng bé nhỏ mang tên lovers suốt quãng thời gian 5 năm kia, tôi biết chứ, ấy thế mà tôi lại làm ngơ đi chỉ vì bản thân tôi sợ mình sẽ đánh mất tình bạn(nghe giống như những lời nói láo để cho qua chuyện nhỉ?) tôi không dám chắc bản thân có thể trao cho cậu tình yêu đủ xứng, và khi ấy chúng ta vẫn còn quá non trẻ, tôi sợ tình yêu nhất thời sẽ khiến tình bạn của 2 ta chia cách. tôi không dám tin bản thân mang lại cho cậu hạnh phúc, và giờ đây, khi tình cảm dần nhạt phai và ta đến với nhau, che chở nhau như 2 người bạn chỉ vì quá quen sự hiện diện của đối phương, tôi vô tình đánh mất cậu, để cậu rơi vào vòng tay khác trong sự ngỡ ngàng của tôi. tôi không hiểu cảm xúc chính mình, rõ ràng là từ chối, rõ ràng là chưa hề đưa ra tín hiệu nào, vậy mà bây giờ khi thấy cậu có thêm hạnh phúc thứ 2 mà không phải tôi, tôi lại thấy đau lòng như thế, ta bên nhau khi còn dại khờ, và khi chín chắn, cậu dùng tình cảm ấy để che chở cho người thương. tôi biết cảm xúc của tôi đến quá muộn, tôi vừa mừng cho cậu, những cũng vừa nhen nhóm sự buồn bã, tiếc nuối vì đã không giang tay giữ cậu lại. giờ đây, 2 ta chênh vênh giữa ranh giới bạn thân, vừa đáng thương lại vừa đáng trách. tôi biết những điều này là không nên, nhưng xin hãy cho tôi được ích kỉ lần này, tôi mong được quay về lại quá khứ, tôi mong mình sẽ chân thành hơn đón nhận tình cảm của cậu chứ không phải những sự tin tưởng dành cho người bạn, tôi mong bản thân sẽ tự tin hơn để có thể nói rằng tôi đã thích cậu mất rồi. và lời bộc bạch này thì lại không thể gửi đến cậu, nhưng tôi sẽ cố gắng, vun đắp tình bạn chúng ta, và tôi biết rằng, một ngày nào đó ta sẽ lại được thấy những tháng năm tình bạn đẹp đẽ này(cảm ơn tình yêu cậu dành cho tôi)

Dear Amina, 1. Whenever my phone makes a sound, I hope it's you. I still remember...the times we talk how wanted I felt how good I thought things were... It's not your birthday. It's just a random ___, and I wake up thinking about how...Good times were when we first started talking the version of u that spoke up gave me attention and made me feel worthy I'm not going to list every reason I love you, because if I start, I won't stop, and this letter would turn into a book. Instead, I just wanted to...Say I ain't gonna propose until ur comfortable to share and I make sure I don't go to a heart break.... Since the first day I saw you, I knew that I...it was you or no one that's how much I really appreciate you I apologize for the things I said...I hope I could start over and at least be a friends my life leaves a huge gap when we don't talk... Love, Ur annoying schoolmate

I'll never look at Nottinghamshire the same again.

dear theju i write this to you to speak abt stuffs that i cdnt thru mail ... fallin from a building hurts , getting beaten hurts , accident hurts but nothing hurts as much as being not with u ......ik im the most hated person in ur life rn and i deserve it i rlly wished the opposute but ig this is what i deserve ....im not chasing u but i chassed long enough to fell down as im a spinless ss u told ... when i close my eyes ntohing comes not the hurtful stuffs not the issues nothing its jus you ur laugh smile face voice the moments we have been i was rlly hurted when u said i was equal to to the person who gave u nughtmares theja i was the one who helped u thru it i heard it made u laugh made u happy safe ya thats righ i did all that those wer the bes moments of my life the way i talked to u the way i cared made apps do u rmember u used to sleep to my stories like a baby and i used tos stay awake for hours incase u have a nightmare i rmemeber all of it all the good moments the penquin bussiness the evrything i rlly love u i miss u i wanna talk more but ig limit

i know you’re still mad about everything that’s going on and your reaction is valid, you’re supposed to have a relaxing weekend since you’ve been occupied with exams, gardening and the competition and i see how much effort, time, energy, and heart you’ve poured and i worry about you, i always will. i know how there are days where you feel like everyone is getting on your nerves, and right now you’re allowed to be angry and frustrated. but even if you dont feel like talking to anyone, i still want you to know that you never have to be anything other than yourself with me. i won’t take your anger as a reason to leave. i want to be the person you can lean on when everything feels too heavy. you work so hard, and i really want you to know that I see you. im really proud of you for how much of yourself you continue to give even when you’re exhausted. so if you ever feel like you have to carry everything alone, please remember that you have me. you can be mad at the whole world and still come home to me. i’ll always be here for you. you’ll never be too much for me, baby. i’ll still love you with all my heart.

I'm sorry i never got the guts to apologize and to talk to you. I never really wanted to not talk but it just happened and its mainly my fault, I just wish I could be braver to speak my feelings. If I'm being honest I've always been incredibly jealous of you and your family but I'm embarrassed about it. When we were younger and I saw you with a cool phone, wearing what you wanted and having boyfriends it was so cool to me but you and the others always ingored me and I grew to be mad at you but I didn't mean it. I still think you're so cool and pretty and a little jealous of you still but I'm older and I realize now that thats just how it is for me and I notice the little commentsyour mom's says(she's upset that she's close to my sister and not to me and keeps trying to win me over with things but she already won me over and I try to show it), I'm not close to you guys but its okay. I still love and think about you guys. One day, I'm going to tell this to you in person and I'm going to apologize.

haii aku suka banget sama kamuu

seandainya waktu bisa diulang, aku bakal nemilih mu sampai saat nanti, jujur saja aku menyesel meninggalkan mu demi cowo yang aku suka, aku ingin kembali lagi padamu. disini aku sadar kalo kamu adalah satu satunya cowo yang bisa ngertiin aku, i love u abe😔🥺💗

milin, i dont really know how to start this, but i wanted to explain myself a little, i never wanted you to think i was cold or that i didnt care about you so after being alone for so long, i lowk forgot how to act in a rls and im so sorry for taht ,,when you said you wanted a clingy boyfriend, i tried really hard to be that person u want but i took ir way too far i hate that ims orry ive been making you uncomfortable without knowing myself if i know i could've stopped but sighh i didnt :( , and i kept saying i was obsessed with you when i really just meant i cared about you a lot i used wrong word and i'm really sorry for that .i never wanted to make you cry or feel sick in the head i was js scared of losing you or making you lose feeling for me, i know saying sorry wont magically fix everything, but i still want u to know that you've meant a lot to me i really appreciate that, and no matter what happen, i am genuinely proud of you. i really hope we can still be close like before even if it's just as friends istg i wont acting weird or trying too hard now 🙏 i dont want thing to end with us hating each other or feeling awkward i know that'll depend on how you feel, and ofc i'lll respect ur decisoon but i hope u already think it carefully i am really sorry, again (listen to eve by shy the eternal i know it might sound pop or unserious but its really how i feel because im alright🙃 il love you with care muah i dont want to hurt ur feelings❤️‍🩹) -baiyok

Dear Dominic, I don’t really know if you’ll ever read this, and maybe that’s okay. I think I’ve spent so much time replaying everything in my head that I just needed somewhere to put the words instead of carrying them around. I know you knew I liked you, and I know things probably looked strange from your perspective. Maybe I came across as too much. Maybe I made you uncomfortable. Maybe you thought I was crazy. If that’s how it seemed, I’m genuinely sorry. That was never what I wanted. The truth is much simpler than it probably looked. I had a crush on you, and because I barely knew you, my mind filled in all the blanks with hope. Sometimes hope makes people do things they normally wouldn’t. It makes them overthink every interaction, wonder if a glance meant something, or read too deeply into small moments. Looking back, I know I probably built up an idea of you more than I ever got the chance to know the real you. I think what’s been hardest isn’t that you didn’t like me back, it’s the embarrassment that came afterward. Knowing you probably saw me differently than I saw myself has been difficult to carry. I keep wondering what you thought when my name came up, whether you laughed about it, whether you rolled your eyes, or whether you just wanted me to disappear. Those thoughts have been louder than I’d like to admit. I’ve questioned myself over and over, asking if I really was as weird as I feel now. I replay everything, searching for the exact moment I crossed a line or became someone you’d never want to talk to. Maybe there wasn’t one moment at all. Maybe things just weren’t meant to be anything more than two people who briefly crossed paths. Still, it’s hard not to wish I could go back and handle everything differently. The age difference was something I thought about constantly. It was one of the reasons I never really tried to talk to you much in the first place, because I knew it could make things awkward. I never expected you to feel the same way, and I never wanted to put you in an uncomfortable position. I just couldn’t help how I felt. Feelings don’t usually ask for permission before they show up. They don’t care whether the timing is right or whether the situation makes sense. They just happen. I wish mine had been quieter. I wish they hadn’t made me overthink so much or made me feel so exposed. For a while, I let this whole situation convince me there was something wrong with me, that caring too much somehow made me broken. I’m trying to believe that isn’t true anymore. I’m writing this because I don’t want this to be a story I keep carrying forever. Whether you thought I was weird, immature, or simply someone you didn’t know, I accept that I can’t change your opinion. What I can change is how I see myself. I don’t want to keep calling myself crazy for having feelings. I don’t want one crush to become the thing that defines my confidence. I hope, if you ever think about me, you don’t remember someone “crazy.” I hope you remember someone who was awkward, outgoing, kind, thoughtful, maybe a little too hopeful, but ultimately just a person who liked you and didn’t know what to do with those feelings. I truly wish you the best, and I’m ready to let this become a chapter that is left unfinished, instead of the whole story. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes growing up means learning to let go with kindness, even when your heart doesn’t want to. I truly wish you the best.

hello sir, how are you? Hope you are doing best in your life. tmhare dad nahi rahe . i am so sorry for that . mene tmse kabhi 12th k baad baat ni ki kyuki m sure ni thi. mere paas emotions share krne ki samjh ni t...m ni kahungi himmat ni thi. lekin m khud ni samjh paayi ki ho kya raha h mere dil k saath . u were smart to know that u love me but i was a little dumbo. mujhe pata h mene tmhe kai baar hurt kia but i was not ready for the amount of love u want me to give and the relationship u wanted . m aur tm ab alag dunia k log h ..m ni chahungi ki tm ab kabhi vapas mere paas aao kyuki m ab tmko deserve shyd ni krti..tm ab ek best life jeena khush rehna aur mujhe b maaf kr dena .

You deserve the world. I'm sorry I can't be the one to give it to you.

I suppose I always thought ‘we’ were going somewhere. You felt it too, right? You must know- the power you hold over me. Even when my mind flakes, when it tells me your face is reprehensible, your voice is grating, your personality so overtly sugary… my body still yearns for you. Despite everything, I want to make you smile, to hold your hand, to pry you wide open and crawl inside you, where it’s safe. Even now, if you’d only ask, you know I’ll give up everything for you. But you won’t ask, will you? It’s ridiculous, really, how quickly I can fall back into you. With you or without you, there’s always something missing. I know we’re incompatible. You need reassurance every other day, I need my independence. You believe so strongly- that there are ways things should be, things we should do to make it right. I’ve always thought that’s admirable; naive, but admirable. I, on the other hand, couldn’t really care less. What’ll happen when you realise that, love? What was it you said- “I couldn’t be friends with someone who didn’t try to do the ‘right’ thing” ? Friends. I’d made some dumb joke- “I don’t like you like that,” you said. If that’s true, how come you got with ‘them’ to forget me? How come you stopped talking to ‘them’ the moment I started to talk to you again? How come all those months ago, when I was dosed so high on pain killers, I could finally say ‘I love you,’ without being repulsed, and a few days later you told me you loved me ‘like that.’ You don’t know what you want. Back then I didn't know it too. Ah, but no. You “forgot,” that ever happened, didn’t you? God, it makes me feel so pathetic when I know what you do to me. One minute I’d be pleased if I’d never have to speak to you again, the next I’d want to crawl into your lap and kiss you stupid. You’ve driven me insane, don’t you know? There’s no point to this, no point waiting. What I need to do is let you go. I suppose that’s why I’m writing this; one, to confess outside the sanctity of my mind that yes, I did fall for you; two, to set myself free. It’s not fair to you, is it, my back and forth. If I let this desire- the one that demands I tie you to me and never let you go- free, maybe I’ll be a better friend. One can truly appreciate you. So, here it is: I love you. I love you so fucking much. And yet, and yet, I hate you. I hate what you’ve done to me, I hate that you live in the recesses of my mind, always. This is an act of selfishness, darling. I love you, so I’ll let you go. I’ll always love you, but, I hope, not quite like this. Won’t you forgive me?

Dear Jessica, I've dreamt about you the other night. We were friends, laughing together like we used to do. I thought by now I would've forgotten your face, your downward smile and the way your eyes formed a crescent moon when you looked at me. But I guess you left a soft path in my mind that leeds me to you. I remember how long your hair was when we met. I remember every version of you that I’ve ever known, except one : when I started to feel our friendship was falling apart. I don't know if that's because I didn't know you anymore or if that's because you were so depressed you couldn't look at me in the eyes. In that dream, we lived in the exact same reality as we do now. We still fighted, we still didn't talk for months,... Yet we ran into each other again. I didn't have any regrets until I failed as a friend. I've heard that you got better, and I hope that you will. I'm sorry. You deserved better. You were the best best-friend I could've dreamt of, so thank you for all these years of happiness.

I really miss you.. Lately I have been thinking about what happened between us and how I must have confused and offended you. I was confused and scared and just a mess of emotions. I am really sorry. Please, can we talk this out? When you feel like it, of course. You were one of my best friends for a while and I must be honest, losing you broke me in ways I never thought I could be broken.

I hope you can call me I miss your voice

I miss you Sean Westbrook