When someone asks me why do you think so much? Is there even a use to sit up late at night and overthink about the things there's absolutely no control over? What the purpose of even letting go when you know that there was nothing to hold onto anyways? What do you think of when you close your eyes. Do you sometimes think of a person who is probably available in the blink of an eye? Is there even a person like that? What do you do when you have a million unanswered questions and you have nobody to turn to? How does it feels when you're the unchosen one yet again? How does it feel like when you're not chosen in the end anyways even when there's a choice to be chosen, but people opt out because although you are total comfort, you're not worth the end, you're not worth the effort, not worth the journey to take you there? I blink in the darkness at night because I feel there's nowhere I belong at the end of the day, not chosen by any person, I take risks for the whole world innocently tricking my brain knowing very well i'll be hurt in the end, that this person is worth taking the risk. What when it comes to me about the risk is question? Well people take the risk once and then fear creeps in and no matter how hard I try, every little thing I do sits on the bench while their fear, their cowardice comes forth, they want me, they want what I have, it's useful to trick me into using me for what I am, and then it's easy because battling my fragile short lived ego fueled temper is easier than faithfully holding my hand. My anxiety spirals my heartbeat into a frenzy. My anxiety's name is Michael, sometimes through my blurry vision, my hazy thoughts I see Michael and I want to ask him to go, I want to ask him to leave, I tell him now is not a good time, my conversations with Michael aren't easy because he's the only imagination that refuses to leave me, I want to hurl something at him because he provokes me beyond what I gave him credit for and sometimes he just sits there by my side on the bathroom floor coping wth me in my silence. I appreciate that, it's healthy to have Michael with me instead of rotting internally alone. Michael tells me how unworthy I am of their choosing and how easy it was to just shake off my presence, and I agree with him. Michael and I have an exercise but he disappears amidst it never staying through it, till the very end, these exercises include counting random numbers, putting together lyrics from different songs and trying to make a tune, listing all the colors coming to my vision. Michael leaves because I do these exercises that might make him disappear. I'm trying I'm trying very hard to throw Michael out of the window. Sometimes it scares me to think how I within the flap of a bird wing, I'm ready to throw my life because of my affection related reactions, I'm willing to throw everything I do for work just let my fate sit on the cold winter window sill waiting to see if someone out there also wants to return the affection I give. This is why I pray to Lord Shiva himself because he let's you connect with yourself and most importanly he teaches you pain before you let go something you wanted desperately but someone who didn't have the guts to want you. I've failed many a times to keep a human and then people say yes it's because they didn't know your worth? Well even if they did, I was not worth taking that risk and this is what Michael reminds me everyday, you're useless, you're unworthy and you weren't chosen, you weren't even an option, you were a passing cloud. I wanted to be the sky, I wanted to be the sunrise and the sunset, I wanted to be the comforting breeze just before the rain, I wanted to be the shade of the umbrella, I wanted to be the aroma when you enter the house, I wanted to be the warmth of the blanket just before waking up, I want to be the first sip of coffee, I wanted to be the ending of the story that'll make you smile, I want to be home.