This is a bit random but oh well 🤍 I really wanted to go to the counter protest last year in October. I saw you as I was walking up to the group, from behind where the group were facing and I just couldn’t do it. It upsets me as it’s something I really care about. I’m not saying it’s your fault. I just wish that things had been left on a better note so there wasn’t fear of animosity or it being uncomfortable. I really regret the way that it ended between us. I wish that I had been able to process what was happening to realise that the last time we saw each other and sat talking, was actually the last time. I would have hugged you for longer and wished you well, we could have said we’d delete each others contact details and gone on from there. It really would have saved a whole world of pain. I wish that I hadn’t text you afterwards to say it was lovely to see you, that cold ‘yeah’ response was so hurtful and uncalled for. I always feel as though I’m trying to catch up with what’s actually happening around me, as if other people just know these things and I slowly piece it together months or sometimes even years later…I know for sure that I am as there’s been such a rise in awareness for neurodiversity in AFAB people over the past year or so…and I got to thinking that maybe we are both ND and that’s why we always understood each other so well. I always loved the way you see the world and how you think. Anyway, that’s waffling from the point… I wish that I could just turn off my survival response. I didn’t want to join the counter protest and end up embarrassing myself with a panic attack…like HELLO there are more serious issues going on here 😂😂… I guess it just makes me feel sad. I’m so sorry for my behaviour after we ended, the whole thing was a shitshow tbh and I kind of lost my mind for a while. I’ve forgiven myself at last but I still wish that I’d just said and done nothing. I wish we’d just hugged and said goodbye that day in August. I wish I didn’t remember that date. The 1st August 2022. If E was still living here, I know me and her would be out with a ladder cutting all the flags down. In a different world where things were ok, I believe the three of us would 😂 it’s such a silly thought, I know. But I’ve been so angry seeing the flags everywhere…the people that put them up are not good people. I know I could own them verbally, they’re so ignorant…but I really didn’t fancy making a target of myself cutting the flags down alone, you know how people can be here. Anyway…you’ll never see this. I know that. I’m just expressing myself. I hope that one day it won’t be awkward or uncomfortable. Or that maybe I’ll just do the thing anyway…I really wanted to shout at some union flag brandishing gammons tbh 😂😂 I just sat on a bench the other side and watched the whole thing…it was bizarre. But actually really interesting…people are so…you know. I really hope that you are happy and doing very well, thank you for all the lovely memories and again I’m so sorry for how I behaved after we ended, I was very wrong and I know that. Sending love from a distance, always. M 🐌 xxx