I miss you

My beautiful girl, I hate that we haven’t had all the time in the world to just be us lately. But here’s the truth, not seeing you every day doesn’t make me love you any less it actually makes me appreciate you so much more. You’re the one who makes my heart feel full, even from afar. Your laugh, your kindness, the way you make ordinary things feel special… I carry all of that with me. Thank you for being patient, for understanding, and for loving me back. I can’t wait to make up for every missed moment and create a million more memories together. You mean everything to me. I love you endlessly. 🌹 Fola 💕

I wanted to forget you. I tried my best, but how can I deny what my soul craves? At first, I was drawn to your dark, your deep soul. I wanted to know more. I thought I could help you, make you feel better. But all I ended up doing was damaging your mental health. I was too much and maybe I still am. I tried to hide my anxiety, but all I did was chase you, because I felt doomed and too weak to let go. I kept apologizing… but for what? For repeating the same mistakes in the end? Maybe what you did was the best option for both of us to find peace, and for you to go back to what you truly wanted.

Chechi, I usually can write a lot. But for once words have failed me. I tried to write you a letter many times. But I couldn’t complete it. There’s a lot I want to say, but I don’t know where to start. I was thinking about what you will do, how you will manage, all of those. But maybe for once, I think I will tell you about me. No amount of ideas and advice can help right now. So I will sit with you in the darkness. I will sit with you in the pain. I will sit with you through the tears, I will be there until we figure it out. I will stay. I will see you. And I will let myself be seen. Magdeburg will never be the same ever again. Because I know what this place looks like with you in it. I will miss you a lot. I will miss making the bath for you, I will miss taking the tram to come see you. I will miss putting on the tea and waiting for you to reach. I will miss colouring your hair. I will miss going to shops with you. I will miss teasing you about that “accidental” kiss. I will miss the way you laugh when I say evil things. Going to Kaufland or DM or Rossmann will never be the same. I think I will look for your beanie over the shelves. I will think of a joke and turn around to tell you. But you are in India. I will miss you because, I will. Not because we are related by blood, not because you are useful, not because of any reasons. But just because. I see how brave you are being. Thank you. I am not as brave I think. When I think of you walking into the airport, into a place where I can't see you every other day - it scares me. But you are so brave. We will fix this together I have no doubt. But I won’t like it when you aren’t here. And I will try to be brave like you. I am stopping here because the more I write the more I realise the little girl who watched her parents leave at the airport still lives inside me. I mustn't wake her up.

I’d marry you in a grocery all over again. My heart aches and grieves and I think I’ll carry that with me for the rest of my life. You got married for real to someone else and buried us in the darkness. I miss you all the time, your hugs, the safety and comfort. You just didn’t trust me and you didn’t give me the time. I told you I’d serve you what you wanted on a silver platter but you like everyone else turned it away. My third and final great love, my heart shattered. I lost so much with you that I’ll never have again. I love you deeply in my soul. But I think this is what you wanted. Destroy me to gain her. You look happy, but I only see photos. I found out yesterday you married her in four short months. Engaged for a month. It felt like my nerves were being torn out of my body. I’ve cried but felt selfish. You deserve happiness. I love you I always will. Always. Even the pumpkin misses you.

I miss you. i miss you terribly. It’s only been 2 weeks. i just want you to be okay. You had so much going on in your life and i wanted to be there for you so badly. but instead. you pushed me away. I can’t hate you for that. I know i can be overwhelming. but i know you still care. i know neither of us really want this. Or at least i hope. I know i don’t want this. You say it’s because you can’t give me what i need. but you were everything and more to me… you still are. you could never do any wrong in my eyes. I can’t eat, i can’t sleep. i can’t focus on anything. it always comes back to you. I understand i invested too much time into you. i lost myself. in you. I get that. i’m just asking for another chance. the space we built together. the routine. I think the routine broke us. it became predictable. but there is something that soothes in routine. I crave the spontaneity… at times. but i mostly crave your time. your presence. your kind looks. that is what is making this so hard. You welcomed me into your life, your world, your culture. When you left. i didn’t just lose you. i lost my hope. my spark. you took that all with you. you say it’s for the best for both of us. but you are the only one gaining in this. I love you. deeply. I don’t want to beg. i don’t want to chase. i’m not going to. you need time. you need space. i could have given you this. if only you had spoken to me. you don’t have to make these decisions alone. you don’t have to walk through life alone. I was there for you. you were there for me. and now you’re gone. you’ve pruned the branches of my heart until it feels like it can grow no more. I know that when you cut hedges the leaves grow back stronger and full of life. But you didn’t have to cut me out. this is destroying me. mentally and physically. i’m exhausted. and call me selfish call me mean. but i resent you for being fine. i speak to our mutuals. they told me you’re already out with other people. taking your life back from this grip i seemed to have on you. it wasn’t on purpose. if i made you feel smothered. if i made you uncomfortable. it’s the only love i know. i’m takin this time to work on myself. We both need time. and space. i’m just hoping that when you get to that point. you look for the possibility that i can be the one to support you again. Please don’t be a stranger.

i wish you would let me love you. i think we would be great together. maybe in another life

I will always love you my wifey… Bye aliy😊

I can't move on knowing that what I did cannot be undone. The amount of guilt is trapping me in a cage making it inescapable on trying to achieve self improvement. I miss the comfort of your words, the warmth of your touch, and the steadiness around the world when your presence is near. I miss your words of affection, let it be through poems or paragraphs it will always have a place in my heart Liam. I hate myself for losing you and now I have no choice but to keep going or hope that maybe we'll be together again.