I met you at school. I was 12 you were almost 11. You were a chaotic little rebel with no friends that kept bullying me. It started with little hits on the head every time you saw me. But you only wanted a friend, and apparently I was the only one to realize it. You lost at your own game, you fell in love idiot. At 14 I had my first boyfriend that you deeply hated. I broke up with him cause despite all the kindness he had, he couldn't help himself wanting excessive sex and I wasn't into that. You had family problems including violence and hurt yourself which now results in multiple bruises for life. 15, your friend came from nowhere and manipulated me into making me say cute things to him cause he faked wanting comfort and then after saying horrible things to me, I replied angrily to him. Little did I know he erased his texts and showed mine to my friends making me the "villain". I lost my friends and you believed him. You knew him 1 month and me 3 years. I was mad at you and I think I saw you cry at the ballroom. 16, we were in class together and I gave you a chance to be my boyfriend. You bullied me even more, used me like a puppet. I had a problem with limits, and you wanted a distraction. You broke into houses that were abandoned and degraded with pieces of drugs alcohol, shattered glass and cigarettes left in it. You used to bring a blanket and pin me down on it. Fortunately you respected that didn't want to do THE thing, however I didn't know how to say no for every other action related to that. I had my legs trembling of someone getting close to them for months. I hated not knowing how to say no. 17, you cheated with kissing another girl. I decided to break up and you got me pinned on the school walls. I said yes again, to be your girlfriend but days later I managed to stay away from you. 18, 2 years that we were apart and I was moving into my apartment in the big city. At distance, we talked and called, we laughed so much, we've never been so close, you got a bit more mature. My feelings were getting the best of me but at the same time I was texting a guy from school before him and he was very sweet, only cute exchanges. He asked me out and turns out it was your childhood friend and I got mad you'd ruined the connection by getting angry so I got angry and decided to stop talking to you. That night you insisted calling a lot and when I picked up you said "I love you" for the first time. And I was silently crying but we had to separate after that, and I chose to be with a safe cute person that I didn't love at that time, rather than being with the one I loved but taking the risk of being hurt like you always did. Most heartbreaking decision ever. 19, a friend of mine made us see each other, you, her and me. That was heartbreaking for me. You became a biker, went into drugs and alcohol. Should I mention the muscular part like he became really really muscular, Toji-like (for the anime fans here). And days after you went to a drug party with that friend and slept with her. Still, heartbreaking. 20, your childhood friend was my boyfriend for 2-3 years but despite the cuteness and safety, we did routines and he rarely spoke. If one word could define me it would be "communication" or "talkative" so it frustrated me so much to not have this connection. We broke up and few days after I ran into you, stupid boy. Like a fucking movie you appeared behind the tramway in front of me. We did groceries and I was naive enough to think that accepting having a little dinner at my apartment would be harmless. I was so happy to see you. And my ankles were bleeding so much I had to go home. Hugging you was the best feeling on earth, you felt like home but also danger but comfort. The problem is you kind of forced me for 50 min straight to let go and submit to your desires. I gave up resistance one hour later and I'm sad I had pleasure cause it was few days after my break up. I felt guilty and bad but it was a bit like dreaming. Then you acted cold, I was devastated and hurt, I stopped talking. 21, I sent you a demand on Insta but the same day, my ex (first boyfriend that I broke up with because of excessive sex) came back by showing up for my experiment as a participant. We had dinner but he stayed and we didn't do anything except he showed me how to fight and put me into weird positions, I wasn't sure about him having no more excessive behaviors about it.. I've never sent you a text because of that. Cause you both hate each other so much. And you couldn't know I was talking to him so of course you wouldn't know. You asked me why one month later but I got into a relationship with my ex that was like a friendship at beginning but I got into my old patterns and couldn't get to say no, again. You got very angry because of my pattern to say yes to that, to him. You came to my experiment but you were really pissed. 22, you said happy birthday and I replied in a humorous tone that you thought was really mocking you, whereas I tried to be funny or nonchalant.. Mad at me again.. Then I wished you a happy birthday and you got back like nothing happened. However you wanted to see me to make something clear to me. I was breaking up with my ex that was a horrible time. Still you came at my place and said : " I will know longer pursue you, go after you. I've done it enough, if later you wanna talk, you'll be the one to reach out." We.. passionately slept together through anger, desire, temporary happiness and old memories. Each time fucking time he goes back I feel that maybe I really count for him, that he loves me deep inside he just hates the love feeling, he denied that feeling long ago and "suppressed the need". Still the breakup was hard for my ex and that was the darkest part of my life, dark thoughts and all. I slept at my friend's house for days (the one that slept in the past with you stupid boy yes). Turns out she was welcoming a guy too at the same time and this man was a good listener, and talker. I had panic attacks in the night and my friend wasn't awaken easily. I was desperate and feeling like hell, I said yes when we slept together. I felt bad. 2 months later, stupid boy comes back, yeah bad boy. I thought it would be my turn to come back and that he'd never chase me again but whatever. He came back cause he saw a teacher we knew at school. And we laughed as usual. But.. At the same time I was chatting on discord for debates and I met someone at the opposite of the country in distance.. Still a bad time... By the way, you stupid boy you did the same thing at distance one year ago with another girl. And I ended up the same as you did. It didn't work out in 3 months. This time I reached out myself. You were so happy you came to see me in minutes, even though it was late night. I said "you were fast, we didn't even talked". He said " we wouldn't have time, it's late, and you know where it leads to..". He asked what was a bottle with a towel doing next to my bed and I said it was for my periods days before. He was relieved it was days ago and I said "of course you worry for that". He said "come on you clearly reach out for sex". And I wanted to tell him that it really wasn't the case, that I loved him despite everything, but I knew he came back for that and sometimes I'm delusional (always). We did it and even if he stayed longer, our communication after that is a bit colder and I don't know where he's at in these situations. He left me his shirt for muscular body and soft touching-like. But he kept showing that he wanted to use my body and almost not talking like we used to as friends.. Horrible situation indeed. I've always hated-loved him. And deep inside me I wanted to make him pay for the suffering he made me endure for all this time. So sometimes I replied in a bad way. Everything was toxic. I stopped talking 2 days. He didn't like it and then nothing. For a month. A month later he calls me out of nowhere, I can't answer. He texts that he was in prison. I decide to laugh at that. Few days later I call him and he tells me he lied, he didn't go to prison BUT he got into a serious relationship for one week and complimented a biker muscu girl that he went to like a dog at a sports room. I acted like it was funny as always. He said : "I really tried, she wasn't toxic and was so kind and all she deserved greatness, but I hate adjusting my life to a person and hearing someone talk cause you have to listen and all... so very funny I lasted one week. I would have said happy birthday months later if it would have worked out idk". Of course I'm his back up plan for sex. I hated to admit it but even if I agreed on phone call to meet him. I never called him again, that hurt too much. And since months I try to respect myself and not reach out. Cause I desperately love him and even if he does too, he made it clear he chose to never be in a relationship or close to someone or these type of link. He made it clear he'll see me chilling, well I guess for sex. Cause it's easy I like him, It's cool for his ego. I shall start to respect myself. I am not ready to have this ending conversation with him, I preferred to stop reaching out without a word cause I know he knows why I do that. We've been doing that for 10 years. Thank you stupid boy for everything we loved and everything we hated. I'll always hate-love you with all my soul.