I think one of the worst things is that even though I get lost in hopes and fantasies that one day they’ll reach out, we’ll be back in each others lives, maybe we’d even be together…the reality is that years of intentional silence is unforgivable. There is no rationalising being coldly shut out after sharing so much and being so vulnerable with someone. Even with every intention and want to forgive, it stays and grows as unbearable resentment. When I was younger, I used to fall for the rush of relief and happiness if someone finally got in touch, to the extent it’s as if I’d forget how painful the silence had been - I was just so happy that they were back. But the reality was that they were a source of pain. The selfish refusal to engage disguised as heroic ‘self protection’. The conscious decision to go forward in life knowing that they were denying the existence of someone they once claimed to love and care about… I don’t even know if that’s fixable. But I do believe it’s unforgivable… It isn’t ‘healing’ or bOuNdArIeS or any other silly little weaponised therapy talk…it hurt. It really fucking hurt…and I didn’t deserve that. Even though I do get so caught up in those hopes that you’ll show up, that we’ll hug and kiss, that all of the waiting, crying, doubting…would be worth it…it’s just a fantasy. This isn’t the Notebook, it’s real life. I used to feel so much love, comfort and safety looking into your eyes…but if I ever were to look into them again, I’d probably see a reflection of myself crying every night for years…it’s not ok. It was never ok. And I don’t think it ever can be.