Dear you, This shouldn't be the first thing on my mind right now, but when you command my attention you're all I'm able to think about. It's so ironic that when you were telling me about those people that hurt you so badly, one of the things that hurt you the most is not knowing if you were crazy or if they really liked you and it was really real, because that's what you do to me. You send me a song lyric with the slightest hint it might be a message and I listen to it on repeat for days, analysing the lyrics, chest tight with anxiety. Because you make me feel anxious. You make me feel incredibly unsure of myself, and I hate that I cannot truly blame you because it's me who reads into everything you say and do. When you made out with that girl that night, hearing your voice telling me every detail over the phone made me feel sick, my chest tight and fluttery. My world was thrown off its axis for a moment. When I voice messaged you back, I had to keep restarting because of how my voice was shaking. It doesn't make sense - the piercing jealousy, the anxiety of you being with anyone but me, because I know we can't be together. We're just friends, it was ME who asserted that when we talked. I'm sure this is some kind of psychological trick because before you hinted you liked me back in October I don't remember feeling a thing towards you. Sure, we had great chemistry, but when two friends asked if we were a couple it was jarring because I'd never considered that's what it looked like. It was all platonic to me before you got into my head. I remember watching a movie on your bed. You put my arm around you and I remember thinking, I really hope she doesn't think this is something that it's not. A part of me knew. Then my party, and that night where I was so confused by what you were saying, I video ranted to * the next day who told me to keep friend-zoning you. So I did, I tried to, I kept on texting about what a good friend you were, trying to hook you up with girls that wanted you to take them on dates. It didn't work. You kept flirting and it started just being something we did, a part of our dynamic, and slowly I got used to it, less jarred by it. I almost looked for it. Then you sent me that clip, and I freaked out. I understood every word, by the way - when I said how much I loved your chords but couldn't hear the lyrics, I could. They just scared me, so I pretended to be oblivious. I found the fact you were tired of waiting when we had met only months prior insane. I found it flattering, and you slowly crept under my skin. That weekend, when I saw * and you sent me the whole song I cried so much. I listened to it over and over and I sobbed. I didn't know what to do. I would walk to her house listening to your song over and over. No one had ever liked me that much - it was intense, and I felt trapped in a web I didn't fully want to escape from. And it became more and more me as the winter got deeper. I shouldn't have made that, because that alone was leading you on in a way, and a recipe for disastrous overthinking on my part. That's why I overthink every song you send me, and in the last holiday as soon as you added to it, I was ready for everything to start again. I was so mad at myself, and god was I angry with you. But none of this is fair, you can't read my mind. When we hung out before *'s birthday, that's when my already weakened walls started to crumble, because I had never spoken to someone about relationships so intimately before. It was so intense I thought I was going to cry, and ironically the talk was how I would never be willing to be in a romantic relationship with a friend. You heard me and saw me so well. I felt a sort of guilt because when you said 'we always want what we can't have' I knew you meant me, but you didn't know I knew, you know? I should've talked to you from the start, but even though I tried at the beginning to make it clear it became so comfortable, the flirtatious dynamic we had. After that talk, around Christmas and *, is when I almost allowed myself to imagine. Then everything changed. I started dating *, and then you released that clip. I cried, a lot, again. That's one of the things you don't know about me, the fact I cry quite a bit and that you're the friend whose made me cry the most. The stupid thing is I never liked * how I almost liked you. It made me mad at myself, and I kept lying, trying to convince myself it was a different kind of like, when really there wasn't anything much there at all. If there was it was a lot healthier than what we have - I know you don't mean to, but you make me feel horrible whenever anything happens. Anxious, churning stomach. It would probably hurt you to know you do that to me. You've told me how much I've helped you - to be honest if anything you've hindered me. I wish we could just be friends but our friendship is tainted - we cannot take back the everything and nothing that has happened between us. It makes me wonder if I'll be able to take this friendship into the future. GOD you get to me like no one else does. After *'s party, when you and * were a thing for a week or two I didn't feel good about it. I cried after my second date with * when I got home, and thought more of you than of her. When you gave me the * then looked so flustered by her on the same day I was incandescent with rage. It felt like you were fucking with me for fun, and I was so very angry I didn't want to admit my jealousy of you and perfect, beautiful * So we texted, then we talked. You were head over heels, so you didn't really like me anymore anyway, whatever, its fine, I told myself I was only jealous because of the friendship component, right. Sure. Something like that. After your * with * I tried to be happy, but I wasn't. I knew something was off about her, but also I was jealous. The way you sounded made me feel that tightness in my chest, which I so desperately try to get rid of all the time. Then, it was fucked up. I was trying to be a good friend to you, that's what you needed, that's what we decided on, but still at *'s party I felt drawn to you. This isn't something I could talk to my friends about anymore, its over, was done a while ago. But then you do things like in the holidays, and I'm left wobbling. You're like a drug to me, and the fact our beautiful friendship has been warped in that way makes me feel kind of sick. So I've taken just enough of a step back now. I understand this can't go on, I cannot contribute. But still, if I'm not a delusional mess, you're still hinting. Why? Am I some kind of last resort to you? It stung a little when you assured me you were never physically attracted to me when we talked, even though so many things you did before made it taste like a lie. Either way, if you're truly over it and I'm insane, then you still have a hold on me which is frankly ridiculous. But if you like me, and keep dropping breadcrumbs as if I'm a bird I pray that the universe tells you how much harm its doing to me. I don't know what I want but I promise I don't want this - constantly unsure, always second guessing and overthinking about what you truly mean. All I can do is try and break the habits and be a good friend to you, because that's what you need. I love you with all my heart, and you are such an important friend to me, and I want to keep that. Hopefully sending this will break the cycle, and release all of this energy that neither of us really need. Wish you the best.