my dearest, words can only do so much and so little at the same time when you feel like the world falls upon you, I have so much to say yet no words come out right. thousands of syllables I have in my mind yet nothing comes close to how I want to describe my feelings right now. so here it is. here's my nothing for you. that night, after our call. I cried. because what else could I do about it? walking home with you was the best walk I've ever had. we didn't get to go for hundreds of miles but it was more than enough. enough that I got to feel seen and understood and enough that I got to know you and how you see your world. when I first met you, it was not the kind of "fall in love at first sight" state of affairs. it was a gentle and quiet spark. a soft fitting that somehow grew into feelings so immense. my feelings for you, dare I say my dear. they were real. as real as my longing for your presence; my admiration for your soul; my respect for your efforts; my awe of your mind; my gratitude for your wellbeing; my craving for your warmth; my feeling of your weariness as my own; my adoration of your tenderness; my fondness of the time we spent together; and lastly my profound sense of deep affection, care, and devotion towards you. and if I had to put it into an equation. it all came down to "I love you". the kind that made me feel of "all ways" and "always". the kind that made me think of "this life or any other". but now what? I have to remember you longer than I've ever loved you. my love, isn't it sad that my eyes won't catch the reflections of you anymore? it's all just fading hues in my mind now. one day, I would forget how you smile when you look up. how you pause when you feel like you've been saying too much. I would forget the lines on your forehead or the crease around your eyes when you smile. those are the images I would never see again. and what saddens me the most is one day I would forget your beautiful voice. the way my name rolls off your tongue. the way you call me with such care and tenderness. down to the sound of your blinkings. how my heart aches with all of these thoughts. but all in all, who's there to blame? it's nobody's fault. perhaps it's the wind's or maybe we can just blame it on the air. there's always something in the air, right? love, they say. but not this time. at least not from you. it's sort of a revelation. an enlightening disclosure how you show me that it's all just in my head. I even almost said sorry for falling for you. but dear, I wish it were different for you. I wish you didn't have to carry your past this way. for how you're still haunted by your feelings or rather by the absence of them and for how you can't cross the threshold you set for yourself. I was willing to hold my hands out to reach you, hell I was even thinking of stepping into your parallel and carrying you out myself. but then I realised, I could run to catch your train in the rain for blocks but when you saw me standing on the platform you wouldn't even take one step out of the train. so there we are. looking into each other's eyes until the door closed and I walked home alone. my dearest, I've seen so many haunting scenes in my nightmares but you with your gentleness; your warmth; your kindness; your sweet disposition are worse than any bad dreams I've ever had. until never. with all due nothings, m.