Please read this to the end. I dated other girls. I slept with other girls. Dating Sarah was probably the most fucked up thing I did. I used her and every other girl as a cheap, pathetic distraction just to try and wipe you out of my head. I like you. Since god knows when. How the fuck am I supposed to like someone whose poop I've seen?? I was possessive and overprotective toward every single guy you ever dated. It got so bad and irrational that I even caught myself getting jealous over your own brothers just for talking to you. I've been with a lot of girl but I've never had the balls to touch you. Mostly cause you're a woman to me. It terrifies me looking at you now at 20. You aren't the innocent kid I grew up with anymore it genuinely scares the shit out of me. When I asked you if you ever did anything physical with Ammar and you gave me that coy "ada la, u cannot know". I lost my mind and punched the wall until my knuckles bled because I was so terrified of being replaced by him. Then when you casually brought up going down to Johor, saying "It's fine, I have Ammar to drive me around". Book hotel pulak tu. I spent so much time panicking that you would lose your first kiss or sacrifice your virginity to some random guy that would fucking destroy me. The small stuff..The day at the pool when you casually took off your shirt to swim I had to immediately lock my eyes onto the wet concrete tiles because my chest stopped. When you were sick and I typed a text six times and deleted all six. Your birthday, you hugged everyone the same way and I got annoyed about it. The moment Cindy broke up with me because she knew I was never actually present and the very first person I wanted to call to tell was you. When Sarah asked why I always remembered your coffee order better than hers. When poppy was sick and you called me crying from the vet’s car park. And the times I hit you over nothing. You flinch at raised hands. But aku still pukul kau. Aku ingat lagi kat kedai makan. You rolled your sleeve up to reach the sambal and there's a bruise on your forearm, aku yang buat. Farah goes "weh what happened to your arm." and you didn't even look at me. You told them you fell down the stairs. Fell down the stairs. From a person you see four times a week. I didn't correct you. Didn't say a word. You covered for me like it was reflex and I let you like it was reflex. That's us. That's always been us. Kawan jenis apa aku ni raff.. This is probably gonna ruin the friendship but I already ruined everything between us anyway so I don't give a fuck anymore.I’ve liked you for a long time and I’m sorry I was such an asshole about it. I know I probably have no chance. Take care