dear dejuan… idk how to start this tbh.. its been two months since we’ve broken up, it now being february. and here i am, finally laying out all my feelings to you. through out the whole relationship, i honestly felt like the love we shared wasnt real. i couldn’t find it in my heart to trust you nor open up to you. i was scared of getting hurt or being left behind again, scared of actually hoping for forever just for it to be temporary. i vowed to never let you in, to keep my guard up, to limit what I say and how i communicate with you. i lied about not liking to go to sleep on the phone because i knew if i did, my guard will slowly go down. i stuck to harsh words,dry texts, late text and rage baiting because i feared my love would be too much for you. the constant texting and calling, the pet names and constant annoyance, the random facts and anime quotes throughout the day, the stalking you and your family and friends accounts, the getting upset over everything that you do and refusing to tell you because of the fear that im over reacting or upsetting you, the spamming “baby” just to respond with hi, or stalking your ig and who you text. i feared actually being myself. i feared texting you constantly even when all i could think of was you because i feared being too much for you. i feared losing you.i even feared you leaving me for your bsf because of how close you guys were. and while focusing on every possible way to keep a fair enough distance, without knowing it, i was damaging myself physically and mentally. i slowly started to feel empty inside. like a moving corpse without a beating heart. i felt so lost and alone and i didn’t know how to talk to anyone. i didn’t even know how to explain my feelings. i deeply loved you so so much but i couldn’t feel it. it was more of a thought than a feeling. i then started to think that maybe everything I once felt was all just in my head, and suddenly every other feeling ive once felt was slipping away. the happiness, love, joy, sadness, hurt, depression, overthinking. it just all slowly stopped. and the next thing i know i was in the same cycle over and over, feeling like a puppet being moved around. i felt hallow. i felt like i was running on air pilote. i couldn’t find the energy to talk to you or anyone. i felt disassociated with the world. and all i had was weed. i started smoking and sleeping heavily, staring at a blank wall or watching a anime for distraction. i slowly stopped eating, stopped leaving my bed. i just exist and it was painful. so painful to watch the world move around me while im still stuck in place. to see happy people or couples together and yet feel nothing but the air from the vents and the beating of my heart. and you. you were amazing. you loved me, tried to spoil me,cared for me, just wanted me and i ruined it. all because i feared you leaving. i feared that if i open up to you about how i feel, it would be over. because i knew deep down that a relationship was the last thing i needed. i knew that if i told you how my mental health truly was, it wouldve been over. so i kept it all to myself. i thought maybe it would get better or easier even. then i made a stupid decision that ended us anyway. i thought that maybe if i made you hate me then you would leave and find better. i hoped for you to see me slipping away from this world, to notice that im not okay. and idk if you did. so i went into a spiral and i went to a hb. i expressed these emotions and he quickly assumed that you were cheating. that if you couldn’t notice your own girlfriend mood change then it’s someone else. and that sickening saying and thought was put into my head over and over by many other friends. and i’m not blaming you, im not accusing you of cheating. im expressing my feelings ab you and your gbsf relationship. i didn’t like it. i didn’t like how close y’all were and how much you posted her, i didn’t like how you would talk to her about our problems or how you got her to text me about our relationship problems instead of yourself. so i turned to my boy bsf, flirting with him and he went along with it.. yet it took you awhile to notice, and when you did, when you left….. i finally felt something. i felt pain so deep inside that i couldn’t help but touch my chest. and it took me forever to realize that the cause of my actions resulted into someone i deeply loved being hurt. i became what i feared. i self sabotaged and pushed you away. so that night when you called and ended things, i completely broke. all i could manage was an okay but i wasn’t okay. and ik we will never be together again… but i just want you to know that i’m sorry juan. im so so sorry…you didn’t deserve anything i did to you, you deserve so much better and ik you will receive better. you stayed. even when i was so horrible and dry to you… im to blame for how things ended and i accept it. i just want you to come back to me….. but i also know that the love and trust that you had for me is long gone… so this is my last time talking to you, bothering you. you can hate me forever if you want. i just needed to finally get this out. better late than never ig